Standing on the Borderline ~ T'Rina / MsXXL

I sooooo earned extra geek points Monday night
I went over to Bacchus house at 11:30PM and picked him up to go to Walmart.
There we waited til midnight and bought a copy of Star Wars Clone Wars Cartoon on DVD
OH yeah and huge bag of Star Wars DARK SIDE M&Ms (dark chocolate in dark colors)
Then we went back to his house and cuddled up to watch it.

By the way it is well worth the money to see and I hope they get another one out by the time the movie is released.

Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!


What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am beginning to realize that I am suffering from the depression side of my bi-polar. The good news there is I am getting back on my meds and they should have a serious effect pretty quickly. It also helps to realize that a big part of the hell I have been going through is chemical and can be treated as such. I know that I still have to deal with my BPD but I also know that I can do it better if the chemical depression is not making everything seem so much worse.
I am trying to relax, I am not drinking now and just relaxing a lot and reading but I am going to try to not do the hermit thing. I have a tendency to shut people out while I deal with these things.
I feel like I can get a grip on things and get back to feeling decent and functioning more or less if I get back on meds, stay off of booze and work hard to control irrational behavior and thought.

"Worry does not empty today of it's sorrow. It empties today of it's strength" - Corrie Ten Boom

I am giving up drinking for at least a month, I have only started drinking a lot again these last 6 months or so and it is getting worse and worse.
Drinking is a form of self medication and it is not working, I think it brings all my pain the surface, it makes me have a much less secure grasp on my feelings and desires. I also find myself using it as an excuse to let loose, to not try to control myself and my needs. Not to mention the last thing I need is to be getting drunk and horny while I am trying to deal with learning to not over sexualize myself.

I am beginning to realize just how out of wack my values are. All along Bacchus has told me he was not IN love with me, that he loved me but not that way, but it did not matter to me since we were still very intimate and lovers, I could deal with not having his love as long as I had proof of his desire.
Now he has told me I met him at a weird point in his life, if I had met him even a few months before he would not have allowed himself to be sexual with me, that he wants to be in love when he is intimate, that he feels he is cheating me by not being able to give all to me. I have told him I don't expect it from him or to be honest from anyone and he says he desires me but he can't give in, he has to know he can keep his word to himself. Part of this is because the last few times he brought up being celibate we ended up being sexual, now he doesn't trust either of this way and I can't even kiss him. And that nearly kills me, I think I could do without the sexual stuff but not being able to kiss him tears me apart.
The sad, sick thing is I am more hurt, more torn up by the fact he does not want me sexually then I was by the fact he can never be in love with me. I realize now just how much my values are out of wack, how off my concepts are.
He tells me he desires me and that that is a big part of why we can not kiss, not be physical beyond hugs and movie watching cuddles, and hearing that does help a little but part of me just can not believe him. He tells me he still desires me but I know he says it cause I need to hear it and he knows it, he may still desire me but part of me feels if he did then he would show me in a way I can believe. He tells me that he does not know if he will always feel this way, he says I just need to not be sexual with you right now but I won't say it is forever. My mind says "yeah humor the crazy fat chick."
I hate myself for being so negative, I hate myself for making this really wonderful human being have to justify himself to me, for doubting him and for doubting myself and not having faith that I am more then a pair of tits and sexual talent. I hate that I can't seem to get past that with him and that there are times when I think it would have been easier if we had never met. I hate that I have made him feel bad, that I have made him uncomfortable, and that I have made a pest of myself. I hate that I am weak, I hate that I can't get past this pain, this need. I feel like a sexual vampire just waiting for him to weaken and I hate that part of me just wants and needs physical proof that I am desirable to him. I hate hungering for someones kisses like candy or booze. I hate being weak.
Funny thing is that there is another guy here in town who has made it so obvious he desires me and i told him I need to not get involved with anyone for a while and it is true. I need to be in a place in myself where desire is not all I am worth, I need to not get into another relationship that is only sex. I need to get to a place where I can deal with the one guy in my life for a long time who has tried to see me as a person on a non sexual basis.
I need to not hate myself for all of this and I am not there right now.
Bacchus keeps saying you are half way there, you know it is a problem, you know you want to fix it you are half way to being better. I tell him I am not half way there, I have been wandering in the woods and now I have finally found that there is even a trail out of it. Thankfully I have an idea what direction to go but I know it is going to be a hard trip. Especially since I am carrying so much baggage.
He worries so much about hurting me and I try to make him realize he has done nothing wrong, he has been honest all along and it is my illness that is causing me to hurt myself about all this. I told him that when things don't hurt we ignore them and I have been ignoring this in me for years by not letting myself care for anyone. Now it HURTS, it hurts badly, but I am aware that it is the illness in me that causes me to hurt and it can get better. In a way he is right, I am so much father along now then I have ever been in my life. For once in my life I am as worried about his pain as mine. I see when I am being manipulative. I see when I am doing the wrong thing. Now I also see a way out of it.

OK do you know the one really big advantage of being built like me and wearing a very low-cut green velvet dress to a bar full drunk men ((trust me there were many more men then women I would say 2 to 1))?
I had so many drinks bought for me I for the first time I can think of have no idea just what all I drank, I am happy to say I did NOT have so much as a drop of green beer.
I did have many many shots of whiskey in Guinness, Irish Panty shots (Yazi ginger vodka and Irish cream) and LOTS of run and coke. Oh yeah and one Miller Genuine Draft in the bottle so I could do my bar trick. I also got so many compliments on the dress, on my eyes ((I did not wear my glasses)) and on my cleavage (lots of really tall men there))


Me and a friend

I know I should not need compliments but I also accept it is part of my personality, I love being the center of attention, thankfully I am willing to shine the light on others as well. Because of something that has happened with a person I care about my ego was feeling a bit dented but last night definitely fixed that up.
I went early to save a table for my friend Brandy, who did not show up for damn near 2 hours after I got there. I had a small plate of decent but not great corned beef (need to go buy a brisket of it since it is cheap) and lots of coke waiting for her then a few rum and cokes. She finally shows up just in time for us to split a basket of curly fries and go up to what ended up being the WORST party in a filthy house where they wanted $5 a cup for a keg which would be fine but I really don't like beer and I had to leave early since the place was giving me the creeps. Not to mention would perfer not to be surrounded by drunken teens.
I drove out to my friend J's work around 8:30 to pick him up and read while he was getting off work, thankfully they know me there since Bacchus also works there and I pick him up there a lot so they did not mind me just sitting and reading. J and I went back to Mulligan's where I had been before and hooked up with friends. I so owe J. a few Guinness on the first One good thing is having J to give a ride to helped me not be tempted to do something stupid with the handful of guys who wanted to hook up, though I have to say I was proud of myself as well since I really wasn't all that tempted. I just enjoyed the flirting and was happy to leave it at that.
All together a very fun and ego enhancing night just when I needed it most.

Annie loaned me a book called New Personality Self-Portrait by John M. Oldhan, M.D. and Lois B. Morris.
Basically it takes the DSM standards of personality disorders and breaks them into 14 sub groups. Morris makes the point that all people have Behaviors, they only become a disorder if they are out of proportion to one another and that many of the things that do make up a behavioral disorder are good behaviors that are taken to the extreme. An example of this would be my friendliness and openness, both great things to have but in my case they can become over-powering, intimidate and make people uncomfortable.
You take a 104 question test that allows you to answer Yes, Maybe and No to behavioral questions. You can then graph out the answers to get an idea what areas of personality you have the most and the least traits of and wether or not they effect you in a positive or negative way and how they interact with other aspects of your nature. Many behavioral disorders come in clusters, in my case I have histrionic (dramatic), borderline (mercurial) and anti-social (adventurous) tendencies mostly with some self-defeating (self sacraficing) ones. I am lowest in avoidant, obsessive compulsive (which is odd cause I have recurrent OCD about certain things but not those that define this as a disorder.) I scored a 0 on schizoid (solitary).
As I looked at the graph I did of the score I started to think about my answers and went back through the test to see where I had scored the highest on some of these things. I began to realize something about my answers.
I was often answering questions no so much as I am and as I am becoming but how I have been in the past and more to the point how I think of myself. We all think of ourselves in a certain way and a lot of the time those ideas about ourselves are out of proportion to the person we are now. Yes I have been unreliable, yes I am still Sometimes but not like I was in the past, I am evolving.
An example of a question I changed the answer on is "I express my feelings in a vivid and dramatic way." Well I do Sometimes, and I Use to do it All the time, I use to be so much more volatile, so much less able to control my feelings and my expression of them and yet now I am in so much better control I am probably not much more this way then an average person.
On top of how we remember ourselves to be is how we Want to think of ourselves. I originally answered the question "I like to do things spontaneously, without planning ahead." A resounding yes, because I like to think of myself as a person who just does things on the spur of the moment, and I have been that person and still am to an Extent. But it is not all of me, I am very good at making plans, it is just sometimes I make them quickly.
Another set of questions I had to change for this exact same reason had to do with being anti-social (violent and having no respect for people and laws) they were, "I am intrigued by an underground kind of life where you can break the rules and get away with it." ((from yes to maybe )) And "I don't believe in feeling guilt about what I have done." ((from No to Maybe)) I am interested in that kind of life style but in fiction, in real life I have no interest in it, and I don't want to be the kind of person who feels guilt, but I do and that is probably a good thing.
I realize that a lot of the things I am dealing with include how I think of myself and a lot of those opinions I have of myself are out of date. It is time to not only take a fresh look at myself but to start changing myself, I don't have to get rid of the parts of me that are good, I just need to get them a bit more in check with the other parts of my nature.

Here is the photo for the County Morgue Website

I know that I have been filling this blog full of unimportant bits and pieces lately. I am dealing with a lot of things in my life and have not been able to make myself spill it all here (which for me is actually a step forward as you will see) but by the same token I feel that I have to deal with these things and that writing about them and the affect on my life of dealing with them will help me. I know that what I write here is only important to me and a few friends but I still feel the need to use this as a place to deal with these issues to some extent.
I am also aware that many people who do read this coming from my site may either judge me very harshly about what I have to say, and/or allow what they read to justify to them some image they already have of me, but that is not something I can help, these are issues I want and need to deal with and if being honest about who I am makes someone feel justified in not liking me there is nothing I can do about it.
I also know that some people who have ideas about me just from my site, from my pictures and art and writing may be disappointed to find I am not the fantasy they have of me and will be disappointed. But then that has always been a problem with me, people think I am one thing and when they find out I am not what they want me to be they can not deal with it. In the long run though, becoming the person I need myself to be is a lot more important to me then being the person someone else thinks I am.

I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. This link can tell you more about it then I can, but basically in my case it has to do with real or exaggerated fears of abandonment. I also deal with serious impulse control issues in pretty much all of the areas, food, booze, sexuality, driving and spending. I also have unspecified anxiety and a variable self image that changes radically with what is going on in my life. I do not have chronic or inappropriate, intense anger but I have in the past and I now have a desperate need to control my anger and not let it loose since it scares me. I have not tired to kill myself since I was a teen or even hurt myself in about 9 years but the thoughts of it are still there, deep inside of me.
Here is the difference between myself and a lot of people with BPD, I am AWARE of my illness, even as I have unrealistic thoughts about things another part of me is telling me to stop it, that my fears are not real. I have more control over some of my impulse issues then I ever did in the old days, I do not give into binge behaviors as much as I use to. I am also much more able to see that these behaviors are simply a form of self medication. I am also aware that variations in my self image are totally related to what is going on in my life and that I can not let it tear my apart or affect how I see myself in the long term.
Many people with BPD will do anything to not be alone, and in the old days I use to let all kinds of people live with me (off of me) so that I would never have to be alone. These days I am quite good at being alone for very long periods of time, I like being around other people but I can go along time without anyone around or without seeking out company.
I have dealt to some extent with this disorder by NOT allowing myself to get into a relationship, by distancing myself from people but I realize that I do not want to live like that, I don't want to be alone forever and that is what will happen if I keep it up. BPD makes it damn near impossible for me to have a healthy relationship and it sure as hell makes it hard for anyone who gets to know me to want to have a serious relationship with me.
My Gentleman friend who I call Bacchus here is someone I care a lot about, I love him but I am not in love with him, to be honest I am not sure if I CAN be IN love with anyone truly until I deal with these issues. One of the things that BPD does is affect how you see the people in your life, tending to paint them in extremes and alter how you see them and how they react to you. It leads you to have a lot of fear and fear is not where love comes from.
I made a joke in chat when someone asked me who he is that he is my "gothboy, my friend, sometimes lover, celestial twin and maybe even my damnation." Partly cause it is hard to care for someone who admits he can never see himself in a long term romantic relationship with you. Partly because knowing him and realizing I am not someone he could be IN love with, that I am at this point in my life not someone who anyone could honestly be IN love with has been tearing me apart. I may not be willing to let myself be IN love with someone who can not return the feeling but it doesn't mean it does not hurt to know he CAN be IN love with Other people, too know I am not one of those many women he seems to always have a crush on. It brought up a lot of the issues I have avoided like the plague for the last 3 years.
I have avoided dealing with my BPD by staying away from relationships, by not letting myself care about anyone and telling myself over and over I did not care if I was loved. I have told myself and others the truth, I do not like WHO I AM when I am in a relationship. I do not like the insecurities, the jealousy, the doubt the fear and the pain I feel no matter how good the relationship seems at the time.
When I joked about that to him he got very upset. And I have been thinking about it, reading about it and I realized maybe he is not my damnation but part of my salvation ((sorry to sound so corny)). I accept with all my heart that he is not the person who I am going to someday have a full on relationship with BUT knowing him, being with him makes me realize I DO want to have this with someone and more to the point I want to be the kind of person that someone would WANT to have a real relationship with. I want to be the kind of person someone like him would want in their life fully and totally and I want to be able to LIKE who I am when I am in a relationship.
Seeing how just having him in my life has brought out so much of the bad stuff in me I hate made me realize I have one of two choices:
I can walk away from him, loose one of my dearest friends, loose a part of myself that is reflected in him.
OR
I can seriously face these issues, face my disorder.
As I said to myself over a decade ago when I started to deal with my size acceptance issues, I can deal with it or die with it, and since I do not want to have this for the rest of my life or have it put paid to my life (suicide is a serious issue with BPD even though I have not had any serious desire to do it I do think of it sometimes)
For a long time I believed BPD was like my Bi-Polar disorder, that it was something I would have the rest of my life, but that meds would not really treat BPD like it did the Manic-depression. I have accepted the Manic-depressive behavior will be part of my life for the rest of my days but even that I have begun to deal with by changing my thought process. The more I read about it the more I realize that while manic-depression has a huge affect on my life, BPD is one of the things that has made my life so difficult and has kept me from achieving what I want out of life on many levels.
Realizing that I can not go on feeling like this, not willing to give up the part of me that is my friend, not willing to give up a chance that someday I will find someone who will want to love me the way I want to love and be loved but know I can not right now made me decide I have to deal with this NOW.
I use to see a great councilor name Annie but when she moved to a new practice I lost touch with her about a year ago and before had been seeing her only sporadically for quite a while. I have been off of my Bi-polar meds for a while and doing alright but one of the things I realize because of it is that they masked a lot of the symptoms of my BPD, they really didn't make it easier to live with just easier to not deal with them, to let myself not get close to people.
I finally tracked Annie down and saw her last Wednesday and have set up appointments with her for the next few months. I talked to her about what I am trying to deal with, and why I don't want to start taking meds yet. We talked about the stuff I had read about BPD, that it can be treated with cognitive-behavioral therapy, basically learning how to think differently, learning to not give into the thoughts and behavior. I also plan on getting some books on the subject and using them to help me.
Sounds easy I know especially since I am so aware that the thoughts and feelings are not correct but it really isn't. It can take a year or more of serious work to learn how to not give into the impulses but I feel I have already made serious strides to getting a grip on it.
Now we face what has me sort of torn. One aspect of BPD is a lack of boundaries, the tendency to tell everyone everything. To flood people with thoughts and feelings. It is one of those things that tends to put people off of people with BPD, to make them uncomfortable around them.
So at the same time I am trying to control this tendency about myself I also feel I need to write about it and about my attempts to deal with it so that it will stay fresh in my mind. I have already done a lot of self editing about my life where this blog is concerned and I am sure I will be able to work on that and still deal with what I need to. I am aware that in the long run what I write is only important to me but maybe it will help someone else as well and that if I find I can not deal with writing about this stuff and making it public I can always edit or remove this blog, it is only the act of writing this out that I need, if I find I can not publish it without feeling that I am betraying someone else's privacy or that doing so is bad for me then I will simply go back to posting cartoons and random pictures and song lyrics.

I have mentioned it before but my friends and I often make up Mix CDs for holidays and this is mine for St. Patrick's day... Though since I am part Irish (as well as Scottish, Welsh, Native American, and Russian) and Not a Catholic, or Christian for that matter, I celebrate Drunken Irish Day. So here is my song list for my DRUNKEN IRISH ROCK Mix CD

Black 47 - Irish Drinking Song
Flogging Molly - Drunken_Lullabies
Dropkick Murphys - Auld Lang Syne
Flogging Molly - Never met a girl like you before
Flogging Molly - Rebels of the Sacred Heart
The Pogues & Steve Earle - Token Celtic Drinking Song
Dropkick Murphys - Finnegan's Wake
Dropkick Murphys - The Dirty Glass
Flogging Molly - Irish Pub Song
Dropkick Murphys - The Spicy McHaggis Jig
Flogging Molly - Seven Deadly Sins
Flogging Molly - Tomorrow Comes A Day Too Soon
Dropkick Murphys - The Dirty Glass
Flogging Molly - The Likes of You
Flogging Molly - The Worst Day Since Yesterday
Irish drinking songs - Fuck you I'm drunk (Unknown artist)

Everymonth or so I change my desktop wallpaper
This is the one I found from SPACE.COM


I do not believe in a devine power, I do believe in cosmic chaos therory, that things happen (beyond us) because they happen, that things like this exist in the universe because they can, and because they can they must if only for a moment. Our viewing it does not effect it, it is past, so far past we were only dreams when this moment happened. I do not believe in chaos theory in the lives of humans, nor even on a truely global scale, I do believe in interconectivity, one thing effects another and another and another and often we can not begin top imagine how it affect us.
Maybe that is part of it, one second in our lives, a smile, a frown and dime spent may have repercussions down the line and they do not even have an affect us. I think as people we are always looking for how things affect us, but the truth is not everything does.
This moment in time may affect my mind because it allows me to think, to feel amazment and joy but I do not effect it in amy way

I don't seem to be able to sleep without drugs lately, or if I do fall asleep I can't stay there

TIRED
I am tired of wanting what I can't have,
never quite being good enough,
never quite connecting all the dots,
never being the right one at the right time in the right place,
I am tired of doing what it takes to get through the night and knowing it is just making it worse.
I am tried of never having enough,
I am tired of being too much.
I am tired of caring,
I am tired of wanting,
tired of needing,
tired of being needy,
tired of thinking,
tired of being sick,
sick of being tired,
I am tired of being me,
I am tired of being,
I am tired,
I am just so damn tired.
and I can't stay asleep.

This song tears me apart everytime, and tonight as I
was driving back home it came on as I got near my turn
and I just headed on up the street and got on the freeway
and tore out to the desert singing this at the top of
my lungs. 
15 miles out then back at 1:30 am, hitting 80 most of the way


Outside Lyrics
by Staind

And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Who will probably never see this...

Your desire for me thrills me, fill me with joy, makes me for a minute feel whole.

Your regret tears me apart inside.

I can never be the one, and now I can not even be the one-right-now without your remorse.

I just wish it was easy.

Did anyone see last nights Law and Order SVU?

After being so disappointed with the general quality of last weeks Big women/punch drunk boxer cliche

ridden, lack luster acting, crappy writing CSI I was thrilled to see what can honestly be called an Amazing episode of SVU.

It was like something I would expect to see on cable, not for violence but for sheer intensity.

Matthew Modine was perfect as a serial child killer who taunts the police who are interrogating him and he never slips into any of the seedy and overblown cliches of a pervert. That is an intense step for a well known movie actor to take, on TV no less.

The actor Christopher Meloni who plays Detective Elliot Stabler was also on the absolute top of his game, there were a few scenes, extreme close ups where you had no doubt this man could snap and that he is aware of it and it scares the hell out of him.

The series has slowly allowed this stuff to build in him, he is getting more and more on the edge. He also should be up for a Emmy when the time comes.
It was nice to see a Network TV show take these kinds of risks. They took one story and focused on it and took it to its deepest point, only a tiny part of it was not in the interrogation room and yet they managed to keep the intense feeling there.
The lighting was something you would expect to see in a GOOD suspense movie, a great deal of the camera work was extreme close ups which is hard to do well but which was used to the absolute perfect degree.
I think every once in a while everything clicks and they say lets see how far we can push this, lets try something you don't see every week, and THEN if they can get a star name behind the episode the network will let them push a little harder on the boundaries.

There is so much pablum on TV that when a show actually does something different and good they should be applauded for it.