Saturday, July 30, 2005
YOU MIGHT BE GOTH IF......
This is a repost from December of last year
You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit
You paid more then that for a fancy case to hold them in
You stop using the case cause someone else has one just like it
You won't get in a fight because it might smudge your make up
You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face
In the winter you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark
In the Summer you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark
People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing
The only day people don't look at you strange is is Halloween
You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them
You don't care
The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"
You were rooting for the vampires in "From Dusk Til Dawn", "Lost Boys", etc.
You compare all possible partners to them
The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child
You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count
You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer
You would rather not wear a coat in Winter then have it clash with your outfit
You can define 15 shades of black
You dye black clothing Blacker
You have almost gotten in a wreck because your platform boots or your drape sleeves got in the way
You own more clothing made of velvet, satin, leather and/or PVC than you have ever owned jeans
You tell a friend "I will wear the black outfit" and they say "which one?"
You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress" and they say "which one?"
You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress with sleeves to the floor" and they say "which one?"
You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night
You wear devil horns in the produce department at night
You wear devil horns to Denny's anytime
You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"
You know the names of the night-shift waitresses at Denny's
And they know yours
You have written poetry at Denny's
You have silverware from Denny's in your car
You consider coffee, cloves and booze the 3 food groups
You have more candles in your house then light bulbs
You have more candles in your house then a Catholic Church
You have candles in your house you took from a Catholic Church
You include trips to different graveyards on any plans you make to travel
You have had pictures taken of you in a graveyard
You have pictures of you in graveyard in every state you have ever been to
You have had sex in a graveyard
You have had sex in a graveyard in every state you have been to
You have Pictures of you having sex in every graveyard you have been to
You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre
Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to
Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does
You refer to others as "The Normals" or "Mundanes"
You only want to grow poisonous flowers in your garden
You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones
You think anything dead is pretty
You refer to your age in mortal years
You get offended if anyone calls you Mortal or Human
You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady
You laugh at anyone who gives themselves the honorary title of Lord or Lady then buy them a drink
You know what a Malkavian is
You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that and you have the t-shirt
You have been killed by a Malkavian at least once
You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year
You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years
People asked you "why didn't you dress up fo Halloween" and you are dressed as the Crow
The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss"
You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose
You think blood is "pretty"
Your boots have more eyes then you have years
Your boots are tall enough that you would get hurt if you fell off of them
Your boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years
You would live on Ramen for two years if you could just find the right pair of boots
You have worn costume fangs to a Goth club
You have worn costume fangs to Denny's
You have worn costume fangs to a family dinner
And your family did not notice the difference
You've willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery
You have more synth hair then real hair
You have hair a color that does not exist in nature
You get offended when someone in your family tells you that you are looking healthy these days
You own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.'s
You own even 1 Projekt c.d.
You are always trying to find bands your friends have not heard of yet
When someone else "discovers" your favorite band, you find another favorite band
You are always trying to find clothes your friends don't have yet
You get rid of clothes when your friends start wearing the same thing
Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street
Satanists just look at you and smile
You look at them and Laugh
Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day
You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier
But you look to both for fashion advice
You decide Wednesday blows them both away
You could spend $500 on just make up
You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store
You wish the Halloween store was open all year
Instead of after Christmas shopping you do after Halloween shopping
You buy gifts for your friends in the Halloween store
You were disappointed to find out that "American
Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers
You know lines from "American Psycho" by heart
You have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times
You can quote lines from it by heart
You own at least 3 items wiht "jack" on them
You own every movie Tim Burton has ever made
You try to find household items in black
You use black cotton balls
You have painted your fingernails black
You have painted your fingernails black with a marker and not even noticed you were doing it
You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours
You claim the Chupacabra is a pet of yours
You claim that YOU are the Chupacabra
You own a hearse
You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor
You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration"
You keep a coffin in the back as a bed
You think of the hearse as the "family car"
You think heresy is a religion
You claim heresy as YOUR religion
You own a rosary that you wear
Upside down
You wouldn't touch a cross with a six foot pole
You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that hangs from the rearview mirror in your car
You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years
You have argued on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires
You have actually refused to talk to someone after this debate
You wish to name your first born Lestat
You plan to name your first born after ANY Anne Rice character
You didn't know they were character names
You decorate your Christmas Tree with Bats and black ribbon.
You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.
So did she
All her bride maids wore black.
So did she
You don't take anti-depressants cause they might ruin the mood
You have a purse that is small and black and only hold your lipstick and eyeliner and enough money for drinks
Your purse is large, square and metal
The purse has scratches from being used in a fight
It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor
This is the reason it was scratched in a fight
You think bats are "cute"
Your family has finally started to buy you goth gifts
You mom calls to tell you she saw the cutest little spider pin at the store and she thought of you
You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up
You and your boyfriend fight over make up
You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up
You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith
You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them
You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition
You call them goth-tarts
You know what Renfield's Disease is
You have Renfield's Disease
You have taken anything on this list personally
You were offended
You laughed cause it reminds you of your friends
You paid more then that for a fancy case to hold them in
You stop using the case cause someone else has one just like it
You won't get in a fight because it might smudge your make up
You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face
In the winter you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark
In the Summer you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark
People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing
The only day people don't look at you strange is is Halloween
You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them
You don't care
The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"
You were rooting for the vampires in "From Dusk Til Dawn", "Lost Boys", etc.
You compare all possible partners to them
The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child
You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count
You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer
You would rather not wear a coat in Winter then have it clash with your outfit
You can define 15 shades of black
You dye black clothing Blacker
You have almost gotten in a wreck because your platform boots or your drape sleeves got in the way
You own more clothing made of velvet, satin, leather and/or PVC than you have ever owned jeans
You tell a friend "I will wear the black outfit" and they say "which one?"
You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress" and they say "which one?"
You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress with sleeves to the floor" and they say "which one?"
You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night
You wear devil horns in the produce department at night
You wear devil horns to Denny's anytime
You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"
You know the names of the night-shift waitresses at Denny's
And they know yours
You have written poetry at Denny's
You have silverware from Denny's in your car
You consider coffee, cloves and booze the 3 food groups
You have more candles in your house then light bulbs
You have more candles in your house then a Catholic Church
You have candles in your house you took from a Catholic Church
You include trips to different graveyards on any plans you make to travel
You have had pictures taken of you in a graveyard
You have pictures of you in graveyard in every state you have ever been to
You have had sex in a graveyard
You have had sex in a graveyard in every state you have been to
You have Pictures of you having sex in every graveyard you have been to
You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre
Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to
Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does
You refer to others as "The Normals" or "Mundanes"
You only want to grow poisonous flowers in your garden
You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones
You think anything dead is pretty
You refer to your age in mortal years
You get offended if anyone calls you Mortal or Human
You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady
You laugh at anyone who gives themselves the honorary title of Lord or Lady then buy them a drink
You know what a Malkavian is
You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that and you have the t-shirt
You have been killed by a Malkavian at least once
You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year
You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years
People asked you "why didn't you dress up fo Halloween" and you are dressed as the Crow
The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss"
You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose
You think blood is "pretty"
Your boots have more eyes then you have years
Your boots are tall enough that you would get hurt if you fell off of them
Your boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years
You would live on Ramen for two years if you could just find the right pair of boots
You have worn costume fangs to a Goth club
You have worn costume fangs to Denny's
You have worn costume fangs to a family dinner
And your family did not notice the difference
You've willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery
You have more synth hair then real hair
You have hair a color that does not exist in nature
You get offended when someone in your family tells you that you are looking healthy these days
You own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.'s
You own even 1 Projekt c.d.
You are always trying to find bands your friends have not heard of yet
When someone else "discovers" your favorite band, you find another favorite band
You are always trying to find clothes your friends don't have yet
You get rid of clothes when your friends start wearing the same thing
Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently
You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street
Satanists just look at you and smile
You look at them and Laugh
Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day
You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier
But you look to both for fashion advice
You decide Wednesday blows them both away
You could spend $500 on just make up
You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store
You wish the Halloween store was open all year
Instead of after Christmas shopping you do after Halloween shopping
You buy gifts for your friends in the Halloween store
You were disappointed to find out that "American
Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers
You know lines from "American Psycho" by heart
You have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times
You can quote lines from it by heart
You own at least 3 items wiht "jack" on them
You own every movie Tim Burton has ever made
You try to find household items in black
You use black cotton balls
You have painted your fingernails black
You have painted your fingernails black with a marker and not even noticed you were doing it
You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours
You claim the Chupacabra is a pet of yours
You claim that YOU are the Chupacabra
You own a hearse
You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor
You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration"
You keep a coffin in the back as a bed
You think of the hearse as the "family car"
You think heresy is a religion
You claim heresy as YOUR religion
You own a rosary that you wear
Upside down
You wouldn't touch a cross with a six foot pole
You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that hangs from the rearview mirror in your car
You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years
You have argued on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires
You have actually refused to talk to someone after this debate
You wish to name your first born Lestat
You plan to name your first born after ANY Anne Rice character
You didn't know they were character names
You decorate your Christmas Tree with Bats and black ribbon.
You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.
So did she
All her bride maids wore black.
So did she
You don't take anti-depressants cause they might ruin the mood
You have a purse that is small and black and only hold your lipstick and eyeliner and enough money for drinks
Your purse is large, square and metal
The purse has scratches from being used in a fight
It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor
This is the reason it was scratched in a fight
You think bats are "cute"
Your family has finally started to buy you goth gifts
You mom calls to tell you she saw the cutest little spider pin at the store and she thought of you
You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up
You and your boyfriend fight over make up
You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up
You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith
You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them
You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition
You call them goth-tarts
You know what Renfield's Disease is
You have Renfield's Disease
You have taken anything on this list personally
You were offended
You laughed cause it reminds you of your friends
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
pain
I have not been writing cause not much is going on except the pain I am suffering.
Today I found out that I have sever advanced arthritis in my left knee and probably my right as well. No one will give me a knee replacement at my size and with my compulsive eating I just dont seem to be able to loose weight. I am going to talk to the dr about getting on some kind of diet drug that might help the compulsion.
Basicly half the cartalidge in gone in my left knee and I have no idea at the moment how bad my right one is.
I will write again when I am not so depressed.
Today I found out that I have sever advanced arthritis in my left knee and probably my right as well. No one will give me a knee replacement at my size and with my compulsive eating I just dont seem to be able to loose weight. I am going to talk to the dr about getting on some kind of diet drug that might help the compulsion.
Basicly half the cartalidge in gone in my left knee and I have no idea at the moment how bad my right one is.
I will write again when I am not so depressed.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
What's been going on
Lets see the 4th of July I went to a Goth BBQ at a friends house, a dozen or two goths and friends sitting around lighting fireworks, hanging out talking about such things as the possibilities of surviving the zombie holocaust, eating hamburgers and having a good time at a pink house.
You have to admit the pink house just makes the image.
Thursday the seventh I finally gave into the pain that has been building in my knee and went to the Emergency room for x-rays, I have an appointment with an orthopedist next Thursday and I hope they can give me a cortisone shot or something to relieve the pain. Getting up and down is hell and walking is hard but so is sitting in one place for long or laying down. They gave me a very limited amount of pain meds and I save them for bed time since it is the only way I can sleep at all, so I spend the rest of the day in quite a lot of pain since over the counter stuff has no effect on this pain.
The next day I had to babysit a friends 6 year old, not easy when getting up and down tears you apart.
My Grandmother McNeil, my dads Mom, died last week and Saturday I went to her funeral and wake. It is sad that I had lost touch with her these last few years and I wish I had had more of a chance to get to know her.
It made me realize that we tend to think we have all the time in the world to make up with people, to get to know them better and to just let them know we love them, but we really don't.
That same night I went to the BBQ for the Fandamonium fan group and had a lot of fun even though the pain in my leg was getting to me pretty badly. It was an 80s party and while some of the music was a blast to hear again I can honestly say I am thrilled that the clothing and fashion is pretty much gone. I ended up going to coffee with a friend and stayed out till almost 3 am, so I was on the move from 10am to 3 am not good for my knee.
Sunday I visited with my friend for a while and worked on a new character for a different game and then went home, I wanted to go to Industria but I just hurt too much.
Monday I babysat again, I really love doing it and all but it is hard on my leg. We played Star Wars RPG and I did not get out of there till about 1 am so I was there from 8:30 am to 1 am, again a very very long day.
I have not had to babysit again this week, probably good for my knee but not for my pocketbook or my mood, watching a 6 yr old helps keep my mind off my problems and keeps me so tired I sleep at night.
Wednesday I hung out with my mom, went shopping and had a date with a friend and today I helped a friend move to her new place, I feel bad cause I could not lift anything but at least I could loan her the use of my mini van.
I am sure I am forgetting things, but I guess if I am forgetting it can't matter much right?
I will try to keep up better as I go and let you know what the Dr says next week.
PS I don't have any new pics of my cats and since princess is half shaved because of mats I don't think she would want me taking any.
You have to admit the pink house just makes the image.
Thursday the seventh I finally gave into the pain that has been building in my knee and went to the Emergency room for x-rays, I have an appointment with an orthopedist next Thursday and I hope they can give me a cortisone shot or something to relieve the pain. Getting up and down is hell and walking is hard but so is sitting in one place for long or laying down. They gave me a very limited amount of pain meds and I save them for bed time since it is the only way I can sleep at all, so I spend the rest of the day in quite a lot of pain since over the counter stuff has no effect on this pain.
The next day I had to babysit a friends 6 year old, not easy when getting up and down tears you apart.
My Grandmother McNeil, my dads Mom, died last week and Saturday I went to her funeral and wake. It is sad that I had lost touch with her these last few years and I wish I had had more of a chance to get to know her.
It made me realize that we tend to think we have all the time in the world to make up with people, to get to know them better and to just let them know we love them, but we really don't.
That same night I went to the BBQ for the Fandamonium fan group and had a lot of fun even though the pain in my leg was getting to me pretty badly. It was an 80s party and while some of the music was a blast to hear again I can honestly say I am thrilled that the clothing and fashion is pretty much gone. I ended up going to coffee with a friend and stayed out till almost 3 am, so I was on the move from 10am to 3 am not good for my knee.
Sunday I visited with my friend for a while and worked on a new character for a different game and then went home, I wanted to go to Industria but I just hurt too much.
Monday I babysat again, I really love doing it and all but it is hard on my leg. We played Star Wars RPG and I did not get out of there till about 1 am so I was there from 8:30 am to 1 am, again a very very long day.
I have not had to babysit again this week, probably good for my knee but not for my pocketbook or my mood, watching a 6 yr old helps keep my mind off my problems and keeps me so tired I sleep at night.
Wednesday I hung out with my mom, went shopping and had a date with a friend and today I helped a friend move to her new place, I feel bad cause I could not lift anything but at least I could loan her the use of my mini van.
I am sure I am forgetting things, but I guess if I am forgetting it can't matter much right?
I will try to keep up better as I go and let you know what the Dr says next week.
PS I don't have any new pics of my cats and since princess is half shaved because of mats I don't think she would want me taking any.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Sunday the 3rd of July
I had a lot of fun, first off I went over to my Brother and his GF's apartment and hung out with Courtney then we went over to my moms and the three of us went to Cafe Ole' for dinner and to visit.
I would have liked to visit more but even though it is not as bad as it was on the higher dose of medicine I still get really sleepy and worry about driving. It feels like someone has pulled the plug on a tub of water, all my energy just drains out. I came home and slept for about 3 hours.
Right now my sleep is totally disjointed, I sleep an hour or two at a time at most and sometimes I sleep literally 4 or 5 mins at a time. I really need to hide my clock so I stop seeing how little time I sleep between waking up.
I went to Industria and had a great time flirting with C*, I have not done that for months and he is a blast to flirt with and man does he bite good. I was invited to go to an afterhours party at a friends house but decided to go to IHOP for a couple of reasons. One I have to not drink anymore and I had already had a strong whisky and coke at the club and also Bacchus was going to be there and I had been feeling sort of like I use to, wanting more then I can have and being jealous even though I think it is the fact that drinking makes the meds not work so well. I knew I had to make a choice and the choice to be healthy was to simply not go. Being able to make that choice showed me I have not slipped back to where I was before.
I had a blast at IHOP, Brandy Angella and 10 other friends, new and old, showed up and we filled up most of the side wall. It took forever to get all of our food but we had a blast laughing about it.
This one young guy with HUGE mutton chop sideburns came over to our table and sat down and just started talking with us, we finally asked him if he knew any of us and would he please leave.
The longer we waited for our food the more we talked about eating him for dinner, thankfully my funnel cakes came in time to save his life.
Between large doses of caffeine, sugar and ketchup we were all hyped up and laughing out heads off.
Just as we were getting ready to leave two more guys came up to ask if we were LARPing (Live action role playing) and I feel kind of bad cause D* stood up and got in their faces. We explained that their friend had been bothering us and that no we were not larping but had been out dancing. You try not to take people asking questions badly but sometimes they are rude about it and then when someone asks something decent you are not in a good mood to deal with them.
Anyway I am hyped up on coffee and hot cocoa and funnel cakes and the birds are chirping and I need to go to bed now but I doubt I will sleep worth a damn... LOL
I will try to write more, who knows with the lower does maybe I can make myself blog more often.
MOOD: Good, cheerful, tired
WEATHER: Clear, chilly, predawn
LISTENING TO: Birds outside my window in my big tree,
I would have liked to visit more but even though it is not as bad as it was on the higher dose of medicine I still get really sleepy and worry about driving. It feels like someone has pulled the plug on a tub of water, all my energy just drains out. I came home and slept for about 3 hours.
Right now my sleep is totally disjointed, I sleep an hour or two at a time at most and sometimes I sleep literally 4 or 5 mins at a time. I really need to hide my clock so I stop seeing how little time I sleep between waking up.
I went to Industria and had a great time flirting with C*, I have not done that for months and he is a blast to flirt with and man does he bite good. I was invited to go to an afterhours party at a friends house but decided to go to IHOP for a couple of reasons. One I have to not drink anymore and I had already had a strong whisky and coke at the club and also Bacchus was going to be there and I had been feeling sort of like I use to, wanting more then I can have and being jealous even though I think it is the fact that drinking makes the meds not work so well. I knew I had to make a choice and the choice to be healthy was to simply not go. Being able to make that choice showed me I have not slipped back to where I was before.
I had a blast at IHOP, Brandy Angella and 10 other friends, new and old, showed up and we filled up most of the side wall. It took forever to get all of our food but we had a blast laughing about it.
This one young guy with HUGE mutton chop sideburns came over to our table and sat down and just started talking with us, we finally asked him if he knew any of us and would he please leave.
The longer we waited for our food the more we talked about eating him for dinner, thankfully my funnel cakes came in time to save his life.
Between large doses of caffeine, sugar and ketchup we were all hyped up and laughing out heads off.
Just as we were getting ready to leave two more guys came up to ask if we were LARPing (Live action role playing) and I feel kind of bad cause D* stood up and got in their faces. We explained that their friend had been bothering us and that no we were not larping but had been out dancing. You try not to take people asking questions badly but sometimes they are rude about it and then when someone asks something decent you are not in a good mood to deal with them.
Anyway I am hyped up on coffee and hot cocoa and funnel cakes and the birds are chirping and I need to go to bed now but I doubt I will sleep worth a damn... LOL
I will try to write more, who knows with the lower does maybe I can make myself blog more often.
MOOD: Good, cheerful, tired
WEATHER: Clear, chilly, predawn
LISTENING TO: Birds outside my window in my big tree,
Are these feelings real or are they chemical storms?
I had a great time tonight but I have got to stop drinking all together, not only does it make me so very sleepy the day after I drink it makes my meds very ineffective.
I am in kind of a catch 22 here. I was taking 10mg of my Abilify and all the obsessive feelings were getting under control BUT I was sleeping all the time it seemed and when I was awake I felt like I wanted to sleep so bad I was afraid to drive and missed a lot of appointments. So I am back on 5mg of Abilify and 200mg of Wellbutron and I while I still have weird dreams and disjointed sleep cycles I don't feel like a zombie when I am awake so much. Only problem (I hope that is the problem) is if I drink the meds are less effective.
It has been weeks since I felt obsessive about Bacchus and tonight I found myself feeling a lot of those old feelings of jealousy and worry about him. I THINK it is simply the BPD acting up because of the drinking but I am afraid that the 5mg dose is not going to be enough. I am going to try taking 250mg of the Wellbutron and 5mg of Abilify and see if it helps at all. I also need to spend some time away from him so I am making an effort to not see him for a week, which is a lot for me.
I find myself wishing I had a boyfriend in my life, so many of my friends seem to be couples and I feel left out. I simply want someone local to care about me as much as I could care about them, someone who thinks about me when I am not there and someone to do stuff with, even just boring old day to day stuff. I think I am feeling down about this cause I don't think it will ever happen to me again. I also worry that if I did find someone who cares about me my BPD will push them away, that I will feel jealous and insecure and needy and end up resenting the situation for bringing out my weaknesses.
Here is a problem I have, I can not tell if I am having normal, human feelings of loneliness and sorrow that anyone in my situation would feel or if I am having BPD/depression.
Are these feelings real or are they chemical storms in my brain?
You get to the point where you second guess every thought and feeling you have and where you can not tell the difference between the feelings just about everyone has at one time or another and the illness.
It is hard, it is easier to face the feelings when you are having them but it is hard to get any ground towards getting better when they are eating you up. But at the same time you get better by retraining your thought process which is harder to do if the meds take away all the symptoms and you don't feel motivated to dig into why you feel what you do other then the chemical storm in your brain. This illness is a mix of brain chemistry, altered neuro-pathways AND damaging thought processes, many of them learned over time from having a troubling past or even just from the fact that the BPD fills your head with negative thoughts until they become part of you even without the BPD chemical/neuro issues in play.
A friend said something about how his Inner Child was an addictive personality but his Inner Parent is controlling so it equals out.
Here is what I realized. MY Inner Child is a spoiled brat that wants what it wants when it wants it and refuses to deal with the consequences and my Inner Adult is only barely awake, having been in a coma all my life. Even with the meds my impulse control is shot to hell, I eat the wrong food, I spend money I can not afford to waste on stupid stuff, I drink when I know it is wrong and will only make me feel bad, I drive too fast and I tend to be way too sexual for my own good even though I am always safe I am talking about for my mental good.
Don't get me wrong I love sex, I like that men find me attractive and all that but when over and over all they want from me IS sex and nothing more then it eats away at me. Part of me feels I should be liberal and just enjoy and hell Part of me does, but a bigger part just feels unloved and unlovable. Obviously I don't feel proud of myself about this aspect of myself or I would have written about it before now, reading this most people would assume the only man I have been with this year was Bacchus but sadly that is not true. I have had a few lovers, a few I conceder Buddies and a few who ended up being one night stands though I had hoped for more. When I am with someone I love, who loves me or at least gives me the attention I need I can be totally faithful without question, but when I feel unloved I simply do what I want to enjoy the moment even if I feel bad about it later.
I don't want to be a person who gives into my impulses, who lives only by the concept of if it feels good do it. That attitude has me as big as I am, as unhealthy as I am and is part of why I am always so damn broke.
God why am I writing this, I may very well edit this soon, but I use this blog to sort out how I am feeling and what I feel and why, if I don't write it here I just don't write it at all sadly.
Being able to look back at what I was thinking and feeling helps a lot as I strive to get better.
I am in kind of a catch 22 here. I was taking 10mg of my Abilify and all the obsessive feelings were getting under control BUT I was sleeping all the time it seemed and when I was awake I felt like I wanted to sleep so bad I was afraid to drive and missed a lot of appointments. So I am back on 5mg of Abilify and 200mg of Wellbutron and I while I still have weird dreams and disjointed sleep cycles I don't feel like a zombie when I am awake so much. Only problem (I hope that is the problem) is if I drink the meds are less effective.
It has been weeks since I felt obsessive about Bacchus and tonight I found myself feeling a lot of those old feelings of jealousy and worry about him. I THINK it is simply the BPD acting up because of the drinking but I am afraid that the 5mg dose is not going to be enough. I am going to try taking 250mg of the Wellbutron and 5mg of Abilify and see if it helps at all. I also need to spend some time away from him so I am making an effort to not see him for a week, which is a lot for me.
I find myself wishing I had a boyfriend in my life, so many of my friends seem to be couples and I feel left out. I simply want someone local to care about me as much as I could care about them, someone who thinks about me when I am not there and someone to do stuff with, even just boring old day to day stuff. I think I am feeling down about this cause I don't think it will ever happen to me again. I also worry that if I did find someone who cares about me my BPD will push them away, that I will feel jealous and insecure and needy and end up resenting the situation for bringing out my weaknesses.
Here is a problem I have, I can not tell if I am having normal, human feelings of loneliness and sorrow that anyone in my situation would feel or if I am having BPD/depression.
Are these feelings real or are they chemical storms in my brain?
You get to the point where you second guess every thought and feeling you have and where you can not tell the difference between the feelings just about everyone has at one time or another and the illness.
It is hard, it is easier to face the feelings when you are having them but it is hard to get any ground towards getting better when they are eating you up. But at the same time you get better by retraining your thought process which is harder to do if the meds take away all the symptoms and you don't feel motivated to dig into why you feel what you do other then the chemical storm in your brain. This illness is a mix of brain chemistry, altered neuro-pathways AND damaging thought processes, many of them learned over time from having a troubling past or even just from the fact that the BPD fills your head with negative thoughts until they become part of you even without the BPD chemical/neuro issues in play.
A friend said something about how his Inner Child was an addictive personality but his Inner Parent is controlling so it equals out.
Here is what I realized. MY Inner Child is a spoiled brat that wants what it wants when it wants it and refuses to deal with the consequences and my Inner Adult is only barely awake, having been in a coma all my life. Even with the meds my impulse control is shot to hell, I eat the wrong food, I spend money I can not afford to waste on stupid stuff, I drink when I know it is wrong and will only make me feel bad, I drive too fast and I tend to be way too sexual for my own good even though I am always safe I am talking about for my mental good.
Don't get me wrong I love sex, I like that men find me attractive and all that but when over and over all they want from me IS sex and nothing more then it eats away at me. Part of me feels I should be liberal and just enjoy and hell Part of me does, but a bigger part just feels unloved and unlovable. Obviously I don't feel proud of myself about this aspect of myself or I would have written about it before now, reading this most people would assume the only man I have been with this year was Bacchus but sadly that is not true. I have had a few lovers, a few I conceder Buddies and a few who ended up being one night stands though I had hoped for more. When I am with someone I love, who loves me or at least gives me the attention I need I can be totally faithful without question, but when I feel unloved I simply do what I want to enjoy the moment even if I feel bad about it later.
I don't want to be a person who gives into my impulses, who lives only by the concept of if it feels good do it. That attitude has me as big as I am, as unhealthy as I am and is part of why I am always so damn broke.
God why am I writing this, I may very well edit this soon, but I use this blog to sort out how I am feeling and what I feel and why, if I don't write it here I just don't write it at all sadly.
Being able to look back at what I was thinking and feeling helps a lot as I strive to get better.
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Going out
I am getting ready to go out to industria tonight, sadly Boise is not big enough to have its very own goth club so we have to settle for Sunday nights in this huge gay bar here in town, thankfully it is a great place and very friendly to us. I love hanging out there, I have a lot of friends and wander around doing the social butterfly thing talking to everyone.
I am not really planning to do anything for the forth of July, I am not big on picnics and stuff so I will probably just take my friend Brandy out to lunch if we can find a place open.
I have been going out a lot, lots of first and second dates but so far no connections that might go past being friends. I would really love to have a real BF here in town, a guy I can do stuff with, I can find without much effort guys who want to get with me but finding one who wants to date me and who I want to date is another thing. I don't think I need a man to make me whole, I just would really like to have someone special in my life who thinks I am special as well.
Sadly I don't really think I am likely to find that any time soon.
I am not really planning to do anything for the forth of July, I am not big on picnics and stuff so I will probably just take my friend Brandy out to lunch if we can find a place open.
I have been going out a lot, lots of first and second dates but so far no connections that might go past being friends. I would really love to have a real BF here in town, a guy I can do stuff with, I can find without much effort guys who want to get with me but finding one who wants to date me and who I want to date is another thing. I don't think I need a man to make me whole, I just would really like to have someone special in my life who thinks I am special as well.
Sadly I don't really think I am likely to find that any time soon.
