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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Punky Chip OI! 

Anyway we are laying on the bed watching MYTHBUSTERS and trying to see if they can make a crossbow out of paper when this commercial comes on. At first I cant believe what I am seeing, there is 4 claymation punk rockers dancing down a London street with a great big Chips Ahoy cookie singing "PUNKY CHIPS OI!" and then a cop comes up and says "You mean chunky chips ahoy".
((By the way when you go to the site it starts with the cookie yelling OI!))
All I could think was "Wow punk is finally as Passe' as it gets, how much worse does it get then mohawked and pierced guys dancing with food like a bunch of moshing California Raisins?
It reminded me of this cartoon I saw in a Playboy when I was really young, probably in the early 80s, it showed this punk rocker and this little business man was saying to him "Personally I think you are Passe' but if it makes you happy I will tell you I dont like it anyway."
That has stuck in my head for over 20 years now.

By the way the Internet/Phone guy came by and had to do some rewiring, seems the apartment people did a crappy job, I have never been able to use the phone jack in the front room and it ends up that the jack that the modem is on was never done right either. The guy was great and fixed everything for me, now I can use both jacks and my DSL works better then ever

OI!

Here is my Johari window so far with 20 replies
The FACADE are the SIX word I thought most described how I see myself
The ARENA shows which of my six words over lap with other peoples choices
The BLIND SPOT is how others see me but were not the 6 words I thought MOST described me.
The UNKNOWN are words that neither I nor anyone else chose.


Arena

(known to self and others)

accepting, caring, extroverted, giving, intelligent, loving

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, bold, brave, cheerful, clever, complex, confident, dependable, dignified, friendly, idealistic, independent, kind, knowledgeable, logical, mature, nervous, observant, organised, powerful, proud, reflective, responsive, searching, self-assertive, self-conscious, sensible, sentimental, shy, silly, spontaneous, tense, trustworthy, warm, wise, witty

Façade

(known only to self)

Unknown

(known to nobody)

adaptable, calm, energetic, happy, helpful, ingenious, introverted, modest, patient, quiet, relaxed, religious, sympathetic

Dominant Traits

65% of people agree that TrinaXXL is intelligent

All Percentages

able (5%) accepting (10%) adaptable (0%) bold (20%) brave (25%) calm (0%) caring (10%) cheerful (5%) clever (20%) complex (35%) confident (10%) dependable (5%) dignified (10%) energetic (0%) extroverted (15%) friendly (45%) giving (10%) happy (0%) helpful (0%) idealistic (5%) independent (5%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (65%) introverted (0%) kind (5%) knowledgeable (5%) logical (10%) loving (20%) mature (15%) modest (0%) nervous (5%) observant (25%) organised (5%) patient (0%) powerful (5%) proud (15%) quiet (0%) reflective (10%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (5%) searching (15%) self-assertive (5%) self-conscious (5%) sensible (10%) sentimental (10%) shy (5%) silly (10%) spontaneous (5%) sympathetic (0%) tense (5%) trustworthy (20%) warm (15%) wise (10%) witty (15%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 28.2.2006, using data from 20 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view TrinaXXL's full data.

Damn Internet TUESDAY 

Tuesday 9Am
Still no internet!!!!!!
I never realized what a junky I am, I usually get up and check my internet 5 or 6 times a night and last night I just got up, checked what was on TV, turned it off and rolled over and went back to sleep. I think part of it is the rainy weather and part of it was working out but I slept most of the night, and yes I know part of it was not being able to get on line.
*A* came over again this morning and he bought me breakfast, I feel pretty good this morning and did not finish all my breakfast. I am also learning how to drink my coffee with a lot less sweetener in it. I use to drink it so sweet and light it was more sugar and cream then coffee, now I put in two sugars and two creams or if they are flavored creams just two of those no sugar, I figure it is the little things that help and if I tried to drink black coffee I would just get pissed off and want to binge.
Someone needs to market $.25 half oz pieces of really good chocolate at the store, just enough for a tiny chocolate fix, not a whole candy bar and not a mini of one of those cheap ass candy bars but a nice plain piece of good chocolate. But that would make too much sense.

Tuesday 10AM
DAMN IT they are tormenting me.
My internet was up for about 4 minutes before it crashed again, I don’t know if it is fluke or if they are working on the line, I didn’t even have time to check my mail.
I really am pathetic.


12:30PM FINALLY got my internet back, lets hope it stays that way…

Damn Internet MONDAY 

4:19 Monday
Damn it I am sitting here for the last 10 minutes on hold while they try to figure out what is wrong with my damn internet, but I am so damn addicted to blogging that I am writing this in my word processor.
Now they just told me it may not be until sometime between 1 and 5 PM TUESDAY for heaven sake, now I realize what a web junky I am because I am starting to panic. I will probably just keep blogging on here until then to keep sane.
By the way I did end up babysitting Nadia today, she has been pretty good considering she is sick and I don’t have and food kids would like, I ended up feeding her a plate of crackers with a glob of peanut butter and jelly and gave her a butter knife to make little sandwiches out of, am I the worse babysitter or what?
Our Monday game has been canceled so I was thinking of going to Danielle’s tonight but I am so tired I can barely think.

9:00PM Monday
I had to run over an pick Marissa up to take her to a job interview and then head home to get Nadia’s stuff before getting Jeff, on the way we ran in to *A* and I told him I was free tonight and he was welcome to come over but that I might very well end up napping which was fine with him since he works the graveyard shift. He followed us back to my place and the entire way there Nadia kept saying “Is *A* behind us still?” she really likes him.
It is 9 and I still have no internet and wouldn’t you know this is the ONE time my mom has ever needed me to do anything for her on line and I can’t do it.
Mom has been working at a job she liked but with people who were really awful, these two women who work there think they rule the world and they bad mouth everyone and they have been attacking my mom behind her back even after she gave 80 hours of paid time off to one of them so they could get an operation. It seems like every time we talk she is telling me how truly awful these people are, how they set out to ruin people in their job, my god they are Nurses aids, they are mad because my mom does a form of physical therapy work they think they should be doing instead and some management work.
Well my mom finally found a new job. GOOD FOR HER. But she needs to go on line for something and for the first time since I moved in Oct. I can’t help her. SIGH.
I am just glad she is changing jobs, she has been so depressed lately and every time she describes her symptoms I have to try not to say “Now you know what I have gone through for the last 20 plus years.”
I have told her to be damn sure that when she quits she tells her boss EXACTLY why she is quitting and just how bad these women are. Mom is nicer then I am and I am one of the nicest people I know but I would have slashed their tires by now. Or paid someone to do it, I know people who would do it for a case of cheap beer….LOL
OK I probably wouldn’t.

Trip to the Y 

I thought about going at 6 this morning when I was awake but I wasn’t sure if Jeff would need me to baby-sit or not and it was too early to call him so I waited and ended up taking a nap anyway. I got a hold of him and told him I would watch her for Marissa later after I had a chance to go to the Y.
I went around 9:30 and had the hardest time finding a parking spot so I did not get in until about 10 am. I had worn my new black bathing suit under a pair of white swim shorts and wore that under a t-shirt and skirt. I had never taken a tour of the place so I did not know that the dressing rooms and the pool were on different floors so I just ended up taking off my outer clothes at the pool. At first I was really self conscious but then I heard someone calling my name, my aunt Kathy was there.
I have not seen her in at least a year since my Grandmother McNeil’s funeral so it was nice to see her. She was telling me that she has arthritis also and that it really runs in my Dad’s side of the family, the sad thing and scary thing is she also has a bunch of other things like hypertension, fibermyalgia and diabetes, none of which I have any sign of thankfully. She told me that she had lost 70 pounds since she had started going to the Y a few years earlier which gave me some confidence.
I was just going to walk in the water for a while but I ended up joining her aquatics class which was too high impact for me so I just pretty much walked in place and did a little jogging while doing the hand movements for about 30 minutes which is a lot longer then I ever thought I could even try to do to start with. Then I got in the hot tub and soaked for another 20 minutes while stretching, I actually feel great we will have to see how I feel later.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Brought you by the letter D . . . 

OH my I think I am in love....... With a menthol patch!!!!!
Ok maybe not in LOVE but you know I have been in hell pain wise and anything that lets me get a mostly full night sleep and lets me wake up not in misery is something I am willing to adore. I have never tried them before because they cost so much but I found them at the dollar store and decided to give them a try. I didn't really think they would do much because just putting menthol on my knees has never really done all that much for me, maybe because of my size but I put one on each knee and left them on for about 5 hours including while I took a short nap and I started to feel the difference after the first 30 mins.
I plan to spend about $20 and invest in them since you know how dollar stores are you have to get what you want when you want or you will not get it at all.
I was going to buy a new $30 double sword but I asked Elton if I could put it on layaway and pay half this month and half later and he said cool. You know you are getting old when you have to choose between your toys and your menthol patches.
I was feeling pretty good yesterday night if a bit sleepy just because I have not been getting to sleep as well as I should lately so I went and picked up Dani and we went to Industria. She works on Mondays early and gets up at like 5 am so we had to leave early but it was alright with me. At first I had intended to drop her off and go back but I ended up wimping out. Poor *T* I swear we are never going to hook up again...LOL.
We got there around 9pm and it was still dead but we sat there and talked and I introduced her around and she met my friend Jared...LOL boy did he like her! He spent most of the 2 hours we were there hitting on her, and me for that matter, and he told me, and her for that matter, how hot he thought she was. Speaking of flattery I got quite at least 3 or 4 people telling me I looked beautiful and that I looked wonderful, I was not wearing make-up and was wearing one of my simple black dresses with my full length scarlet satin robe over it. I honestly believe it is because I was feeling so good about not being in so much pain and yet not being drugged up. It makes a huge difference on how you look if you are grinning and feel better.
Jared said since it was almost Mardi Gras if I showed him my nipples he would buy me a drink so I showed him both of them, with boobs like mine that means he looked down my dress, I don't take the girls out, it is too hard to get them out and back in....LOL. Not that it is a big deal he has seen them before. He tried to get Dani to do it too but she was shy, but he bought her a drink anyway since her birthday is the 6th of March and because he is an honestly nice guy.
Anyway we left about the time everyone was showing up and went home and I was asleep by midnight which in my case was great since I desperately needed the sleep, infact I am probably going back to bed just in case I need to babysit in a few hours.
Anyway I had a great time with Dani and we plan to hang out this week sometime... Hi D!!!...LOL

Listening to: The black Eyed Peas

Sunday, February 26, 2006

YMCA (Cue the Village People) 

Well I now officially belong to the YMCA of Boise!
I think of all the times I have joined different health spas, all the times my mom and grandma have paid my way into them and all the times I did not go to them and I want to smack myself. How could I let myself get like this?
I don't even mean fat, I think you can be fat and beautiful and fat and fit even, I mean SO fat and SO out of shape. I looked at a picture of me 10 years ago and I was maybe 75 pounds smaller then I am now, but I was still HUGE, I have been huge for decades now.
My grandma use to say, "Loose the weight now while your skin is still elastic." She no longer says that, now she says "You need to loose the weight now honey while you can still walk."
She is not even nagging, she is just telling the truth.
I have to do something, last year this time I was walking all over town, this year I can barely walk all over a store, if I don't do anything I will be lucky if I am walking at all come Mardi Gras next year.
I probably never should have moved into an upstairs apartment, I honestly believed it was going to be good for me to walk up and down stairs all those times, ends up it probably took 5 or 10 years off of my knees, but I am trying to learn that what is past is past.
I tend to live in a world of I WISH and IF ONLY and WHAT IF... My councilor says it is part of the Borderline Personality Disorder, that part of it is a difficulty accepting reality, which why you can create overly strong bonds with people, you don't see them or the relationship as it is you see it as you want.
Well in my case I am haunted by things like:
I wish I could go back and trade bodies with my 20 yr old self for one day and show myself back then how bad it will be if I don't do something about it.
I wish I could have gone back to when they first started making Welbutron and Abilify and started taking it then.
If Only I had never gained so much weight, If only I had not met So and SO and done Such and Such.
What if I had kept working out all those years ago and lost weight?

But I HAVE to live THIS life, and I have to give up the I wish, the what if and the if only, I have to deal with the hear and now. I have had a diagnois of Arthritis since July and yet it is not till the last few days of Febuary that I join the Y?
WHAT THEY FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
Why do I do this stuff to me.
I have only lost 14 pounds since July and I did not try to do that I just YO-YO a bit.
WHY HAVEN'T I TRIED HARDER?
Yes I am being hard on myself but maybe it is time I am.

I first thought I might go swimming today but then I realized it is Sunday and the Y is packed with families and kids and I just could not do it, well what am I going to do come summer then? I need to get my act together, and ignore anyone who might stare at me and just do it, one way or another, even if it is just to go soak in the hot tub and do stretching exercises, I am going to the Y tomorrow. And I AM taking at least one or two classes this week.
Brandy Takes pregancy Aquatics and I asked if I could join her and they said no problem it is just a slower class which is great for me. I am also going to check out the arthritis aquatics and the senior on as well as the deep water, no impact one.
I have to be serious, I have to do this, I am too damn fat for a wheel chair and heaven knows it would kill my social life.

OOOPPS 

Well I woke up this morning sick and went over to my mom's to get something for my upset tummy and forgot I was suppose to go get Jeff and take him to work.... OOOOPPPPPSSSS. Talk about a booboo.
Mom and I went to breakfast which was a bit of a mistake because my tummy is still very upset, I think it maybe from the Mexican food we had last night. After that we went to Wal-Mart and my mom bought me a few things, I asked if she could buy me a small thing of dishwasher tabs,I was thinking a 16 or 20 pack and she saw a can of 55 of them and asked me how long they would last me. I told her "Well about two years mom I live mostly alone and run the dishwasher only every two weeks or so." She said it sounded like a good deal, she also buys me a years worth of toilet paper and garbage bags at Costco all at once, I won't let her get too much else because I just don't have the space and even though it may not seem like it I don't like taking advantage of her.
We stopped by the dollar store and I bought some dish towels and crayons and watercolor pencils for Nadia to use when she is here which is good since I am babysitting her today. I am waiting for her grandmother to call me soon to get directions to my house. I guess I will print off a bunch of coloring pages from www.free-coloring-pages.com to keep her busy.

NOTE: Ends up Nadia has whatever Marissa has so she is staying home, which is a good thing cause auntie T'Rina has been napping all day.

Simple project with Dollar store Mirror 


This is a simple project I did using a dollar store mirror, hot press board (a very dense cardboard) white glue and tole paint. Total cost probably $5 (Press board costs a bit more). Scissors and an x-acto knife or in my case a small very sharp paring knife.
I bought a 22 by 10 inch mirror at the Local Everything $1 (in fact I bought 6) and I had a 30 by 24 inch reminant of press board from an art class but if you want you can get it from any arts and craft store or try substituting foamcore which might be cheaper.
I laid the mirror on the cardboard and defined the outside edge then took two inches off the inside to accommodate the one inch frame on the mirror. This was my base template.
I then began to freehand draw the curlicue designs going in different directions, the nice thing about painting this is you can draw and redraw your pattern until it is the way you like it and adjust it as you cut it out.
After I had it cut out I smoothed the edges down, you can do this with soft sandpaper but I found that for hardpress at least my hand worked just as well and the glue would help smooth out the edges.
I then took white Elmer's style school glue (Wal-mart sells this 4oz for $.25 and it works fine) and drizzled it all over the top side of the cardboard and then opened my stove and turned it on to 250* and laid the cardboard on the door to speed drying (DO NOT do this with foam core!!!) after it had dried most of the way I drizzled more on to give it a textured effect and let it dry all the way, about an hour.
I then got out my copper and bronze metallic tole paint (this is the simple acrylic paint you find in bottles at places like wal-mart and craft stores for under a dollar and it is great, I used it in art school to stretch out my more expensive paints and never had a problem)
I first covered the entire thing in copper being sure to get all the crevices and the sides of the board then when it was dry (about 10 minutes) I lightly brushed the bronze color on just the tops of the texture and let it all dry for 20 minutes.
After it was totally dry I turned it upside down and put the same white school glue on the frame of the mirror and placed it on the back of the cardboard, weighing it down with a few books and leaving it alone for about half an hour.

The switch plate is painted with the same metallic tole paint which seems to cover the plastic better then any other paint I have used yet, it is right up there with glass painting enamel but cheaper and much prettier looking, the design is traced out in glow in the dark puffy paint, total cost if you buy the switch plate from Wal-mart for $.26 is about $.50.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Wat is wit u r u dum 

That was actually a really hard sentence for me to type out, I had to stop myself from writing it correctly all the way through and yet I get about a hundred messages a month on MySpace alone from people who write like that and think it will impress me enough to get me to write back to them.
I am not trying to be a bitch, honestly I am not, but the fact is in the last 90 days I have had over 200 messages sent to my MySpace account mostly from guys, and most of them asking me to write back to them. I try to write back to a lot of them, simple notes saying thanks for writing, telling them I don't really uses my yahoo for instant messaging at all and occasionally telling them that no I am not looking for a one night stand with anyone much less someone who lives thousands of miles away.
I do not claim to be the best writer in the world, just a decent one and I have taught children basic writing skills and it bothers me when grown ups waste me time writing to me with less skill then the average 7 year old and act like they think it is cool. (I am not talking about the truly illiterate you can tell the difference between someone writing a mixture of 'net and street and someone who can not write.)
So is it any surprise that I am just not motivated to answer messages whose sum totals read like these:
Wats up wit u babe i wanna get wit u.
I dig thick chicks message me (this one then sent a message DEMANDING I respond 5 hours later)
u hot babe, give me u yahoo im.

And on and on like this, some of them are short and some of them are long and all of them are not inpressive at all and none of them inspire me to take even a minute to write to the other person. Yes I know some people talk like that but if you got out of 4th grade and I am guessing you did if you are an adult who knows enough of the language to get on myspace in the first place then you have learned the following words:
I
you
are
you are
your
simple words and to me they show that you care enough to show me you are not a fool, have more then a second grade education and think that I do as well.

Then there are the mashers. These are the guys who send me letters from the start that are sexually explicit, yes some of my pics are sexy, yes my tits are big, no none of my pics show those tits naked nor will they ever. And even if they did I would not want complete strangers writing to me and telling me what they want to do to and with me. Sometimes those ones do get an answer, me telling them they don't stand a chance and that no woman is impressed by that kind of crap.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant.

Mardi gras and the Hard time of year 

Let me tell you about Mardi Gras last year, Febuary 8th 2005.
Brandy and I started drinking early, we went downtown to the Reef, an upstairs bar and climbed the stairs at least 3 or 4 times, then we walked all over the 6th and main area for a couple hours, hitting different bars, flirting with people and we walked to Mulligans on 11th and Main at least twice, all together we walked probably 2 miles and stood all night and I dance for probably 30 minutes. I kissed guys I did not know and got beads and all the time in freezing temps without a coat from 7:30 Pm to 3:30 Am and all that hurt afterwards was my feet and my neck from carrying all the beads.
It was probably one of the best holidays I have ever had bar none, I was able to forget my emotional pain and I don't remember having any serious physical pain.

Let me tall you about Mardi Gras This Year... Febuary 28th 2006.
Brandy is pregnant and I am pretty much crippled.
Trying to walk up the steps at Jeff's just about makes me cry much less thinking of climbing the Reef's stairs, which are twice as high, 3 or 4 times. Walking a couple blocks hurts, walking around Wal-mart is hell, walking all over downtown would have me in tears. Standing for 8 or 9 hours would not be possible and if I did it would have me in bed for a week drugged to oblivion.

All is not worthless. I was madly and hopelessly in love last year, broken hearted and in emotional pain, now I am not, I sometimes see him and wonder what the hell I had been thinking. I have a regular gentleman friend who is loving and caring and who gives me serious attention. I have more friends then I have ever had in my life who are decent people. I have a much better computer and my family is safe and sound as are my pets and friends.

I just can't help comparing the difference a year has made, less then a year actually, and I am terrified to imagine what condition I may be in next year, I am determined to get serious because the only other option is not worth thinking of.

Listening to : Tori Amos

Friday, February 24, 2006

Am I the only person who sings to their pets? 


My girl cat (who has a miracle ability to look away from the camera at the very last second) loves to nuzzle my feet and she has a cold wet nose so I don't really enjoy the attention as much as I might.
This morning I found myself singing to her, "They are MY feet not Princess' feet, no not Princess' feet, you can't have them, no you can't."
Am I the only one who is this weird?
Princess, The flame point Hymilain and Nepo the ragdoll Siamese are brother and sister but they could not be more different. Nepo complains about everything, Princess would starve to death before she would let me know her bowl was empty. Nepo meows loudly just to hear himself and you can barely hear Princess the few times she does meow. Nepo is thin as a rail and Princess is a fatty like her human mommy, soft and plush.

how do you see me? 

Go to http://kevan.org/johari?name=TrinaXXL and pick 6 of the words posted that remind you of me to help me see how people preceive me and how I preceive myself.
It is really quick and easy.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Booze bummer 

SIGH
I am taking a medicine to try to control my appetite called Topamax, the major side effect of it is that it makes everything carbonated taste like metal in your mouth. Ever touch a battery to your tonuge when you were a kid, or touch aluminum to a metal filling and you get that metal taste in your mouth? Well that is it.
At first I thought it was just sodas, then I realized it was beers and tonight after *A* came over and we went to the store I forgot and bought a 6 pack of Hornsby's Hard Cider Crisp Apple because of my flare up. Man that is my favorite kind of thing to drink and now it tastes AWFUL!!!!
Mind you I have forced one down to help with the pain but the rest are going in the back of the fridge for pain emergencies, we will see if it helps at all or makes it worse.
Well I guess if I decide to give something up for lent (no I am not catholic) carbonated beverages is at the top of the list.

Awake at 6 am again and why I blog 

I am sure there are lots of people out there like Jeff and Dani who look at that and think "Quit ye bitchin'." and they would be right for the most part. I realize that hundreds of millions of people are getting up now and many more are already working or just going to bed, I respect that.
My problem with getting up at 6 am is the fact that I went to bed at 3 am because even with a tranquilizer (and if I ever needed one I needed it last night) I could not sleep. Lately I never seem to stay asleep more then a few hours at a time, maybe 4. Not to mention the fact it is hours yet before I am scheduled to do anything.
If you ever wonder why I blog so much there are a few reasons:
1# I use my blog like therapy, better out then in so to speak, I let myself dig into my feelings as honestly as possible in this forum and if it helps anyone else that is great but it sure helps me.
2# I blog when I am bored, so obviously I blog a lot at night, I hate being bored, I figure you might as well DO something to fill the time and I have so much to do, blog, read, craft, even watch TV, download music but there are times I just feel like writing.
3# I am a writer by nature and training, I went to college to learn to write well and I hope it shows at least a little in my blog. I often click on random blogs on different blog groups and I am shocked at how badly so many people write, how few people it seems can finish a complete sentence or spell the most simple words, I don't know if it is affected or if they really don't realize they are showing how little they know to the world and just don't care. Luckily all the blogs I Subscribe to are not like that and are all interesting and well written.
4# This really is my diary. I often go back and look at certain times in the last 3 or 4 years of blogging and see not just what was happening but what I felt. I realized recently that I don't regret the things I wrote about what was going on in my life at the time, I regret when I did NOT write about the stuff going on in my life, leaving gaps.

So here is the question why do you THE READERS blog?


Listening to the Smallville soundtrack ((I am trying to find new artists I have not heard of to download))

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

What a horrible day 

First I either slept through or mis-set the alarm clock and slept through my appointment with my councilor and I had papers I needed signed and things I needed to talk to her about so I had to call and reschedule for next week.
I woke up hurting worse then usual,, rest doesn't seem to be helping and I don't seem to be able to stay asleep for any length of time, I am scared to death I have gotten to the point where I may never go back to just being a bit in pain all the time and it may be the horrible make you sick to your stomach, wish you could crawl, kind of pain from now on.
The only really good thing that happened today is getting together with my grandma and having a bowl of soup and coffee and then going to apply at the Y for assistance for a membership, hopefully I can get one for around $15 a month which is about all I can afford. I will know in 3 to 5 days if they will do it. If not I don't know what I am going to do I am getting desperate. I don't seem to be able to control my appetite or my cravings, maybe exercising will help with that. Something has to.
Debbie, Nadia's grandmother, can't pick her up from school this week so I have been doing it. I really need to put some space between myself and everyone I know because I feel a hermit mood coming on and when it does that I tend to get grumpy and snappy but I have all these commitments to family and friends.
I made a big mistake today.
Jeff has been saying forever that when he got his taxes we would go to Cafe Ole and get Margaritas and we talked about doing it today and I made the mistake of mentioning to Nadia. We went to pick Jeff up from work and he had to work an extra hour so we ended up hanging around from 3:30 to 5pm. When he got off he was in a foul mood and just wanted to go home and play video games, I should have just let him but I was feeling kind of manic and just wanted to get my own way. Brandy and Marissa where at there house and we all sort of ganged up on him to go and he was in a FOUL mood which put Mar in a foul mood which meant that they had to debate it for about an extra hour so by the time we finally decided to go it was 6:30 and the dinner rush was on.
We get there (to the one by the mall, everyone wanted to go to the one downtown but I can never find parking nearby and can't handle the steps as bad as my legs are today, so everyone was already a bit pissy about that) So it was not a big surprise that when we got there it was a 25 minute wait and I went off and stormed out to the car and rant about being hungry and mad and in pain.
So dramatic.
So traumatic.
So stupid.
All I did was scare Nadia, freak everyone out and hurt my legs worse and make myself feel like a horrible monster.
I should have said lets just go to the toy store like Jeff and Nadia wanted and then go home since Jeff obviously did not want to spend any more money but I was shaking with hunger and probably with a little anger that it seemed that everyone else could get angry without people freaking out except for me. So we went to Toys R Us for "Just a Few Minutes."
I was going to wait in the car but I made the mistake of going to the pet store next door with Brandy, just walking there made me feel as if I was going to pass out from the pain, not to mention I was still hungry, it is pretty sad when doggy cookies start looking yummy.
I left and went to check Toys R Us and found them looking at toys with no sign of stopping so I grabbed a candybar and went out to the car.
Then all hell broke loose.
I don't know what set me off.
Maybe it was the fact that I am hurting so bad.
Maybe it is the fact that I am worried about my weight but I am sitting in my car eating a Twix bar.
Maybe it was the fact that I felt like I had pissed off everyone and scared Nadia.
Maybe it was the fact that I was sitting alone in my car, in the dark, in the cold, in Febuary.
I know for a fact it was a bit of all of those but it was a lot of the fact that I know it will all happen again and again, this will not be the last time I am left sitting in my car, unable to keep up, unable to do something, just plain unable.
Marissa had talked about going to Newport Or. and I volunteered to drive but a few things struck me, I use to go on trips like that and drive all day and part of the night without problem. I use to go hiking around towns and beaches. Now I can't do any of those, I could still make it to Newport with someone else helping to drive but I would not be able to do much once I got there so what would the point be of going. It isn't just Newport either, it is lots of things I realize I will never be able to do if I don't loose massive amounts of weight and get both knees replaced.
I need to just hole up in my house and not be social for a while but I have commitments this week. I am going to try to space some of them to give myself and those people in my life a care about some space before I destroy those friendships by being nuts.
Tomorrow all I am doing is picking up Nadia and dropping her off and coming home, if *A* wants to come visit on his day off that is fine, we tend to get along fine and he doesn't mind if I hole up on the computer or with my crafts for a few hours of self time.
I just need to pull myself together, I can not fall apart now, I have to get my life in order and take care of myself and part of that is realizing when I am acting nutty or grumpy or when I am letting the pain make me bitchy enough to risk my friendships.
Thank god for my blog, it lets me vent in a way I can't anywhere else.

Scary teakettle moment 

Actually more like a couple of hours. It seems I forgot I filled my kettle with water and put it on high and then walked away. After a while I smelled something, not burning but kind of like ozone so I went to check out the kitchen.
Not only did I boil the pot dry but I melted off all the plastic bits. I am just lucky I had it on my smallest burner and none of the bits and pieces fell on the burner or I might have started a fire. The kettle is totally ruined.
So obviously I need to get another one and I have to buy one with an Attached whistle (I lost the cap whistle to this one the first month I had it) I am just so forgetful sometimes, though I have to admit it has been a while since I have done anything this ditzy.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Being nice ( a polite rant on manners) 

You know when I was a lot younger, in my 20's I thought being a bitch was cool, I admired Barbara Stanwyck, the old 30s noir diva who was always bitchy and in control, I thought that is what it takes to be in control. Back then I was really taken advantage of by some pretty unscrupulous people on a regular basis (try daily) because I was too nice and did not stand up for myself and because I was so desperate for friends who I did not think I deserved that I would put up with just about anyone if they pretended to be nice to me. Hell I put up with people who barely pretended because I did not know how to let go of them and I did not have the strength to cut them out of my life without a big trauma.
These days I accept and embrace my inner sweetie-pie, my inner good girl. I am not mean, it is not in me, but that does not mean I need to be taken for granted, or allow myself to be used, I am capable of saying no.
Manners are on the decline these days and I am not just talking about people not knowing what fork and knife to use (always eat from the outside in) or how to address a letter to the President ( I have no idea). I am talking about being decent to each other, taking a moment out of our lives and being nice when the instinct might be to bitch, to smile and say thanks for simple things.
Here are a few instances where this has come up in my life recently:
Today I was pulling into the bank parking lot and this couple with a kid were walking out right across the spot I was pulling into, for some reason it seemed to take them forever to get a move on. I could have sat there and frowned at them and made all of us grumpy, instead I waved at them and grinned and she waved at me and kept on walking. She wasn't going to walk any faster or any slower with me being a bitch and laughing about it just makes me feel better at least.
Sunday we stopped at Burger King and the woman was SOOOOOO rude and then she did not give us our pop, I went back and they were telling me to bitch at her, I just told them that that is not ME, so instead I did the opposite, I did a totally exaggerated nice guy act..HI we were just here and we didn't get our pop do you think we could THANKS... All chipper and smiley, man did that piss the woman off. She practically threw the pop at us. We will NOT be going back there again.
Then today we stopped by Taco Bell and they gave us a wrong item so I drove up to the drive thru and Mar said "Do your goofy thing." I said "Hi I was just here I am the one in the leopard coat, we were suppose to get __ and didn't do you think we could get that? THANKS!"
Anyway we pulled up to the lobby and they replaced the item and gave us a dessert without being asked and I told them how nice they were and they seemed shocked that I was not mad. We WILL be going there again.
Lets see... OH yeah pet peeves where manners are concerned:
If someone lets you into traffic, especially if they do it very much on purpose, such as they stop or really slow down for you, give them a little wave. It takes a second of your time and makes everyone feel better. I don't know about you but I feel gypted when I don't get my wave.
Waitresses... Be NICE to them if they are nice to you, they are people too and they get paid crap. Say hello, thank them for things, smile at them and when you are done with your meal TIP them. Tipping is NOT hard, people act like it is college math or something. 15% is $1 for every $7.... 20% is $1 for every $5 simple. The only time it is not ok to tip is if the service was HORRIBLE and the waitress was out and out rude.
cashiers, similar to waitresses, say hello, smile at them, if you have a huge order engage in a little small talk, it won't kill you, if you are busy still take a second to thank them. Yes I know they are paid to do their job but so are you and I bet you like to be told tanks once in a while.
I am totally ranting I guess and not making too much sense so here is what it comes down to. . .

BE NICE IT WON'T KILL YOU.

IT TAKES MORE MUSCLES TO FROWN THEN TO SMILE.

FEELING GOOD IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD WORK AT, IT IS WORTH IT.

YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD? WELL SO DO OTHER PEOPLE, RESPECT THEM.

OK rant done, I won't even go into how I feel about rudeness on the internet tonight.

Listening to: California Babylon (Transplants )

More of Monday 

Before I dropped mom back at her house I called Marissa to see if she would like to bring Nadia over to watch cartoons so that Mar could check her e-mail and catch up on her myspace stuff since she doesn't have a computer at the time. Nadia had the day off again (She had Friday off as well for teachers in service) and I thought Mar could use a bit of a break.
She asked me if I had ever found my digital camera and did I have it working on this new computer? The funny thing is I just found all the part to it last week so I told her yes and suggested that since it would take me a while to take mom to Something Wicked and then home she should get dressed up and I would come over and get them and we could take some pictures of her for her MySpace account since she had not had any new ones in a long time.
She looked amazing with a great Louise Brooks hairdo I envy so bad, my hair is just not thick enough to do that kind of do and I don't look good in black hair. I wish she could see herself as as beautiful as Jeff and I do, I honestly envy the way she looks, I haven't had skin that nice since I was 16.
The pictures came out great and I showed her how to adjust them in photoshop, right now I am running Photoshop4 which is the only one of them I can find at the moment, I have 7 but can not find my discs for it. PS4 is fine for simple picture sizing and adjusting but it does not like XP and likes to lock up.
We went and picked up Jeff from his work and then went back to their house to get ready for the game after stopping at McDs for a sandwich (cause you know I just NEEDED to have a deep friend chicken like paddy and a cookie...SIGH) I made 24 cups of coffee, Jeff buys the darkest roast you can imagine and I have to mix it with a lighter one to keep from burning my gut out and even so it is dark and oily when it is made.
Nadia's grandmother was hoping I could drive Nadia to her house but I told Jeff I really had to avoid going up and down his steps as much as possible so she came and got her which is just as well since all the other gamers showed up early. We all sat around bullshitting and goofing off until 8:30 when we finally got down to it and got some gaming done, we spent a little more time then usual goofing off tonight but we did have two battles. It is so interesting to see the change in Marissa now that she is playing a vampire slayer in our other game, she has gone from staying in the background to rushing through every door first.
Anyway my percoset is finally kicking in and I am going to bed, maybe a good night sleep will help and either tomorrow or Wednesday I will go join the Y.


Listening to: In Joy and Sorrow (H.I.M)

Monday with Mom 

My mom, Nancy, is one of the coolest people I know, but then so is her mother, Jane. The two of them are my anchor in this world and both of them treat me so well I can never repay them.
Mom and I have a weekly date for Mondays, I pick her up from her place and we go somewhere for lunch or breakfast and then we either go shopping or she comes over to my house and helps me clean up, we choose a room and tidy it up. Because of the arthritis things like vacuuming are kind of hard to do and I am horrible at getting motivated to do things like hang up clothes or put dishes away, but while she is there I get stuff done along side her. My mom is this little bitty thing, 5'2 and about 125 maybe soaking wet and she is a speed demon when it comes to cleaning house, we couldn't be more different that way if we tried.
When I was young, a kid and a teen, we FOUGHT. Not little squabbles but screaming matches, it wasn't until I had moved out for a few years that we became friends and now I would not give up her friendship for anything.
I have a lot of friends who have horrible, even abusive relationships with their parents and I feel so bad for them, even as adults they can't feel close to their folks. Things were hard growing up, my mom and my dad both made some choices that reflected really badly on my brother and me when we were kids and made our lives difficult for a while but they never did anything intentionally to hurt us and that is the important thing.
I told mom about the little stuffed toy demons I have been making for friends and when we went to Wal-mart she bought me 3 half yard pieces of the plush material in neon pink, green and orange to make more of them, they are dorky but cute in their own way. She also bought me a microwave rice cooker, I will have to try it out and see if it actually works, she says she loves hers and that it will help me eat healthier.
Mom then came over to my place and we finished unpacking my kitchen and putting away groceries and dishes and washing counters. I told her not the worry about the floors, that we would do them next time just so we would have something to do, she swears she LIKES coming to my house and visiting me while she helps me clean. There is just no accounting for taste...LOL.
I took mom by Something Wicked (the little Goth shop run by my friends) and she thought she reconized my friend Analisa who also thought she reconized my mom but neither of them knew where from. Boise maybe a decent sized city these days but it is still a small town.
Next time I will get mom to help me organize my bedroom, I want to put up a set of lights and some artwork and I don't dare go climbing around on top of chairs, it is hard enough to get up but getting back down is hell.

Listening to: Siouxsie & the Banshees Shadowtime

Monday, February 20, 2006

Hurting 

Oh my god I hurt.
I hurt all the time to one extent or another because of the arthritis but this is something different, it reminds me of some of the worst of it during the summer. There was a point where I was getting in the van after gaming tonight and I thought I was going to throw up or pass out for a second from the pain. I think part of the problem is lack of sleep as well as going up and down Jeff and Marissa's very steep stairs a lot this week, I mean I moved apartments because I could not handle it and I have been over there a lot this week sometimes going up and down those steps from hell 2 or 3 times a day.
I got desperate enough to take my last Percoset tonight and I realize I can not put off weighing any longer, I WILL weigh this week and I WILL be joining the YMCA so I can take aquatic classes with my friend Brandy. I can get a discount for making so little money and for having a disability like arthritis, grandma has offered to help pay for the fees.
I have been skating by, surviving the pain just enough to let my need to diet and exercise go. I have let myself go, I ate so much chocolate this last week it is a miracle I am not sicker then I feel already. I have been going out to eat way too much which is not so bad but I have not been making good choices when I do, if I would eat healthier I would be a lot better off eating in restaurants. Like today mom took me to this 50's place and I had fried fish and onion rings with an extra side of fried zucchini, I could have had a chicken sandwich, even a roast beef sandwich or a fancy salad would have been better. I simply have to get serious because I have to realize it is not just pain that will get worse but the actual joint will fall apart and stop working if I don't do something and I will end up in a wheelchair for life.

They say the Devil loves a duck . . . 

Sunday I planed to go do laundry with Marissa in the afternoon and had to give Jeff a ride to work at 8:30 am. I had asked him for $5 for gas for running him around this last week, (I almost never ask, it is really hard for me to do so but gas is getting costly this month with the cold weather) and he gave me $10 which made me feel good. I drive people around because I want to, I like being helpful, I figure you have to live the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be, but it is still nice to know that someone appreciates it and understands it cost money.
I went over to grandma's to take her the little angel I had found her to give to my grand cousin to take on a trip with him as a lucky charm and we went to breakfast and bought her a CD/DVD lens cleaner.
I went back home and tried to sleep but it wasn't too successful at it so I started playing with the computer which I had been doing off and on all night. Dani was bored too since she posted a blog that ended ""I'm gonna spend the day reading my book perhaps...if anyone wants to hang (trina?) let me know.""
I responded. . . ""Want to come do laundry with us later this afternoon? I need to catch a nap, I got up early to take jeffy to work and have brekky with with grandma (Golden Coral YUMMY) but I could come get you around one and we could go have coffee then get Marissa and you can visit with us during the exciting weekly ritual of laundry... it is not to be missed!""
So I emailed her my phone number and we got a hold of each other so after trying to sleep for about 40 mins I went to pick her up, we went to this little Chinese pick up joint that I had a coupon for, they have seating but next to no decor, their specialty is take out and they give you huge portions for really cheap so for 8:50 we both had more food then we could eat.
We finally went and got Mar at her place and her TONS of laundry, I am one person who wears BIG clothes and I only have one small jersey pillow case of laundry every week full of stuff and the two and 1/4 of them (most of Nadia's laundry goes to her grandma's) have BINS and BAGS of stuff.
Did you know that laundry soap can freeze?
And it looks like really nasty pudding when it does?
I found this out since I had left my bottle of detergent in the back of the van for a long time and had bought dryer sheets and liquid fabric softener at the dollar store that day, when you wear mostly velvet and long skirts and have two long hair shedding machines in the house you use a lot of softener.
We have been trying out different laundrettes each week and tried one near Jeff's work, location wise it is perfect but it costs way too much and has no decent seating and is really ugly, I think we are just going to have to use the one closest to their house and Jeff is just going to have to wait til we are done to get picked up.
The entire time we were there there were these three young boys there alone pounding on the machines, yelling, making noise, running around and being pains, their dad had left them there to do the laundry while he took off. Dani, Mar and I were playing first rummy then Gloom and the entire time these boys were staring at us. Finally some lady asked us if they were our kids and i told her hell no, no kid of ours would ever get away with behaving like that. The kids got all offended and finally their dad came and got them and I said better watch it Chester the Molester might get you.
We all went over to Jeff's work and had a drink while he finished up in the kitchen and then went to their house to play Vampire Slayer, dani is joining us. I made dinner with Pork tenderloin, baked potatoes and garlic mushrooms (which sadly just did not taste as good as I had hoped). Jeff had thought that Nadia's grandmother would have the next day off and was planning to go out when she called to remind him she would be bringing Nadia over at 5Am, so much for a late night out. We finally decided to go out until 11PM since both Jeff and Dani had to get up early and I was so tired I was getting sick with it.
I had been planning to meet *T* there at 11:30 and we were going to play pool then go to my house, I felt bad bailing on him since we have not been able to get together for about a month now with me going home early and him having car troubles. You know I am tired if I give up playing with one of my gentlemanfriends.
Anyway I was in bed by 11:30 and even though I was up and down all night I got a lot of sleep and feel worlds better.
Lately I have been having a hard time sleeping without noise, my apartment makes so many creaking and settling noises in this cold that it drives me nuts so I play music very quietly in the other room, only problem is it runs out. I have an MP3 CD player so I am going to burn a bunch of my soundtracks onto one cd and just play it all night long.

Listenign to : KT Tunstall
Oh well off to visit with Mom.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Can't sleep 

Well I CAN sleep, I just can't stay asleep. I keep waking up to all the little noises that don't usually bug me, I think it is the caffeine. I keep coming in the computer room and putting on my LAUNCHCAST STATION and then listen to it while I fall asleep but eventually it goes ideal. Then I wake up again and do it all over again, I have got to get down to it and set up an MP3 file of mellow songs I like, gothy and stuff, that I can just put on random play for 6 hours.
Oh well time to hit up everyone's CD collections again.
Going to try to get back to sleep.

Listening to: Gone with the Sin (H.I.M.) on my Launchcast station

Saturday, February 18, 2006

A busy Saturday , (Not to mention Friday evening) 

Last night (Friday) I picked Jeff up from work and took him to cash his check then he, Nadia and Marrisa and I went shopping. Mar and Nadia and I dropped Jeff off at Hobby Town to buy more role playing books while the three of us went to the fabric store across the street. I should have remembered it was so close to Easter before I took a 6 yr old girl into Jo-Ann's, everywhere we turned it was one small shiny toy after another, and all I heard was I want I want I want, when we were in the material I heard how every other piece of material would make the perfect dress for her and how I could sew it. Finally we went to the craft section and I almost lost my mind so I rushed her out of there after buying her a silk Valentine rose. I may grump at her sometimes and I may be gruff and correct her a bit more then I should but I also spoil the hell out of her.
When we went to pick her dad up at the hobby shop it was more of the same, I want I want I want. We had to stop at Target to get her tights and cortazone cream for a rash on her hands and it was getting past her bedtime and we still had to get her to her grandmother's.
I am a big fan of bribery and Nadia loved slushies so I told her ahead of time that her dad was only going to buy two things, nothing more and that we were in a hurry and if she would sit in the store cafe and talk with me we could split a slushie. I was honestly surprised how fast she agreed to it, she usually argues to go all over the store with her dad. We had fun splitting a medium white cherry slushie and a small bag of Cheetos, though I did hear maybe 20 times how good a pretzel would taste. I was so impressed with her I bought her a pair of bunny ears from the dollar bins in the front of the Target store, and I wonder why she always tells me what she wants.
After we dropped her and her roses and her ears and her bags of toys off at her grandmother's house Jeff and Mar and I went to this little bitty Chinese place down the street and split a bunch of food, a Dragon roll (California roll with eel on top) , General Tso's chicken and Triple Delight as well as spring rolls and wantons. My share came to $14, I seriously have spent way too much money this month on stuff like knives and craft supplies, I figure I have spent nearly $50 on craft stuff this month alone.
I went home around 11 and found *A* sleeping in my bed, I had told him I might be late coming back but that he could feel free to come in and watch TV and spend the night, only problem is I was wired on caffeine from having to get up early I could not sleep so I kept getting up and working on the computer. I made a list of Shakepearean names and biblical names for the vampire slayer role playing game we the three of us are doing, yes I am a geek.
SATURDAY
Saturday morning *A* woke up about 7am after sleeping all night and wanted to go get breakfast, I finally agreed around 8:30 to go get a cinnamon roll and coffee. By the time we got back here it was 10 am and I was exhausted but *A* was in a frisky mood and I am not very good at passing up a frisky mood so lets just say I did not get to take my nap until 11am. I was going to try to sleep until 2 PM but my mind said get up around 12:30 even though my body was saying "kindly go fuck yourself."
I went over to grandma's to work on the little plushies for Brandy's baby, one of them came out the way I wanted and I think I am taking the legs off the other one...LOL he is bow legged. Anyway now I know what not to do.
I took them over to Jeff and Mar's where they were hanging out with Dani and I started to embroider the faces on them. We piled into my car and went to this thrift/art store called Treasure Garden where I easily could have spent $500 on stuff for art and stuff I have no place for. Then Dani and I went to Petsmart while Mar and Jeff went to Best buy, I had to get kitty nail clippers, some of you may remember the $400 nail clipping incident when I cut off the pad of my cats toe so I had to get safety clippers just for clipping kitty toenails. They bought season 4 of ANGEL.
The four of us went to Wendy's where I had a baked potato and chili and small burger with water, yes an exciting meal but as I said I have been spending way too much money lately. Dani decided to go home while we were up by her house but first we stopped by SOMETHING WICKED, Elton and Cheryl's new shop, I restrained myself from buying anything though I do plan to get something on payday. Jeff and Mar both bought stuff.
After dropping Dani off we went to the store and stocked up on coffee beans and fixings for spaghetti and headed to their house where we watched the first episode of season 4 ANGEL. The three of us are playing a vampire slayer role playing game and coming up with enough time to get a couple hour in is not always easy with Jeff working days and having Nadia most of the week and our Monday RAVENLOFT game and Mar working mostly late nights, I am the one with the flexible schedule and the car so I just tell them to tell me when to show up.
I really worry I am hanging out with them too much but even though I know I need to give them space I can't for the next few days, Sunday I have to drive Jeff to work and Mar and I are going to go do laundry then we are going to try to play more of the game then Monday we play RAVENLOFT. I am going to try to be a little more scarce during the next week and give them a little time away so I don't wear out my welcome. Jeff and Marissa are like family and I consider Nadia my niece but I still have to give them some space.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Wooden "cigarbox" purses 1 and 2 



Here they are, hope you like them.


The first one is made with printed images of DiVinci's anatomy drawings and the second is printed copies of Hindu artwork
The first box has gold edges and the second has the blue edges, the bare wood boxes cost $3.99 at Michael's and then I Decopaged the images on to the wood after I painted it with simple metalic tole paint ($.97 a bottle)

Kind of a cool compliment 

Once a year, for my insurance, I have to see my councilor's boss, a psychiatrist, for a grand total of 20 mins. This morning *A* came over and we went over to Chef's Hut for breakfast and I felt sorry because I had to rush him through it so I could get to my 9:15 appointment so I told him to just go back to my place and watch X-Files and wait for me.
I got to the appointment with one minute to spare and had a nice meeting with the Dr. We talked about my issues and how I try to be a decent person without letting myself be co-dependent, I may not be religious but I honestly believe in the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But I am also a realist and I do realize that being a decent and caring person does not mean you will be treated the way you deserve, you simply have to do it for yourself because it is the way you want to live your life.
We talked for a few minutes about the different stages of bi-polar disorder, such as agitated depression (having depressed feelings but manic behaviors) which is what I went through part of the end of last year.
Finally he gave me two really nice compliments.
First he told me that I was very articulate and that I should consider going back to school to be a councilor and secondly he told me that he had enjoyed talking to me and he thought my councilor was very lucky to have me as a client since I am a very interesting person. My own councilor, Annie, has told me the same thing and we have some very interesting talks about a wide range of topics as well as about my issues.

Total ninny 

So *A* shows up first thing this morning totally shocked that I wondered if he was mad at me, he had ended up sleeping all day yesterday (having worked 7 nights strait) We went to breakfast before my appointment and all is good as usual.
Why do I do this to myself?
Wait I know why . . . Borderline Personality Disorder.
The Abilify can really help, like the fact that I did not call him over and over or get freaked out and panic but you end up getting habits like thinking the worse (generalized anxiety does not help). It helps me realize that the meds are not enough and I have to work on the behaviors, not being in a romantic relationship is perfect for me right now actually, it gives me time to deal with my issues while still having a close intimate friend.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Making creatures 

I am also making a simple "Ugly Monster" stuff toy like the ones from the CREATURE CO-OP for Brandy's baby and for Nadia out of this killer bright green plush with maroon legs and arms. I am going to try to sew it by hand but if it gets to hard I will dig out the sewing machine or go to grandma's.

I have not seen *A* today. I still don't know if he is even going to spend any of his time off here like he usually does on his days off or if he is bummed at me for bailing on him all Vday.
Oh well I can't let myself worry about it, I just keep myself busy since it is cold as hell out and I just can't get motivated to go anywhere tonight.

Lunch and making purses 


I went to Mai Thai with BrandyAngela this afternoon, it is a lovely place where for $7 you can eat like a king while sitting in a fancy restaurant, I love my little diners but it is nice to eat out at an upscale place sometime.
I had to fill the stupid tank with gas, $35 for barely 16 gallons but I only have a 16 1/2 gallon tank so you can see how low I was.
We went over to Michaels Craft Store and I picked up a couple more wooden purses, I just finished a cigar box one that I did by downloading a bunch of Leonardo DiVinci's anatomy artwork and printing it out on the printer my mom loaned me. I painted the edges of the box antique gold and decopaged both side with the artwork.
I just downloaded and printed up a bunch of Hindu artwork and I am going to do another cigar box purse after I paint the form metallic blue. I haven't decide what to do with the smaller of the purses I bought.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

It ends up.... 

that you can't in fact just flush most of an entire box of dark chocolate covered orange flavored jelly sticks down the toilet, not without clogging it.

Pre Bulimia 

I talk about needing to loose weight but I don't seem to be able to do anything about it and this scares me. I was flipping channels and hit Celebrity Fit Club and there was Countess Vaughn crying about how much pain she was in being fat and I realized I have been in pain about being fat before and yet it never motivated me to loose weight. Now I am in pain, Physical pain every bleeding moment of every bleeding day and yet I still can't stay motivated.
Things have got to change or I will end up in a wheel chair. I am afraid to go weigh, I don't want to know how bad it is because I do know it will be bad.
Last night I was so depressed I went to the store and bought a 4 pack of eggrolls and a box of dark chocolate covered orange jelly sticks, I ate all the eggrolls and a handful of the candy last night.
I was munching on another handful when I flipped on that show and I thought, "Is there Anything that is going to be enough to make me do this?"
So I went PRE BULIMIC
I flushed the whole box down the toilet.
Oh well it is a start.

who said love is dead? 


Click for full size view

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Fortune cookie 

Todays fortune cookee said: You will capture someones heart

I wonder if they had special VDay ones?

No Heart to Break.... Last years Valentine soundtrack 

I am listening to the soundtrack I made last year for valentines day

NO HEART TO BREAK:
The song list includes:
01 - Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra
02 - Wicked Game - Chris Issak
03 - If love is a red dress (hang me in rags) - maria mckee
04 - Not A Pretty Girl - Ani Defranco
05 - Desperately Wanting - Better Then Ezra
06 - I can't make you love me - Bonnie Raitt
07 - Love Ridden - Fiona Apple
08 - The Scientist - Cold Play
09 - Misguided Angel - Cowboy Junkies
10 - As the World Falls Down - David Bowie - Labyrinth
11 - Angels Would Fall - Melissa Etheridge
12 - Waiting for the Miracle - Leonard Cohen
13 - Frozen - Girls Under Glass
14 - Life In Mono - Mono
15 - Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
16 - You Cause As Much Sorrow - Sinead O'Connor
17 - Wild Horses - Tori Amos

VD SUCKS 

I don't know that I so much hate Valentine's Day as I hate the four weeks leading up to it. Endless ads meant to make you feel like crap if you don't spend or have enough money spent on you. Candy every where, romantic movies trying to convince us all that our own lives should be like that, a fairytale of happy ever after.
Today has been a very depressing day.
*A* came over this morning very upset and told me that they had changed his days off at work so he does not have today and tomorrow off, and he is worried about his job. He stayed and we slept for a while but I had to go at 1PM to cash my check and take my grandmother the stuff I bought her yesterday. I get amazing deals at the local grocery store by knowing when to be there, last night I got 3 pounds of hamburger at $1.49 a pound and two 32 oz blocks of Colby-jack cheese for $4 total.
I left *A* sleeping figuring I would get back in time to spend some time with him this afternoon but since my uncle is getting ready to sell his old mini van which is the same make and year as mine we decided to switch off a few parts before it started to storm again this week. He bought 100,000 mile tires and only put about 8,000 miles on them, my tires are those super cheap ones I had to buy July before last when I went to Vegas, so we traded them over, we also traded out the battery and the windshield wipers. It was 4:45 by the time we got done and I had sat out in the cold talking with my uncle for 2 hours wearing the 11 foot scarf a friend made me for I was so cold and my ears have been hurting a bit ever since I had that earache last month.
By the time I got home *A* had left and I don't know if he is mad that I bailed on him or if he just decided to go sleep at his own place and did not get a chance to call me before work.
I had to pick Jeff up at work, now there is a perfect example of what I am talking about, Marissa has told him over and over she doesn't need anything special for V.D. but he was feeling "Like shit" (his words) about having no money until payday on Friday and that he was not going to be able to get her anything special so I ended up loaning him Another $20 (he is paying me Friday) so he could get stuff for a fancy dinner.
I took him home and visited for a while before driving him and M over to the store and taking his daughter Nadia over to her grandmother's who doesn't live that far away from me. Jeff and Marissa had suggested we all go out to the bar and have a couple drinks after dinner, that was at 7PM, Jeff works in the morning, and it is 10:30 now so it is a safe bet they got busy and are not going to want to go out.
I have no one else to go out with either, all of my friends seem to be doing the Noah thing, 2x2. And here I am alone without even a playmate to play with. The sad thing is I could hook up and get laid if that is all I wanted but it isn't, I would like to spend time with someone and even if they are not madly in love with me it would be nice if they were in serious like with me.
Yes I am being a whiney baby and I don't care, I am trying to resist going to the store and stocking up on chocolate and wine.


Listening to: Wicked Game (H.I.M.) on my Launchcast station

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Slow Saturday 

Slow day:
*A* came over, we went to Cafe Ole' with Brandy and her boyfriend, we came home, cuddled, he went to work, I went back to sleep (I have been sleeping non stop lately damn S.A.D.) .... Wildly exciting...LOL

Saturday, February 11, 2006

This week in my life, News at 10 

Lets see, wild week so far, not really. Monday Marissa and her friend D and I went to Cafe Ole' downtown and hung out for a while. Marissa feels that most of Jeff's friends who had become her friends right before she met Jeff are only interested in her because she is dating Jeff and they have to be nice to her to see him. I have made damn sure she knows I like hanging out with her and since Jeff is my adopted brother that makes her my sister.
We then hit Barnes and Noble near my house on out way to go pick up Nadia, I bought a calligraphy set (which I did not need but I have been on a bit of a mild manic, doing lots of crafts and spending too much money) that has the pen with different nibs, a felt pen and 16 inks as well as the book.
I felt really bad cause we were late to pick up Nadia by about 10 mins and she worries when we are not right there, we went by and picked up Jeff who works near Nadia's school and dropped D off home then headed over to Jeff's. I drove Nadia home to her grandmother's at around 7PM and got back to Jeff's just in time to start our Monday night roll playing game, RAVENLOFT.
I am really enjoying the game, we have finally gotten into the groove of it and gotten serious which makes it go a lot faster. It is great hanging out with Marissa, both Jeffs (yes there are two of them, I actually know about 6 of them) Grant and Adrian.

MIDWEEK
*A* and I spent his days off together, it is nice to be around someone who is so affectionate and giving with their attention, we may never be more then great buddies who fool around but we have a wonderful time together. We spent most of Tuesday, and part of Wednesday and Thursday together as well as Tuesday and Wednesday nights. It is very low stress to spend time with him, we just hang out. We usually go to Chef's Hut at least once a week and watch TV together, though I have been getting kind of burned out on X-files since I saw all of them when they first came out then again years ago as reruns so I worked on my crafts in the front room while he watched the X-File marathon that is on every Tuesday night.

CRAFTING AND KNIVES
I have been getting a lot of crafts done ( I will work on getting pics done of them soon) A couple of friends just opened a killer little Goth store on Thursday and I took them some of my 3 dimensional art work. I made three winged skulls and two mini mobiles for them and bought a dagger from them and then I took my grandma over there to look at their earrings (she collects them) and she bought some jewelry and bought me the matching knife.
I also went to Micheal's Craft store and bought two wooden purses, a small postcard size one that is about 4 inches deep and a larger cigar box sized one about 2 1/2 inches deep with a bamboo handle. I painted the small one silver and decopaged copies of two turn of the century nudes on it, one each on the front and back. I am going to do the large one in images from some of my anatomy books. I love the idea that no one else can have exactly the same purse as I do.

MORE GAMING AND A BIGGER KNIFE
Marissa and I went to Mai Thai today, a very nice restaurant downtown since I found out I would be getting a little bit of money back this year after all. The place has a very New York feel to it, very sophisticated but with lunch specials around $7. Lunch is always the way to try new places.
We tried a different laundry mat this time and ended up in one that was $.50 a load more expensive then the one we went to last week but I thought i had to get Nadia so I dropped Marissa off and asked her to toss my clothes in the wash for me. I get to Nadia's school with about 10 mins to spare and sit around then get out of the car to pick her up and find out her great aunt is taking her for the night. Jeff had tried to call but we had already left and were out running errands and neither of us have a cell phone.
I picked Jeff up from work and we got Marissa from the laundry mat then I took them up to see SOMETHING WICKED, Elton and Cheryl's new shop. They loved it as much as I did. Both Jeff and I saw this large dragon knife/small sword at the same time but I got to it first and stood my ground and bought it for $10 since it was used, though you really cant tell except it doesn't have scabbard. I have a habit of letting other people have what they want and regretting it later.
We went shopping and I got hot sausages, French bread and Jeff bought a mixed pack of MacTarnahan's beer. I have decided I love Mac Blackwatch porter. We cooked some Zataran's jumbalia and hominy and had it while watching some of the last season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
After the game we started playing our own version of the Buffy world with different characters, I am a first level witch and my character's boyfriend is a hacker, Marissa is the new slayer in the game, which is cool cause in most games I am the more kick ass fighter and she is the magic one. Anyway we played til one and that was my exciting week.


Listening to: Bella Lagosi is Dead (live version) Bauhaus on my launchcast station

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Long Island Friday- Hungover Saturday 

I picked up Jeff and Nadia Friday afternoon and we stopped at Moxie Java for coffee and creme frappes then hit the gaming store so I could get a copy of GLOOM ($21.95) then we headed over to their new place and hung out until Jeff had to take Nadia to her grandmother. Marrisa and I goofed off and since we had decided to go out that night I jumped in their shower which was funny since it is one of those little bitty box ones and not much wider then my hips so I kept bumping the door open.
Jeff had found the game NIGHTMARE which is played with a video game, Marrisa and I went to the store and bought beer and I bought a Buddha statue, I really spent way too much money Friday. Normal Dan came over and we ordered sandwiches from Marrisa's work and Played Nightmare and Gloom then went down to Mulligan's where I had a Rum and Coke. Jay showed up and bought me a Long Island Ice Tea and we were joined by Amber and her friend Becky. Dan, Jeff, Marrisa, Amber, Becky and I went to Bada Boom which was suppose to have Kareoke but they had the worse hip-hop music you could imagine so we left for this little dive bar called the Navajo Room where I had another really strong Long Island Ice Tea and watched people sing kareoke, I will not get up and sing but I was singing at the table.
I ran into one of my ex-boyfriends there and could not remember his name, I do have an excuse though, I thought wow he sounds like Nate but he looks different and Nate is in Reno. Ends up it was Nate and he had lost about 30 pounds. Talk about embarrassing.
We were there until close and Jeff and Amber sang a song then I took them all back downtown where they live and went home myself.
Don't you hate when you can't figure out where you spent money? I had $115 to start with, I spent
$4 on a drink at jeffs work
$6 on coffee drinks
$5 on cloves
$24 on Gloom and some dice
$9 on a Buddha
$13 on beer and juice
$6 on a sandwich
$9 on drinks

That is $76 and I only had $23 when I got up this morning so I am missing about $15, I either got the wrong change or spent money on something I can't remember. Freaking drives me batty.

I woke up Saturday around 10 am with WORSE hangover, I took my regular pain meds and about a third of a gallon of water but the headache would not go away so I took a .5mg Ativan. Now that helps the hangover since it puts you to sleep but it was probably not real smart of me, I ended up sleeping all day except for the hour between 1 and 2 pm where I went to Chef's Hut for a cinnamon roll, bagel and side of bacon with coffee.... big mistake I had the WORSE heartburn later when *A* came over and woke me up around 5 Pm.
We slept and cuddled for a while and then watched Dogma, one of my favorite movies then he slept for another hour while I put together some mini mobiles I have been making out of papermache'.

After he left I went to the store and then went to a Chinese buffet to eat. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? There I am with an upset tummy, and worried about how much money I spent the day before worried I am going to be really badly broke this month cause I splurged on stuff like a new light fixture and pillows as well as the game and drinks and I am worried and upset that I am not loosing weight and that I keep screwing up and I STILL go pay $10 to eat Chinese food.
I ended up at Borders bookstore and bought a new anatomy book (I collect them) for $5 on clearance then headed over to Barnes and Noble, I was so tempted by this Michaels craft book I have been wanting for ever but it is $25 and I thought if I had not gone to dinner I could have justified buying it but I didn't, now I am determined that I will not go out to eat again this month unless someone else takes me, if I can just do that and figure out why my car seems to be using way too much gas I should be OK for the rest of the month if I can stop spending recklessly and stock up on groceries.
I had better get to bed, I have to pick Jeff up and run him to work tomorrow, he has to work during the Superbowl at the restaurant and then Mom is coming over to help finish organizing my place.