Standing on the Borderline ~ T'Rina / MsXXL

Friday I was suppose to go to a 9:15 physical therapy session but I had been sick to my tummy all night and could not stay asleep so I was exhausted when the alarm went off. Not a little tired, not even really sleepy, I was SICK tired, I could barely move and I felt like I was going to pass out. I was too afraid to try to drive like that.
*A* had gotten up at 6:30 and started to cuddle and play with my ear and I had to tell him that I had to get up in two hours so he lay there for the next 30 minutes twitching and tossing until I suggested he go in the front room and watch TV. Around 9 he told me he was going to the bookstore and I ended up sleeping until 11 and was eating a yogurt when he came back and asked me to go to The Pink Panther with him. We were the only people in the theater which is a good thing cause we were pretty silly watching the movie. It was like having a HUGE screen in your living room if your living room was really cold and had crummy seating.
After we got back he decided to go visit his family and I went to get a bagel with grandma. My favorite is a toasted onion bagel, a side of bacon and thin sliced tomatoes yum.
I hung out at home reading until around 8:30 when I went to Jeff and Marissas place, we were suppose to RPG Vampire Slayer but we ended up eating pizza and watching a VIVA LA BAM DVD then a episode of season 4 ANGEL.
Around 11:30 they wanted to go to the bar and I said ok even though my legs were killing me and I was so tired I was yawning my head off. Marissa went and got Danielle and then met me and Jeff at Mulligans. Jeff had given me $10 for driving Nadia around these last two weeks so I made a mistake and ordered a double rum and coke which was closer to a triple to be honest it was so strong. Instead of putting me in a better mood all it did was make me sleepier and ready to go home. It did not help that my knees were killing me and my feet itched so bad I was going nuts.
I use to have so much fun at Mulligans, Brandy and I use to go there and get shit faced drunk and be silly and laugh our heads off for hours and visit everyone. But I was not on meds back then, my arthritis had not hit so hard and I was not so damn tired all the time because I could sleep without pain. Now I just feel left out when I go there, everyone is busy talking to each other and I sort of join in but I always feel like I am on the outside of everything even when I am there with people.
Drinking just makes it more obvious to me that I am not really enjoying myself, I just dont see the point of drinking unless I am going to get seriously drunk and I (A) dont have the money to do that and (2) shouldnt do it cause of my meds. But that doesnt mean I am not tempted and that also just makes me sad.
Anyway I told everyone at 12:30 that I had to go and found out I had been volunteered to take Danielle home, which was no big deal since I had already asked her if she wanted to go when I went, but she had said no since I was planning on leaving early. I felt really bad that she had to leave early to get a ride with me but I just could not stay any longer without passing out and I wanted to get home before the double hit me so I left at 12:30.
I hate being such a wimp these days but considering how much pain meds I have to take to keep walking it is a miracle I could keep that drink down. I was asleep within an hour of getting home.
I also felt really bad because I only had $10 and I spent half of it on a damn drink I did not even enjoy. I hate being so broke. Jeff, Marissa and Danielle planned of going to a friend of ours to get their haircut on Saturday morning and even If I Had been invited and needed a haircut I cant afford one. All of my friends make at least twice what I make a month and even though they have a few more bills they all have a great deal more spending money then I do. I hate knowing that this month I have to catch up on some bills so I wont be able to spend any extra money after I see about getting some curtains for the bedroom and I can only do that if I can get them for under $20. I wont be eating any fast food which should help a lot but still I am just not going to have hardly any money next month after I get caught up.
How Depressing.

Currently listening: Strip By Adam Ant Release date: By 25 October, 1990

Mom called me Wednesday night and asked if I wanted to go out to breakfast on Thursday morning. She always says we should meet at 9am but she calls me at 8:30 each time telling me she is hungry and to hurry up. I am just going to start meeting her at 8:30 from now on.
I went and picked her up and we went to chefs hut for breakfast then checked out this book café place only to find out it was a Christian bookstore, so we did not stay.
I told mom about my physical therapy and how my shoes were not good for working out and that I wanted to try the New Balance store that just opened. They carry really wide shoes and I have not had a pair of shoes, any type of shoes, that have actually fit well in over a decade or two.
We drove way the hell out to the store and the guy measured my feet, they are just under a womans size 8 but I need a 9 or so to give my foot room. A lot of times to get them wide enough I end up wearing a womans 11 wide width. I found a pair that fit, they are mens 8 (4E width) but they are white so we also put in an order for a pair of black ones.
The shoes came to $104. I have never before had a pair that costly but the more I think about the more I am sure that wearing shoes where my feet have no support and where they slip around all these years has just made my knees worse.
I came home and *A* and I goofed off and then went shopping at the mall before going to Café Ole for lunch, I had a salad and Ice tea. We then went to Wal-Mart looking for old fashion band Ts for *A* but the only ones they had were womens with French cut sleeves (little cap sleeves) which is just stupid, if they had been uni-sex he would have bought one. Women will wear shirts designed for men but not the other way round.
We stopped by Hastings and I started reading a book of short stories then headed home to take a nap.
*A* had to go to a meeting Thursday night so I went over to Hastings and read more of the book then we hung out some more.
All together a pretty busy day for me.

Currently reading: Dead and Loving It By MaryJanice Davidson Release date: By 04 April, 2006

Wednesday morning I had my first physical therapy session with two very attractive guys, that didnt make it any less hard just a bit more enjoyable.
I had to get up extra early to get to Meridian for the appointment, thankfully the parking was better this time.
I showed them the X-Rays and we talked about my knees, he tested my flexibility in my neck and legs and said I am hyper flexible which means my joints turn a little too far which is why my knee hyper-extends so often. They tested my strength and were impressed by how strong my legs were, I rated a 4 and a 5 out of 5.
They showed me some exercises to do and had me work on a leg press, I can lift a lot but for the arthritis I am not suppose to allow my knee to hurt really badly so I was lifting only 15 pounds. Lower weights at longer holds.
They also had me doing leg presses at 70 pounds and working on my breathing. I then did the bike for a while but had more trouble with cramping in my feet then I had with pain in my knees, that might be because my shoes are too long for me since I have wide feet so we are going to go to the New Balance store that just opened here, they have sizes to 6 E.
The therapists decided to have me build up my stamina by working 3 days a week with a aquatic physical therapist for a month then coming back to them to try gym work again. I will be driving across town to get to a 10 am appointment every other morning or so but I know it will be good for me.
I came home from the appointment exhausted I could barely stay awake. I notice my throat glands are starting to swell so I wonder if I am getting a cold which would explain why I am so tired. My body always shuts downs a bit to heal itself.
After I had slept a while Danielle returned my call and we went to Café Ole where she bought us a variety platter. She came over here so I could give her a couple prints of some photos of her and Marissa then I dropped her off at home.
Other than that I pretty much just stayed in and watched TV until 11:20 or so when Marissa came by in her new car to pick up Nadias glasses which Na had left in my car yet again. Nadia likes to stick her head out the window and play doggy and bark at people. I think she is going to have to stop doing that since she keeps forgetting her glasses.
I have decided to get my Dr. to arrange for me to go see a dietitian in a few weeks. Until then I have decided that as of the first (Monday) I will give up fast food and pop for another month to see if I can do it. I am also going to include Ice Cream at fast food places in that.

Currently watching: Carlos Mencia: Not for the Easily Offended Release date: By 14 June, 2005

Last night I was having this weird anxiety attack, it was a tiny one but I could feel it brewing. I have started to recognize the feeling before I sleep that leads to the waking anxiety, the kind that wakes me out of a sound sleep with my heart racing and my breathing shallow.
I was exhausted, every time I sat up I almost fell asleep but every time I laid down I could not get close to sleep. I felt like my necklace was choking me so I had to take it off even though I sleep in it all the time. My stomach felt uneasy and I kept getting up and walking around in the hope it would settle.
Finally I found a mild tranquilizer that helped me sleep through the night, I seldom take them, I only get about 20 at a time and that usually lasts 3 or 4 months. It is just nice to know I have them for emergencies.
It is the same with Vicodin, I seldom take them unless I know I am going to be doing something like walking all over for Earth Day, then they let me function just enough to get through the day. They dont take away all of the pain, they just numb it enough where I can do stuff and not have to sit down all the time.

This morning I wake up to my Grandma calling me and telling me she had about an hour off if I wanted to go to Lunch with her. I told her I would meet her at Chefs Hut and got dressed. I really need to remember not to order the lunch specials, they are way, way too big, I never finish them and I always eat too much. I ordered a grilled pork chop and it came out with two BIG grilled chops, a side of veggies and a huge scoop of potatoes. Even though I did not eat my potatoes it was way too much food. From now on I think I will get my BLTB, Bacon Lettuce and Tomato on a Bagel.
Grandma and I went by Fred Meyers where I got 10 lite yogurts for $4. Their lite yogurt has 100 calories and no fat but it tastes ok, the regular yogurt is around 240 calories and has 30 to 40 cals of fat. I like to eat at least two yogurts a day so this way I can have them and not worry so much. It is so weird eating dairy again after having the gall bladder and diverticulitis problems for so many years and suffering so much pain when I ate dairy. I am sure I will slow down on eating dairy but it is such a treat.
I also bought two tiny starter house plants to add to one of mine, I use to have Ivy in the middle of the planter but I have never in my life been able to get it to grow right. I plan to buy a long thin window box planter from the dollar store, fill the bottom with pebbles and soil and get maybe 5 different starter plants (2 inch pots) to fill it up and put it in my computer room on the ledge near my window. The nice thing is it only takes little stuff like that to make me happy.

Currently listening: Oil & Gold By Shriekback Release date: By 15 June, 1990

Wow you can tell it is Spring now since it is getting busy on weekends.
My mom called last night and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast with her and my grandmother at 9am. I said sure and that I would be at her house by then. When I got up at 8:30 *A* said he was hungry so I called mom and asked if she minded him tagging along and she said no problem.
We went over and picked up my mom and dropped her off at my grandmothers around the block then headed over to get us a table at Chefs Hut. Mom and grandma showed up about 10 minutes later and we ordered, I had two toasted Onion bagels, one thing of cream cheese, a side of bacon and a side order of thin sliced tomatoes. I know people say Bagels have tons of calories but these ones only have 200 each and I figure compared to having 2 huge pieces of fried French toast, an order of bacon and a couple eggs it is better.
After we were all done eating Mom and Grandma went to the hospital to visit with Grandmas cousin and *A* and I went home and goofed around and took a quick nap. Mom called and grandma dropped her off at my house and we all loaded up and headed out to the Earth Fest at the park.
When we got there we did not see anything going on where they usually have it so we went downtown for the Saturday Market that is in the middle of everything. It covers 3 blocks of 8th street which is closed off on Saturdays. We got a small bag of Kettle corn and I got a small bag of the best dried apples I have ever had and wandered around looking at all the art and locally grown/made food and wines. It was a wonderful day near 70* and sunny with a bit of a breeze.
We were down there about 45 minutes, walking around, I took my dragon cane but all it really does is slow me down so I dont try to walk too fast and trip up. I am not use to it so it hurts my arm and hand a lot but I think I need to get a more plain one and keep it in the car for anytime I am going to be walking a lot. We had parked in the garage there and when we went to leave the elevator on the side we had parked was not working and I was starting to fade out a bit and did not want to walk around the other side of the building, go up that elevator and then walk all the way back across the building so *A* climbed the 3 flights of stairs and brought my van around. He is such a sweet guy, he is always asking what he can do to help me around the house and I do take him up on dumping the trash LOL
We drove over to the wild life center by Municipal park to see if they were having their Native Plant sale. Downtown Boise and the areas surrounding the river is full of 1000s of acres of park land and a really great greenbelt. We found the sale but it looked as if they were pretty much sold out but *A* got a chance to go look at the wild life center which is pretty interesting. My mom and I bought a brownie from the bake sale they were having and just relaxed in the sun waiting for him.
We decided to head home but went through the park to see if anything was happening and realized the Earthday Fest was being held near the back of the park not the park we had been in so we stopped by and *A* went to listen to music while Mom and I walked all over the place.
I am very proud of myself today, I managed to walk a lot (mind you I did take one of my last Vicoden before we went knowing it would hurt) and even though it did hurt quite a bit I managed pretty well.
When we drove mom home we stopped and got a milkshake and mom realized she had lost her checkbook. I have decided I will let myself eat a small thing of Ice Cream (shake, cone or sundae) one time in a calendar week so I dont end up craving it so badly and binging.
*A* and I went across town to Dorsey Music and I waited in the back of the van lying on the futon with the back door open and reading a magazine while *A* looked around the shop. When I went to get back in the car I found moms checkbook so we drove back up there to give it to her and then we came back home and fell asleep. (*A* works nights and my sleep is so bad because of pain I need to sleep whenever I can) The storm they were predicting is finally coming in, maybe it will be a thunder boomer, I love the sound of thunder.
Anyway it was an all together great day.


P.S. Someone sent me a link to Bright Side Of Life so I do have it now on my Profile Thanks Jason.

Currently reading: Lie By Moonlight By Amanda Quick Release date: By 07 June, 2005

I went to see the Dr today.
I went out to the St Lukes hospital in Meridian (the next town over) this morning to see Dr. McGee with Elks Rehabilitation. I guess I was hoping he would say sure we will do this simple operation and then you will have 5 to 10 years of pain free life and time to loose weight
Well that is not the case.
I have been calling my own Dr for two weeks trying to get them to send a referral for both legs so that my insurance would cover the x-rays of both knees, she had only sent one for my Left knee which is my worse. I had to wait while the receptionist there called my Drs office and asked for a referral, this is after going through hell with traffic, construction and just trying to find the part of the hospital to be in as well as parking. Finally they got the referral and X-rayed both knees, talk about painful, I had to stand on one foot and hold my other in a weird pose then do it with the other one, my knees were not amused by that at all.
Finally I got to talk to the Dr who was a very nice man, the last orthopedist I saw was a bit of an ass, he acted as if I should be able to drop half my body weight with no effort and as if I had gotten this big on purpose. Dr. McGee on the other hand treated me great even as he gave me information I did not want.

There is no way I could have a knee replacement at my size.

I would have to be half my size but he understood how hard that is to do when you can barely walk and everything hurts all the time.

He told me that even if I did get my knee replaced I had to realize that the replacement itself HURTS a lot, they cut into the bone and the nerves never stop hurting and that it might end up hurting just as bad as it does now.

He told me I have small to medium bones ((there goes that BIG BONED excuse)) and that at my size now the operation itself would be horribly hard and I might not be able to recover from it and it might fail to be right from the start much less in 5 years.

He also told me that each replacement has a bigger chance of failing and that they just become more and more painful and there is a risk of bone infection.

He did tell me that every bit of weight I loose helps and that I should try a stationary bike to build up my muscles and possibly loose weight.

I guess the best thing he said was that I come across as a very brite and well spoken woman and he is impressed with how much I know about my illness. That was at least flattering.

I also got to see the X-rays they took. You can totally see where the left knee is bone on bone and where the right knee has worn spots in the cartilage. It is scary to realize how much worse it could get.

I held it together until I left the hospital and got in my car and then I started to cry, I was so tempted to stop at the TCBY near the hospital and get an ice cream cone to try to sooth my feelings, but I resisted. I have been eating so much ice cream it is sick and I have to get serious.
I had pretty much gotten it under control by the time I got home but it was hard telling *A* what the Dr had said since *A* was just as upset as me and I felt I had to hold it together for him. Which really helped me actually.
I had a message to call Marissa and I tried to get a hold of her but I got her answering machine, I started to grumble about how along it was when I realized the message was the song Bright side of life from Monty Python. Dont ask me why but the song made me laugh and laugh and there is *A* looking at me as if I had lost my mind and I realized it could be so much worse then it was.
We decided to go to Wal-Mart to cash *As* check and then go to lunch at Chefs Hut. On the way to Wal-Mart I stopped at the Flying J gas station and went in to weigh myself on the electronic scales in the bathroom. I should have been doing that every two weeks. I have gained 8 pounds since the last time I weighed just over a month ago. It made me realize I have got to get serious cause that is probably part of why I have been hurting so much these last few weeks, even a few pounds more is noticeable.
I had a BLT and a fruit cup at Chefs Hut, not too much bacon, tons of tomatoes and wheat bread, I figure it is a better lunch then many of the things I could have gotten. After we got done I decided to stop by the library, grab a few books and take *A* to Veterans Park since I didnt have to pick up Nadia.
The park is divided in two, the front part is a normal park, play equipment and manicured lawns with big trees, the back of the park goes back to the river and is wilder, winding pathways, bridges over creeks and lots of interesting things to look at. Unfortunately I cant handle walking in the back part of the park so I dropped *A* off back in that part and then went and found a place to park in the middle of the park and a tree to lay under to read.
I just sat there enjoying the sun light, the sound of birds and feel of the air, I enjoyed my book and realized how lucky I am really and that it could be SO much worse then it is. I still Hurt, I still get Depressed about it but I accept that it could be a lot worse. I could not have friends and family to count on, I could live in a place that doesnt have beautiful weather most of the year, more parks then most cities in the world and I could be homeless, uneducated and without insurance. I may suffer a lot, but I could have many worse illnesses then the ones I do, or I could be a lot more mentally ill then I am.
It may seem weird to say I am lucky and I dont know if I can stretch it that far all the time but I am luckier then a lot of people. I am lucky I can take pleasure in small things.

Currently reading: Falling Awake By Jayne Ann Krentz Release date: By 18 November, 2004

I picked Nadia up from school and then took her to the fruit stand that is near her dad’s work and spent a little of my last few dollars to get a pound of grapes, an apple and a couple of oranges which we split up between us at the restaurant. Nadia only ate a ¼ of her orange, a few bites of apple and a bunch of grapes so next time I will just buy us grapes to split. I dropped Jeff and Nadia off at their house and drove by my mom’s place to try to get her to go to happy hour with me but she wanted to stay home with my step dad so I went home.
I talked to Danielle on the computer and she said she was hungry, I told her I was too broke to buy anything but if she wanted to buy me something to eat I would take her to Café’ Ole’. I went and picked her up and we split an variety platter. I had spent time earlier transferring the role playing character info from the computer program to the paper so I could make changes if I want and then found out it was the wrong sheet so I had to find the right one, print it off and I took it with me. We sat in the restaurant drinking our soft drinks (I had tea and lemonade) and she read me this info on diseases around the world while I filled out my forms and waited for our food.
Danielle has decided she needs some new clothes and so I convinced her she could at least find some basics at Wal-mart. We went and found under garments and 3 shirts, a KISS one, a Beatles/sergeant peppers one and a red one. She also bought these really great white chocolate M&Ms which are way way too good.
I dropped her off and went by my grandmothers house and visited for a while and grabbed some clothes I had left there then headed home, I was actually tempted to stop by the store and spend the last of my money on White Chocolate M&Ms but I restrained myself. I don’t know why I do these things or think about them but I have got to get them under control or I am going to gain a ton. Thursday I have to see the knee dr and I am stressed as hell about it, I am sure he will say no to the operation and I think that stress is causing my appetite to go through the roof.
I am so scared, if they tell me I have to loose 100 pounds the way I am now, barely able to walk a few blocks without wanting to cry from the pain then it is the same as saying you are not ever going to get a knee replacement and I might as well start looking for a wheelchair. Of course every time I think about I stress out and want to eat, it is the stupidest fucking thing in the world. I fell like the stupidest person in the world right now.

I had to get up early to go to breakfast with my Mom, the day was miserably cold and cloudy and it even snowed that afternoon. Mom came over and helped me put up my purple oriental paper lanterns I got at Wal-mart a while back.
I now have large round purple lanterns over the top corners of my bed and they look wonderful, I am thinking of adding some other oriental touches to the room. Right now I have a black piece of thin fur over the window to keep the light out but I am thinking of putting more finished curtains over it. I may try to buy some oriental looking brocade material for the windows, maybe at the home fabric and upholstery place, they sell 60+ inch pieces for not too much and I could get a set of curtains out of about 2 yards. I will have to come up with some kind of wall art to go with it and keep the Asian flavor I want to get. I already have a maroon oriental patterned comforter and I can make some throw pillows out of similar material.
Anyway it will be a long while before I get my room the way I want.

I picked up Nadia and we went and hung out at Jeffs work, she drew and colored while I read a book I had bought, I am dead broke and I spent half of the last money I have on a book. I have serious impulse issues.
Jeff and Nadia and I went to Fancy Freeze to get an ice cream cone (I KNOW I said I would stop but I just end up giving in over and over I am starting to get sick again from dairy so maybe I will be able to stop eating it for a while) The only problem with Fancy Freeze is they offer so many choices, at least a half dozen flavors of dip cones, vanilla and chocolate soft serve and then 8 flavors of swirls they can add to them and Nadia is the queen of indecision. I ordered a small chocolate cone dipped in cherry, it took Nadia 20 minutes to order a small swirl cone dipped in coconut, you see why I wont take her to a dollar store.
I took Jeff and Nadia home and hung out since out RPG friends were coming over. Nadia and I played for an hour or so til people started showing up. We use to have a game with me, Jeff P, Marissa, Grant, Adrian and Jeff H but Marissa has to work on Mondays and the rest of the guys can only meet up that day. We talked about it and decided even only getting to play from 9pm to 11pm would be cool (Jeff has to put Nadia down at 8:30 and it takes a while for her to sleep so we will have to start at 9)
We decided to start a new game so I borrowed Jeffs character generator program and took it home after picking up Marissa and started making a new character. I downloaded a bunch of character sheets only to find out they were the wrong format.

I stayed up til 4 AM last night, the problem is my metabolism is so slow if I drink coffee at 1pm I dont feel it til midnight, so I ended up watching old Sandra Dee movies til 4. *A* showed up at 9am and we slept for a while but I have such a hard time sleeping with anyone in the bed since I have to turn and move a lot because of my knee. So yet again I am exhausted.
I contacted Danielle and told her we could do laundry but I had a ton of other stuff to do. Personally I am proud of the arrangement I came up with otherwise I would have been doing stuff for a few more hours.
I picked D up at 1:30 and we went to McDonalds for a burger and yogurt and then I dropped her off at the laundry mat and went to my grandmothers house since she is loaning me the money to pay my registration on my car. We ran a couple of errands and then I went at 2:30 to pick up Marissa and drive her to work which is not far from the laundry mat. On the way back I picked up D and we went to the store between her place and the laundry mat. I bought a pack of sushi while D shopped and she actually got done before me. I dropped her off around 3 and headed home.
*A* and I watched Fellowship of the Ring on TBS and took a nap then I got up and watched the end of Two Towers while I cooked dinner.
I picked Marissa at work at 11 and went to the club tonight but I am so tired I only stayed about half an hour, but considering I was just wearing leggings and grey/green sweater it is just as well, it isn't like I can dance or anything. *T* wanted to come over tonight to play around but I am seeing my mom at 9 and I just don’t have the energy for a quick roll in the hay even with him.
So basically I had a mellow slow Easter.
I can tell you one thing if I DO get my knees replaced I am going to do all the stuff I have been putting off, road trips, going for walks, exercising, dancing and just living to the fullest, I took it all for granite and if I get a second chance I wont again.

Currently watching: The Lord of the Rings Release date: By 11 September, 2001

What a day.
I get a call waking me up at 6 AM from my friend Adam who lives in my complex, he is at his girlfriends work and their car has sprung a leak. Would you be able to come get us at 8 am? An offer of gas money and coffee is made.
I groggily agree to it and tell him to call me right before 8. I then fall back asleep and wake up a little an hour later wondering if I dreamed it.
Nope, phone rings at 7:50 and I find out she works out on 5 mile and Victory which is quite a ways away and I am falling down tired so I just pull on a caftan and a coat and head out into the early morning rain.
I get in the car and realize I am about a hair above empty because of all the driving around I did yesterday and that I would have to drive in a totally different direction to use my gas card which is pretty much the only money I have for gas. So I cross my fingers and pray I will make it there.
I make it and Adam asks if $7 is enough, that is more than enough considering I was thinking maybe $5 just to make sure we got back home. His GF brandy is still working trying to get finished so Adam gets me a cup of coffee and offers me a breakfast bun, which was good except for the egg and too much cheese.
It takes another 15 minutes before we get out of there and then we have to stop by the bank to drop off something, we finally get home around 8:40 and I am so tired I could drop dead. I sleep until 1pm since I had not slept well the night before due to my knee killing me in the middle of the night.
*A* wants to go get something to eat and go up to Robie Creek again at 11am and I beg him to let me sleep a bit more, which means every half hour or so he would come in to try to get me to get up. Finally I wake up enough to get out of bed but I am still groggy. I call Danielle who I had said I would take to do laundry and told her we would have to do it later, I figured we could do it anytime before 9pm when the last load has to be in the laundry.
We finally take off around 1:30 and he puts gas in my car and we stop at the Trolley House Restaurant on Warm Springs Ave on the way out of town where he buys me a huge order of biscuits and gravy. Even with 3 cups of killer strong coffee I am drowsy but I am ok to drive.
We head up to Robie Creek and realize that today was the day of the big Race To Robie Creek, an annual run and the place was slammed with well over 1000 people and cars to match. I suggested we go up to Arrowrock damn which is about 6 miles off the main road and we saw cars at every major pull off and at the marina on the way up. Finally we cleared the cars and made it up to the dam which *A* had never seen, he wandered around while I sat in the car and half ass dozed until I finally told him we had to go while I could still drive.
We got home at 4:20 and I called Danielle to tell her I was too tired to drive for a while and we would have to do laundry another day. I ended up feeling so guilty I called back in 10 minutes and left her a message that I would be willing to do laundry at 6:30 if she wanted. Then I fell asleep again.
I would have fucking stayed asleep until 6:30 if it wasnt for my neighbors screaming kids right out side my window. I asked them to please tone it down but they of course went right back to screaming so I called Danielle to ask if she wanted to do laundry but she said she was watching Star Wars and would not want to do it tonight and said that she had wanted to do it earlier.
I feel bad that I could not take her and it probably seems like a lame excuse to say I was tired, but the combination of my meds and my knee making sleep so crappy makes me tired a lot. I read this thing that driving seriously tired is as bad as driving drunk and I agree, I could barely pay attention to the road coming home and I am scared of having a wreck. I certainly did not say no to be a bitch, hell I almost never say no since I end up feeling so guilty about it so when I do say no there pretty much has to be a good reason.

Sometimes it is so hard to realize all the things I can no longer do until I do them and suffer the consequences.
Last night I went over to Jeff and Marissas house to visit with the guys I use to play Ravenloft with, and I ended up playing Magic.
I think I have to try to avoid Jeffs steps as much as possible, so far every time I have gone up them the last few weeks I end up hurting so much worse the next day. I laid on the ground to play MAGIC and that is just a no no for me now.
I slammed my knee getting down and then hurt it again getting up a few times. I went to get Marissa from work and ended up going up the steps again. It is pathetic, I cant climb one flight of steep steps without hurting so badly I want to cry and I cant even get up and down on the ground without doing myself damage.
Maybe I should have stayed on the Topamax no matter how badly it was making me feel, my appetite has gone to hell and I just seem to have no control over it. I have had Blizzards 3 days in a row now, I keep wishing I would get really sick from it so I could give up dairy all together again but I think that might have been my gallbladder and not an allergy. I keep thinking I wont do it, I wont have anything to eat and then I find myself eating something anyway.
I could barely sleep all night last night, I had to put a heating pad on my leg to get any rest and when *A* came over this morning he could tell I was hurting because I could barely get up first thing this morning. He is so sweet and so worried about me, I keep worrying that my being so crippled up will drive him away but he seems to be a true friend even when it means having to put up with me groaning when I move and sometimes crying. He asks me if there is anything he can do and I feel bad because there is nothing he can do to help except be there and be my friend and help take my mind off of the pain.
I went to the Y today, I soaked in the hot tub for a while and then tried to work out, I could only do about 15 mins of water aerobics before I ended up hurting too much to go on. They have an arthritis class there but it is for full body arthritis and is so slow I dont think I could stand it, I would rather take the regular deep water classes and just go at my own pace.
I dont know what I am going to do if they wont allow me a replacement surgery and if I cant loose a ton of weight soon. If the pain keeps up at this level I will end up in a wheel chair in no time. Sometimes I wish I could just die and then I think how much I love some things in my life and the idea of not having them makes me so sad, I mean simple things like my pets, my friends and family and even dumb things like certain books and music and shows I like that just make life so much better. I just dont know how much more pain I can stand.

Currently watching: C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation - The Complete Fifth Season Release date: By 29 November, 2005

Marissa calls me for the 3rd time today, this time to ask how big is an orca?
It seems she is tormenting Jeffs cell phone with many weird messages while he is working about Orcas for some reason and needed more details that the fact that they are really dolphins. SO of course she called me.
Dont you love Wikipedia?
Just so you know the Alaskans call them GRAMPAS, they are at the pinnacle of the marine food chain, they grow up to 6 tons and 31 feet and are 8 ft at birth and their name is Roman.
Man what you can find with a DSL connection and the willingness to be silly.
Oh yeah before she hung up she said "Your going to blog about this aren't you"
Guess so

I get a call at 10:40 from Danielle, she is feeling icky and wants to know if I will come and get her from work so we can have lunch and so she can come out with Marissa and me to get another suit for M. Poor *A* was trying to sleep so I told him I would be back later and got dressed and drove out to Ds work and got her, then we stopped and had Chinese buffet, so much for watching my money and what I eat.
D and I bought M these Mexican religious stickers from a machine at the buffet, at first I thought what an odd thing to find at a Chinese Buffet but then as I thought about it I realized that half the people I see there are Hispanic. I got her the last supper and D got her Jesus of the Sacred Heart, I am not sure why we got them except the art was so funky and old fashion and M likes that kind of stuff.
I really have been spending too much time around M and D, they tend to yell things out at people at random and I never really do this but I find myself doing it more and more, especially with the windows rolled up. Somehow I just dont think people will hear me through the windows, yeah so it seems I am wrong.
We were leaving the restaurant and this woman and her little girl were walking across the street and the little 4 yr old or so was pulling back on her mothers arm and refusing to move.
Mind you I was of course just joking when I said rather loudly. . . Little girl I WILL run you over. I guess the car is not as sound proof as I thought because even though we were at least 20 feet from her and had the radio going the mom seemed to hear us cause she gave us this look of abject horror mixed with loathing as she yanked her daughter away. We were both laughing our asses off at not only the fact that I had said something so strange and unlike me but at her expression.
We picked up M and Jeff loaded the bike into the van and we headed out to the place where we were getting M a suit which was way the hell and gone from downtown but thankfully not far from the Interstate. D and I of course had to comment on everything M tried on until she finally found one suit she could stand and a great top, a black tank and a killer pair of shoes.

As we were all leaving we see this lady tying off at least 40 black, yellow and silver balloons to the dumpster after some event they had had. Of course we could not let 40 or so beautiful helium balloons go to waste when I have a van to put them in.
So there we are having to get M to work from all the way across town and then some and all three of us are trying to shove these balloons into the back of the van, with the bike AND Danielle, not to mention a couple bags of groceries (cereal and juice) and the various other flotsam and jetsam that finds its way into the back of my van.
Finally I am getting pissed at these ballons and I just slam the back hatch on them leaving about 10 of them out the back to flap around. SO just incase it is not illegal enough to not be able to see ANYTHING out the back of my van I also have balloons flapping around behind my van getting in the way of my drivers side mirror. Personally I am shocked we all got to work, and home without getting a ticket or in a wreck.
There we are driving down the Interstate with balloons filling the van and balloons flapping behind and when we finally got to Ms work we had to cut about 12 of them loose for her to take with her, still leaving my van full.
So now I have maybe 30 balloons in my front room, no idea what so ever what to do with them and I am not willing to let them go so I will probably just leave them in there til they deflate and I can haul them to the garbage. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do and we had to take those damn balloons on one last trip.

Currently listening: Vampyre : Symphonies from the Crypt By Midnight Syndicate Release date: By 13 August, 2002

I feel like crap and I look worse, I feel hung over and I have not had anything to drink at all for days and even then we are talking one drink. I am down to 25.mg of the topamax so that shouldnt be doing it.
I went to Industria last night but only stayed from 10 to midnight and was pretty much asleep by 1 am. I didnt even hook up with *T* this week, last week he came over after Industria but this week I just wasnt feeling it.
I got up at 8:30 and went to breakfast with my mom but even so I should not feel so awful, I feel like I might be getting sick. Thank heaven for my mom, she is in the kitchen cleaning up for me since I feel like I can barely focus. I hate when I get like this, I feel so weak and worthless. I feel like I have wet wool in my head and ash in my lungs.

Currently listening: 9th Ward Pickin' Parlor By Shawn Mullins Release date: By 14 February, 2006

Answer the phone
"Hello"
"Ummmm so what time is it at your house?"
Look at the clock over the bed
"7:59"
"Yeah well Jeff's phone says 9"
"let me check the computer"
Walk into the other room half awake
"Oh yeah it is 9 alright, I will be there in a few minutes"
FUCKING DAYLIGHT SAVINGS

Currently watching: The Art of War Release date: By 26 December, 2000

I get up at noon and come in to look at the computer and find a note on messenger from Danielle, "Are you taking me to the bank?"
I call her wondering why she had not just called me and woken me up, mind you *A* had been trying most of the morning to get me to get up and I just kept falling back to sleep. So where are you I ask.
Overland and Vista.
It is cold and nasty and I know she is not feeling good, so why didn't you call? Oh I forgot. Want a ride silly girl? Sure.
And T'Rina's taxi is off, I really don't mind giving my friends rides, they throw gas money my way when they have it and I know if I said I could not get her she would have taken the bus but I figured what the hell.
I tell *A* who is watching a movie that we will stop by and pick him up and go have something to eat when we are done and I will give him a call on my phone so he can get dressed. I swear he is as bad as me, both of us just take off our clothes when we get in the house, but I must say I enjoy seeing him naked more then seeing myself.
I picked up D and we drove downtown and deposited her check and then drove on down to Big Lots! which is way the hell down state street from down town but I was hoping to score another cool lamp, no such luck. Everything they had was either too small, too boring, too cheesy or too much for the quality. We headed back up to my house and I called and let *A* know we were on our way.
We all went to Chef's Hut and had lunch, they both had huge burgers and I had a grilled ham sandwich, we had two coffees and a hot cocoa and the bill only came to $15.30 for all 3 of us.
*A* needed a new alarm clock and I needed to find some kind of reading lamp for the bedroom since I wanted to have something I could turn off from the bed and that would not be so bright as my overhead fixture. D came with us since it was between the restaurant and her house. I did see this amazing beaded chandelier I wanted but I just couldn't handle $20 this month so instead I got 2 of these purple oriental lanterns complete with the fixture for about $6 each. I will put one on each side of the head of the bed.
We dropped D off and just as I walked in the house, took off my clothes and started to get ready to take a nap with *A* the phone rings. I had promised to take Jeff and Marissa to do laundry on Saturday which is now their only shared day off now that she has started a new swing shift job in a hotel. I told them I would be there after half an hour and went to cuddle with *A* for a bit then finally got my ass dressed, my clothes bagged and myself in the car when I realized I had no cash on me so I decided to stop by Target.
I was hoping to find these one mints they had had before but no such luck so I bought a dark chocolate-espresso bar and got some cash and finally headed down the hill to their place.
Since it was Saturday we chose to avoid the more busy laundry-mat we usually go to and try a new one which happened to be by the Co-Op so after getting to laundry going M and I went over there and got a few things. I found these cool violet pastilles candies in a neat tin (yes I am a tin junky) and some real cibbata bread.
We finally got done and I headed home stopping at the store long enough to buy a bag of beef raviolis which I made with chunky spaghetti sauce for *A* and me. We watched TV, hung out and goofed off until he had to go to work and then I just decided to stay home cause I am so tired I am fading fast. I was invited to a party but it is in Nampa which is 20 miles away and I have to be up at 8 again to give J a ride to work since M is using the bike we got them since she comes home from work late at night. I will also be giving her and the bike a ride to work tomorrow since it is up a couple of hills, thank heaven for gas money cause by the time I am done tomorrow I will have used up half a tank of gas already since 11 am on Friday.

Currently reading: Conversations with the Fat Girl By Liza Palmer Release date: