Standing on the Borderline ~ T'Rina / MsXXL

Tonight was the funeral of a friends mother, I did not know her but I went with my friends to offer our support to him at this time. She died suddenly, a vibrant and healthy woman and I feel so sorry for my friend, I can’t thankfully imagine what he is going through.
This was a classic, deeply Catholic funeral, what they referred to as a wake but so very different from anything my family would consider a wake. I felt so much like a voyeur since it was like nothing I have ever experienced before, it was beautiful but so foreign to me I felt like an invader. When they were praying I felt as if someone would point to me and say why are you here? You never met her, why are you tearing up for someone you don't even know, how can you sit there you don't even believe in our god.
I had to get the trio to go have a drink with me afterwards to wind down.
Funerals in my family are usually quick, non denominational services if there is one and then the wake is a classic Irish one, a big pot luck party.
I am determined that when I die I do not want a funeral, I want to be cremated and dumped over the foot hills above Boise. I want my family and friends to get together for a big party where they can all tell each other stories about me and laugh and remember me at my best. I plan to make a CD of music for them to listen to ahead of time and I just want everyone to have a great time. I want them to save their tears, there have been enough tears in my life.

*A* and I decided to go to a cheapie movie and of course there are tons of them I want to see, there are always either too many or none it seems.
Right now just at the second run theaters that I want to see are Memoirs of a Geisha, Walk the Line, The Matador, Narnia, Nanny MccPhee, Good Night and Good Luck, Hoodwinked and UltraViolet. King Kong is playing also and I know it is amazing but I also know it will make me sad for a week.
We decided on Narnia since I had read all the books as a kid and really wanted to see it. Talk about impressed! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and I know how the story goes. I totally admit I cried at some points, I am a big weenie like that.
It seems that we should have seen Walk the Line or Matador instead though Thursday since they have now left the cheapie theaters and we will have to wait to see them on DVD. That is the only problem with second run movies you have to jump on them as soon as you can and try to see the lesser known ones as soon as possible since they don’t stay as long. Narnia will probably be around for a month or so but I am still glad we saw it. I am going to try to get *A* to go see Nanny McPhee with me if I get back from my friend’s mother’s wake in time.

I started to make dinner for us but *A* had to go to a meeting at 7:30 so we just split a bunch of biscuits and I gave him Jeff's cell phone number for when he got back so I could come get him because I was going out with the terrible trio, Jeff, Marissa and Danielle…LOL
I finished my part of dinner (sweet and sour pork over rice) and put *A*'s in the fridge and told D on line I would come and get her and then tried to get a hold of J and M. No answer on Jeff's cell phone and M's phone rings until it reaches the answering machine then as I am leaving a message telling them to stop being frisky M calls me. I tell her "so we are pretty much on our way." and she says OH it will take you what, half an hour.
UMMMMM no more like 15 minutes.
Could it take you half an hour?
Why yes miss frisky it could .
SO I went back to reading the last 2 ½ pages of THUD (Terry Pratchett) personally I hate leaving a book with only a few pages left, it seems so weird to pick it up and only have a few pages left to go.
I then went to pick Miss D up and we stopped by the grocery store to buy me a can of double shot espresso since I was falling asleep (which might explain why I can't sleep and my leg is twitching so badly) I also bought 4 roses since they had red roses for 2 for $1 not a deal to be passed up so I gave one to each of Miss D and Miss M. and kept two for me.
We finally show up to pick them up after about 45 minutes and then head up to the Navajo room which has the advantage of being known to us and being about half a mile from my house and having $5 pitchers. A little before 10 *A* calls from my place so I come and get him and tease him about singing. I adore *A* but the boy is tone deaf.
Jeff and Marissa are drinking beer to get motivated to sing but as soon as we get there after only one beer *A* jumps up and starts doing karaoke, I have to say this he enjoys the hell out of it and I wont even try it again after the last time I did it cause singing actually hurts my throat.
I can sing, quietly and breathy, but singing loud enough and fast enough for a mike to pick it up and keep up with music is hard for me. I wish I was brave enough to try again but I hate it so much I don't even want to try again. It isn't even having people stare at me, I am use to that I just hate the way my voice sounds.
Jeff and Marissa and *A* all sang at least a dozen times between them and finished 3 pitchers of beer to my one Madras before we had to leave a little after midnight so that D and J could get up early for work.
Jeff Marissa and *A*

Currently listening: Beautifulgarbage By Garbage Release date: By 02 October, 2001

Another day of endless rain, not even really a Storm per say, just continuous rain from a solid grey sky. I so would not survive in Seattle or England.
I am kind of bored and I hate that, usually I can find something to do but it is so hard to concentrate on anything for very long and I don't want to sleep all day so I tried calling grandma but she is off looking at cars. I remembered that my mom doesn't go to work this month until 1:30 in the afternoon so I called her and asked her to go to coffee with me, I told her I had enough to buy my own coffee but if she wanted to buy me a muffin I would not say no. Mind you after my little binge and toss last night I had a grand total of $2.70.
Mom said she had to get ready for work and I told her I would meet her at her place and we could go to the Big City Caf which is near her new job. I love their shabby chic look and their coffee and food. Mom likes the food and coffee but she thinks the concrete floors and mix and match chairs and tables and old sofas looks like a used furniture warehouse. I told her it is called shabby chic she said if she wanted shabby she would be having coffee in her kitchen.. Sigh MOMS.
I had a orange coconut muffin and she had a s'mores bar and we both had 20 oz Mexican chocolate milks mixed with coffee, I have to admit they are yummy and pretty cheap. I think next time I will get her to go to EDDIES Fifties Diner down the street from there, she will probably like it more, it is probably more her style. Actually I really want to see what the new Big City Caf in the Linen District downtown will look like, it will be nice to have one closer to me.

I told mom I was bored and was going to go by Wal-mart and price some plants and see if I could get some potting soil for under $3 so she gave me a five and then went to work. I stopped by the dollar store and picked up a planter then went to Wally's and managed to get 7 pounds of Expert Gardner potting soil for $2.50 and a cool new plant for $3.50. I feel good cause I did not give in and buy any food with the money.

I have the door from my front room to my dining room divided using my cedar chest and right now I have pillows on it but I think I am going to turn that whole area into a plant area. I need to buy a sheet of black vinyl to cover the top of the chest so water does not get on it, but I can get that cheap at the fabric store. The island in my kitchen is already half full of plants which is fine but I want to fill the cedar chest and hang some in the door way and then have a couple of the really tall ones they have for sell at Wally's for $11 in front of it. I figure if I buy one of those a month I can two of them while they are still on sale and keep an eye out for other plants on sale like the one I got today for half price.
The dining room gets tons of sunlight and I can always put a plant bulb in there. It will also make kind of a hiding place for the cat box. I am so happy to get my plants I also cleaned the front room, now if I could just get motivated enough to do the kitchen and the dining room....sigh I will probably wait for my mom to come over and help, though I have been keeping up with the dishes thanks to the huge container of dishwasher tabs mom got me.
I like this apartment even with the parking issues and I figure I am going to be living here as long as I can stand it so I might as well have it set up in a way that makes me happy.
My next project after that will have to be fixing my bedroom up in a way I like it, I really need to get some kind of frame for my bed or at least come up with a faux headboard for looks. I also need to get some kind of hanging or floor lamp for reading in bed.

Currently reading: Thud!: A Novel of Discworld (Discworld Novels) By Terry Pratchett Release date: By 13 September, 2005

This weather really has me down, a lot of my friends all talk about how great the rain is, I guess it is the "Goth" thing but while I do love storms, the action and fury I don't have any real feeling for this blah endless rain. To me a solid sky of grey is like a solid sky of blue, boring. The only difference is the grey sky and dropping barometer kills my mood and puts me into Seasonal Affective Disorder or S.A.D.
Similar to depression except meds don't really touch it at all, I need a light box but can't afford one, they are the only thing that work. Moodiness, sleepiness, grogginess, hunger for carbs, a hard time concentrating. The only advantage is unlike many forms of depression this one really does get better by "getting a little sunlight."
It makes it hard to concentrate on reading, writing and even watching TV for very long, you just get so distracted.

*A* came over in the morning and we slept for a while but I had slept all night and could not sleep much past 10:30 but he was still sleeping since he works nights and I did not want to bother him so I worked on the computer then went over to grandmothers for a while. It seems as if her guardian angle has fallen down on the job a little, my uncles van can't be fixed so she is without a car.
My brother has a spare car but the drivers door does not open so my mom is thinking of borrowing that and letting my grandmother borrow her car, so we went for a drive in my moms car to see if grandma could drive it alright. It is a small car but has a lot of pick up, my grandmother likes it but really wants to find a car of her own soon.
Grandma and I went over and had bagels and coffee and talked about cars and what is going on in my life with my meds and how I am hoping that getting off of them will make me feel better and not so down in the dumps all the time, I also hope that as spring gets here more I will feel better. I dropped her off and went to the Library and got a few new books and then to my bank and pulled a little money out of my shares, I will have to replace it on the 1st since it is the money that holds open my account and I can only be under $25 for 30 days. I hate being so broke, I have to figure out how to budget my money better somehow.
*A* finally got up around 3 and we decided to go get something to eat, instead of going to Chef's hut like we usually do for good cheap food we decided to use one of my coupons and do a 2 for 1 meal at Sharies. It still ended up costing us more then if we had eaten at Chef's hut and was not as good, sigh.
Anyway we hung out and cuddled and goofed off but part of the problem with the S.A.D. is it kills your sex drive so I felt bad cause he was in a frisky mood and I wasn't. It is hard to explain to someone who doesn't have the problem how something like that can make you just not want to fool around at all. We ended up taking another nap and cuddling more which was nice.
*A* is a big fan of Patrick McMannus the writer and he was going to be at Barnes and Noble Tuesday night so he went to go see him but I was really not interested.

I decided to go hang out with Jeff, Marissa and Danielle and Jeff's old room mate Jonny and his new girlfriend as well as Amber at the Navajo Room for Karaoke.
I picked up D and then J and M and we went to the bar around 8:30 and waited for everyone to show up and for the karaoke to start, Jonny showed around 9:30 and the singing did not start til 10 (hell I was ready to leave by then). So we just ended up sitting there in this dive bar with D, M and J drinking $5 Bud pitchers and me drinking OJ and cranberry juice (yes I like to live dangerously)
M had to get up at 5 am and J had to be to work by 9 but they wanted to stay til midnight since J little girl had gone to visit her mom for spring break and they had some free time. D had to get up early also so I asked if she wanted to go at 11, I had made the mistake of getting J to buy me a Madras (cran and OJ with Vodka) and instead of making me happier it started to put me to sleep.

So I ended up taking her home and I stopped by the store and bought a pack of Pepperidge farm cookies (the ones in the small white bag), I ate one row of them and tossed the the middle row out the car window then stashed the last row in the back seat.
I hate Burger King but I was hungry and did not want to go to Jack in the Sack and they were the only things open. Don't ask me why but I ordered TWO whopper jr.s and one thing of cheese sticks which thankfully is only 4 small mozzarella sticks. I ate the sticks, and one of the burgers and then 3 small bites of the other burger and threw That out the window.
Other people Binge and Purge
I binge and Toss….
I buy and never even eat it.
It would be great if I had all the money I wanted to spare, I just don't seem to be able to get past the impulse to buy the damn things when I am feeling down.

Currently listening: Born Entertainer By Veruca Salt Release date: By 05 December, 2002

Last week I was feeling pretty crappy in the middle of the week and Monday we ended up hanging out at Jeff's house so I did not get to the Y. I kept telling myself well I will be able to go Next week (this week) and I promised myself that I would go three or four times to make up for it.
So what happens this week?
Spring Break.
Water Safety
Spring Splash
They have canceled all of the adult aquatics classes and most of the open swim times so they can teach 100s of kids from around town water safety classes.
Yes I know it is important.
Yes I know it is only one week.
Doesn't mean I can't gripe about it so there.

Currently listening: Wonderful By Adam Ant Release date: By 07 March, 199

I finally decided that it has been so long since I have had any decent new pics, I still haven't taken any for my website in over a year, but I also haven't gotten glammed up and had any decent headshots taken either. The photos on the front of my MySpace profile were from February and May of 05 and they were the newest glamorous shots I had.
I have been feeling like I am looking closer to my age lately than I have in a long time and I am not crazy about my hair, I can't wait to get it trimmed and get the bangs grown out. So I decided to get dressed up for Industria last night.

I curled my bangs and the side of my hair, something I almost never do but I think I am going to start doing it more until my hair grows out a bit. I also put on make up and decided to go for the nothing there look as opposed to the dramatic look I have in so many of my other photos.
Tanyia said how great I look without make up, let me tell you that no make up look takes time and the right product.

Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse Foundation in Nude (great coverage and feels SOOOOO light, though I will need Natural Ivory for Summer)
Wet and Wild's new Cream eye shadow in Pop Art Browns (this stuff also goes on great and looks wonderful and comes with a huge mirror)
Sally Hansen's Powdered Black Khol Eyeliner, (it is messy to use but once you get the hang of it it gives the greatest smudged look)
Bon Belle Mascara (hey it is small and fits in my purse)
Phol Lipstick in Berry #4 rusty brown (this stuff is hard to find up north but it is worth ordering since it has the most creamy coverage)

All of that gives you the No Make Up Look. (trust me I dont take pics without it)
I am also experimenting with shadowing the flash with little pieces of paper to keep down the glare, it is a really bright flash, eventually I will get teh right combo.
Personally I think the pics came out great I just wish I had had more taken.

Currently listening: Tragic Kingdom By No Doubt Release date: By 10 October, 1995

I dyed my hair last night a deep dark auburn since it had grown out and was about three different colors, my natural dark brown (with rare hints of grey only I seem to be able to see) a lighter brown and at the bottom, red. Now it is mostly the same color though the bottom is still lighter then the rest but not as bad, I can't wait until I get my hair cut around the first.
Benhi from Industria is going to do it for me, I have decided that the way my hair grows so fine and naturally parts on the left side I am never going to have perfect Bettie Page bangs. (SOB) I use to have much thicker hair, I still have lots of hair it is just fine now instead of thick like it use to be when I was young, this is kind of scary cause my grandmother has the finest baby fine hair you can imagine and can't do anything with it and I don't want my hair to end up that way.
My bangs naturally lay to the right so I am going to grow them out to be all one length down the right side of my face and Benhi is going to trim my hair to give it more shape and some light layering at just the bottom 1/3rd or so to give it a little body. I really don't want to loose any length but this single length, flat square cut does nothing for me, I am hoping as my hair grows out and my bangs get longer this will be a more dramatic look.
It is hard to find a cut that flatters my face since I have both high cheekbones AND a double chin and wear glasses most of the time. I think if I could get a better hair cut I might wear my contacts a little more often but I always feel as if I need to wear make up with them.
People seem to think I am soooo confident about how I look but I am no more confident than anyone else I am just good at faking it. I use to have really great skin until about four years ago when I got a second degree sunburn and sun poisoning in a convertible coming back from Illinois, I had to fly for 9 hours with a sever sunburn, no way to treat my skin, which should have been treated right away and so I peeled so bad my skin has never been the same. Maybe like my grey hair I am the only one who sees the difference but in the long run I am the only one who matters since it is me who has to live in my skin.
Pain also ages you a lot, just last year this time people were telling me I looked 23 to 26 now I get told I look "around 30" well yes considering I am 37 that is good but that is pretty big change in one year. I feel the pain everyday, it is part of me now and it changes me a little bit all the time, I see it in my eyes and around them, maybe I don't smile as much when I am not talking to people, maybe that smile is not always in my eyes these days.
I don't think I am awful, I have people around the world tell me I am beautiful and a man in my life who tells me all the time as well as friends who let me know they like the way I look. I just have seen more changes in this last year then in any other except right after I got a second degree burn.
I use to think my mom was so vain for worrying about her age but now I realize she was probably about my age when she did, she would never go out without make-up on, I will probably never be like that since most make-ups make me breakout. Oh yeah and I am lazy and just forget to put it on.
Maybe someday I will be truly comfortable in my skin, stop dying my hair, stop worrying about my age and all that, it isn't as if it is an all consuming issue now or anything but it is there and I hate that it bothers me.
I want to be above it.

Noon

As usual lately my Sunday started when I gave Jeff a ride to work today, we are getting him that bike today though I am giving him a ride home tonight since he and Marissa are having dinner for her family and he needs to get home to cook. I hope having the bike will make it easier on him. I don't mind giving him rides as I have said before but getting up at 8 on Sunday is not so easy when all you are doing is going across town and then coming home. Not to mention I am almost out of gas and I hate having to borrow money from my grandmother.
*A* showed up right before I had to leave, after he got off work last night, he had gone to Hells Canyon over the weekend and was all thrilled to have gotten a chance to go fishing, what a boy.
My cousin Stephanie came into town from New York City where she is living these day for spring break, she is a grad student and works at a school, so we decided to go to breakfast. My grandmother, me, Steph, her sister Stacy, Stacy's hubby Evan, their Mom Carol and my grandmother's cousin Buster all went to Donny Mac's Trailer Park Cuisine for breakfast. It was pretty good but very busy and we were kind of off in a corner so they had a hard time getting to us and keeping up with our coffee intake. Personally I love the place anyway. We had a great visit and it is too bad she is going back tonight since I probably wont see her again until Christmas.
I dropped Grandma off at her house and was coming home when I got stopped by a police car, I just about freaked cause he flipped a U-turn to come after me and I do tend to speed and I was sitting there wondering what I had done wrong and thinking crap I am going to at least get a no seatbelt ticket. He told me he stopped me because my license plate is not on the front of my car but in my front window. This is actually the second time I have been stopped for that, I accidentally ripped it off on a concrete barrier about 9 months ago so I guess it is time to get it put back on. The officer was really cool about it and just gave me a warning and let me go without even a seatbelt ticket.

1:15pm

Speaking of cars and vans, my grandmothers Lumina is dead, she cracked a blocked and unless they want to replace the engine AGAIN, which was hell last time, it is gone for good. Thankfully my uncle has a van just like mine, same year or so, that has decent tires, though I did get the better ones off of it, that he is fixing up for her. It is weird how it works out.
My aunt drove the van forever, she bought it new in '89, and it broke down last year so she finally said she wanted a new car, but in my family we don't just toss old cars so my uncle messed around with it and figured out it needed a few parts, a tune up and a map sensor to make it work. Just as he gets it fixed for a couple hundred dollars and is thinking of donating it to charity for a tax break my grandmother needs a car.
My grandmother says it is her guardian angel watching out for her.

5:26pm

*A* and I went over to Danielle's after I got home from Grandma's and got the bike, it needs to have the front tire fixed, man I hope it is just flat. Hopefully all it needs is filling or some of that tire goop and they wont have to buy a brand new one.
Next week is spring break and Nadia wont be in school so I wont be giving her rides which is a damn good thing considering my car has a ¼ tank of gas and I can't borrow any more money this month and I am down to spare change until Friday the 31st. I would ask Jeff for gas money ahead of time but he doesn't have a lot to spare either at the moment and I don't want to bother him, money is tight all over this week. I have groceries and books to read and stuff to do at home, I figure the next week I will be staying here a lot more.
*A* and I went by the Hastings near my house since I had a filled drink card and we both like to look at books and magazines, so I got a 24oz nutty Irishman (no green whip cream… darn) and read some of the Terry Pratchett book I have been reading off and on for over a month now. I may have a crappy memory for a lot of things but I can keep more than one book going and leave a book and pick it up again in the same spot over a month later and just start reading again.
I just dropped Jeff and the bike off and now I am going to go take a nap with *A*.

Currently reading: Going Postal (Discworld, Book 29) By Terry Pratchett Release date: By 27 September, 2005

#1A)have you had sex in a place in which you worked? . Yes After hours at a job I was doing when I was a teenage
B) if so, have you had sex on or with anything that belonged to your boss? .. No can't say I have.

#2 Of most standard dating places....what is the one place the guy is GUARANTEED to make you not want a second date if he takes you there? .. A monster truck rally or the Mormon church.

#3 Have you ever set up that "best friend emergency cell phone call in case the date is failing" technique, or something like it? . I have told a guy My mom was sick and that I could not stay out late cause it was my turn to stay with her.

#4 Which is the worst offense for a first date (A) bad breath (B) forgot their wallet (C) talks non-stop about themselves (D) gets sexual way too quick (E) talks about their resume of exes .. I hate when a guy sits there and bitches about his exes, if he is calling them names and saying how awful they are do I want to be part of that list someday?

#5 Your date worships a particular actor or actress or famous person, who would that have to be to make you think "oh, It so will not work out with this person!" . There aren't many actors I would say that for but if he was obsessed with republican politicians or Rush Limbaugh (that happened once) I would know there was no chance

#6 What are the top 3 jobs you would prefer your date to have? .. I like computer guys, ones who make their living at it, I find it interesting, Artistic jobs and basically any job where they don't stink for hours afterwards and get paid regularly is cool with me.

#7 WOMEN which type of man interests you the most A) likes to wear suits more often than not B) wears them only for work, weddings, funerals C) wears them only for interviews, for weddings, and funerals wears a black pants and shirt D) will wear a suit for when he marries YOU, and his OWN funeral E) will probably insist you not put him in a suit for his own funeral .. Probably c C though maybe B would be OK, the right suit can be sexy on the right guy


#8 name the costume you most want your partner to dress up for in YOUR sex fantasy . I don't really get off on the idea of a guy wearing something to bed in particular I would get off more on the idea of him wearing some sexy gothic inspired outfit out all night and flirting and teasing and having fun and knowing I am going to get to take him out of it would have me hot all night.

#9 when do you want your love interest to meet your family? (A) As Soon As Possible (B) after being with them for 5 dates (C) after being with them for 5 sexual encounters (D) only to announce your engagement (E) my parents aren't even being invited to the wedding if I can help it . I have never considered having someone meet my family as being a huge deal, I usually introduce most of my friends at one time or another when we run into my family, I guess if a guy was important to me I would make an effort to introduce him but not make a big deal out of it after I had known him and few months

#10 Your partner does not give you crap about your weight....but they are religious about working out and staying in shape personally...... Does this bother you or turn you on? I don't think I would care, I don't really care that much about my partners being all buff and muscular as long as they are healthy and ok with their own bodies, I find all kinds of men attractive and while I might find one skinny guy attractive I may not find another the same size and the same for larger guys it is the person not the body so much. I would like that they were OK with my body.

#11 Name the places in which you meet someone that might make you decide NOT to push the flirting (A) Hotel lobby (B) Public transportation (C) Bar (D) at your job (E) in a grocery store (F) in a bookstore (G) in a movie theatre, during a movie (H) The Unemployment Office .. The Unemployment office seems a bad place to hook up for a date, bookstores are great places to meet people.

#12 Rank the obsession your partner might have that would most make you want to dump them (A) Dungeons & Dragons (B) computer games (C) Sudoku (D) working out, bulking up (E) Barbara Striesand songs (F) Watching hours and hours of Sports or soap operas .. The only one that might actually bother me would be F watching hours and hours of sports

#13 which is worse (A) your partner is totally homophobic with your gay friends? (B) your partner is WAY TOO FRIENDLY with your gay friends? . I have a lot of gay and a few transgender friends and I hang out every week in a gay bar for goth night I would not want a guy who could not be comfortable in that situation.

#14 what are the three traits in your self you would Most like to find in a partner?
Sense of Humor
Generosity
Sensuality

#15 what are the three traits in your self you would Least like to find in a partner?
Mental Illness(anxiety, depression, etc.)
Laziness
Jealousy

Thanks to Teflon Billy for most of the questions

Currently listening: Gay, Black & Married By My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult Release date: By 25 October, 2005

It is the first really big thunderstorm of the year this afternoon, the rain is coming down in sheets tearing into the ground like hail. I can hear the thunder roaring outside and I am glad to be safe and warm inside, me and the kitties looking out the window at the storm.
I think if I had to be a season I would be spring, ever changing, sunny and warm one moment and thunderous the next, growing and changing all the time slowly but surely. Cloudy and dark for long periods of time but plenty of times of warmth and rainbows to make up for the coldness.
Summer is alright, but around here it is rather monotonous, it is day after day of soaring heat and blinding blue skies and just the occasional storm to liven things up, usually only for a few minutes then back to the heat and dryness.
Winter is pretty blah in Boise, we don't have day after day of snow to brighten things up and while that certainly makes getting around easier it rather dreary. This winter has been wet and cold, except for a few freezing patches it was almost like a non stop early spring.
Fall is lovely, bright and changing but it is a sleeping/dying time and still mostly hot here, I prefer the coolness of spring.

Currently reading: My Heart May Be Broken, but My Hair Still Looks Great By Dixie Cash Release date: By 18 October, 2005

*A* decided to spend the night in Emmett with his cousins so they could fish this weekend . I can't be too upset he has spent pretty much ever night of his "weekends" with me since the end of November and a quite a few of his days, I just wish I had something interesting to do tonight but I really have no money or anyone to do anything with tonight and I definitely don't want to go the bars alone.

This afternoon I agreed to give Marissa a ride home from the store after her meeting so I went to pick her up and ran into my friend Adam who I have not gotten to spend any time with in forever so he jumped in the car and went with me. It ends up his girlfriend Brandy went to school with Danielle and Marissa and that they knew some of the same people so they had something to talk about. We dropped her off and went to the Library where I dropped off books, picked up some new ones and checked out the bookstore there. I can't wait for the Library booksale in a couple of weeks.
I dropped Adam off at his car decided to work on my MySpace profile and jazz it up a bit. I found a black satin background and turned it onto a very dark burgundy one, installed a new contact table and put new music on the page, going for that very classy gothic effect. I have to watch it when I am bored and looking for something to do, there are so many things you can do to a MySpace account these day with all the different codes out there, but I am a fan of simple and elegant design.
I went and had a cup of coffee and a bagel and read for a while then came home and called Danielle's cell phone and my doctor's office.

I left a message for my dr. about how my ear is still popping even though I took all the medicine when I had an ear ache and how I want her to give me a referral for my knee to a specialist. My dr. has told me she wanted me to loose around 50 pounds before she would refer me which is all good and fine and I understand her point but I would like to see the specialist now so they can tell me EXACTLY how much I need to loose if any (I am sure I will have to) and what exercises they would suggest to strengthen my legs and what not and if they can't do that I will ask for a referral to physical therapy to find out what I should and should not be doing.
I just feel right now as if I am kind of hanging out there without a real goal at hand, yes 50 pounds is a goal but I want to know exactly what it will take before they will operate on me even if it is a lot more then that. Oh yeah and she suggested Sudafed for my ears to dry them up.

Danielle called and suggested that we go out to Chinese food and I agreed since I had a 2 for 1 coupon to a place near her work and I went to get her. We went to Fortune Wok in Garden City and the food was pretty good especially since we both ate for less then $10. I brought half my food home and had it for dinner.
We stopped by Cost Plus on the way home even though I really did not have the money to spend on stuff like that and I bought one of my two favorite incenses (in fact just about the only two I can really stand) their Jasmine Tea incense, even though 40 sticks costs $5. I should have waited til the first but I am so damn impulsive. I also bought a tin of Ginger Altoids and Raspberry sour Altoids for $1.25 each.
I dropped Danielle off, went to the store and bought 3 boxes of my regular cereal (Honey Bunches of oats and almonds) and came home and spent the rest of the night reading. Oh the excitement.

Currently listening: Unleashed Memories By Lacuna Coil Release date: By 20 March, 2001

These are those questions you see in Bulletins and mailing groups.... I only answer them when I am bored or waiting for a phone call, and I am both.

A- AREA CODE YOU ARE IN RIGHT NOW: 208

B- BIRTHDAY: 12-7-68

C- CURRENT CRUSH: Sigh, so so so over it thank heaven

D- FAVORITE DRINKS: caf con letche', Frangelico Martini, Jasmine tea

E- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EAT RIGHT NOW : Jasmine rice, mints and onion bagels (not all together)

F- FAVORITE FRUIT: pomegranate, there is something decadent about the way you have to eat them slow and sensually, taking your time with each little seed pod.

G- GO TO FOR ADVICE: Grandma and mom

H- CURRENT HATRED: Pain

I- I THINK ABOUT: Love, pain, food, reading the internet

J- FAVORITE JUNKFOOD: Corndogs

K- ANY KIDS: no, cats are easier to take care of.

L- I LOVE: life, reading and laughter

M- NEXT MOVIE YOU PLAN TO SEE: Nanny mcPhee

N- YOUR FAV. NUMBER: 7

O- OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: Trin

P- FAVORITE PERFUME/COLOGNE: Nag Champa and Jasmine

Q- A LITTLE QUIRK ABOUT YOURSELF: popping my neck all the time and carrying just about everything in my purse.

R- LAST ROAD TRIP: just outside of town maybe 20 miles, I can't drive as far as I use to because of my bad knees. Though I did take an accidental 100 mile road trip a few months ago when I got lost on the way home from Nampa a town like 20 miles away.

S- DO YOU SMOKE: once in a long while I smoke cloves but we are talking a few a month

T- FAVORITE TV SHOWS: CSIs, L&O-SVU, Medium, Trading Spaces, craft programs on HGTV

U- COLOR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR? When I wear them they are black

V- LAST TIME YOU WERE IN VEGAS: July of 04

W- LAST CALL RECEIVED ON CELL PHONE: Marissa returning my call when the cell phone dropped my call

X- LAST X-RAYS TAKEN: My knees in August of 05 to prove I have Arthritis

Y- YOUR SCREENNAME: Trinaxxl and MsXXL

Z- ZODIAC SIGN: Sagitarius

Currently listening: This Lush Garden Within By Black Tape for a Blue Girl Release date: By 10 June, 1997

*A* came over early on his day off and we slept for a while then went to lunch. It is finally spring and more to the point it is starting to feel and look like spring around here so we decided to get out and do something. I really can't handle going to the park and walking around as much as I might want to and while I personally would have loved to go to the grave yard and take pictures I didn't think it was up *A* 's alley.
I found out that *A* had never been to the reservoir above Boise (he is from North Idaho) and since it will look so different in a month or so when everything is in bloom and the reservoirs are full I decided to go on a nice drive.
I drove *A* by the house I spent my teenage years in on Warm Springs Ave and showed him the way out to the river from that side of town and told him how all the houses out there were new and had not been there less then 10 years ago and that I remember going out there when you could see foxes and coyotes at night, you might still but I am sure it is more rare these days. We did see a lot of deer since there are still a lot of fields out there and you have to watch at night for them crocking the road heading for the river.
Boise river canyon
First I took him up to the top of Lucky Peak Dam to show him the view of Boise River Canyon and the Lucky Peak Reservoir, even thought the river is running at capacity the reservoir is only half full so there must still be tons of snow in the mountains. I plan to take *A* back up there in a month or so when everything is in bloom and the reservoir is full just so he can see the difference. The desert out here is an amazing place but you have to be willing to look to see the beauty of it, I think it is the same with people you have to be willing to look to see the beauty in them and then when you do you wonder how you ever missed it.
Mores creek canyon
I then drove us farther up the road to the Mores Creek part of the Reservoir and on to Robbie Creek park where we saw pine martins running across the road, I can't wait to take Nadia up there when everything is in bloom and the animals are out more.
*A* by river
Finally we came home in time for me to go get Jeff and pick up Marissa to go do laundry, we have been checking out different places to do it and this time we tried one on 28th street and after we loaded up our laundry we headed 4 blocks over the Fireside to have a drink. The Fireside is a big dark local hangout type bar that pours very strong drinks and reeks of smokes so bad I wished I could have washed my sweater after only 20 minutes. I had a Madras, Orange and Cranberry Juice with vodka and we got to the laundry mat just as our clothes were done. I hadn't had to pick up Nadia because she was not feeling well so her aunt came and got her and they decided to keep her over night so we went to Burger N' Brew after doing laundry and hung out for a while.
Jeff H. was behind the bar so even though I could not afford it I got a martini because he makes them so well and strong, he made Marissa and me a boysenberry / Frangelico martini, talk about yummy.
I took Jeff and Marissa home and headed home myself around 10pm and made *A* and me BBQ Pork and rice for dinner and then just hung out and watched South park and then I just sort of faded out and had to sleep.
Now I have to go pick up Marissa to take her to am appointment then I am coming home and going right back to bed.

Currently reading: A Hat Full of Sky (rpkg) By Terry Pratchett Release date: By 14 June, 2005

Your Inner or Soul's Urge: This is spiritual and emotional expression more than physical. It is your heart-felt desires, your incentive, how you look at life. Here are your areas of personal satisfaction.	Number: 4 You have a practical point of view and constantly work to put more order into your environment. In ventures or new directions, you like to look ahead, plan carefully, then apply yourself with concentration and good management. Once you have a goal in mind, you are persistent in its accomplishment. You are happiest when you can plan and create a permanent foundation upon which to build your life and your future. You desire respectability, solidity, love, and family pride and traditions and you loath pretension, insincerity, and deception. You want to serve and to be a rock of dependability and you appreciate the value of a job well done. A natural administrator, you are methodical and thorough. You are known for your reliability and pride of workmanship. To enhance your life experience, cultivate a wider viewpoint and discard things as they become outworn. Ummmmmmm NO. I am really a disordered person, and I am pretty comfortable with a medium level of order around me. While I do hate deceptiveness and pretention I also could care less about respectability. While I do tend to be the person who takes care of others I dont plan things out much at all.
Your Personality: This is physical expression more than spiritual or emotional; your outer self, the way you express when meeting others. It may or may not be the real you.	Number: 5 You are seen as curious, sensual, witty, carefree, capricious, and restless. Monotony does not survive around you. You are adept with words and can entertain new ideas with relish, making you an enjoyable person to be around. You tend to be fashion conscious. You may go to extremes in outerwear (and underwear), just to be daring and watch people's reactions or to be in the limelight. Realize your personality can be stylishly expressed, without overdoing it, and still fit the occasion. OK this is TRUE, I love to stir it up with my look and I figure people will be looking at me anyway they might as well be looing at me for my reasons.
Your Quiescent Self: Stripping away all outside influences, aspirations, ambitions, "shoulds", and "shouldn'ts" -- this is you when you are alone; just you and your dreams..	Number: 5 You travel to all countries of the world and experience the cultures they have to offer. You are fluent in all native languages and thrill with understanding many and varied points of view. Ties and responsibilities are not present. You live for adventure and constant new experience. Your thoughts and pleasure are not predictable, even to yourself, but always relate to learning or experiencing new things. Boy I would if I could that is for sure
Your Destiny or Ultimate Goal: This is your desired lifetime accomplishment. It is a key to a useful and happy life, and to feeling fulfillment during your latter days.	Number: 9 Your destiny is service to mankind and representing all that is fine, true, and generous. This is easier with tolerance, compassion, and understanding. You have tremendous power to warm the hearts of humanity and to stimulate the perception of beauty. You have an eye for beauty and perfection and are inspirational, kind, understanding, generous, an inspired artist, intuitive, and psychic. You give freely of your emotions, your skill, and your leadership purely for the benefit of mankind. You have the ability to use words effectively and artistically, both written and verbal. You are artistic, beautiful, strong, courteous, kind, impulsive, emotional, harmonious, and have an impressive personality. WOW Wouldn't it be nice to think that about myself????
Your Life's Path: Here are clues to what fate has in store for you. It indicates the type of encounters, events, and opportunities you are likely to experience along your physical life path.	Number: 7 Your path is along the lines of research, investigation and mental analysis. This includes meditation and introspection. Your opportunities will often be brought to you without having to go get them. The manifestation of those opportunities tend to have something in common with quiet places away from bustle and confusion. You work well with theories and fundamentals, seeking wisdom and hidden truths. When you use your own ideas and judgment, dedication, and scientific attitude, along with your intuition, your decisions will enable you to reach your goals. You can be alone without feeling lonely. You respect intelligence and are continuously accumulating knowledge for yourself. You have an intense reasoning capacity. Others will perceive you as having more warmth and less aloofness when you balance your knowledge and its pursuit with compassion and human sensitivity. That combination inspires wisdom. I try to be very cognative of things in my life and how they effect me and the people around me so I would say this is true
This Year's Path: Here is what you are likely to encounter this year -- your feelings, your predominant perspective, and the type of situations, circumstances, and opportunities you tend to attract during the calendar year.	Number: 9 This year you realize completion and/or fulfillment of some of your dreams. During the year you can let go of the old and undesirable to make way for the new and worthwhile. Things that have been lagging behind want to be finished up this year. Some things seem to finish themselves. In general, this is not a good year to begin new projects. Be tolerant, compassionate, and forgiving, and this can be one of the most wonderful years of your life. Keeping your mind open for broader interests and larger activities seem more natural to you this year. Make your interests more of a universal, rather than personal, nature. Love affairs get your attention, maybe even your own. You find yourself cultivating music, writing, and other arts, and expressing love to the many and toleration of all. The "brotherhood of man" is your keynote. Respond to the urge to do good works. Sounds pretty good, this year is pretty new but I am all for art, love and brotherhood of man
Next Year's Path.	Number: 1 More so than usual, you feel desire to move forward, to improve situations, to assert your individuality, and to get on with life. Reach for opportunities and they will come to you. Life is beginning anew! Now is the time to put your best foot forward; to take up a hobby or other activity that will freshen your thinking and broaden your general activities; to look ahead. This is an active year with many decisions to make. Your affairs are making a new start. The next nine years' experience will depend a great deal on what you do and don't do this year. It calls for strength of purpose, clear thinking, and listening to your inner voice. I desperately need to make changes in my life and stick by them so I hope this is right
Last Year's Path.	Number: 8 This is your year of achievement, your year to make great strides in business, employment, promotions, monetary compensation, and/or the accumulation of possessions. It is your harvest time. You feel ambition stirring, a desire to better your financial condition. To accomplish this, it is necessary to be businesslike, efficient, and practical all year. Many opportunities present themselves. To gain your rewards, move forward in a businesslike manner and with sustained effort. Your state of mind, mental capacity, education, experience, and self-confidence are all part of your success and financial advancement. You feel desire to make a special effort to improve or bring to a successful conclusion some of the ideas and dreams of the past years. This is a year of action. Place your abilities on the market with a sense of self-confidence and authority. I am not a very ambitious person and this last year pretty much sucked all around

You know you should not have to fear that if you let a friend see that something annoys you it will cause them to escalate that behavior just to get your goat. Friends pretty much should not try to embarrass you in a place they know you like to go on a regular basis. I love having younger friends but I swear there are times when they act just a bit too much younger then their age.

Danielle's tonsillitis made it too hard for her to work answering phones all day so she took the day off and *A* and I picked her up at the mall on her way home. We all drove down to get Marissa and came back up this way and had lunch at Chef Huts, the four of us ate til we were stuffed for only $24.
I have been collecting 80's and 90's music for them to make CD mixes with for the last few weeks so they came over and worked on some of the pictures I had taken of them the last few weeks for Marissa's profile and then I showed them how to compile CDs and *A* and I went to take a nap while they worked on it.
2:20 came around and I had not heard from Jeff about weather or not I needed to pick up Nadia so I called him and found out she had not gone to school today so I was not going to have to get her so I just went back to sleep.
I am so tired all the time these days it is not funny, I can't wait to be off the medicine, I just hope that it is the reason for all this sleepiness and confusion. If not I guess I am kind of screwed.
I drove the girls home and I was going to go to the 5:30 aquatics class but I can barely keep my eyes open and I just couldn't bring myself to go, I am determined to go on Wednesday though, there is no way I wont go at least one day this week. Hopefully as I start feeling better I will start going 3 or 4 times a week and start doing full one hour classes, I am hoping that will be within the next month.

*A* is so quite around other people they probably don't understand what I see in him, it took a while before he started to joke around with the waitresses at Chef's hut now they all think he is adorable, but my friends have hardly heard him say a word, he is a very shy guy around people until he gets comfortable. I mentioned my theory of FRANKENBOYFRIEND to a friend (being able to pick and choose the best parts of a bunch of different guys to make the perfect boyfriend) and she asked what I would choose from *A*?
I would definitely choose his willingness to give an honest compliment, so many guys never even think about it or if they do it is because they think it is something you want to hear as opposed to something they want to say. *A* is always complimenting me. Some are funny and some are sweet.
One of the funniest was when I was wearing my paint caftan which is huge even on me and is quite simply ugly but warm and he told me in all honesty "You look so cute in that thing." he really meant it, I pointed out to him later how messed up the caftan was and he told me he was not looking at it he was looking at me.
One of the sweetest was when he got in bed when I was already taking a nap and started touching my face, something I am not too crazy about, and said, "Sorry you are just so beautiful I can't help touching you." I told him I could wake up that way anytime. There have been so many others, I have known guys who swore they loved me, I have known guys who swore I had the body of their dream girl, I have known men who had copies of every picture I have ever posted or sold and yet I don't think I have ever known anyone so honest and guileless wilt their compliments.
The other thing would be his touching, he loves to touch me, and not always just sexually, *A* likes to reach out and touch my hand, my face, when I am driving he brushes up against my arm, we cuddle in bed which I am finally getting use to and when we watch TV we snuggle. I am finally starting to get comfortable with this much contact, something I have not been most of my life.
I really wish he were older and I was younger and we were both in love, he is wonderful and I love him a lot I am just not IN LOVE with him, I am Madly, Passionately, IN LIKE with him. And as I have said before maybe that is the best thing for me right now.

You know what they say about best laid plans.
I was suppose to go and pick up Nadia then Jeff and drop them off and go home and get my suit and stuff and meet Brandy at the Y for the Preg fitness class at 6:45.
So much for that idea.
I leave my house at half after 2 and go to Albertsons to get a Gatoraide and some grapes and then head for Nadia's school, even with the stop I get there early enough to get a decent parking spot and wait and read. The bell rings and I go and stand in my usual place by the fence wearing my leggings and oversized sweater and freezing my ass off. No Nadia
5 minutes.
No Nadia.
I wait.
10 Minutes
No Nadia.
I go into the school, I really have no idea where her class is except she had showed me some of her art work and so I checked that and saw the teachers name and asked some little girls if they knew that teacher. One little one took me there and I found Nadia's name on the class door and asked the teacher if she was there.
"Oh someone came a while ago and got her out of class, but I have no idea who it was."
Now even though I have every right to pick up Nadia there is no way the office is going to give me any information about who picked her up so I break ass getting back to Jeff's work thinking I must have missed his called and more then a little pissed to have spent 15 minutes in the cold waiting for her and worrying. I walk in and ask in my usual tactful manner, "So who picked up Nadia today."
He did not know.
Out comes the phone.
Ends up he had thought her grandmother was picking her up after work and she planned to pick her up on break to take her to see her aunt so she could get her eyes checked the next day. He had been half asleep when they talked so he thought she had asked if I could pick her up.
Talk about scary.

So we realize it is a Monday and Jeff doesn't have Nadia and this is usually our game night but since Nadia has been staying at Jeff's on Mondays for the last month we couldn't play so we start calling everyone hoping to get a little bit of game or even just visiting time with everyone. Only problem is I had told Brandy I would meet her for class but she was cool when I told her I would have to see her on Wednesday instead.
Our friend J. ended up stopping by early so I went over to WINCO and bought the four of us, me, Jeff, J., and Marissa who has hurt her wrist, a couple of their huge grilled sandwiches to share and some pop and cookies. Talk about yummy.
Adrian showed up and we watched part of Jeff's copy of the World IS Not Enough that was all scratched up and kept skipping, while Jeff went to take a shower and just as he got in there it skipped just the big skiing action scene and we hear Jeff in the bathroom bellow like a wounded beast. This can not go unnoticed of left alone.
I grab the remote and start pausing the movie, BELLOW NO…. pause NO….. pause ARG…. Pause NO!!!!! finally he yanks open the door with his hair going in every direction with the most maniacal look on his face as if he is going to come and throw the TV out the window and sees me with the remote and I start laughing so hard I can't breath. J. and Adrian and laughing at me as much as at Jeff.
Grant came over for a while but had to leave before the other Jeff got there so when he got there we just hung out while they drank a few beers (I still can't stand the taste and probably wont be able to for at least 5 weeks) we watched FOUR ROOMS again. Finally just after Ted cuts off Norman's little finger and walks out of the penthouse with $1,000 I had to take J. home and get to bed.

Sunday after bringing Danielle back home from the Dr and the pharmacy where she picked up stuff for tonsillitis (which thankfully is not contagious sense I have managed to make it for some time now not getting sick while everyone around me does) I pretty much just stayed home and read and slept. I can’t wait to get off of this medicine, I am tired all of the time.
*A* came over while I was sleeping and we took a nap together then goofed off for a while then I compiled some music from my CDs for my mom to choose from for a 90s CD she wants to make. I made us dinner and then *A* had to go to work and I got ready to go to Industria. I go pretty much every week, for me it is one of the most comfortable places I can imagine, I feel so much at home with these people so that I can go there even when I know I do not look my best, when I am tired or not feeling so well I know they will treat me right.
Me with my hair up in chopsticks, I am gettin it cut on the first
I was thrilled to show up and see Analisa and Brook were there, neither of them had been there for months, I had seen Analisa at SOMETHING WICKED a few days before but had not seen brook since the last time she came to the club. Even though I was broke Analisa bought me an Irish coffee and so did Hope so I actually had two drinks plus a sip of wine and I didn’t have any problem with them. I took some pictures but not all of them came out, I just need to take more so that I will have more chances at good ones. I did get a couple really nice ones of Tom and Brandy though and of Matt.
Brandy and Tom
*T* was there, he finally bought himself a pool cue so I guess I will put mine back in the house since he wont be borrowing it anymore, I really need to get an umbrella stand for my sword canes and my pool cue. We hung out for a little while but he still has a cold and I was so tired we did not end up getting together which was fine, it is great when we do but not a big deal when we can’t. *T* has a lot of traits I would put in my FRANKENBOYFRIEND but *A* has even more and I see him a lot more often. I think I keep the connection with *T* to keep myself from ever getting too serious about *A*, who is one of the nicest, sweetest people I know but nothing changes the fact he is 21 and I am 37 and there is a point where age Does matter.
I would have liked to stay later but I started to fade around midnight and I was home by 1 am which was good because mom gave me a call at 8:30 to see if I wanted to go to breakfast. I went over to pick her up and we went to Chef’s hut, I think we are going to try a few new places the next few times just to see what is out there, not that we don’t love them. We stopped by the store where I got a huge bag of jasmine rice and some little cans of cat food and mom filled up my gas tank for me since I over spent this month. I got a 7-11 card so I will start putting $60 a month on it after I fill up my tank the first time so that I will have gas money in the middle of the month, their prices are about the same as Albertsons but if I had one of their cards I could spend it on all kinds of stuff. With 7-11 I would only be able to buy coffee and cheeteos really other then gas, there just isn’t much there I like.
Mom came over and we made her up another mix CD off of my other CDs which took a couple hours since she had to listen to most of the songs I had ripped to the computer for her to check because she did not know them by name, but I was thrilled to give her something she really liked.
Today I pick up Nadia but her grandmother may be getting a car in the next day or two. I love Nadia and I don’t mind getting her sometimes, it is just the everyday thing that was getting me down, if I did not live about 10 miles from her school and if that was not another 5 or 6 miles from her home which is 6 or 7 miles from mine it would not be so bad. Even with some gas money I just can’t afford to do it on a regular basis plus I think it is better for Nadia to get to see her grandmother more often and me a little less, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

Matt

Oh lord I am tired, like sick tired.

I wish Jeff worked on Saturdays so he could take the bus to work or that it would be above freezing so I could be mean and say ride a bike or walk but I just can't do that when it is freezing out. Danielle is sick, she thinks it is strep throat so I am picking her up first and then driving Jeff to work and taking her to an immediate care place to get it checked.
These Sunday morning drives are just wearing me out since I just had the hardest time staying asleep last night. Isn't that always the way it is? I can't seem to stay awake most of the time when I want to stay awake and when I want to sleep I just don't seem able to get or stay there.


Last night around 10pm I got this craving for the weirdest thing, sushi rice.
It isn't hard to make I just didn't have most of the ingredients which was sad since all it takes is:
sticky rice 1 cup cooked (you are suppose to use glutinous or sushi type rice but any well rinsed rice will be sticky and I love jasmine rice)
Rice vinegar 2 tblsp (you can not use normal vinegar it taste like crap, get the seasoned stuff then you don't need salt)
Oil 1 1/2 tblsp (any type works but good old canola is great and doesn't mess up the flavor)
Sugar ½ to 1 tblsp (you only need a bit, flavor to taste)
A dash of salt if you want
Stir it together and eat it hot or cold, wrap it around meat or veg or eat it plain which is what I do.
Anyway I have been eating it like it is going out of style and that is what I am having for breakfast, I am probably going to have to take some with me, LOL, I should take it in a little crystal bowl just for the hell of it.

Currently listening: Bad Music for Bad People By The Cramps Release date: By 25 October, 1990

I guess I am stopping the Topamax. I had a talk with Jeff and he pointed out that since I started taking it my anger level, which is usually next to none, has been through the roof. I also haven't been able to think very clearly and I am tired all the time and don't have any energy any more since I started taking it.
I asked my grandma to look up the side effects of Topamax and some of them include aggression, dizziness, sleepiness, anger, confusion and an entire list of things I now can't remember, oh yeah and forgetfulness. I also checked out a couple sites on line and found one that said if you took Topamax before for weight loss chances are it will never work again and that it can seriously impede other drugs.
On the other hand Topamax can be a wonder drug for some people, I just really have to weigh the pros and the cons.

PRO-
it does give me a little more control over my appetite but I think I can work on that on my own.
it makes it impossible to drink carbonated drinks and that is good but I went for a month not drinking soda and I think I can do it again.

CON-
Getting angry over little things and having stuff make me feel exasperated easily
Being tired all the time, sleeping too much and when I am not sleeping wishing I was.
Being distracted and having a hard time thinking
Being forgetful and having trouble saying what I mean
Feeling dizzy, I don't have good enough balance to add that to the mix
Being even less motivated then usual.
Loss of creativity, I was doing a lot of crafts there right before I started taking this.
And I am starting to wonder if this itching I have been having so badly lately could be related?

Anyway it will take me 3 weeks to get off of the Topamax since I have to gradually start taking less every 4 days or so. I just hope it makes a difference and that I will be able to control my appetite when I am done.

Currently listening: August and Everything After By Counting Crows Release date: By 14 September, 1993

Toasting with an irish coffee
*A* had to spend the day with his mother who had come down from north Idaho so I decided to go over the Chef's Hut and have Corned Beef and cabbage. I love that place, for under $7 I had coffee, a whole plate of real, very tender, corned beef, crisp cabbage, boiled new potatoes and a salad and roll with horseradish sauce. You just can't beat that around here. I didn't have to pick up Nadia so I went by Jeff's work to give him a ride and pick up some gas money, which I really need to put in the tank and should have done it right then and there, again I have spent way too much money on the first few days of the month and I have got to be more careful next month and budget myself for the first week. It is just so easy when you only get paid once a month to splurge on things when you have been broke for a couple of weeks. Next month I have got to prove to myself I can make it through the month better.

Jeff and I stopped by Marissa's work and dropped off the Drunken Irish Rock CD I had made last year and a copy of the Chieftains for her to listen to while working. After he got cleaned up we headed over to Hasting books and music and he bought Spy Craft and a James Bond soundtrack and bought me a frozen drink called a Nutty Irishman, how can you resist the green whip topping? We checked out the CD and saw that it was filthy so since we were near my place we stopped by and I ran it through my cleaner and checked to see if *A* had showed up and wanted to go down to the bars with us. *A* had not gotten back yet and I did not want to drive all the way downtown and then all the way back to my place (about 5 miles) and wait to see when he would get Then maybe go to Mulligan's downtown. So Jeff and I headed back to his house and decided to call Danielle since her house is on the way and see if she wanted to go. Jeff sat in the van reading hid RPG book while Danielle got ready.
Jeff and Marissa
I had left my clean laundry from Sunday in the car (can you say SLACKER) which was fine since it meant I had my green velvet dress in the back of the van so I pulled that out and put it on at Jeff's and borrowed a bit of Marissa's foundation, big mistake, it is very yellow on me since I am more pink and while it looks great on her it did not look good in some of the photos I took which is why one of them is in black and white…lol. I liked the kind though, a mousse, and may have to get some in my color. We drove over to Mulligan's and had to park a block away and got there around 8:30 before the place was totally packed and found a table and I found a stool to sit on, I had an Irish coffee and did ok despite the medicine and one half shot of Irish Cream in another glass of coffee. We ran into a few of our friends like Scum and Normal Dan and Amber and her friend Becky.
Scum (john and me)
Marissa had to get back to work since she was on a split shift so we only stayed til about 10 but the crowd had gotten so bad I had to go out the back door and ask Marissa to go around the front way and get my van for me and bring it around.
Normal dan and me
Normal Dan was sweet enough to wait out back with me for them since they first had to find Jeff and then they thought they had lost the cell phone and it took a while to get to the van and get back to me. As we were driving off we saw him in front of the building so he came running and jumped in the back of the van and we drove him over to Jeff and Marissa's house (which is about 6 blocks from Mulligan's) and then back to his car which was 1 block past Mulligan's. Danielle and I stopped by Albertson's on the way to her place and I bought a small pack of sushi and ate California rolls on my way home and let the wasabi paste clear the smoke out of my head. Now you see why I should have put my money in the gas tank right away after spending $9 of it playing around. When I got home, worried that *A* would be wondering where I was, I found him fast asleep on my bed.

Currently reading: Hissy Fit By Mary Kay Andrews Release date: By 01 September, 2004