Friday, February 25, 2005
Want
I wish I could not care if I was ever loved again, not care who does and doesn't desire me, not care what people I like think of me and not be hung up on being forgotten.
I want to simply not care.W
I want to simply not care.W
About the CSI episode
I thought it was pretty much a bust, they made some token efforts at showing BBWs looking good, but went for all the classic cliches of fat chicks as desperate sluts with no self esteem who break furniture and who are victims to their own selves, their bodies and needs.
I would have been happier if she HAD killed him, if she had knocked him out then smoothered or even crushed him, or if better yet they had a group of BBWs team up to punish a player.
Choosing this woman who not only has a bunch of cliche fat illnesses AND can't even take care of herself, who chooses to have sex with a guy who shows her NO respect THEN simply passes out on him, that offended me as much as any fat jokes.
I would rather they have showed us as a bunch of pissed off fat chicks who join together to reek vengence.
I would have been happier if she HAD killed him, if she had knocked him out then smoothered or even crushed him, or if better yet they had a group of BBWs team up to punish a player.
Choosing this woman who not only has a bunch of cliche fat illnesses AND can't even take care of herself, who chooses to have sex with a guy who shows her NO respect THEN simply passes out on him, that offended me as much as any fat jokes.
I would rather they have showed us as a bunch of pissed off fat chicks who join together to reek vengence.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Love
Anais Nin:
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
Quotes
Will Durant:
The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
I feel like the worse person in the world
Last night my cat was driving me crazy catching his claws in my bedding so after he snagged the hell out of my new sheets I grabbed him and decided to clip his nails.
I was so tired and so doping from being sick that I was not thinking strait and the idea of clipping his nails with a pair of scissors just seem like a good idea. It worked till the last nail when he jerked and I cut the pad clean off of his middle right toe. I was sure I had cut through the bone. He never got mad at me, he never seemed to hold it against me. He just slept on my bed all night.
I had to wait till the next day and could not get him into the vets till 2 PM. I had to borrow money from my grandmother and will be paying her back for a very long time since it cost over $300. I feel so horrible about spending so much money last week, if I hadn't I would have been able to pay at least half the bill on my own. I look back at last week and wonder what I was thinking, I could have used that money on so many things, I think if nothing else that regret will keep me from getting drunk like that again. I am not saying I won't drink again, I am saying I will not be doing it for more then $10 any one night..LOL
They had to amputate his toe and he will have to be bandaged for a week. I know it is going to be hell keeping him in bandages and giving him is antibiotics. I can barely take care of myself but I am determined to take care of him.
Poor Bacchus. I have kept him up late every other night this week and I wasn't even going to see him tonight but I just could not deal with being alone and thankfully he was there to tell me more then once that I am NOT infact a horrible person.
I spent Valentine's Evening with him watching Angel Heart, so I at least got that all important Valentine Kiss...LOL And he got a little more then that. Poor guy was exhausted the next day since he had worked an extra half shift cooking that day.
Then Wednesday night I took a different Futon I got from a friend over to him since the little piece of crap one had already gotten bent out of shape..Probably my fault. This one has center braces and a wider base and a really thick comfortable mattress. I put the other mattress in the back of my van (I have no back seats) and it fits fine. I feel so bad since as I was taking the old mattress out I spilt coffee into his CD player. By some miracle it worked after sitting and drying out but I still feel like a big clumsy jinx.
Well I can honestly say this, I am the first person who fooled around with him on that futon.
He did get to bed about an hour earlier then the night before but still late. I feel bad about this cause as hard as it is for him at work tired I feel worse when my keeping him up makes him not have as good a time with his daughter. I joked with him tonight that I am her Fairy Goth Mother and she doesn't even know me. I gave her this wonderful teddy bear I have had for a few years that was in perfect condition and needed to be really truly loved and I gave her a batch of my mardi gras beads so she can play treasure with them.
Then Friday night I went by to pick him up cause I just could not deal with being home and having my girl cat crying at me about her brother being gone tonight. We did a lot of running around since it was his payday and I like to be helpful. He got a copy of the X-files movie and we watched that tonight, he also bought me Karl Hiaasens SKINNY DIP at the book store in place of gas money. He is working on a x-filesish RPG and I will probably play that one with him if he can find others who want to play so while he worked on that I read. I like that we can just hang out and do nothing serious.
He was really down on himself tonight so I ended up giving him a detailed list of what I like about him, then told him everything again with a bunch of kisses. I enjoyed it but I can honestly say that for once I did not want to go farther, too distracted about my cat but it is sort of a habit I guess.
Sunday we are getting together as a group and going to see Constantine. I had planned to cook us all dinner but you know the one thing I hate about cooking for a cook? They are so picky. When I suggested making a chicken pesto he told me he only likes one kind of pasta sauce, his own..LOL I offered to by the stuff but he said he would get it and make it the night before so it could sit and he and his little doll could have some for dinner. I grabbed a couple loaves of this great seasoned French bread tonight and put them in the fridge and I will slice it thick, butter it and grill it to go with the food.
I was so tired and so doping from being sick that I was not thinking strait and the idea of clipping his nails with a pair of scissors just seem like a good idea. It worked till the last nail when he jerked and I cut the pad clean off of his middle right toe. I was sure I had cut through the bone. He never got mad at me, he never seemed to hold it against me. He just slept on my bed all night.
I had to wait till the next day and could not get him into the vets till 2 PM. I had to borrow money from my grandmother and will be paying her back for a very long time since it cost over $300. I feel so horrible about spending so much money last week, if I hadn't I would have been able to pay at least half the bill on my own. I look back at last week and wonder what I was thinking, I could have used that money on so many things, I think if nothing else that regret will keep me from getting drunk like that again. I am not saying I won't drink again, I am saying I will not be doing it for more then $10 any one night..LOL
They had to amputate his toe and he will have to be bandaged for a week. I know it is going to be hell keeping him in bandages and giving him is antibiotics. I can barely take care of myself but I am determined to take care of him.
Poor Bacchus. I have kept him up late every other night this week and I wasn't even going to see him tonight but I just could not deal with being alone and thankfully he was there to tell me more then once that I am NOT infact a horrible person.
I spent Valentine's Evening with him watching Angel Heart, so I at least got that all important Valentine Kiss...LOL And he got a little more then that. Poor guy was exhausted the next day since he had worked an extra half shift cooking that day.
Then Wednesday night I took a different Futon I got from a friend over to him since the little piece of crap one had already gotten bent out of shape..Probably my fault. This one has center braces and a wider base and a really thick comfortable mattress. I put the other mattress in the back of my van (I have no back seats) and it fits fine. I feel so bad since as I was taking the old mattress out I spilt coffee into his CD player. By some miracle it worked after sitting and drying out but I still feel like a big clumsy jinx.
Well I can honestly say this, I am the first person who fooled around with him on that futon.
He did get to bed about an hour earlier then the night before but still late. I feel bad about this cause as hard as it is for him at work tired I feel worse when my keeping him up makes him not have as good a time with his daughter. I joked with him tonight that I am her Fairy Goth Mother and she doesn't even know me. I gave her this wonderful teddy bear I have had for a few years that was in perfect condition and needed to be really truly loved and I gave her a batch of my mardi gras beads so she can play treasure with them.
Then Friday night I went by to pick him up cause I just could not deal with being home and having my girl cat crying at me about her brother being gone tonight. We did a lot of running around since it was his payday and I like to be helpful. He got a copy of the X-files movie and we watched that tonight, he also bought me Karl Hiaasens SKINNY DIP at the book store in place of gas money. He is working on a x-filesish RPG and I will probably play that one with him if he can find others who want to play so while he worked on that I read. I like that we can just hang out and do nothing serious.
He was really down on himself tonight so I ended up giving him a detailed list of what I like about him, then told him everything again with a bunch of kisses. I enjoyed it but I can honestly say that for once I did not want to go farther, too distracted about my cat but it is sort of a habit I guess.
Sunday we are getting together as a group and going to see Constantine. I had planned to cook us all dinner but you know the one thing I hate about cooking for a cook? They are so picky. When I suggested making a chicken pesto he told me he only likes one kind of pasta sauce, his own..LOL I offered to by the stuff but he said he would get it and make it the night before so it could sit and he and his little doll could have some for dinner. I grabbed a couple loaves of this great seasoned French bread tonight and put them in the fridge and I will slice it thick, butter it and grill it to go with the food.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
To the person who....
read my blog and told my mom I am a long time drunk, that I was stumbling drunk downtown and had to be helped to walk and who told my mom I was having sex downtown...
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIT.
Until last week I have not been even close to what could be called Drunk since New Years Eve when I was barely buzzed and for YEARS before that. I have an extraordanary capacity for alcohol, it takes a lot to make me more then buzzed which explains why I DON'T drink often, it simply costs way too damn much to get more then a tiny buzz on. Last week was fun, it is over, I don't plan to do it again and if I did it is my business... I am over 30 years old and can pretty much do what I want.
I do not get stumbling drunk, the only stumbling I have done was Sunday and that was due to an ear infection, I was totally sober... And if I wasn't I am over 30 years old and can pretty much do what I want.
I have NOT had sex downtown, kissing a few people is NOT sex, only close minded freaks would think it was the same thing. OH yeah and even if I did get it on in the middle of the Grove (in Febuary for god sakes) ... Say it with me folks... I am over 30 and can pretty much do what I want.
Are we seeing a theme here?
I am OVER 30... I already tell my mother most of what happens in my life and if I don't tell her something it is cause she is a worry wart. So if it is none of her business it sure as hell is not up to you to tell her crap about me. And if I EVER get another early morning phone call from my mother about how a friend of a friend felt the need to call her and tell her about me I will hold her down and sit on her till I get your name and then I will hold you down and sit on you..... till you can't ever meddle in my business again.
Then she will really have something to worry about HUH?
GET YOUR FACTS STRAIT.
Until last week I have not been even close to what could be called Drunk since New Years Eve when I was barely buzzed and for YEARS before that. I have an extraordanary capacity for alcohol, it takes a lot to make me more then buzzed which explains why I DON'T drink often, it simply costs way too damn much to get more then a tiny buzz on. Last week was fun, it is over, I don't plan to do it again and if I did it is my business... I am over 30 years old and can pretty much do what I want.
I do not get stumbling drunk, the only stumbling I have done was Sunday and that was due to an ear infection, I was totally sober... And if I wasn't I am over 30 years old and can pretty much do what I want.
I have NOT had sex downtown, kissing a few people is NOT sex, only close minded freaks would think it was the same thing. OH yeah and even if I did get it on in the middle of the Grove (in Febuary for god sakes) ... Say it with me folks... I am over 30 and can pretty much do what I want.
Are we seeing a theme here?
I am OVER 30... I already tell my mother most of what happens in my life and if I don't tell her something it is cause she is a worry wart. So if it is none of her business it sure as hell is not up to you to tell her crap about me. And if I EVER get another early morning phone call from my mother about how a friend of a friend felt the need to call her and tell her about me I will hold her down and sit on her till I get your name and then I will hold you down and sit on you..... till you can't ever meddle in my business again.
Then she will really have something to worry about HUH?
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Maybe it is just me....
so you are there with your goth boy and you are doing something yummy as hell to him and you feel him reach over and grab your hand... you look up and you realize you have matching black nail polish on....
Am I the only one who gets hot and bothered over that?
Am I the only one who gets hot and bothered over that?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
No Heart to Break.
A Tragic Beauty Valentines day Soundtrack
My friend Baccus and I make people Mix CD's for hollidays. I use the nickname Tragic Beauty ((inside joke)).
So this year I spent a good deal of Valentine's Day Making
NO HEART TO BREAK (another inside joke)
The song list includes:
01 - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
02 - Wicked Game - Chris Issak
03 - If love is a red dress (hang me in rags) - maria mckee
04 - Not A Pretty Girl - Ani Defranco
05 - Desperately Wanting - Better Then Ezra
06 - I can't make you love me - Bonnie Raitt
07 - Love Ridden - Fiona Apple
08 - The Scientist - Cold Play
09 - Misguided Angel - Cowboy Junkies
10 - As the World Falls Down - David Bowie - Labyrinth
11 - Angels Would Fall - Melissa Etheridge
12 - Waiting for the Miracle - Leonard Cohen
13 - Frozen - Girls Under Glass
14 - Life In Mono - Mono
15 - Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
16 - You Cause As Much Sorrow - Sinead O'Connor
17 - Wild Horses - Tori Amos
Now I just have to think what to do for St. Pattys
My friend Baccus and I make people Mix CD's for hollidays. I use the nickname Tragic Beauty ((inside joke)).
So this year I spent a good deal of Valentine's Day Making
NO HEART TO BREAK (another inside joke)
The song list includes:
01 - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
02 - Wicked Game - Chris Issak
03 - If love is a red dress (hang me in rags) - maria mckee
04 - Not A Pretty Girl - Ani Defranco
05 - Desperately Wanting - Better Then Ezra
06 - I can't make you love me - Bonnie Raitt
07 - Love Ridden - Fiona Apple
08 - The Scientist - Cold Play
09 - Misguided Angel - Cowboy Junkies
10 - As the World Falls Down - David Bowie - Labyrinth
11 - Angels Would Fall - Melissa Etheridge
12 - Waiting for the Miracle - Leonard Cohen
13 - Frozen - Girls Under Glass
14 - Life In Mono - Mono
15 - Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
16 - You Cause As Much Sorrow - Sinead O'Connor
17 - Wild Horses - Tori Amos
Now I just have to think what to do for St. Pattys
Sunday, February 13, 2005
SELF-DISTRUCTION TOUR 05 has been called off...
On account of Ear Infections
Both of my ears are so impacted I kept thinking the
car had stalled at lights cause I could not hear the
engine, I have no balance and I thought I was hung
over this morning because I could barely stand but
ends up it is just my ears. I have ruptured both ear
drums in the past so I have to be careful. I guess I
will put the heating pad in the pillowcase and put it
on low and hope I dont melt my extentions to my head.
I doubt I will be at industria tonight since the whole
not being able to walk strait thing is a bitch drunk
or sober.
Oh well 5 days of being completely shit faced is
enough for anyone.
Both of my ears are so impacted I kept thinking the
car had stalled at lights cause I could not hear the
engine, I have no balance and I thought I was hung
over this morning because I could barely stand but
ends up it is just my ears. I have ruptured both ear
drums in the past so I have to be careful. I guess I
will put the heating pad in the pillowcase and put it
on low and hope I dont melt my extentions to my head.
I doubt I will be at industria tonight since the whole
not being able to walk strait thing is a bitch drunk
or sober.
Oh well 5 days of being completely shit faced is
enough for anyone.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Dissolute life
It has been suggested that I am being self distructive...
I just want to lead a dissolute life for a little while, my only problem is I have not been able to get drunk enough to give in to total self abandon and do certain things I would really like to do.
WORD OF THE WEEK
dissolute
Function: adjective
Text: Synonyms Abandoned 2, licentious, profligate, reprobate, self-abandoned, unprincipled
Related Word lax, light, loose, slack, wanton, wayward; fast, raffish, rakish, wild
I just want to lead a dissolute life for a little while, my only problem is I have not been able to get drunk enough to give in to total self abandon and do certain things I would really like to do.
WORD OF THE WEEK
dissolute
Function: adjective
Text: Synonyms Abandoned 2, licentious, profligate, reprobate, self-abandoned, unprincipled
Related Word lax, light, loose, slack, wanton, wayward; fast, raffish, rakish, wild
Valentine Plan
My plan for a good valentines day is to be totally fucked up every night between now and the day after valentines day... OH yeah and to kiss at LEAST one guy who I don't know on every night ((so far so good, tonight it was this sweet guy name Chad))
I started on Tuesday for Mardi gras and it is going to work out great cause between now and Tuesday the 15th I plan on the only pain I feel to be a hangover and the joy I feel to come out of a bottle.
We will join the regularly scheduled program of winter doldrums after the 15th
((why can I believe a drunk boy who tells me I am beautiful and not someone who says he cares for me...??))
I started on Tuesday for Mardi gras and it is going to work out great cause between now and Tuesday the 15th I plan on the only pain I feel to be a hangover and the joy I feel to come out of a bottle.
We will join the regularly scheduled program of winter doldrums after the 15th
((why can I believe a drunk boy who tells me I am beautiful and not someone who says he cares for me...??))
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Mardi Gras
I would think I was dead but I hurt too much....
OH man lets see
The bead total.... Not including the ones I earned last year and split with Brandy ... about 20 strands including two of the pool ball sized ones ((earned those by showing I could put one all the way in my mouth... Groan)) oh yeah and a beer for my only act of flashing (plus 6 beads) there were only about half the number of people as last year downtown.
Drink total... 4 shots of Southern Comfort before leaving the house, 3 big hurricanes, 2 double run and cokes, one Barracuda (so-co, vodka and triple sec in a high ball glass) and that beer that I did the bar trick and drank in one. Not to mention people kept giving me drinks off of theirs.
Walking, ALL THE HELL OVER DOWNTOWN, we went all over the 6th and main area a dozen times, up and down the stairs at the reef, down to Mulligans at 10th and main, back then all over 6th and main again, neither of us wearing coats.
Dancing.. Soul Purpose was playing at the reef, both of us danced an entire set. Damn Disco music...LOL
Kisses, bites, nibbles and purrrrrrssss. Damn there were so many, I become Miss Kitty when I drink Southern Comfort so I was purring and scratching men left and right ((and a few girls)) numerous kisses shared including kissing some guy for 20 mins then realizing I did not know him.....LOL (("Umm that was nice, do I know you? Ok Bye")) and an amazing hot guy at the reef who kept following me around and rubbing up against me, SIGH I was such a good girl and did not take anyone up on their offers to go be bad....LOL but that last one was tempting. I really think if I had to pick a holiday to call the perfect one for me it is a serious toss up between Mardi Gras and Halloween.
Freezing.... YES, it was about 25* with a breeze by the end of the night and we had been down there from 7:30 to 3:30am, by the time I got home I was numb and even after a shower could not get warm. I ended up putting the heating pad on low and cuddling that for an hour before I could warm up enough to sleep Maybe I should have taken someone up on one of those offers...LOL at least I could have got warm faster
Pain.... OH MY Feet and neck, I did not plan to walk all over so I was not in good shoes so my calves and feet feel like hell, and walking around with over 10 pounds of beads gets a bit sore after a while.
FUN???? OH MY YES!!!!!! I had the best time, flirting is my drug of choice and I had sooo much of it.
OH man lets see
The bead total.... Not including the ones I earned last year and split with Brandy ... about 20 strands including two of the pool ball sized ones ((earned those by showing I could put one all the way in my mouth... Groan)) oh yeah and a beer for my only act of flashing (plus 6 beads) there were only about half the number of people as last year downtown.
Drink total... 4 shots of Southern Comfort before leaving the house, 3 big hurricanes, 2 double run and cokes, one Barracuda (so-co, vodka and triple sec in a high ball glass) and that beer that I did the bar trick and drank in one. Not to mention people kept giving me drinks off of theirs.
Walking, ALL THE HELL OVER DOWNTOWN, we went all over the 6th and main area a dozen times, up and down the stairs at the reef, down to Mulligans at 10th and main, back then all over 6th and main again, neither of us wearing coats.
Dancing.. Soul Purpose was playing at the reef, both of us danced an entire set. Damn Disco music...LOL
Kisses, bites, nibbles and purrrrrrssss. Damn there were so many, I become Miss Kitty when I drink Southern Comfort so I was purring and scratching men left and right ((and a few girls)) numerous kisses shared including kissing some guy for 20 mins then realizing I did not know him.....LOL (("Umm that was nice, do I know you? Ok Bye")) and an amazing hot guy at the reef who kept following me around and rubbing up against me, SIGH I was such a good girl and did not take anyone up on their offers to go be bad....LOL but that last one was tempting. I really think if I had to pick a holiday to call the perfect one for me it is a serious toss up between Mardi Gras and Halloween.
Freezing.... YES, it was about 25* with a breeze by the end of the night and we had been down there from 7:30 to 3:30am, by the time I got home I was numb and even after a shower could not get warm. I ended up putting the heating pad on low and cuddling that for an hour before I could warm up enough to sleep Maybe I should have taken someone up on one of those offers...LOL at least I could have got warm faster
Pain.... OH MY Feet and neck, I did not plan to walk all over so I was not in good shoes so my calves and feet feel like hell, and walking around with over 10 pounds of beads gets a bit sore after a while.
FUN???? OH MY YES!!!!!! I had the best time, flirting is my drug of choice and I had sooo much of it.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
I'M not in love, yet again
I don't know if I can be.
I don't know if I can be in love, I am pretty damn sure I can not be loved the way we all want deep inside, loved totally for who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I was small, even average would I be loved, then I realize it is not likely, I would still be what I am, I would still be missing something. Too little, too much, not enough. Not what I need to be.
Sunday night I was feeling guilty cause I was very tempted by this other guy at the bar when *Bacchus* did not come to the club. Monday evening I pick *Bacchus* up to find out he has fooled around with a friend of his who he has had a crush on the longest time... ((one of the two I know about))
The sad thing is I am more insulted then anything, they did it on the futon I had given him and not even had a chance to use with him. ((insert bitter laugh here))
I should walk away from him but I don't seem able to, we joke and say that we are twins and I told him that is why I can not let myself ever fall in love with him, he is too much like me, maybe just cracked where I am broken but still too much like me.
I told him we both need to someday find someone who has most of their pieces in place and who are not also broken. Thankfully for him he still has all his pieces around.
He told me he was sorry and was sure I would not always be broken.
I told him I was broken before I met him.
I was broken before he was born.
To be honest I was broken before I was born.
We watched Donnie Darko and it tore me apart, too much of it rang a bell with me. I can not even say the words to Mad World (the song from the movie) without choking up.
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
Afterwards I asked to stay. We lay there in the dark with just the green light from the fire alarm shining in our eyes and I tore myself open and told him all kinds of things and part of me loves him for being there and part of me hates him for knowing those things and seeing me fragile.
So then of course I seduced him.
We all have our addictions and our ways of coping and sometimes they are one and the same.
And I can not help but fight intimacy I fear with intimacy I can control.
I don't know if I can be in love, I am pretty damn sure I can not be loved the way we all want deep inside, loved totally for who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I was small, even average would I be loved, then I realize it is not likely, I would still be what I am, I would still be missing something. Too little, too much, not enough. Not what I need to be.
Sunday night I was feeling guilty cause I was very tempted by this other guy at the bar when *Bacchus* did not come to the club. Monday evening I pick *Bacchus* up to find out he has fooled around with a friend of his who he has had a crush on the longest time... ((one of the two I know about))
The sad thing is I am more insulted then anything, they did it on the futon I had given him and not even had a chance to use with him. ((insert bitter laugh here))
I should walk away from him but I don't seem able to, we joke and say that we are twins and I told him that is why I can not let myself ever fall in love with him, he is too much like me, maybe just cracked where I am broken but still too much like me.
I told him we both need to someday find someone who has most of their pieces in place and who are not also broken. Thankfully for him he still has all his pieces around.
He told me he was sorry and was sure I would not always be broken.
I told him I was broken before I met him.
I was broken before he was born.
To be honest I was broken before I was born.
We watched Donnie Darko and it tore me apart, too much of it rang a bell with me. I can not even say the words to Mad World (the song from the movie) without choking up.
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
These dreams in which i'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
Afterwards I asked to stay. We lay there in the dark with just the green light from the fire alarm shining in our eyes and I tore myself open and told him all kinds of things and part of me loves him for being there and part of me hates him for knowing those things and seeing me fragile.
So then of course I seduced him.
We all have our addictions and our ways of coping and sometimes they are one and the same.
And I can not help but fight intimacy I fear with intimacy I can control.
Monday, February 07, 2005
Laughing
As I have said before I don't like Valentine's Day. I don't like the sense of obligation, of guilt, of pressure. This has nothing to do with if I am in love or not, or even if I am loved or not.
I simply don't like being told you MUST be in love, you must give/get gifts or something is wrong with you on this day. If I want to give a gift I will, if someone cares for me and wishes to give a gift they will...any time we wish without guilt and obligation attached
So when I saw this at Wikipedia I could not stop laughing.
I simply don't like being told you MUST be in love, you must give/get gifts or something is wrong with you on this day. If I want to give a gift I will, if someone cares for me and wishes to give a gift they will...any time we wish without guilt and obligation attached
So when I saw this at Wikipedia I could not stop laughing.
In Japan, Valentine's Day has emerged, thanks to a concentrated marketing effort, as a day on which women give chocolates to men they like. Rather than being voluntary however, this has become for many women especially those who work in offices an obligation, and they give chocolates to all their male co-workers, sometimes at significant personal expense. This chocolate is known as giri-choco (義理チョコ), from the words giri (obligation) and choco, a common short version of chokoreeto (チョコレート), meaning chocolate.
By a further marketing effort, a reciprocal day, called White Day has emerged. On this day (March 14), men are supposed to return the favour by giving something to those who gave them chocolates on Valentine's Day. Many men, however, give only to their girlfriends. The return gift should be white (hence the name), and is often lingerie.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Hair Extentions
I got some long streaks put in my hair at a friends salon NeoNephthys. White, Purple and maroon.. I love them.
The finished extentions
Jen putting them in my hair.
The finished extentions
Jen putting them in my hair.
It's Not the really bad days . . .
that get me. Not the days when I want to scream and cry that scare me. I don't really think about dying on those days.
It is th days when I just can't seem to feel a whole hell of a lot, when I can't let myself fall into the pain or rise above it. It is the days when I don't KNOW how I feel.
Those are the days when I think about dying, when I can almost feel it happening. Those are the days I want to write "It is not your fault" and just give up.
But I don't because I know those days are not everyday.
I just wish they were not so often lately.
It is th days when I just can't seem to feel a whole hell of a lot, when I can't let myself fall into the pain or rise above it. It is the days when I don't KNOW how I feel.
Those are the days when I think about dying, when I can almost feel it happening. Those are the days I want to write "It is not your fault" and just give up.
But I don't because I know those days are not everyday.
I just wish they were not so often lately.
So me..
Have you ever actually Read the words to Meredith Brooks song BITCH? This song is so me I have to believe that Brooks is Bi-Polar. Mind you I don't think I will ever find "a stronger man" who can put up with it.
Bitch
Written by M. Brooks, S. Peiken
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way
Bitch
Written by M. Brooks, S. Peiken
I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Too Nice
I get accused of being too nice because I tend to give gifts and do things for my friends. The thing is I am not selfless in any way.
I ENJOY doing things for people, the moment I don't enjoy I simply stop doing it. I like things done the way I want them done and a lot of times it is simply easier to do them myself, I don't like to deal with peoples pissed off feelings so it is imply easier to be polite and make sure they are not getting up set.
I know I inherited this from my mom, it is more of a form of OCD then just being nice. A friend has two 8x10 portraits of his daughter, so I bought him 2 frames at the dollar store, what do I get out of it? I get the enjoyment of finding really good frames for $1 each.. and I am a bargain junky, I was born under a clearance sign. I get the enjoyment of knowing the pics will be put up correctly, which is more then you know. And I get the pleasure of giving a friend something that took me a few moments in time and a few dollars AND made both of us feel good.
I have a hard time getting people to understand that yes I can be nice, but I am just as capable of ripping someone's throat out with my bare teeth if they hurt me or mine.
So I guess that makes me sexy, kinky and NICE, who knew?
I ENJOY doing things for people, the moment I don't enjoy I simply stop doing it. I like things done the way I want them done and a lot of times it is simply easier to do them myself, I don't like to deal with peoples pissed off feelings so it is imply easier to be polite and make sure they are not getting up set.
I know I inherited this from my mom, it is more of a form of OCD then just being nice. A friend has two 8x10 portraits of his daughter, so I bought him 2 frames at the dollar store, what do I get out of it? I get the enjoyment of finding really good frames for $1 each.. and I am a bargain junky, I was born under a clearance sign. I get the enjoyment of knowing the pics will be put up correctly, which is more then you know. And I get the pleasure of giving a friend something that took me a few moments in time and a few dollars AND made both of us feel good.
I have a hard time getting people to understand that yes I can be nice, but I am just as capable of ripping someone's throat out with my bare teeth if they hurt me or mine.
So I guess that makes me sexy, kinky and NICE, who knew?
Eyes
Someone told me my eyes are hypnotizing, that he can't get enough of them.
I told him they are Dark as Sin and Deep as Sorrow.
He told me I did not have the eyes of a sinner.
More the fool he.
What has been going on.
I admit it I have been slacking on putting down what is going on in my life, in a big part because I have been a bit conflicted about some of it and have spent the last little while trying to decide how I DO feel about it.
Lets see I am sort-of... kind-of... I am not sure... in a kind of relationship with this guy who I call *Bacchus*.
To say it is complicated is an understatement.
We are attracted to each, we love to kiss, to touch to talk and play. We are so much alike it is actually kind of scary, and maybe that is part of the problem. It seems like we should be perfect for each other but no such luck. ((when do I ever get luck like that???))
He has been totally honest with me, we are friends, we are lovers and in some weird way it is like we are related, but he is not in love with me, he does not want to be in love with me or to date me or to get deep with me or anyone he says. I can live with that since, while he is so close to my perfect idea of a man, he does lack one very important thing on my list of wants and Needs....
To quote my own blog from last month about my want list for a perfect mate. ****He has to be totally in to me, he has to want to love me, be with me and only me ((yeah big one but hey it seems like it should be at the top of the list, but I see no point in falling for a guy who is ashamed to be with me or who doesn't think I am the right one for him))****
I refuse to allow myself to fall for someone who can not fall for me.
He tells me he has a long standing unrequited crush on a woman we know (actually on two different women we know, one of who I totally understand and one who boggles my mind), that he is not able to let it go.
I can live with that, it is not something I want to hear but I can live with that, I am not going to say it is not sad, I am not going to say I don't wish someone would care for me like that.
But then it also makes me a bit mad, why do people waste their time wanting someone who does not treat them well when other people do and are available. It is as if I want to stomp my feet and say "It's Not Fair."
Most of the time my feelings on it are almost distracted and distant, other times I am just sad about it. He is a good guy and I think he deserves better. But then of course *I* deserve better but I don't walk away from it so who am I to talk.
I could have lived without him telling me he cares a lot for me and I am special to him but even if he ever gets to the point where he could see himself in a serious relationship he does not see me as the one. He is of course not the first man to ever tell me that, it seems to be the theme of my relationships.
Not being someone people see themselves with.
I have no disillusion that I would be able to change his mind, the only time you should try to change a male is when you can pick him up in one arm and he is in a diaper.
I have pretty much given up on ever having anyone fall totally and truly in love with me. I also wonder if it is possible for me to really fall in love, truly in love. I care about him so much but I know it is not love, I know my need for self protection is simply too great to let me feel the way I should. I know this is something that is missing in me, and maybe it is part of what people sense in me that keeps them somewhat away from me. Maybe this is a part of why no one will ever be able to love me how I am.. That and a lot of other things.
So why am in this ... relationship?
Well I have a wonderful time when we are together, we are so alike it is bizarre, we like the same things the same music and movies and books and when we are together physically it is beyond intense. And like all physical relationships it Will fade someday and then I can walk away and simply keep him as my true friend, until that day or the day one of us calls halt I don't plan to give up my lust partner OR my friend.
There are those who tell me I should not settle, that I should insist on love and adoration. But since I don't think it will ever happen for me I refuse to punish myself and deny myself what I want.
If and more to the point when he calls a halt to the sensual and affectionate side of our relationship, something he is more likely to do then I and that will probably happen before I am ready, I will probably be hurt. But I will NOT be devastated, I will not be heartbroken. I don't believe that hearts break, they dent, they hurt and they get bruised but they do heal and I refuse to live my life in fear of a future pain. I have done that too much in my life.
I have too often let my emotions whisk me on a ride from hell, too often basked in the pain of them, the drama of them, too often been unwilling to put my foot down and say no more. My need for what I thought was love tore me apart for years, thrust me over and over into a relationship that should have died a simple death the with the first break up, keeping me involved emotionally for 3 years in what should have lasted only 6 months.
Since I can not be the person others need me to be to love me then I will have to be the person I need to be to be content and secure in my own skin.
There was a time when I was willing to change so much of me, the way I dress, the color of my hair. No more. I will never again dye my hair the color of the woman some man can not get out of his mind, I will not change my way of dressing, my way of being, my friends to fit his needs.
There was a time I when I hated myself so much I was willing to destroy my body and I changed those thoughts. I rewrote the script in my mind. I learned to not let myself feel or think those thoughts. I learned to accept myself.
And I can damn well teach myself to feel what I need to feel Secure and content in myself.
Lets see I am sort-of... kind-of... I am not sure... in a kind of relationship with this guy who I call *Bacchus*.
To say it is complicated is an understatement.
We are attracted to each, we love to kiss, to touch to talk and play. We are so much alike it is actually kind of scary, and maybe that is part of the problem. It seems like we should be perfect for each other but no such luck. ((when do I ever get luck like that???))
He has been totally honest with me, we are friends, we are lovers and in some weird way it is like we are related, but he is not in love with me, he does not want to be in love with me or to date me or to get deep with me or anyone he says. I can live with that since, while he is so close to my perfect idea of a man, he does lack one very important thing on my list of wants and Needs....
To quote my own blog from last month about my want list for a perfect mate. ****He has to be totally in to me, he has to want to love me, be with me and only me ((yeah big one but hey it seems like it should be at the top of the list, but I see no point in falling for a guy who is ashamed to be with me or who doesn't think I am the right one for him))****
I refuse to allow myself to fall for someone who can not fall for me.
He tells me he has a long standing unrequited crush on a woman we know (actually on two different women we know, one of who I totally understand and one who boggles my mind), that he is not able to let it go.
I can live with that, it is not something I want to hear but I can live with that, I am not going to say it is not sad, I am not going to say I don't wish someone would care for me like that.
But then it also makes me a bit mad, why do people waste their time wanting someone who does not treat them well when other people do and are available. It is as if I want to stomp my feet and say "It's Not Fair."
Most of the time my feelings on it are almost distracted and distant, other times I am just sad about it. He is a good guy and I think he deserves better. But then of course *I* deserve better but I don't walk away from it so who am I to talk.
I could have lived without him telling me he cares a lot for me and I am special to him but even if he ever gets to the point where he could see himself in a serious relationship he does not see me as the one. He is of course not the first man to ever tell me that, it seems to be the theme of my relationships.
Not being someone people see themselves with.
I have no disillusion that I would be able to change his mind, the only time you should try to change a male is when you can pick him up in one arm and he is in a diaper.
I have pretty much given up on ever having anyone fall totally and truly in love with me. I also wonder if it is possible for me to really fall in love, truly in love. I care about him so much but I know it is not love, I know my need for self protection is simply too great to let me feel the way I should. I know this is something that is missing in me, and maybe it is part of what people sense in me that keeps them somewhat away from me. Maybe this is a part of why no one will ever be able to love me how I am.. That and a lot of other things.
So why am in this ... relationship?
Well I have a wonderful time when we are together, we are so alike it is bizarre, we like the same things the same music and movies and books and when we are together physically it is beyond intense. And like all physical relationships it Will fade someday and then I can walk away and simply keep him as my true friend, until that day or the day one of us calls halt I don't plan to give up my lust partner OR my friend.
There are those who tell me I should not settle, that I should insist on love and adoration. But since I don't think it will ever happen for me I refuse to punish myself and deny myself what I want.
If and more to the point when he calls a halt to the sensual and affectionate side of our relationship, something he is more likely to do then I and that will probably happen before I am ready, I will probably be hurt. But I will NOT be devastated, I will not be heartbroken. I don't believe that hearts break, they dent, they hurt and they get bruised but they do heal and I refuse to live my life in fear of a future pain. I have done that too much in my life.
I have too often let my emotions whisk me on a ride from hell, too often basked in the pain of them, the drama of them, too often been unwilling to put my foot down and say no more. My need for what I thought was love tore me apart for years, thrust me over and over into a relationship that should have died a simple death the with the first break up, keeping me involved emotionally for 3 years in what should have lasted only 6 months.
Since I can not be the person others need me to be to love me then I will have to be the person I need to be to be content and secure in my own skin.
There was a time when I was willing to change so much of me, the way I dress, the color of my hair. No more. I will never again dye my hair the color of the woman some man can not get out of his mind, I will not change my way of dressing, my way of being, my friends to fit his needs.
There was a time I when I hated myself so much I was willing to destroy my body and I changed those thoughts. I rewrote the script in my mind. I learned to not let myself feel or think those thoughts. I learned to accept myself.
And I can damn well teach myself to feel what I need to feel Secure and content in myself.
