Friday, April 30, 2004
Want to See Movies
I have a long list of want to see movies this season, some I will wait to see at the cheapy theaters and a few I will splurge and see at the Cineplex with stadium seats and Big Screens.
Full Price:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Van Helsing
The Chronicles of Riddick (June11th)
Spider-Man 2 (June 23rd))
I, Robot ((july))
Cheapy theater
Man on Fire
HellBoy
Ella Enchanted
The Ladykillers
Hidalgo
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King ((for the second time))
Troy
Full Price:
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Van Helsing
The Chronicles of Riddick (June11th)
Spider-Man 2 (June 23rd))
I, Robot ((july))
Cheapy theater
Man on Fire
HellBoy
Ella Enchanted
The Ladykillers
Hidalgo
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King ((for the second time))
Troy
Bitch, You don't Have a Future . . .
So the Bride says to Elle in the second volume of Kill Bill
I liked this movie, But not as much as the first with its relentless action, this movie had entire scenes that did not need to be in it including a very long scene where we find out just how much of a loser Bill's Brother Bud has become, this could have been handled just as well by Bud Telling Bill "I am a loser, hell I got fired from Bouncing at the worlds crappiest strip joint, I have nothing going for me, I live in the middle of hell and you know what? I don't give a fuck." Thus saving us a drawn out scene that slows the movie to a crawl. In one scene Bud tells Bill how they all deserve to die, how he does not care one way or the other and then later he brutalizes the Bride and buries her alive.
On the same note the end was over-played with Bill pontificating on comic books and forcing the Bride to confess her sins. Also the fact there was no serious sword fighting between Carradine and Thurman (Bill and the Bride) was a real let down, I liked the way he dies but felt like 5 mins of his speeches with her could have been cut in place of some actual fighting, I know Carradine is older but he looks in great shape and he would not be the first actor to use a stunt double.
the Death of Bud (sidewinder) and of Elle (California Mnt Snake) are great (I assume Elle is dead since she is left blind in a trailer with an actual Black Mamba snake) are great, in fact the action scenes are wonderful but a lot of the drawn out dialog feels as if it is an after thought, as if Tarrentino felt like he HAD to add it.
He tries to hard to make us care for the Bride as a sympathetic character when if fact it was her blind vengeance in the first movie that worked so well, she was the Black Mamba, a killing Machine, a snake with only the drive to strike at those who struck at her. Quite a bit of this is lost in the second Volume.
As a stand alone movie Vol 2 is good but in comparison to Vol 1 (which is one of the best films I have seen in years) it lacks a lot.
Listening to: Pulp Fiction Soundtrack... I want the sound track to Kill Bill 1&2 but since I don't kazza any longer I will have to wait.
I liked this movie, But not as much as the first with its relentless action, this movie had entire scenes that did not need to be in it including a very long scene where we find out just how much of a loser Bill's Brother Bud has become, this could have been handled just as well by Bud Telling Bill "I am a loser, hell I got fired from Bouncing at the worlds crappiest strip joint, I have nothing going for me, I live in the middle of hell and you know what? I don't give a fuck." Thus saving us a drawn out scene that slows the movie to a crawl. In one scene Bud tells Bill how they all deserve to die, how he does not care one way or the other and then later he brutalizes the Bride and buries her alive.
On the same note the end was over-played with Bill pontificating on comic books and forcing the Bride to confess her sins. Also the fact there was no serious sword fighting between Carradine and Thurman (Bill and the Bride) was a real let down, I liked the way he dies but felt like 5 mins of his speeches with her could have been cut in place of some actual fighting, I know Carradine is older but he looks in great shape and he would not be the first actor to use a stunt double.
the Death of Bud (sidewinder) and of Elle (California Mnt Snake) are great (I assume Elle is dead since she is left blind in a trailer with an actual Black Mamba snake) are great, in fact the action scenes are wonderful but a lot of the drawn out dialog feels as if it is an after thought, as if Tarrentino felt like he HAD to add it.
He tries to hard to make us care for the Bride as a sympathetic character when if fact it was her blind vengeance in the first movie that worked so well, she was the Black Mamba, a killing Machine, a snake with only the drive to strike at those who struck at her. Quite a bit of this is lost in the second Volume.
As a stand alone movie Vol 2 is good but in comparison to Vol 1 (which is one of the best films I have seen in years) it lacks a lot.
Listening to: Pulp Fiction Soundtrack... I want the sound track to Kill Bill 1&2 but since I don't kazza any longer I will have to wait.
Erotic Story ideas
I really need to start working on my writing, coming up with more Erotic stories.
I know a lot of people just write about what ever turns them on but I will sometimes pick a topic that really doesn't do much for me and try to write about it just to see if I can make it sexy.
I found this site, a glossary of unusual sex terms and I am thinkiing of doing a series of stories where I take one of the terms and use it for the title and the subject
Some examples are:
ACROPHILIA: Arousal from heights or high altitudes
AGONOPHILIA: Person who is aroused by a partner pretending to struggle
AGORAPHILIA: Arousal from open spaces or having sex in public places
AGREXOPHILIA: Arousal from others knowing you are having sex
AICHMOPHILIA: Love of needles and other pointed objects (knives)
ALBUTOPHILIA: Arousal from water
AMYCHESIS: Act of scratching partner during sexual passion
ANASTEEMAPHILIA: Attraction to a person because of a difference in height
AUTAGONISTOPHILIA: Exhibitionism; arousal from exposing naked body or genitals to strangers while on stage or while being photographed
AUTONEPIOPHILIA: Sexual attraction from dressing or being treated like an infant
BRONTOPHILIA: Love of thunderstorms
CATAGELOPHILIA: Love of being ridiculed
DACRYPHILIA: Arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner
LYSSOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from becoming angry or upset
MACROPHILIA: Attraction to giants or giant creatures
MIXOSCOPIA: Orgasm achieved by watching one’s beloved have sex with someone else; voyeurism
PEODEIKTOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from exhibitionism
PTERONOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from being tickled by feathers
RÉTIFISM: Foot and shoe fetishism, including using the shoe for masturbation
RHABDOPHILIA: Finding pleasure in being severely criticized
SPECTROPHILIA: Arousal from looking at oneself in a mirror
VINCILAGNIA: Arousal from bondage
There are more subjects but this is just a quick overveiw
Listening to: Goth mix tape I made for someone as a gift
Rasputina Dollhouse, Berlin Sex, Cruxshadows insomnia, Jane Silberry it can't rain all the time, Seraphim Shock little gothic, Peggy Lee Is that all there is, Dimanda Galas & Jane's Addiction Sex is Violence... and more
Weather: 51* and sunny a bit windy will get to 70 or so later
I know a lot of people just write about what ever turns them on but I will sometimes pick a topic that really doesn't do much for me and try to write about it just to see if I can make it sexy.
I found this site, a glossary of unusual sex terms and I am thinkiing of doing a series of stories where I take one of the terms and use it for the title and the subject
Some examples are:
ACROPHILIA: Arousal from heights or high altitudes
AGONOPHILIA: Person who is aroused by a partner pretending to struggle
AGORAPHILIA: Arousal from open spaces or having sex in public places
AGREXOPHILIA: Arousal from others knowing you are having sex
AICHMOPHILIA: Love of needles and other pointed objects (knives)
ALBUTOPHILIA: Arousal from water
AMYCHESIS: Act of scratching partner during sexual passion
ANASTEEMAPHILIA: Attraction to a person because of a difference in height
AUTAGONISTOPHILIA: Exhibitionism; arousal from exposing naked body or genitals to strangers while on stage or while being photographed
AUTONEPIOPHILIA: Sexual attraction from dressing or being treated like an infant
BRONTOPHILIA: Love of thunderstorms
CATAGELOPHILIA: Love of being ridiculed
DACRYPHILIA: Arousal from seeing tears in the eyes of a partner
LYSSOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from becoming angry or upset
MACROPHILIA: Attraction to giants or giant creatures
MIXOSCOPIA: Orgasm achieved by watching one’s beloved have sex with someone else; voyeurism
PEODEIKTOPHILIA: Sexual arousal from exhibitionism
PTERONOPHILIA: Sexual gratification from being tickled by feathers
RÉTIFISM: Foot and shoe fetishism, including using the shoe for masturbation
RHABDOPHILIA: Finding pleasure in being severely criticized
SPECTROPHILIA: Arousal from looking at oneself in a mirror
VINCILAGNIA: Arousal from bondage
There are more subjects but this is just a quick overveiw
Listening to: Goth mix tape I made for someone as a gift
Rasputina Dollhouse, Berlin Sex, Cruxshadows insomnia, Jane Silberry it can't rain all the time, Seraphim Shock little gothic, Peggy Lee Is that all there is, Dimanda Galas & Jane's Addiction Sex is Violence... and more
Weather: 51* and sunny a bit windy will get to 70 or so later
Thursday, April 29, 2004
New do
Right before I went in the hospital in march I had 7 inches cut off the back of my hair.
Tuesday I had a little more trimmed off and had it shaped.
I tried to do the natral essence streaks and got so pissed off at how they did not streak the way I wanted that I ended up lightening my entire hair. It is actually lot lighter then this pic but when I tired to use the flash it caused trouble with the mirror and messed up the photo. I may try to get one taken outside later.
Here is a pic of my hair taken last night.
Tuesday I had a little more trimmed off and had it shaped.
I tried to do the natral essence streaks and got so pissed off at how they did not streak the way I wanted that I ended up lightening my entire hair. It is actually lot lighter then this pic but when I tired to use the flash it caused trouble with the mirror and messed up the photo. I may try to get one taken outside later.
Here is a pic of my hair taken last night.
Long introspection
Everytime I write something personal, everytime I dig into myself here I remember a blog I saw with the tag line "Thoughts so personal I had to share them with total strangers" And yet it seems to help to dig these up sometimes.
there is something really missing in me, a connection to the real world, to other people.
No that is not quite right.
The thing that is missing is the ABILITY to connect.
Someone once said that the jokes people tell say a lot about them, that if they joke about themselves listen, they are trying to tell you and themselves the truth.
A couple of things I joke about a lot are like when I tell people:
"I am not as nice as you think I am" or "I don't know where you got this mistaken belief that I am a nice person"
and then of course there are the times I joke about being a hermit, about disappearing from the world and not wanting to be bothered by people. And the fact that it is hard to make friends when just as you get to know them you go into self induced seclusion.
The thing is both of these are true... I don't think I am a very nice person deep inside, I mean I can do nice things and I can be nice but that is not the same as being a nice person is it?
I love my family and I love my pets and I probably care about the few friends I have in real life and I would try to help those people if I could, but I feel as if I am looking at them and everyone else as if they were characters in a book, I care what happens to them but I just don't seem to have any deep feelings about anything right now, in fact for a long time.
I don't think I have had many deep feelings about anyone or anything for more then a few hours at a time for a couple of years now. Of course I have been off my meds for just over a year now and that may be a big part of it but at the same time I am not sure I would change it if I could. The last really strong feelings I remember having for any length of time probably ended with the final breakup of a relationship that lasted a few years and which I yo-yoed in and out of (not by my choice till the very end). I think I literally burned that part of myself out. It is like my mind said "I am tired of feeling, tired of pain, tired of worry, tired of not fitting in, even tired of loving cause all it does is bring pain in the end." and it just slowly got numb.
It is as if everything I feel is through a wet layer of gauze bandages. Some days they are thick and deep and I just don't care, I don't care if I have anyone to talk to, anyone in my life or what people think of me, and on other days it is as if the gauze is thinner and I almost feel like I think I should, I think I miss having friends locally (I say think because to be honest I am not sure that what I feel is anything more then the thought "I think I SHOULD miss not having people around") I think I want a lover but even on those days I am pretty sure I don't want to be in love. A lot of times I feel as if it is more of an issue of THINKING I should be feeling something.
I don't like who I am when I am in love (I am not all that thrilled about who I am on any given day of the week but it is so much worse when I am in a relationship)
I find myself doubting myself in ways I never do alone, doubting the person involved, I find myself full of fear and then at some point I find myself angry at the other person for not giving me what I need to feel safe. I end up feeling as if I can not trust myself, can not trust them, this is not an issue of cheating it is more like I can not trust them to be honest, to feel what they say they do, to feel what I need them to feel. And then I find myself angry at myself for thinking I should be able to control the situation.
And you wonder why I don't want to fall in love?
The problem is I don't just fall, I fall down and go boom.
When I think of falling in love like people seem to think it is suppose to be, the way books imply it will be after the words "THE END" I think of what it says in the Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker" books "Flying is just falling and forgetting to hit the ground." The thing is I never forget the ground is there and that it is full of jagged rocks.
Today I was in chat and some guy was going on and on about how he can not find a feedee under 30, how only 1 in a billion women are feedees under 30 so I (and most of the room) were giving him shit about that, like how if that is true there are about 3.5 feedees under 30. I admit he got on my nerves, it was the whining and bitching and the fact that when given suggestions he just bitched and moaned. But I was not the only person in the room going off on him... I WAS on the other hand the only person personally attacked for being a bitch and funny enough many of the people who were going off on him sided with the woman who attacked me.
In the past I would have been in tears, I would have been devastated, but the fact is while it did make me think it did not really effect me or hurt me. I was more insulted that people who are cool to my face were biting my back in private. I feel like if you don't like me tell me, what am I suppose to do about it if I don't know about it.
Here is the thing about me, I know I am not a very nice person, I know I am a bitch and while I don't want to hurt anyone I sometimes don't seem to be able to control myself. I know I put people off, hell I put myself off, I wood not choose me for a friend if I was someone else.
You know I think that is why I have no real respect for these guys who message me and say "I think you are nice, I like you for more then your body" I have gotten to a point where I can TOTALLY accept that there are men and some women out there who desire me but I just think "How can you say something like that? Haven't you been paying attention? I am a pretty awful person most of the time, wake up, and smell the coffee or at least be honest... You just want some... Not that it is going to help you cause I don't respect that either . . . See just another bit of proof I am not nice."
I know I should not think like this, I know it is just another aspect of self esteem issues, except I really feel it is true. But then that is how self esteem issues are aren't they... You become convinced that what you feel about yourself is true. There are times I think that if I could get on and stay on my meds I would be a nice a person again, but then I wonder was I EVER a nice person? Was I ever easy to know?
I had a long relationship, I have had a few in fact, I had dear close friends at one time and they all moved away and got on with their lives while I was doing the hermit of Boise thing and I never really made any more, I don't even know if I CAN make any more real friends, if I have it in me to do so.
I have bi-polar disorder and I have Borderline Personality Disorder
I once explained it to a councilor this way:
Manic-Depression may make you hard to live with but it sure makes you interesting to know.
On the other hand BPD just makes you someone no one wants to know.
I want to be a better person, I want to make friends here in town, but it is like how I am about unpacking: there is ALWAYS something Easier to do and so the boxes stay packed and I stay a hermit.
There are times I wish I was dead.
I don't say this in anyway a suicidal though ((suicide would involve a deep emotional feeling and I just don't have it in me)) No this is more like a wish to just stop what feels like a slow laborious downward trek in my life and just start over.
This happens when I have my random half formed thoughts about reincarnation or the afterlife, since I have no deep held faith one way or another these thoughts are often along the lines of "I wish I could die and come back as a beloved house cat" Often thought of when I realize my cats have managed to push me almost off the bed again.
And other times I think that it would be perfectly fine if there was nothing after death, if I could just fade away, to me it would be like sleep and I love sleep.
I want to make this clear, I don't intend to kill myself, it is just one of the random thoughts that flit through my head... Sort of along the lines of "I wish there was a magic spell so I could be born over again as someone else and try to do it right this time." Or even "I wish a magic pill would let me be born over as a beloved and much spoiled house cat with no memory of who I was."
The fact is I live deep inside my head, in the books I read and the stories I write in there and forget before I get them on paper. I do so much better in my own little world ((they know me there)) Maybe if I was not so lost in my own mind I would function better in the real world ((Unlike most people I don't mean 'life outside of the internet' when I say the real world, I mean 'life outside of myself, my mind'))
Anyway I will probably just go on being ME.
Go on being alone but not sure if I am lonely or if I just think sometimes I should be.
Go on pissing people off when my tongue (or fingers) get the best of me.
Go on being lost.
there is something really missing in me, a connection to the real world, to other people.
No that is not quite right.
The thing that is missing is the ABILITY to connect.
Someone once said that the jokes people tell say a lot about them, that if they joke about themselves listen, they are trying to tell you and themselves the truth.
A couple of things I joke about a lot are like when I tell people:
"I am not as nice as you think I am" or "I don't know where you got this mistaken belief that I am a nice person"
and then of course there are the times I joke about being a hermit, about disappearing from the world and not wanting to be bothered by people. And the fact that it is hard to make friends when just as you get to know them you go into self induced seclusion.
The thing is both of these are true... I don't think I am a very nice person deep inside, I mean I can do nice things and I can be nice but that is not the same as being a nice person is it?
I love my family and I love my pets and I probably care about the few friends I have in real life and I would try to help those people if I could, but I feel as if I am looking at them and everyone else as if they were characters in a book, I care what happens to them but I just don't seem to have any deep feelings about anything right now, in fact for a long time.
I don't think I have had many deep feelings about anyone or anything for more then a few hours at a time for a couple of years now. Of course I have been off my meds for just over a year now and that may be a big part of it but at the same time I am not sure I would change it if I could. The last really strong feelings I remember having for any length of time probably ended with the final breakup of a relationship that lasted a few years and which I yo-yoed in and out of (not by my choice till the very end). I think I literally burned that part of myself out. It is like my mind said "I am tired of feeling, tired of pain, tired of worry, tired of not fitting in, even tired of loving cause all it does is bring pain in the end." and it just slowly got numb.
It is as if everything I feel is through a wet layer of gauze bandages. Some days they are thick and deep and I just don't care, I don't care if I have anyone to talk to, anyone in my life or what people think of me, and on other days it is as if the gauze is thinner and I almost feel like I think I should, I think I miss having friends locally (I say think because to be honest I am not sure that what I feel is anything more then the thought "I think I SHOULD miss not having people around") I think I want a lover but even on those days I am pretty sure I don't want to be in love. A lot of times I feel as if it is more of an issue of THINKING I should be feeling something.
I don't like who I am when I am in love (I am not all that thrilled about who I am on any given day of the week but it is so much worse when I am in a relationship)
I find myself doubting myself in ways I never do alone, doubting the person involved, I find myself full of fear and then at some point I find myself angry at the other person for not giving me what I need to feel safe. I end up feeling as if I can not trust myself, can not trust them, this is not an issue of cheating it is more like I can not trust them to be honest, to feel what they say they do, to feel what I need them to feel. And then I find myself angry at myself for thinking I should be able to control the situation.
And you wonder why I don't want to fall in love?
The problem is I don't just fall, I fall down and go boom.
When I think of falling in love like people seem to think it is suppose to be, the way books imply it will be after the words "THE END" I think of what it says in the Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker" books "Flying is just falling and forgetting to hit the ground." The thing is I never forget the ground is there and that it is full of jagged rocks.
Today I was in chat and some guy was going on and on about how he can not find a feedee under 30, how only 1 in a billion women are feedees under 30 so I (and most of the room) were giving him shit about that, like how if that is true there are about 3.5 feedees under 30. I admit he got on my nerves, it was the whining and bitching and the fact that when given suggestions he just bitched and moaned. But I was not the only person in the room going off on him... I WAS on the other hand the only person personally attacked for being a bitch and funny enough many of the people who were going off on him sided with the woman who attacked me.
In the past I would have been in tears, I would have been devastated, but the fact is while it did make me think it did not really effect me or hurt me. I was more insulted that people who are cool to my face were biting my back in private. I feel like if you don't like me tell me, what am I suppose to do about it if I don't know about it.
Here is the thing about me, I know I am not a very nice person, I know I am a bitch and while I don't want to hurt anyone I sometimes don't seem to be able to control myself. I know I put people off, hell I put myself off, I wood not choose me for a friend if I was someone else.
You know I think that is why I have no real respect for these guys who message me and say "I think you are nice, I like you for more then your body" I have gotten to a point where I can TOTALLY accept that there are men and some women out there who desire me but I just think "How can you say something like that? Haven't you been paying attention? I am a pretty awful person most of the time, wake up, and smell the coffee or at least be honest... You just want some... Not that it is going to help you cause I don't respect that either . . . See just another bit of proof I am not nice."
I know I should not think like this, I know it is just another aspect of self esteem issues, except I really feel it is true. But then that is how self esteem issues are aren't they... You become convinced that what you feel about yourself is true. There are times I think that if I could get on and stay on my meds I would be a nice a person again, but then I wonder was I EVER a nice person? Was I ever easy to know?
I had a long relationship, I have had a few in fact, I had dear close friends at one time and they all moved away and got on with their lives while I was doing the hermit of Boise thing and I never really made any more, I don't even know if I CAN make any more real friends, if I have it in me to do so.
I have bi-polar disorder and I have Borderline Personality Disorder
I once explained it to a councilor this way:
Manic-Depression may make you hard to live with but it sure makes you interesting to know.
On the other hand BPD just makes you someone no one wants to know.
I want to be a better person, I want to make friends here in town, but it is like how I am about unpacking: there is ALWAYS something Easier to do and so the boxes stay packed and I stay a hermit.
There are times I wish I was dead.
I don't say this in anyway a suicidal though ((suicide would involve a deep emotional feeling and I just don't have it in me)) No this is more like a wish to just stop what feels like a slow laborious downward trek in my life and just start over.
This happens when I have my random half formed thoughts about reincarnation or the afterlife, since I have no deep held faith one way or another these thoughts are often along the lines of "I wish I could die and come back as a beloved house cat" Often thought of when I realize my cats have managed to push me almost off the bed again.
And other times I think that it would be perfectly fine if there was nothing after death, if I could just fade away, to me it would be like sleep and I love sleep.
I want to make this clear, I don't intend to kill myself, it is just one of the random thoughts that flit through my head... Sort of along the lines of "I wish there was a magic spell so I could be born over again as someone else and try to do it right this time." Or even "I wish a magic pill would let me be born over as a beloved and much spoiled house cat with no memory of who I was."
The fact is I live deep inside my head, in the books I read and the stories I write in there and forget before I get them on paper. I do so much better in my own little world ((they know me there)) Maybe if I was not so lost in my own mind I would function better in the real world ((Unlike most people I don't mean 'life outside of the internet' when I say the real world, I mean 'life outside of myself, my mind'))
Anyway I will probably just go on being ME.
Go on being alone but not sure if I am lonely or if I just think sometimes I should be.
Go on pissing people off when my tongue (or fingers) get the best of me.
Go on being lost.
RealAstrology
Rob Breszny's FreeWill Atrology
Sagittarius Horoscope for week of April 29, 2004
Forty years ago, three repetitions of a 60-second TV commercial were enough to reach 80 percent of the population. Today it takes 117 such plugs to accomplish the same effect. Why? The proliferation of cable TV stations and other media means that a business has to work much harder to spread the word about its product. You'll face a similar prospect in the coming weeks and months, Sagittarius. Because your competition will be expanding and multiplying, you'll have to grow in order to keep from falling behind. I think that's good news, though. The pressure to improve will be healthy for you.
Sagittarius Horoscope for week of April 29, 2004
Forty years ago, three repetitions of a 60-second TV commercial were enough to reach 80 percent of the population. Today it takes 117 such plugs to accomplish the same effect. Why? The proliferation of cable TV stations and other media means that a business has to work much harder to spread the word about its product. You'll face a similar prospect in the coming weeks and months, Sagittarius. Because your competition will be expanding and multiplying, you'll have to grow in order to keep from falling behind. I think that's good news, though. The pressure to improve will be healthy for you.
Henry Miller Quote
“The task of genius, and humanity is nothing if not genius, is to keep the miracle alive, to live always in the miracle, to make the miracle more and more miraculous, to swear allegiance to nothing, but live only miraculously, think only miraculously, die miraculously.” -Henry Miller
Don't read this post if you are queasy
I am serious don't read if you have a weak stomach, which apparently I do
I had really hoped that the GallBladder surgery would put an end to the throwing up and not being able to eat a lot of things.
Sadly it looks as if I won't be able to eat Chinese food anymore.
It is the end of the month and since I bought so much for the new apartment I am now dead broke so I took $20 of the shares in my account (you are suppose to keep $25 but as long as it is not lower then that for $60 they are cool and I will pay it back Friday) and took Grandma out to lunch.
There is this one Chinese place we like to go to that has a Buffet at your table set up, basically you get all the soup, salad and pork and seeds (I love pork and seeds this is why I go there) you want and then they bring you out this monster platter of 5 or 6 items and if you don't eat all of what is on the plate you can take it home and if you ask for seconds of what is on the plate you can not.
I was really careful and peeled away all the batter from about 90% of the food and other then a BIG plate of pork and seeds I did not eat too much of my platter.
I felt a little queasy afterwards but was fine until about 4 hours later when it got so bad I could not stand it and ended up loosing my lunch. The thing is I can cause myself to lose it without touching my mouth, I simply cough a certain way when I feel sick to my stomach and it comes up, the problem there is it is really easy for me to throw up. I thought after begin horribly sick that time I was alright so I took a phenagren for nausea and laid down.
about 40 mins later I decided to turn off the lights and get some sleep (I said my sleep schedule is weird this was about 5 pm) and as I stood to close the curtains I felt like I was going to be ill right there and I rushed to the bathroom. Thankfully I made it though I did end up having to clean up a lot, nothing much is worse then throwing up for 10 mins and while I are waiting to see if it is done having to clean it up.
This is really scary for me cause even at the height of my gallbladder attack I never had that feeling that I was not to some extent in control of whether I tossed my cookies, it was always more of a feeling like "My stomach hurts, it feels on fire, if I throw up it will feel better, I guess that is what I will do" and then causing it to happen, This was not under my control.
I called grandma when I woke up at 11 pm (she doesn't sleep a lot) and asked if she had been sick, no it was not food poisoning, there is just something wrong with my stomach so that even after the surgery I get sick really easy. This is the second (or third?) time I have gotten ill since I got out of the hospital early in march. If it happens again in the next month I am going to have to contact my Dr.
I have been eating so much healthier and I guess I am just going to have to be really careful and not eat deep fried anything and watch the portions.....
Sigh well I guess I can still do golden corral if I stay away from deep fried, Oh well buffets are not exactly good for you..LOL
I had really hoped that the GallBladder surgery would put an end to the throwing up and not being able to eat a lot of things.
Sadly it looks as if I won't be able to eat Chinese food anymore.
It is the end of the month and since I bought so much for the new apartment I am now dead broke so I took $20 of the shares in my account (you are suppose to keep $25 but as long as it is not lower then that for $60 they are cool and I will pay it back Friday) and took Grandma out to lunch.
There is this one Chinese place we like to go to that has a Buffet at your table set up, basically you get all the soup, salad and pork and seeds (I love pork and seeds this is why I go there) you want and then they bring you out this monster platter of 5 or 6 items and if you don't eat all of what is on the plate you can take it home and if you ask for seconds of what is on the plate you can not.
I was really careful and peeled away all the batter from about 90% of the food and other then a BIG plate of pork and seeds I did not eat too much of my platter.
I felt a little queasy afterwards but was fine until about 4 hours later when it got so bad I could not stand it and ended up loosing my lunch. The thing is I can cause myself to lose it without touching my mouth, I simply cough a certain way when I feel sick to my stomach and it comes up, the problem there is it is really easy for me to throw up. I thought after begin horribly sick that time I was alright so I took a phenagren for nausea and laid down.
about 40 mins later I decided to turn off the lights and get some sleep (I said my sleep schedule is weird this was about 5 pm) and as I stood to close the curtains I felt like I was going to be ill right there and I rushed to the bathroom. Thankfully I made it though I did end up having to clean up a lot, nothing much is worse then throwing up for 10 mins and while I are waiting to see if it is done having to clean it up.
This is really scary for me cause even at the height of my gallbladder attack I never had that feeling that I was not to some extent in control of whether I tossed my cookies, it was always more of a feeling like "My stomach hurts, it feels on fire, if I throw up it will feel better, I guess that is what I will do" and then causing it to happen, This was not under my control.
I called grandma when I woke up at 11 pm (she doesn't sleep a lot) and asked if she had been sick, no it was not food poisoning, there is just something wrong with my stomach so that even after the surgery I get sick really easy. This is the second (or third?) time I have gotten ill since I got out of the hospital early in march. If it happens again in the next month I am going to have to contact my Dr.
I have been eating so much healthier and I guess I am just going to have to be really careful and not eat deep fried anything and watch the portions.....
Sigh well I guess I can still do golden corral if I stay away from deep fried, Oh well buffets are not exactly good for you..LOL
Blog directory
I joined Blogarama a blog directory
Sadly there I did not find any other BBW blogs on that site
Hopefully more BBWs will get their blogs listed, for the same reason I want to see more BBW Erotica at LitErotica.com, I feel that the more we get the fact out to the mainstream that we are real people, with real lives and real feelings the better off we as group of large people will be.
Sadly there I did not find any other BBW blogs on that site
Hopefully more BBWs will get their blogs listed, for the same reason I want to see more BBW Erotica at LitErotica.com, I feel that the more we get the fact out to the mainstream that we are real people, with real lives and real feelings the better off we as group of large people will be.
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Erotica
I am submitting some of my BBW erotica to LitErotica.com
I feel that we need to get as many BBW erotic stories on this site as possible to get the message of fat being sexy out in the mainstream
I am still waiting for my submissions to be approved (I am sure they get tons a day) and will link you to them when I do
Thinking of writing Erotica??
LitErotica has an amazing list of resources for any writer and tons for Erotic Writing.
I feel that we need to get as many BBW erotic stories on this site as possible to get the message of fat being sexy out in the mainstream
I am still waiting for my submissions to be approved (I am sure they get tons a day) and will link you to them when I do
Thinking of writing Erotica??
LitErotica has an amazing list of resources for any writer and tons for Erotic Writing.
rain and the red tree
It just started to rain, I can hear it lightly striking the leaves of the red plum outside my window.
Now it is coming down harder, noticable over the constant sound of traffic.
This being Boise it may last for minutes or hours.
Now it is coming down harder, noticable over the constant sound of traffic.
This being Boise it may last for minutes or hours.
A few of the books I read this week
I have read a lot of Jayne Ann Krentz books including those written under the names Jayne Castle and Amanda Quick
This last week or so I read
and
These are both newer releases by Krentz, she use to write Harliquins many of which have been rereleased as MIRA books (this is a label that takes harliquin books written by authors who then make it big and rerelease them in different cover... most of them are worth reading if you like the writers they are definitely better then your run of the mill Harliquin)
Under the name Krentz she writes mostly contemporary romances, almost always with a mystery to them and quite often with a super natural twist.
In the newer Jayne Castle Novels she writes a s-f version of romance, almost all of these take place on two different worlds with a similar set up of lost colonies of humans developing paranormal powers
Amanda Quick is the name she uses to write historical romances.
I really like her stuff but sometimes it gets a little formal ridden, but then she puts out books faster then anyone I have ever seen.
I also have just finished Lynne Murray's Josephine Fuller series
At Large is the 3rd of a 4 books Lynn has out about her BBW detective. I have already the first one
These books are unapologetically positive about big women, both the main character and her friends as well as the men around her.
This last week or so I read
and
These are both newer releases by Krentz, she use to write Harliquins many of which have been rereleased as MIRA books (this is a label that takes harliquin books written by authors who then make it big and rerelease them in different cover... most of them are worth reading if you like the writers they are definitely better then your run of the mill Harliquin)
Under the name Krentz she writes mostly contemporary romances, almost always with a mystery to them and quite often with a super natural twist.
In the newer Jayne Castle Novels she writes a s-f version of romance, almost all of these take place on two different worlds with a similar set up of lost colonies of humans developing paranormal powers
Amanda Quick is the name she uses to write historical romances.
I really like her stuff but sometimes it gets a little formal ridden, but then she puts out books faster then anyone I have ever seen.
I also have just finished Lynne Murray's Josephine Fuller series
At Large is the 3rd of a 4 books Lynn has out about her BBW detective. I have already the first one
These books are unapologetically positive about big women, both the main character and her friends as well as the men around her.
cartoon I can't stop laughing at
I think Bucky is related to my Nepo cat
Weird ass dream
I dream a lot, I just seldom if ever remember my dreams... Usually only the last few mins of it as I wake up but tonight I had a dream I remember
I had infiltrated a group like the neo Nazis who were terrorist types and I had been found out and this man was driving me in the front of a covered pickup truck
((before the truck I remember getting this girl who was forced to live there or risk her family out of there and I remember looking at these insignias on the wall and thinking how odd they were beaded with seed beads...LOL dream stuff))
This man in the pickup was taking me to a slaughter house they used to cover their murders and he was trying to act like it was not happening so he could get me there without me freaking. He did not realize that I knew of this place so I asked him where we were going and he mumbled Caldwell (it is a city near here and I don't know if it has slaughter house)
In my dream I first put my hand on the back of his neck like I would force him to do something and then I thought "wait that wont work" and changed things so I had a preloaded microsyringe and put it in his neck and forced him to pull over before he got paralyzed. We pulled over next to this cemetery out a ways from town, the kind where they use ground markers instead of stones.
I told him that this stuff had paralyzed him from the neck down then I drove him out in the country ((this is the weird part cause I was still in the passenger seat, I often have dreams where I am driving a car and realize I am in the backseat and can not do it if I can not get over the seat to the brake)) we drove down these long winding country roads that reminded me of driving around in Iowa until we got to this farm where my partners had a backhoe and had dug up a huge stump and there was an 8 ft deep hole.
I told him I wanted info and that in the hole was a pine box and if he told me I would kill him before putting him in the box but if he didn't we would seal him in and the paralyzing effect would wear off about 15 mins before the air but feel free to try to dig out, I told him that I had seen pictures of people who were buried alive and that they had clawed until their fingers were worn to the bone and that I figured it was human instinct even when they knew it would do no good, and how much damage did he think he could do in 15 mins?
The entire in my dream I was calm and cold like something from a weird movie.
So I get the info (don't remember what it was, it was like a cut away in a movie) and he looks at me when he admits he had killed 30 people and asked how many have you killed and I said You are the first but with your info you wont be the last.
After I have the info I have the guys drag him over to the hole and I tell him I want him to see something and he looks down in the hole and says "there is no box"
I reach up and stick him with another syringe and say so sue me I lied.
He falls in the hole and aspirates ((in my dream I was wanted to make damn sure he was dead and aspiration means your lungs have turned to goo)) and I have the guys pour a gallon of quicklime on him and then bury him... Making sure a half foot of gravel is under him first and then have them put the stump back on the new dirt and tell the guys if anyone asked that they are going to haul it away when they finish all the stumps in the field.
We take his truck, clean it out and drive it to a strip club and leave the keys in it so it will get stolen... Then I wake up
Don't ask me why I have dreams like this.
I had infiltrated a group like the neo Nazis who were terrorist types and I had been found out and this man was driving me in the front of a covered pickup truck
((before the truck I remember getting this girl who was forced to live there or risk her family out of there and I remember looking at these insignias on the wall and thinking how odd they were beaded with seed beads...LOL dream stuff))
This man in the pickup was taking me to a slaughter house they used to cover their murders and he was trying to act like it was not happening so he could get me there without me freaking. He did not realize that I knew of this place so I asked him where we were going and he mumbled Caldwell (it is a city near here and I don't know if it has slaughter house)
In my dream I first put my hand on the back of his neck like I would force him to do something and then I thought "wait that wont work" and changed things so I had a preloaded microsyringe and put it in his neck and forced him to pull over before he got paralyzed. We pulled over next to this cemetery out a ways from town, the kind where they use ground markers instead of stones.
I told him that this stuff had paralyzed him from the neck down then I drove him out in the country ((this is the weird part cause I was still in the passenger seat, I often have dreams where I am driving a car and realize I am in the backseat and can not do it if I can not get over the seat to the brake)) we drove down these long winding country roads that reminded me of driving around in Iowa until we got to this farm where my partners had a backhoe and had dug up a huge stump and there was an 8 ft deep hole.
I told him I wanted info and that in the hole was a pine box and if he told me I would kill him before putting him in the box but if he didn't we would seal him in and the paralyzing effect would wear off about 15 mins before the air but feel free to try to dig out, I told him that I had seen pictures of people who were buried alive and that they had clawed until their fingers were worn to the bone and that I figured it was human instinct even when they knew it would do no good, and how much damage did he think he could do in 15 mins?
The entire in my dream I was calm and cold like something from a weird movie.
So I get the info (don't remember what it was, it was like a cut away in a movie) and he looks at me when he admits he had killed 30 people and asked how many have you killed and I said You are the first but with your info you wont be the last.
After I have the info I have the guys drag him over to the hole and I tell him I want him to see something and he looks down in the hole and says "there is no box"
I reach up and stick him with another syringe and say so sue me I lied.
He falls in the hole and aspirates ((in my dream I was wanted to make damn sure he was dead and aspiration means your lungs have turned to goo)) and I have the guys pour a gallon of quicklime on him and then bury him... Making sure a half foot of gravel is under him first and then have them put the stump back on the new dirt and tell the guys if anyone asked that they are going to haul it away when they finish all the stumps in the field.
We take his truck, clean it out and drive it to a strip club and leave the keys in it so it will get stolen... Then I wake up
Don't ask me why I have dreams like this.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Almost Infamous?
Someone in Dim chat Asked if I was the "famous MsXXL"
I told him that no I was the INFAMOUS MsXXL and that soon they would be making a Movie about me called ALMOST INFAMOUS.
Then of course I went to one of my top 20 sites Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary and looked up Infamous :
Main Entry: in·fa·mous
Pronunciation: 'in-f&-m&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin infamis, from in- + fama fame
1 : having a reputation of the worst kind
2 : causing or bringing infamy : DISGRACEFUL
3 : convicted of an offense bringing infamy
OK so maybe I am not really Infamous.... Though I am sure I could be with a little work.
No i think instead I am aiming more at being "The Notorious MsXXL"
Main Entry: no·to·ri·ous
Pronunciation: nO-'tOr-E-&s, n&-, -'tor-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin notorius, from Late Latin notorium information, indictment, from Latin noscere to come to know -- more at KNOW
: generally known and talked of;
This one adds a certain degree of wildness to famous
But more likely I am "The Noted MsXXL" ((NOTED suggesting well-deserved public attention ))
Cause heaven knows I am niether EMINENT ((impling even greater prominence for outstanding quality or character)) or ILLUSTRIOUS ((Having enduring honor and glory attached to a deed or person))
Ok what I am is bored and tired and a little slap happy so I am going to bed
I told him that no I was the INFAMOUS MsXXL and that soon they would be making a Movie about me called ALMOST INFAMOUS.
Then of course I went to one of my top 20 sites Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary and looked up Infamous :
Main Entry: in·fa·mous
Pronunciation: 'in-f&-m&s
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin infamis, from in- + fama fame
1 : having a reputation of the worst kind
2 : causing or bringing infamy : DISGRACEFUL
3 : convicted of an offense bringing infamy
OK so maybe I am not really Infamous.... Though I am sure I could be with a little work.
No i think instead I am aiming more at being "The Notorious MsXXL"
Main Entry: no·to·ri·ous
Pronunciation: nO-'tOr-E-&s, n&-, -'tor-
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin notorius, from Late Latin notorium information, indictment, from Latin noscere to come to know -- more at KNOW
: generally known and talked of;
This one adds a certain degree of wildness to famous
But more likely I am "The Noted MsXXL" ((NOTED suggesting well-deserved public attention ))
Cause heaven knows I am niether EMINENT ((impling even greater prominence for outstanding quality or character)) or ILLUSTRIOUS ((Having enduring honor and glory attached to a deed or person))
Ok what I am is bored and tired and a little slap happy so I am going to bed
Saturday, April 24, 2004
A picture of war
During the Vietnam war one of the images that stuck with people the most was dozens and dozens of flag draped coffins being loaded off of planes. Those images on the nightly news probably had one of the strongest effects of getting the average American to disapprove of that war and while those who marched in the streets made a big change it was the average American making their opinion clear that truly got us out of Vietnam.
In 1991 we were involved in the Gulf War (I do not call it the first gulf war since what we are dealing with now is the Invasion of Iraq, NOT the same thing where in 91 many gulf nations were deeply involved) Or as it is also known 'The Blackout War'
Unlike anytime before or thankfully since the US government lead by BushI played a game of marketing... They blacked out the news coverage stating that it was to protect the solders and while I agree there are cases where that is necessary they pretty much blocked out EVERY bit of news so that journalists had to go into Iraq to post their stories. But beyond the blackouts there was the 'Yellow Ribbon Mind Control' idea.
Sadly many solders coming home from Vietnam faced a lot of hassles from those who disapproved of the war but the BushI people used this to control a nation.
They started right away with fly a yellow ribbon canpange and just as quickly started a barrage of statements on how anyone Not approving of the war was against the solders and that to do so would be the same as spitting on them. And the sickening thing is the way the US public backed down.
We do not see as much of the yellow ribbon mind control compaine these days though the government is sure trying to control the image of this war. People now realize they can protest the war without insulting the people who are forced to serve.
But the Government is still trying.. in 1991 a law was passed that no photos could be taken of the flag draped coffins of solders while in transit. This is why many news shows instead show the actual funerals of solders, families are allowing those images to go out. You have to wonder if the BushII regime is so confident about their stance why do they continue to try so hard to control the image of the war?
With news agencies from around the world in Iraq they are having a harder time, the people and media will not stand for a blackout situation but still the governmental spin doctors are trying their damnedest.
Recently a woman and her husband were fired because she took photos of flag draped coffins, how sad that people have to loose their livelihood to show the truth, especially considering the fact that thanks to BushII the job market is bad enough that people are willing to work in a war zone and face death just to pay the bills.
Link for the day
Wonderful collection of editorial Cartoons from around the world... updated daily
On my Desktop
For years now the desk top of my computer has been different pics from the website of my dad's research foundation GARF
There are many amazing photos there both smaller photos and those intended for desktops which are HUGE and amazingly clear.
Here is a smaller version of one of their desktop Photos that is on my desktop right now
Here is the link to that pic
There are many amazing photos there both smaller photos and those intended for desktops which are HUGE and amazingly clear.
Here is a smaller version of one of their desktop Photos that is on my desktop right now
Here is the link to that pic
Friday, April 23, 2004
They screwed up my net-radio
Dont you hate when you really like something the way it is and then they go and fuck it up all to hell?
Here i was just this week bragging on how great Spinner (radio@netscape) is and they go and redesign it horribly.
Now you can only have 5 preset stations instead of 30 and I hate the format and to be honest I dont think it sounds as good.... either I am imagining it or they are sending the music at a lower bitrate causing it to sound a bit tinny.
Damn I really liked it the way it was.
Here i was just this week bragging on how great Spinner (radio@netscape) is and they go and redesign it horribly.
Now you can only have 5 preset stations instead of 30 and I hate the format and to be honest I dont think it sounds as good.... either I am imagining it or they are sending the music at a lower bitrate causing it to sound a bit tinny.
Damn I really liked it the way it was.
Question #1
How did you get into Goth?
This actually goes back to the 80s when I was into what was then called Death Metal which was at least where I live more of a dark punk scene, Most of the music was still squarely in the early punk genre but the mood was a bit darker... fashions were just starting to get darker and more exotic. It is wrong to say that goth is just wearing black clothing and dying your hair black.
There is a wide range of styles of goth and I am more into the theatrical classic goth with a strong dose of Perky or Glitter Goth mixed in.
The only reason I do not wear goth inspired clothing all the time is the lack of availability in my size (28-34) and the cost of buying them pre-made. I make most of my goth type clothing myself.
I have a pretty dark sence of humor and I am a total night owl, I have an odd way of looking at the world and a interest in the exotic... for me these add up to an interest in goth.
Any more questions on a different topic?
This actually goes back to the 80s when I was into what was then called Death Metal which was at least where I live more of a dark punk scene, Most of the music was still squarely in the early punk genre but the mood was a bit darker... fashions were just starting to get darker and more exotic. It is wrong to say that goth is just wearing black clothing and dying your hair black.
There is a wide range of styles of goth and I am more into the theatrical classic goth with a strong dose of Perky or Glitter Goth mixed in.
The only reason I do not wear goth inspired clothing all the time is the lack of availability in my size (28-34) and the cost of buying them pre-made. I make most of my goth type clothing myself.
I have a pretty dark sence of humor and I am a total night owl, I have an odd way of looking at the world and a interest in the exotic... for me these add up to an interest in goth.
Any more questions on a different topic?
Any Ideas???
Ok so here I am just rambling along writing about any old thing that comes to mind and I have to wonder do you all have any QUESTIONS for me, stuff you want to know about or even just topics you would like to know what I think about them.
Feel free to tell me in the comments section and I will try to address them as quickly as I can
Feel free to tell me in the comments section and I will try to address them as quickly as I can
Lust Alert
I have recently realized that other then Chris Issak all the men I am lusting after right now are on S-F Shows.... what does that say about me??
There is Steve Bacic (Telemachus Rhade) on Andromedia
Dark, intense and muscular... a hint of danger
There is also Connor Trinneer ("Trip" Tucker) on Enterprise
He has that Boy next door thing... if your next door to a galactic expanse
Then there is Corin Nemec (Jonas Quinn) in SG1
Dont ask me why I think he is hot, maybe is a hang over from watching Parker Lewis can't lose forever ago.
SIGH fictional men are SOOO much easier to lust after. I will have to keep my eyes open for more lustworthy guys out there.
There is Steve Bacic (Telemachus Rhade) on Andromedia
Dark, intense and muscular... a hint of danger
There is also Connor Trinneer ("Trip" Tucker) on Enterprise
He has that Boy next door thing... if your next door to a galactic expanse
Then there is Corin Nemec (Jonas Quinn) in SG1
Dont ask me why I think he is hot, maybe is a hang over from watching Parker Lewis can't lose forever ago.
SIGH fictional men are SOOO much easier to lust after. I will have to keep my eyes open for more lustworthy guys out there.
A recent chat
This was what we were chatting about in Dim Chat just now
Deepwater- Is it true that Nice Guys finish last?
-MsXXL- deep nice guys ALWAYS finish last... that is why they are nice... they wait for you to finish first... and if they are REALLY nice they let you finish TWICE
-Deepwater- Twice? That's all?
-MsXXL- at a minimum
-Len1- ok T'rina just described our fantasy date, lol
-MsXXL- Of course if they are REALLY nice they cuddle for a bit, start all over then after you pass out they go clean the house
-MsXXL- NOW I just described MY fantasy date
-Len1- omg *swoon*
-Deepwater- OH! Sounds like heaven!
-Len1- wait, clean the house?
OH WELL a girl can dream
Deepwater- Is it true that Nice Guys finish last?
-MsXXL- deep nice guys ALWAYS finish last... that is why they are nice... they wait for you to finish first... and if they are REALLY nice they let you finish TWICE
-Deepwater- Twice? That's all?
-MsXXL- at a minimum
-Len1- ok T'rina just described our fantasy date, lol
-MsXXL- Of course if they are REALLY nice they cuddle for a bit, start all over then after you pass out they go clean the house
-MsXXL- NOW I just described MY fantasy date
-Len1- omg *swoon*
-Deepwater- OH! Sounds like heaven!
-Len1- wait, clean the house?
OH WELL a girl can dream
Thursday night
I went downtown at about 11pm last night just to see what was going on at the spur of the moment, I had intended to go to Sonic and get a strawberry lemonaid but decided after I got in the van to head downtown for a pita.
I am trying to eat better so instead of a charizo I went to the pita pit and ordered one with onions, green peppers, lettuce, tomatoes and mushrooms with a little bit of black forest ham. They are really yummy but a bit hard to eat.
I went down to see if any of my friends were hanging out down there but there really were not too many out, it may be better on the weekend but Boise is pretty dead on weeknights. I love it here but sometimes I get really sick of the only thing thee is to do is go to bars or do sports. I would like Boise to get more variety in the things going on without getting too much bigger.
I am trying to eat better so instead of a charizo I went to the pita pit and ordered one with onions, green peppers, lettuce, tomatoes and mushrooms with a little bit of black forest ham. They are really yummy but a bit hard to eat.
I went down to see if any of my friends were hanging out down there but there really were not too many out, it may be better on the weekend but Boise is pretty dead on weeknights. I love it here but sometimes I get really sick of the only thing thee is to do is go to bars or do sports. I would like Boise to get more variety in the things going on without getting too much bigger.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
EARTH DAY
Oh man what an amazing spring morning... As usual my schedule is all off and I am still up from late last night but it is fine since yesterdays rain storms have left the air so clear.
Just about everything is in bloom, the air is crisp (a bit chilly but wonderful) and the light is amazing. The red of the leaves of the tree outside my window look almost orange in this light.
Just about everything is in bloom, the air is crisp (a bit chilly but wonderful) and the light is amazing. The red of the leaves of the tree outside my window look almost orange in this light.
compu clean up
I had to get a DSL modem and I dont trust it as much as I did my old one I dont think it has the same quality of firewalls
Anyway ever since I loaded it I have been having a really hard time with the computer locking up and slowing down and some horrible scumwear taking over pages
Anyway I decided to run AdAware and found 72 parts of spy and ad wear on my computer then my friend Scott suggested I check for the newest update.
Well Ad-aware Plus v6.0 found 442 bits of ad and spy wear on my computer and so I also downloaded Spybot Search and Destroy v1.2 which found another 40 to 50 parts.
I got them both free at PCWorld.com along with Pop-up Blocker and Browser Hijack Blaster v1.0 which is suppose to stop sites from hijacking your start up page.
All of these are freewear, I also use DiscKeeper Lite to defrag.
I am hoping along with the extra firewall protection I can keep this poor old comp running a bit more.
Anyway ever since I loaded it I have been having a really hard time with the computer locking up and slowing down and some horrible scumwear taking over pages
Anyway I decided to run AdAware and found 72 parts of spy and ad wear on my computer then my friend Scott suggested I check for the newest update.
Well Ad-aware Plus v6.0 found 442 bits of ad and spy wear on my computer and so I also downloaded Spybot Search and Destroy v1.2 which found another 40 to 50 parts.
I got them both free at PCWorld.com along with Pop-up Blocker and Browser Hijack Blaster v1.0 which is suppose to stop sites from hijacking your start up page.
All of these are freewear, I also use DiscKeeper Lite to defrag.
I am hoping along with the extra firewall protection I can keep this poor old comp running a bit more.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
www.spinner.com
I love this service... you need DSL or better but if you do have it then Spinner is pretty much the best radio program on the Internet
It has dozens and dozens of stations and you can select about 30 or 40 to be on your top favorites list so that they are ready for you at anytime and you can change the order of them when you want. The best thing about this service is that you can be listening to jazz one moment then change channels to alternate or trance or comedy without having to listen to a lot of ads.
My top favorite stations right now are (in the order they are right now):
Female Focus
All Blues
Diana Krall Djs
AlternativeMix
90s Alternative
Top Alternative
Gothic
Awesome 80s
Top Dance
Gay Pride
Comedy Corner
Laugh Trax
Electric Blues
Top Blues
All Jazz
Jazz Singers
80s Alternative
Trance
Ambient
Showtunes
Movie Scores
Nature Sounds
Hard Rock
Lounge
Top Classical
Classical 101
The Piano
Super 70s
Acoustic Rock
Adult Rock
Celtic
Rockabilly
New Age
1 hit wonders
Melancholia
Psychedelic
Big Band/Swing
Michel Branch Djs
Surf
It has dozens and dozens of stations and you can select about 30 or 40 to be on your top favorites list so that they are ready for you at anytime and you can change the order of them when you want. The best thing about this service is that you can be listening to jazz one moment then change channels to alternate or trance or comedy without having to listen to a lot of ads.
My top favorite stations right now are (in the order they are right now):
Female Focus
All Blues
Diana Krall Djs
AlternativeMix
90s Alternative
Top Alternative
Gothic
Awesome 80s
Top Dance
Gay Pride
Comedy Corner
Laugh Trax
Electric Blues
Top Blues
All Jazz
Jazz Singers
80s Alternative
Trance
Ambient
Showtunes
Movie Scores
Nature Sounds
Hard Rock
Lounge
Top Classical
Classical 101
The Piano
Super 70s
Acoustic Rock
Adult Rock
Celtic
Rockabilly
New Age
1 hit wonders
Melancholia
Psychedelic
Big Band/Swing
Michel Branch Djs
Surf
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Saturday Morning downtown
I was up all night reading and got about an hour sleep before my mom called at 9 am to see if I wanted to go get breakfast.... well I seldom pass up a free breakfast or a chance to visit with my mom so I got up and went to pick her up.
She was in the mood for coffee and scones but most of the places we wanted to go downtown were either not open yet or so crowded that my mom would not stay... she is very high strung and hates crowds with a passion, she has mellowed out a lot but it use to make going to the grocery store with her a very stressful time cause you would be waiting for her to freak out.
Anyway we parked in the main parking garage in the center of downtown hoping this one restaraunt that is attached to it would be serving breakfast but no such luck.
the cool thing was they were having a street market outside and we had a chance to wander around a bit then go down the street to this old fashion place called Moon's Cafe... most of their tables are these LONG tressle tables and you just join whoever is sitting there sort of like in school
We went back to the market and got a bag of fresh kettle corn and looked at some of the really intersting stuff there including art... A good way to get motivated.
My mom and I had a nice visit, a chance to talk about politics and a nice walk.
She was in the mood for coffee and scones but most of the places we wanted to go downtown were either not open yet or so crowded that my mom would not stay... she is very high strung and hates crowds with a passion, she has mellowed out a lot but it use to make going to the grocery store with her a very stressful time cause you would be waiting for her to freak out.
Anyway we parked in the main parking garage in the center of downtown hoping this one restaraunt that is attached to it would be serving breakfast but no such luck.
the cool thing was they were having a street market outside and we had a chance to wander around a bit then go down the street to this old fashion place called Moon's Cafe... most of their tables are these LONG tressle tables and you just join whoever is sitting there sort of like in school
We went back to the market and got a bag of fresh kettle corn and looked at some of the really intersting stuff there including art... A good way to get motivated.
My mom and I had a nice visit, a chance to talk about politics and a nice walk.
Nothing much going on...
I have just been enjoying a little relaxation with no real stress...
Sigh, it has taken a month but on the 19th I should be able to get back my DSL, Maybe I am better off without since I have not been interested in being on line much with the 56k connection slowing me down.
I have been on a reading binge for weeks now, I am talking about reading for 8 to 14 hours a day and going through about two books a day or more... thank heavens for public library's and cheap book sales. I will literally read until I am cross eyed, have a headache and a back ache and then sleep a while and start over.
I am honestly addicted to reading, it is the one place I can totally loose myself
Dad gave me 20 or so pounds of bulk costume jewelry to sort and sale.... I now have an entire sandwich ziplock of mismatched earrings...LOL and three smaller bags of matched pairs.
I have kept most of the broken necklaces and beads and may end up doing an art project with them.
Last night I baked a 7.49 pound turkey breast in the oven at the new place and even though it was half frozen it cooked up just fine and in the right amount of time..... considering I never did get the 4.5 pound thawed chicken to fully cook in the oven at my old place (even after 5 hours) I am thrilled to know this one works.
Sigh, it has taken a month but on the 19th I should be able to get back my DSL, Maybe I am better off without since I have not been interested in being on line much with the 56k connection slowing me down.
I have been on a reading binge for weeks now, I am talking about reading for 8 to 14 hours a day and going through about two books a day or more... thank heavens for public library's and cheap book sales. I will literally read until I am cross eyed, have a headache and a back ache and then sleep a while and start over.
I am honestly addicted to reading, it is the one place I can totally loose myself
Dad gave me 20 or so pounds of bulk costume jewelry to sort and sale.... I now have an entire sandwich ziplock of mismatched earrings...LOL and three smaller bags of matched pairs.
I have kept most of the broken necklaces and beads and may end up doing an art project with them.
Last night I baked a 7.49 pound turkey breast in the oven at the new place and even though it was half frozen it cooked up just fine and in the right amount of time..... considering I never did get the 4.5 pound thawed chicken to fully cook in the oven at my old place (even after 5 hours) I am thrilled to know this one works.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Hair hell
I am really hating my hair... I can not get the red to stay the color I want... It is the hardest color to maintain.
and washing it with dish soap did NOT help at all, it stripped a lot of the color out
Did I mention why that happened?... Since I have moved into this new place I have not finished unpacking and even though I have at LEAST 4 bottles of really good shampoo I simply can not find it. I got desperate and washed my hair ((which Needed it so bad)) with dish soap...bad idea, I have finally found a little hotel size bottle from the Excelsior in New York from a while back and even after using that I depressed with the color an texture.
Anyway I have been joking that I need to shave it all off and start from Brunett... I mean scratch.
So in an effort to do something different I decided to streak it...using Herbal essance highlights.
Right now it is too wet to see how it came out but I know for a fact I chose too light a color....SIGH
and washing it with dish soap did NOT help at all, it stripped a lot of the color out
Did I mention why that happened?... Since I have moved into this new place I have not finished unpacking and even though I have at LEAST 4 bottles of really good shampoo I simply can not find it. I got desperate and washed my hair ((which Needed it so bad)) with dish soap...bad idea, I have finally found a little hotel size bottle from the Excelsior in New York from a while back and even after using that I depressed with the color an texture.
Anyway I have been joking that I need to shave it all off and start from Brunett... I mean scratch.
So in an effort to do something different I decided to streak it...using Herbal essance highlights.
Right now it is too wet to see how it came out but I know for a fact I chose too light a color....SIGH
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
nice days
I had a couple really great days Sunday and Monday.
Sunday
Woke up about midnight, my sleep is still so off it is pitiful.
Yacked on line for a while and then decided to go shopping before wal-mart got bad, I probably would not buy groceries from there but they are they the only ones in town who carry the whole wheat egg noodles I like, I also like their frozen veg, good price and the right size of cuts. I have learned though that I just need to NOT stock up on deli meats, if I want them I need to get like 1/4 pound not a pound cause I will go through them way too fast.
I was home by 8:30 and I called my mom, she is always up early and had Sunday off so I wanted to pay her back for helping me move and clean while I was sick. There is an upscale catering place with a little restaurant attached that she likes called Berryhill and Co.
We went over there at about 9:30 and they had tables set up on the sidewalk and even though it was early and a little nippy the breeze was blocked and the day just beautiful so we sat out there and had coffee and breakfast. I wont be having foccasia bread on my sandwiches again at least not there, they had a really nice curry chicken sandwich but the bread kind of ruined it by being both the wrong texture and flavor. I snagged a piece of bread off moms plate and ate the filling open faced.
I then went over to the dollar store bought a few things for the house and then Finally took my laundry over to my grandmas. In the old place I had a Big meter tall plastic laundry hamper so I would get it totally packed down with laundry and sometimes even have big bags full more. I have decided that with the steps here I need to stay on top of the laundry better so I bought a little folding hamper that just holds one mesh laundry bag, it fits in the closet with the water heater perfectly and should be easy to carry upstairs when Ido laundry.
Anyway grandma was out when I got there and loaded up the washer and took my book into the back yard and read for a while till she came home and we chatted and did laundry for a nice long time. The weather was wonderful.
Monday
I really did not do much on Monday.
I my bedroom windows have blinds on them but since it faces sunset even the blinds don't darken it enough to sleep in the evenings like I have been.
I bought some upholstery material to make simple curtains with, shiny back with very simple golden dragon flies on it. I also bought three yards of the most amazing gold curtain sheers for the ceiling and wall over my bed. I put them up with the staple gun (like I said very simple) and it looks great.
The only problem is I ran out of staples and can not find them in the boxes that are still packed... I need to redo the sheer since I put it up too loose. If I tighten it up it will be great and cover the ceiling right over the bed, the light fixture (a BIG white globe) and will come down the wall behind my bed just as far as my pillows usually reach.
Even though the material cost quite a bit I figure ti si a simple easy way to decorate with out doing anything permeant.
Grandma and I went to the lone star grill and had an afternoon snack of Sweet potatoes. I also had a bowl of their very good french onion soup.. You just can get a decent french onion soup in a can and it is a bit more work then I want to go to to make some just for me.
Last night we finally had a serious thunder storm and it rained like crazy, I had my windows open and listened to it till it faded away. We suffer so bad here with droughts and having had an early spring which is hell on the snow pack we need all the rain we can get.
I HATE when in the summer when it has been dry for months and everything that is not irrigated within an inch of it life is dying you will get weather men saying "Oh well don't worry those clouds coming in this evening will not be bringing any rain so it will be another great day tomorrow" They were saying that last summer when we had less then 2% of the main reservoir outside of town filled (this is behind a dam that is 300+ feet deep in places) the only advantage to it is they were able to dredge a bit behind it and they found the remains of a guy who drove in to it 5 years ago. Too damn many people coming here from out of state and looking at the green city in the valley and closing their eyes to the fact we live in a DESERT... that the only reason Boise is green is because we irrigate and get our drinking water from reservoirs.
Oh well maybe we will not have 35 strait days of temps over 95* again this year (17 in a row of those over 100) we also had like 40 days with now rain of any kind last summer. I hope it is a little wetter this year.
Sunday
Woke up about midnight, my sleep is still so off it is pitiful.
Yacked on line for a while and then decided to go shopping before wal-mart got bad, I probably would not buy groceries from there but they are they the only ones in town who carry the whole wheat egg noodles I like, I also like their frozen veg, good price and the right size of cuts. I have learned though that I just need to NOT stock up on deli meats, if I want them I need to get like 1/4 pound not a pound cause I will go through them way too fast.
I was home by 8:30 and I called my mom, she is always up early and had Sunday off so I wanted to pay her back for helping me move and clean while I was sick. There is an upscale catering place with a little restaurant attached that she likes called Berryhill and Co.
We went over there at about 9:30 and they had tables set up on the sidewalk and even though it was early and a little nippy the breeze was blocked and the day just beautiful so we sat out there and had coffee and breakfast. I wont be having foccasia bread on my sandwiches again at least not there, they had a really nice curry chicken sandwich but the bread kind of ruined it by being both the wrong texture and flavor. I snagged a piece of bread off moms plate and ate the filling open faced.
I then went over to the dollar store bought a few things for the house and then Finally took my laundry over to my grandmas. In the old place I had a Big meter tall plastic laundry hamper so I would get it totally packed down with laundry and sometimes even have big bags full more. I have decided that with the steps here I need to stay on top of the laundry better so I bought a little folding hamper that just holds one mesh laundry bag, it fits in the closet with the water heater perfectly and should be easy to carry upstairs when Ido laundry.
Anyway grandma was out when I got there and loaded up the washer and took my book into the back yard and read for a while till she came home and we chatted and did laundry for a nice long time. The weather was wonderful.
Monday
I really did not do much on Monday.
I my bedroom windows have blinds on them but since it faces sunset even the blinds don't darken it enough to sleep in the evenings like I have been.
I bought some upholstery material to make simple curtains with, shiny back with very simple golden dragon flies on it. I also bought three yards of the most amazing gold curtain sheers for the ceiling and wall over my bed. I put them up with the staple gun (like I said very simple) and it looks great.
The only problem is I ran out of staples and can not find them in the boxes that are still packed... I need to redo the sheer since I put it up too loose. If I tighten it up it will be great and cover the ceiling right over the bed, the light fixture (a BIG white globe) and will come down the wall behind my bed just as far as my pillows usually reach.
Even though the material cost quite a bit I figure ti si a simple easy way to decorate with out doing anything permeant.
Grandma and I went to the lone star grill and had an afternoon snack of Sweet potatoes. I also had a bowl of their very good french onion soup.. You just can get a decent french onion soup in a can and it is a bit more work then I want to go to to make some just for me.
Last night we finally had a serious thunder storm and it rained like crazy, I had my windows open and listened to it till it faded away. We suffer so bad here with droughts and having had an early spring which is hell on the snow pack we need all the rain we can get.
I HATE when in the summer when it has been dry for months and everything that is not irrigated within an inch of it life is dying you will get weather men saying "Oh well don't worry those clouds coming in this evening will not be bringing any rain so it will be another great day tomorrow" They were saying that last summer when we had less then 2% of the main reservoir outside of town filled (this is behind a dam that is 300+ feet deep in places) the only advantage to it is they were able to dredge a bit behind it and they found the remains of a guy who drove in to it 5 years ago. Too damn many people coming here from out of state and looking at the green city in the valley and closing their eyes to the fact we live in a DESERT... that the only reason Boise is green is because we irrigate and get our drinking water from reservoirs.
Oh well maybe we will not have 35 strait days of temps over 95* again this year (17 in a row of those over 100) we also had like 40 days with now rain of any kind last summer. I hope it is a little wetter this year.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
eating right
Having lived more then half my life with serious stomach problems which I know are not exclusively due to my gallbladder I am finally making a serious effort to change how I eat.
I am really planning on this being a life change, since I have been eating whole foods, not eating hardly any packaged foods and trying to eat healthier when I go out I have felt a ton better. I am not really worried about losing weight, if it happens it happens but I am worried about being healthy, where I live now I get a lot more exercise. I literally gave away three grocery bags FULL of food I do not want in the house any more, packaged pasta and sauce mixes, packaged rice mixes, instant oatmeal which has so much sweeteners it is not worth it, I will buy the 5 minute stuff. I gave away canned stuff that was really processed and full of fat and salt.
So this month I am having t restock the new place with stuff like brown rice, whole wheat breads, frozen veg, fresh and canned fruit and spices and some non fattening sauces I can use on stuff.
Here is something I wrote about what I am trying to do food wise
Sometimes it does not take a HUGE change to make a lot of difference in your health.
change the oils you use to olive, cannola or peanut (these are for cooking and for making your own salad dressing... flaxseed oil is a wonder but can not be cooked, it makes a great salad dressing you make at the time... oil, herbs and vinegar and/or lemon juice))
Monounsaturated Fats Info
Cut back on the size of servings of meat you eat.... meat should be a side dish, each serving 3 to 4 ounces (about the size of deck of regular playing cards) eat more lean meat, chicken, fish (especially tuna and salmon.. canned tuna is often lower in mercury since they use the smaller fish and smoked salmon is great as well try to get at least 3 or 4 servings a week) and the occasional lean cut of red meat
Meat_And_Poultry Info
Cut back on deep fried foods... the fats in them are almost always saturated fats and since they are kept at high temps for hours at a time they break down to an even worse state. Once in a long while will not kill you off but on a regular basis it is very hard on your body... if you mst deep fry at home at least you will know how old the oil is ... use peanut oil, and dont use the same oil too many time, each time straining it then refrigerating it.
Deep frying info
Increase the amount of vegetables you eat... fresh or only lightly cooked vegetables have all kinds of health benefit. Iceberg lettuce has next to no health value but other leafy veg does, try mixing fresh spinach with dark varieties of lettuce in a salad, add grated carrots, fresh peas, some tomatoes and use a light dressing. A really quick and easy veg dish is to take a variety of fresh/frozen bagged veg and mix them together in a small pan and heat with a light sauce like homemade salad dressings
Vegtables
change from eating white or low fiber bread to eating a whole fiber bread... some varieties include hunter grain, 7 grain and honey wheat. these are often a little higher in calories a slice but the added health benefits are worth 20 to 40 cals a slice.
high-fiber Info
it may sound like a lot but the fact is you can make these changes a bit at a time and eventually you will find you enjoy them more and more and that it is easier to eat healthy most of the time and to view less healthy foods as an occasional treat not a way of life.
I am really planning on this being a life change, since I have been eating whole foods, not eating hardly any packaged foods and trying to eat healthier when I go out I have felt a ton better. I am not really worried about losing weight, if it happens it happens but I am worried about being healthy, where I live now I get a lot more exercise. I literally gave away three grocery bags FULL of food I do not want in the house any more, packaged pasta and sauce mixes, packaged rice mixes, instant oatmeal which has so much sweeteners it is not worth it, I will buy the 5 minute stuff. I gave away canned stuff that was really processed and full of fat and salt.
So this month I am having t restock the new place with stuff like brown rice, whole wheat breads, frozen veg, fresh and canned fruit and spices and some non fattening sauces I can use on stuff.
Here is something I wrote about what I am trying to do food wise
Sometimes it does not take a HUGE change to make a lot of difference in your health.
change the oils you use to olive, cannola or peanut (these are for cooking and for making your own salad dressing... flaxseed oil is a wonder but can not be cooked, it makes a great salad dressing you make at the time... oil, herbs and vinegar and/or lemon juice))
Monounsaturated Fats Info
Cut back on the size of servings of meat you eat.... meat should be a side dish, each serving 3 to 4 ounces (about the size of deck of regular playing cards) eat more lean meat, chicken, fish (especially tuna and salmon.. canned tuna is often lower in mercury since they use the smaller fish and smoked salmon is great as well try to get at least 3 or 4 servings a week) and the occasional lean cut of red meat
Meat_And_Poultry Info
Cut back on deep fried foods... the fats in them are almost always saturated fats and since they are kept at high temps for hours at a time they break down to an even worse state. Once in a long while will not kill you off but on a regular basis it is very hard on your body... if you mst deep fry at home at least you will know how old the oil is ... use peanut oil, and dont use the same oil too many time, each time straining it then refrigerating it.
Deep frying info
Increase the amount of vegetables you eat... fresh or only lightly cooked vegetables have all kinds of health benefit. Iceberg lettuce has next to no health value but other leafy veg does, try mixing fresh spinach with dark varieties of lettuce in a salad, add grated carrots, fresh peas, some tomatoes and use a light dressing. A really quick and easy veg dish is to take a variety of fresh/frozen bagged veg and mix them together in a small pan and heat with a light sauce like homemade salad dressings
Vegtables
change from eating white or low fiber bread to eating a whole fiber bread... some varieties include hunter grain, 7 grain and honey wheat. these are often a little higher in calories a slice but the added health benefits are worth 20 to 40 cals a slice.
high-fiber Info
it may sound like a lot but the fact is you can make these changes a bit at a time and eventually you will find you enjoy them more and more and that it is easier to eat healthy most of the time and to view less healthy foods as an occasional treat not a way of life.
