Thursday, June 30, 2005
Creativity
Sorry I have not been writing much, the meds I am taking make me feel a ton better but they also make me feel uncreative and unmotivated to write. I am going to try to make myself work harder at it.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
New Contacts
Did I mention my mom getting me contacts for my unbirthday... Actually my half birthday (LOL)
Anyway they came today and I love actually being able to see well in contacts, the ones I had before did not correct my astigmatism but these do, they are not as soft as the other ones and will take some getting use to, I also have to be extra careful about falling asleep with them on so I try to not wear them on the bed at all.
The only problem is I feel like I have to wear make up if I don't wear my glasses, I wonder if I will ever get over that?
Anyway they came today and I love actually being able to see well in contacts, the ones I had before did not correct my astigmatism but these do, they are not as soft as the other ones and will take some getting use to, I also have to be extra careful about falling asleep with them on so I try to not wear them on the bed at all.
The only problem is I feel like I have to wear make up if I don't wear my glasses, I wonder if I will ever get over that?
Another great Wednesday Night
I was feeling anxious again today, just wanted to get out and be with people so I decided to go downtown to MULLIGAN'S.
Most of my friends show up around 8:30 or 9 usually but tonight was really dead, I ended up sitting on the patio drinking a strong, tall whiskey and coke (yes I SAID I need to stop drinking, doing it is another matter all together) and coloring the skull in my anatomy coloring book until I finally got so bored I went to THE EDGE, a cool coffee shop that sells all kinds of odds and ends. Matt was working so I had a cookie and coffee and visited with him a little while. I don't mind being alone by myself but I hate being in bars when I feel like I don't know anyone.
I saw Mabel this amazingly cool chick I know going to THE BOUQUET to watch some bands so I stopped in and ended up hanging out with her and her BF, this cut little rockabilly guy who was buying up pitchers of PBR. The only way I can drink Pabst is with tomato juice (tabasco, salt and pepper) So I ended up drinking at least 3 beers.
The bands we saw were really good and I had fun talking with both Mabel and her guy. I got a gimme hat from Jagermiester (I don't drink it) that is worth about $20+ in the catalog, I actually really like the hat.
I went back to MULLIGAN'S and hung out with my friends Analisa, Dan and Tom and later BrandyAngella until the bar closed and had another Whiskey and coke.
After the bar closed the 5 of us went to this old house in a historic neighborhood near where I lived as a teen and went exploring the back yard, the house is owned by a company and no one lives there and it is on 2 1/2 acres of land. Imagine 5 goths wandering around all in black in pitch black, no moon in an old ornate garden and you have some idea what we were like.
After that we all went to the truck stop to eat and talk.
All together a wonderful night.
Most of my friends show up around 8:30 or 9 usually but tonight was really dead, I ended up sitting on the patio drinking a strong, tall whiskey and coke (yes I SAID I need to stop drinking, doing it is another matter all together) and coloring the skull in my anatomy coloring book until I finally got so bored I went to THE EDGE, a cool coffee shop that sells all kinds of odds and ends. Matt was working so I had a cookie and coffee and visited with him a little while. I don't mind being alone by myself but I hate being in bars when I feel like I don't know anyone.
I saw Mabel this amazingly cool chick I know going to THE BOUQUET to watch some bands so I stopped in and ended up hanging out with her and her BF, this cut little rockabilly guy who was buying up pitchers of PBR. The only way I can drink Pabst is with tomato juice (tabasco, salt and pepper) So I ended up drinking at least 3 beers.
The bands we saw were really good and I had fun talking with both Mabel and her guy. I got a gimme hat from Jagermiester (I don't drink it) that is worth about $20+ in the catalog, I actually really like the hat.
I went back to MULLIGAN'S and hung out with my friends Analisa, Dan and Tom and later BrandyAngella until the bar closed and had another Whiskey and coke.
After the bar closed the 5 of us went to this old house in a historic neighborhood near where I lived as a teen and went exploring the back yard, the house is owned by a company and no one lives there and it is on 2 1/2 acres of land. Imagine 5 goths wandering around all in black in pitch black, no moon in an old ornate garden and you have some idea what we were like.
After that we all went to the truck stop to eat and talk.
All together a wonderful night.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Seven deadly sins?
In this day when the seven deadly sins are more a case of the seven character flaws here are some questions about the classics.
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?
I seldom get angry, I do yell at lousy drivers sometimes
2. What is your weapon of choice?
Knives, very sharp knives
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If they hit me first
4. How about of the same sex?
if they hit me first
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?God only knows I seem to piss people off just by being alive sometimes
6. What is your pet peeve?
People who lie and guys who only talk to my tits
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Not really I tend to forget why I am mad at people
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?
change the cat box... I remember about every 4th day when the cats get mad at me
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
I go to bed at weird hours and have a sleep disorder so my hours are all messed up.. The longest I have slept on the other hand is 16 hours
3. Who have you be meaning to contact, but haven't?
My friend Keith in Seattle I have known him about 12 years and we now only talk about 2 times a year
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
That I needed to take a nap, of course it was true just lame
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones..)?
no
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I never use the snooze button I put the alarm on loud rock music and tend to wake before it or jump out of bed as soon as it goes off.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Frapacino
2. Meat eaters are?
omnivorous?
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
a half gallon of B&B Brandy in one go.. under 4 mins and I was blind drunk and blacked out... I don't drink like that these days.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
No
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
YES
LUST
1. How many people have you seen completely naked (not counting movies/family)?
I was raised by hippies and have been an art major I have seen more then I can count
2. How many people have seen YOU completely naked (not counting physicians/family)?
I was raised by hippies and have been an art major I have been seen by more then I can count
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
No
4. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
that place on a mans hip right bellow his belly and above his crotch, if he does not squirm at all when I tease it there is something wrong.
5. Have you ever been made a proposition by a prostitute?
no
6. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
yes, I am 36, I have been tested every 6 months for STDs for the last 21 years whether I have had sex or not. And I will keep doing it.
7. Is love at first sight really lust?
Pretty much.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
None
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Cost plus world market
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
I would buy a small house, pay off my moms house and give my grandma and my dad both $20k, buy a good quality car and visit a friend across country
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich ... I am already famous... ummmm I meant infamous.. In my own little circle and they are the people who matter
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
OH hell yeah
6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Ooohhhhh yeah, but not for a long time
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
less than a 10 but less then 10,000
PRIDE
1. What is one thing that you done that you're most proud of?
My Website and videos
2. WhatÂs one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
My parents are proud of me for being me.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life
be happy, be loved and lovable, be a good person
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not always but I do like being the center of attention when I can without pissing people off
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
once or twice
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
no Idon'tt see the point, how would you know if you were any good
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Spent time with a friend I care about running him around and not get too upset when I ended up not being able to spend the evening visiting like I had hoped cause he made other plans, a few months ago it would have trashed me
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
the kind of loving relationships a few of my friends have with their partners and my friend Jeff's memory for things
2. Who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with?
My friend analisa cause she has amazing taste but I would be scared to do anything to her place other then get her a new couch and velvet drapes
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
someone one healthy, rich and beautiful but sort of average...Beingg exceptional gets old sometimes
4. Have you ever been cheated on?
oh yeah
5. Have you ever cheated?
not in a serious relationship, though I have been the reason someone else cheated without me knowing it
6. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Hell Yes
Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
LUST BABY LUST
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with?
I seldom get angry, I do yell at lousy drivers sometimes
2. What is your weapon of choice?
Knives, very sharp knives
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
If they hit me first
4. How about of the same sex?
if they hit me first
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?God only knows I seem to piss people off just by being alive sometimes
6. What is your pet peeve?
People who lie and guys who only talk to my tits
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Not really I tend to forget why I am mad at people
SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time?
change the cat box... I remember about every 4th day when the cats get mad at me
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
I go to bed at weird hours and have a sleep disorder so my hours are all messed up.. The longest I have slept on the other hand is 16 hours
3. Who have you be meaning to contact, but haven't?
My friend Keith in Seattle I have known him about 12 years and we now only talk about 2 times a year
4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
That I needed to take a nap, of course it was true just lame
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones..)?
no
6. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
I never use the snooze button I put the alarm on loud rock music and tend to wake before it or jump out of bed as soon as it goes off.
GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Frapacino
2. Meat eaters are?
omnivorous?
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
a half gallon of B&B Brandy in one go.. under 4 mins and I was blind drunk and blacked out... I don't drink like that these days.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
No
5. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
YES
LUST
1. How many people have you seen completely naked (not counting movies/family)?
I was raised by hippies and have been an art major I have seen more then I can count
2. How many people have seen YOU completely naked (not counting physicians/family)?
I was raised by hippies and have been an art major I have been seen by more then I can count
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation?
No
4. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?
that place on a mans hip right bellow his belly and above his crotch, if he does not squirm at all when I tease it there is something wrong.
5. Have you ever been made a proposition by a prostitute?
no
6. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
yes, I am 36, I have been tested every 6 months for STDs for the last 21 years whether I have had sex or not. And I will keep doing it.
7. Is love at first sight really lust?
Pretty much.
GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
None
2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
Cost plus world market
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it?
I would buy a small house, pay off my moms house and give my grandma and my dad both $20k, buy a good quality car and visit a friend across country
4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich ... I am already famous... ummmm I meant infamous.. In my own little circle and they are the people who matter
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
OH hell yeah
6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Ooohhhhh yeah, but not for a long time
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
less than a 10 but less then 10,000
PRIDE
1. What is one thing that you done that you're most proud of?
My Website and videos
2. WhatÂs one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
My parents are proud of me for being me.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life
be happy, be loved and lovable, be a good person
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Not always but I do like being the center of attention when I can without pissing people off
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
once or twice
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
no Idon'tt see the point, how would you know if you were any good
7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
Spent time with a friend I care about running him around and not get too upset when I ended up not being able to spend the evening visiting like I had hoped cause he made other plans, a few months ago it would have trashed me
ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?
the kind of loving relationships a few of my friends have with their partners and my friend Jeff's memory for things
2. Who would you want to go on "trading spaces" with?
My friend analisa cause she has amazing taste but I would be scared to do anything to her place other then get her a new couch and velvet drapes
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
someone one healthy, rich and beautiful but sort of average...Beingg exceptional gets old sometimes
4. Have you ever been cheated on?
oh yeah
5. Have you ever cheated?
not in a serious relationship, though I have been the reason someone else cheated without me knowing it
6. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Hell Yes
Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin?
LUST BABY LUST
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Killer show tonight
I went to this show at The Bouquet (cool old local bar) tonight.
I wasn't feeling much like going out since I have a summer cold and just did not want to get in a smoky bar setting, but I was also feeling kind of anxious around 5 pm and decided that I needed to get out of the house and since the show was only $2 for 3 bands I figured what the hell.
The bouquet is an amazing bar that has been around forever it seems, at least as long as I can remember had is all dark wood and high ceilings. I got in at 8 pm and no one was on the door so I could not pay cover. I got a coke and lime and then a red beer (tomato, Loft beer and salt, pepper and tabasco) which was my only drink for the night, I am really trying to cut back.
The first band was a really good local band called MEND, they finally played after what seemed to be an hour or more of sound checks for all three bands. The are very Goth/EMB.
CARPHAX FILES was next, the lead singer J.Sin is hot as hell, reminding me of a young Henry Rollins who I have had the hots for for at least 15 years.
J.Sin Monday of CARPHAX FILES
CF played killer punk with a sort of Goth overtone that really got me going, I seriously had to decide if I wanted to pay the phone bill or get the CD.. Sadly the phone bill ((and DSL)) won out, I will have to get it at borders or Barnes and Nobels or maybe on line.
The keyboardist was wearing a black utility kilt and as a lot of people know I have the hots for men in kilts. Personally he did nothing for me but he DID remind me of my friend Bruce, who does....LOL
They have a t-shirt that says CF- I am a child of a common breed.
I told J.Sin that I am a sinner of uncommon tendencies and incredible skill, which made him laugh.
I got a bunch of pics for the county Morgue website as well as some pics of me with all the members of Redemption and with J.Sin (I will post them here soon but they are on Analisa's camera
REDEMPTION was also amazing but a more classically Goth band.
Redemption and T'Rina
I am glad I got to see them and hope like hell they can make it back to town again. I told them if they do I can help them find a place to stay, hell between couches, air mattress and foam sleeping pads I can sleep half a dozen people in my front room alone and as soon as I get the damn computer/art/sewing room/disaster organized I could have people stay in there for one night easily.
Between bands I went over to Mulligans which is across the street and ran into Bacchus, we are still friends and I realized I may always have a tiny bit of a crush on him BUT I am over him as far as love is concerned. I wonder if it was ever real?
Were most of my feelings for him simply the over-reaction of my BPD? Or were some of the things I felt for him real, honest feelings blown out of proportion by BPD and now under control with the right meds. A couple of months ago I would have stayed at Mulligans to be with him even if it meant missing the show or I would have tried to get him to come to the show offering to pay his way and buy him a drink. As it was I said Hi, Hugged him a few times ((Hey I still like him...LOL)) and visited for about 10 mins before heading over to The Bouquet, alone.
I sometimes wonder if this is who I am... the way I am on the Abilify, I feel so much more content, safe in my reactions even if my impulse control sucks rocks still. I realized that I am not JUST the person with BPD, I am not JUST the person who has Manic Depression, I am not JUST the person I am when on meds, though I greatly prefer being this way, I like myself a lot more.
I am all of those things and they shape me. When I am on my meds I am the person I CAN be, and I can make the choice to stay on my meds and be the person I want to be.
I don't feel the need to have contact with people all the time, if I can't get ahold of a person I don't assume they are mad at me or avoiding me the way I was a few months ago. The difference is kind of scary and I know even at $10 a pill I will find a way to keep taking it if my insurance ever refuses me it.
This is the person I plan to be, I don't intend to go off my meds again for any reason, I like who I am now and a lot of people who know me tell me they really see a difference from how I was this winter.
I wasn't feeling much like going out since I have a summer cold and just did not want to get in a smoky bar setting, but I was also feeling kind of anxious around 5 pm and decided that I needed to get out of the house and since the show was only $2 for 3 bands I figured what the hell.
The bouquet is an amazing bar that has been around forever it seems, at least as long as I can remember had is all dark wood and high ceilings. I got in at 8 pm and no one was on the door so I could not pay cover. I got a coke and lime and then a red beer (tomato, Loft beer and salt, pepper and tabasco) which was my only drink for the night, I am really trying to cut back.
The first band was a really good local band called MEND, they finally played after what seemed to be an hour or more of sound checks for all three bands. The are very Goth/EMB.
CARPHAX FILES was next, the lead singer J.Sin is hot as hell, reminding me of a young Henry Rollins who I have had the hots for for at least 15 years.
J.Sin Monday of CARPHAX FILESCF played killer punk with a sort of Goth overtone that really got me going, I seriously had to decide if I wanted to pay the phone bill or get the CD.. Sadly the phone bill ((and DSL)) won out, I will have to get it at borders or Barnes and Nobels or maybe on line.
The keyboardist was wearing a black utility kilt and as a lot of people know I have the hots for men in kilts. Personally he did nothing for me but he DID remind me of my friend Bruce, who does....LOL
They have a t-shirt that says CF- I am a child of a common breed.
I told J.Sin that I am a sinner of uncommon tendencies and incredible skill, which made him laugh.
I got a bunch of pics for the county Morgue website as well as some pics of me with all the members of Redemption and with J.Sin (I will post them here soon but they are on Analisa's camera
REDEMPTION was also amazing but a more classically Goth band.
Redemption and T'RinaI am glad I got to see them and hope like hell they can make it back to town again. I told them if they do I can help them find a place to stay, hell between couches, air mattress and foam sleeping pads I can sleep half a dozen people in my front room alone and as soon as I get the damn computer/art/sewing room/disaster organized I could have people stay in there for one night easily.
Between bands I went over to Mulligans which is across the street and ran into Bacchus, we are still friends and I realized I may always have a tiny bit of a crush on him BUT I am over him as far as love is concerned. I wonder if it was ever real?
Were most of my feelings for him simply the over-reaction of my BPD? Or were some of the things I felt for him real, honest feelings blown out of proportion by BPD and now under control with the right meds. A couple of months ago I would have stayed at Mulligans to be with him even if it meant missing the show or I would have tried to get him to come to the show offering to pay his way and buy him a drink. As it was I said Hi, Hugged him a few times ((Hey I still like him...LOL)) and visited for about 10 mins before heading over to The Bouquet, alone.
I sometimes wonder if this is who I am... the way I am on the Abilify, I feel so much more content, safe in my reactions even if my impulse control sucks rocks still. I realized that I am not JUST the person with BPD, I am not JUST the person who has Manic Depression, I am not JUST the person I am when on meds, though I greatly prefer being this way, I like myself a lot more.
I am all of those things and they shape me. When I am on my meds I am the person I CAN be, and I can make the choice to stay on my meds and be the person I want to be.
I don't feel the need to have contact with people all the time, if I can't get ahold of a person I don't assume they are mad at me or avoiding me the way I was a few months ago. The difference is kind of scary and I know even at $10 a pill I will find a way to keep taking it if my insurance ever refuses me it.
This is the person I plan to be, I don't intend to go off my meds again for any reason, I like who I am now and a lot of people who know me tell me they really see a difference from how I was this winter.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Feeling Drawn
Or at least photoshopped
Numerology
| Your Expression Number is 9 |
| An idealist and humanitarian, you strive to make the world a better place. You do your best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion. Deep down, you dream of being loved by many. You are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. While you are very ambitious, you never lose site of perspective. You have an abundance of creative talents... you just need to tap into them. Although you are a giving person, you can become selfish if you are ignored. If you are not able to help people, you tend to shelf your talents. Without others, you become aloof and start to lack sensitivity. |
Sunday, June 05, 2005
My Sunday
So far it has been spent watching teen romances on cable. But I have a cold so that is my excuse.
You know that Melissa Joan Hart is a damn fine actress....LOL
You know that Melissa Joan Hart is a damn fine actress....LOL
Friday, June 03, 2005
I always knew it
Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
