Friday, January 30, 2004
out and about on payday
PAYDAY
I have sooooo much to do today, it is not funny, I have to go to the bank and arrange a transfer to grandmas account cause of the money I borrowed for the damn van ((that is its name DAMNVAN... )) which has ended up costing me more in repairs in the last few months then it cost to buy and now the steering wheel is loose and wobbles. I wish I could go back to the day I was going to buy it and slap myself on the head
I need to go to GreatClips and get my hair washed, for a couple of reasons one it is something I like having someone wash my hair, but also I don't have a fucking light in the bathroom or any heat and while I am willing to scrub my body since I can do it and get out fast I am not willing to sit in there and wash and rinse then repeat in the freezing cold darkness.
Then I need to get my emissions tested on the van, they are only OH 2 ½ months late what with all the repairs and if I don't have them done by tomorrow I loose my registration.
Fuck lets be honest here I just NEED to spend money, sometimes the need hits me even if it is just to go to the dollar store.
I have sooooo much to do today, it is not funny, I have to go to the bank and arrange a transfer to grandmas account cause of the money I borrowed for the damn van ((that is its name DAMNVAN... )) which has ended up costing me more in repairs in the last few months then it cost to buy and now the steering wheel is loose and wobbles. I wish I could go back to the day I was going to buy it and slap myself on the head
I need to go to GreatClips and get my hair washed, for a couple of reasons one it is something I like having someone wash my hair, but also I don't have a fucking light in the bathroom or any heat and while I am willing to scrub my body since I can do it and get out fast I am not willing to sit in there and wash and rinse then repeat in the freezing cold darkness.
Then I need to get my emissions tested on the van, they are only OH 2 ½ months late what with all the repairs and if I don't have them done by tomorrow I loose my registration.
Fuck lets be honest here I just NEED to spend money, sometimes the need hits me even if it is just to go to the dollar store.
42.01183% - Major Geek Girl
I have to admit it is true I am not just a BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) I am also a BBGG (Big Beautiful GEEK Girl) Not to mention a bit of a nerd... which is funny cause I am also wild, not what most people who see the site think of when they think geeky-nerd girl.
It says something that I am bummed I did not score higher then 42.01183% - Major Geek on THE GEEK TEST ... It says MUCH more that I am looking at the test and thinking of ways to get a higher score in 6 months....sigh
Things I can do to improve my geekiness
Join the SCA ((Wonderful group but the fact is to me the REAL middle ages were boring and I would like a fantasy version of the SCA better))
Get Dumped at a Dance or better yet a Star trek Convention
Get into active roleplaying (as opposed to in my head or in the bedroom)
read more ... H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen Hawking, The Knowne Worlde Handbook , Russian literature, entire computer manuals..... other then that I seem to have it covered reading wise
I think I lost some points for not believing Vampires, though I do believe in dragons (why the hell not) Aliens, and the Force.
I guess I need to get satellite TV cause I don't watch enough TV, ((I am the only person I know who wants satTV cause they miss TechTV and BBCAmerica oh yeah and Documentaries...SIGH I REALLY miss TechTV))
I need to see all the LOTR and Matrix movies again since you have to see them 2 times to count.
I don't own any DVDs myself so I lost points there, and I guess I also need to stock up on .... Slinkys, gaming supplies, collectable and gaming cards.
I guess I don't have enough gadgets but I don't want a cell phone or beeper cause I leave the house so i don't have to take calls. For some reason only having the one DVD player is just not enough, though I scored points on the DVD burner. I am lucking out cause of lack of space for things like a full set of encyclopedias ((that is what the net and DSL is for)) a voltmeter or a globe.
On the other hand I have so many art supplies I am drowning in them.
Again I loose points for not wanting to role play or buy more gadgets, and by not having a more hands on scientific bent, oh and I loose BIG points for not playing video games ((what is wrong with me????....SOB))
Sigh, I don't wear spock ears or vampire teeth and no fanny pack (with a fanny like mine it is not wise) also I HATE digital watches.
I guess I should BUY all those graphic novels and comics I go to Borders and Barnes and Nobel to read over coffee instead of just reading all of them. And lets be honest while I love the net side of computing and I have built a computer and know how they work I am just not into the programming side enough.
I think I should get massive bonus points for being very attracted to GEEKboys... yum.
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
It says something that I am bummed I did not score higher then 42.01183% - Major Geek on THE GEEK TEST ... It says MUCH more that I am looking at the test and thinking of ways to get a higher score in 6 months....sigh
Things I can do to improve my geekiness
Join the SCA ((Wonderful group but the fact is to me the REAL middle ages were boring and I would like a fantasy version of the SCA better))
Get Dumped at a Dance or better yet a Star trek Convention
Get into active roleplaying (as opposed to in my head or in the bedroom)
read more ... H.P. Lovecraft. Stephen Hawking, The Knowne Worlde Handbook , Russian literature, entire computer manuals..... other then that I seem to have it covered reading wise
I think I lost some points for not believing Vampires, though I do believe in dragons (why the hell not) Aliens, and the Force.
I guess I need to get satellite TV cause I don't watch enough TV, ((I am the only person I know who wants satTV cause they miss TechTV and BBCAmerica oh yeah and Documentaries...SIGH I REALLY miss TechTV))
I need to see all the LOTR and Matrix movies again since you have to see them 2 times to count.
I don't own any DVDs myself so I lost points there, and I guess I also need to stock up on .... Slinkys, gaming supplies, collectable and gaming cards.
I guess I don't have enough gadgets but I don't want a cell phone or beeper cause I leave the house so i don't have to take calls. For some reason only having the one DVD player is just not enough, though I scored points on the DVD burner. I am lucking out cause of lack of space for things like a full set of encyclopedias ((that is what the net and DSL is for)) a voltmeter or a globe.
On the other hand I have so many art supplies I am drowning in them.
Again I loose points for not wanting to role play or buy more gadgets, and by not having a more hands on scientific bent, oh and I loose BIG points for not playing video games ((what is wrong with me????....SOB))
Sigh, I don't wear spock ears or vampire teeth and no fanny pack (with a fanny like mine it is not wise) also I HATE digital watches.
I guess I should BUY all those graphic novels and comics I go to Borders and Barnes and Nobel to read over coffee instead of just reading all of them. And lets be honest while I love the net side of computing and I have built a computer and know how they work I am just not into the programming side enough.
I think I should get massive bonus points for being very attracted to GEEKboys... yum.
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Fast food and the unexpected $$
Ok so that whole "eat out less, eat at home and eat healthier" thing did NOT start today. I went to breakfast with grandma though all I actually ended up having was a slice of ham, a few fork fulls of hashbrowns and banana (I was not feeling well) that was at 7am. Did I mention MANY cups of coffee? Well that would explain why I have been up since 1am and it is nearly 11pm now.
So come 5pm and I start getting hungry so I take the $20 I found (more about it in a bit) and drove a three or so blocks over to Burger King, yeah dumb I know but I have to say it WAS raining and I did not feel like running across a very busy 4 lane street to get there. I grabbed a grilled chicken baguette sandwich with peppers.
So I am thinking ok I should be falling asleep anytime now right? No I am still buzzed and awake so I drove over to Wendy's for a grilled chicken sandwich, I wanted spicy but they were out so I got their lame chipolte sauce to put on it, I also ordered a baked potato. As I am there ordering these jack ass guys pull up behind me and start yelling a screaming so I have to pull up to the window to finish my order. The guy gives me my order and I decide to get a biggie Lemonaid... I joked with the guy that I should just keep ordering the dollar menu one item at a time to keep those jerks waiting.
I had spent all my money this morning at the store and breakfast so I figured I was broke until tomorrow. So there I am sitting at my desk when I decide to clean it ((SCARY)) it was a bit thick in junk with barely any room for my mouse...LOL. Anyway I am sorting through the junk and old mail and I find a envelope that says "Trina CDs" and I realize it was money my grandma gave me 2 months ago to buy blank CDs to record Old Time Radio shows on for Christmas gifts. I look inside and it is a twenty dollar bill.....SCORE!
Nothing is better then finding money you did not expect to have.
So come 5pm and I start getting hungry so I take the $20 I found (more about it in a bit) and drove a three or so blocks over to Burger King, yeah dumb I know but I have to say it WAS raining and I did not feel like running across a very busy 4 lane street to get there. I grabbed a grilled chicken baguette sandwich with peppers.
So I am thinking ok I should be falling asleep anytime now right? No I am still buzzed and awake so I drove over to Wendy's for a grilled chicken sandwich, I wanted spicy but they were out so I got their lame chipolte sauce to put on it, I also ordered a baked potato. As I am there ordering these jack ass guys pull up behind me and start yelling a screaming so I have to pull up to the window to finish my order. The guy gives me my order and I decide to get a biggie Lemonaid... I joked with the guy that I should just keep ordering the dollar menu one item at a time to keep those jerks waiting.
I had spent all my money this morning at the store and breakfast so I figured I was broke until tomorrow. So there I am sitting at my desk when I decide to clean it ((SCARY)) it was a bit thick in junk with barely any room for my mouse...LOL. Anyway I am sorting through the junk and old mail and I find a envelope that says "Trina CDs" and I realize it was money my grandma gave me 2 months ago to buy blank CDs to record Old Time Radio shows on for Christmas gifts. I look inside and it is a twenty dollar bill.....SCORE!
Nothing is better then finding money you did not expect to have.
Things to do at a showing of LOTR (thanks Luthien)
An on-line friend Luthien from Dimensions BBW Chat sent me this little list of wierd suggestions for watching Lord Of the Rings.
Things to do at a showing of LOTR
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the heck is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson!"
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frank-N-Furter and wander around looking terribly confused.
21. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
22. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
23. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
24. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
25. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
LOL this one fits me pretty well
Congratulations! You're Merry!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Things to do at a showing of LOTR
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the heck is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: "I must go! Middle Earth needs me!" and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson!"
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it.... MY way...!"
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next "Terminator" sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frank-N-Furter and wander around looking terribly confused.
21. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"
22. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Yoda would be like.
23. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
24. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
25. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
LOL this one fits me pretty well
Congratulations! You're Merry!
Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Srange sleep
Have you ever noticed the only times you get waken up OVER AND OVER ((like a dozen times)) by really annoying things... phone calls (3 times, 2 wrong numbers), your cat walking around the house bawling his little head off cause he doesn't thing anyone should sleep more them 3 hours (this happened 2 different times, I love Nepo but I wish he did not have so much Siamese in him) Cars outside revving there engines for like 20 mins (I know it is cold out but DAMN) and finally a sore on your foot (or anywhere) that is HEALED but still decides at random to itch so bad it wakes you up and you nearly rip it open?
My sleep schedule is screwed up to say the least, you can just look at the time stamps to see I am up at odd times. Last week (and for about a month before that) I was going to sleep at 7-8am everyday and waking up almost always between 5-6pm which is sunset, great for a vampire hard a person with SAD. I am trying to move my schedule around the clock a bit so right now I am going to sleep in the early afternoon and waking up at like 1am. At least unlike last week this does give me time to do things like go to the bank, not that I have the motivation.
So by the time I went to sleep today I was literally sick with tiredness, I was shaking and hurt from being so tired, Actually I had slept about 30 mins before my foot woke me up and I went in the bathroom to soak it and blew out not just the lightbulb but the light fixture and the little heater that was plugged into it...
the fixture is toast, old crap like the rest of the place and I can not get the heater unplugged from it without ripping out the plug-in... looks like I am going to have to replace the light myself since I am sure my landlady will throw a screaming fit if she saw a little space heater in the bathroom even on a shelf, I don't know if the damn heater which is new even works still
Anyway I figure oh it is a lightbulb big deal I can change that later, I take my bath and damn near fall asleep in it, so there I am damp and warm and ready for bed and I realize that it is not the bulb but the fuse which also goes to the water-heater so I put on some clothes trek out into the freezing rain and flip the breaker then come in side and find out the bathrooms one light is shot too hell. By this time I am laterally shaking I am so tired so I fall in bed and damned if it is not call after call and interruption after interruption
I was like DAMN just let me SLEEP... I did have some interesting dreams though.
My sleep schedule is screwed up to say the least, you can just look at the time stamps to see I am up at odd times. Last week (and for about a month before that) I was going to sleep at 7-8am everyday and waking up almost always between 5-6pm which is sunset, great for a vampire hard a person with SAD. I am trying to move my schedule around the clock a bit so right now I am going to sleep in the early afternoon and waking up at like 1am. At least unlike last week this does give me time to do things like go to the bank, not that I have the motivation.
So by the time I went to sleep today I was literally sick with tiredness, I was shaking and hurt from being so tired, Actually I had slept about 30 mins before my foot woke me up and I went in the bathroom to soak it and blew out not just the lightbulb but the light fixture and the little heater that was plugged into it...
the fixture is toast, old crap like the rest of the place and I can not get the heater unplugged from it without ripping out the plug-in... looks like I am going to have to replace the light myself since I am sure my landlady will throw a screaming fit if she saw a little space heater in the bathroom even on a shelf, I don't know if the damn heater which is new even works still
Anyway I figure oh it is a lightbulb big deal I can change that later, I take my bath and damn near fall asleep in it, so there I am damp and warm and ready for bed and I realize that it is not the bulb but the fuse which also goes to the water-heater so I put on some clothes trek out into the freezing rain and flip the breaker then come in side and find out the bathrooms one light is shot too hell. By this time I am laterally shaking I am so tired so I fall in bed and damned if it is not call after call and interruption after interruption
I was like DAMN just let me SLEEP... I did have some interesting dreams though.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Into the Dreaming
Ok there will be days when I don't post anything and days like today when I start posting at midnight and post a few times during the day, I figure it will equal out in the long run.
The first two posts I made today are pretty depressing... TRUE but depressing so I decided to add a few interesting bits of nonsense to even it out.
I Love, LOVE Quizilla, I doubt you can learn much about yourself there but it is fun to see what you come up with.
So I too the Which Greek God Are You? Quiz
Morpheus
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Well in this case it could not be more true, I live in the Dreaming all the time. In books, in my head, in my sleep. I am never truly bored cause my owe dreams and day dreams are better then anything on TV. One of the reasons I don't like taking my meds is they kill my sleeping dreams, I literally do not dream as much when I take my meds and for someone who loves to sleep and for who waking up is often a disappointment cause I want to see how the dream ends that is big deal.
Am I the only person who will get woken up in a dream and laying there half awake keep telling yourself the story of the dream, working out the ending in your head, hoping to catch hold of the tail of the dream and be pulled back into sleep?
I am a cognitive/lucid dreamer to a great extent, which use to drive my brother nuts because he would buy books on the subject and say "I am going to learn to control my dreams" and I would ask him "What do you mean?"
He explained Cognitive/lucid dreaming to me... Cognitive Dreaming means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. Lucid Dreaming is when you can shape and guide your dreams. You can learn to change things in your dreams, make things happen and even end a dream.
So I look at him after he has gone on a while about it and say "Wait I thought everyone did that, I have done that as long as I remember."
It is true I have only had maybe 3 bad dreams in my life, dreams I had no control over that and those were emotional not scary. I have had dreams that resemble what other people talk about nightmares, monsters, bad guys, zombies, disasters ... BUT I am always aware I am dreaming, there is always a feeling of WOW cool dream. I have directed these dreams like movies, creating a resistance against the monsters or whatever the same way a movie writer would and I have even as I felt a dream going to a place I knew I would be uncomfortable with either forced myself awake or simply changed the dream like changing the channel.
Maybe these are only the dreams I remember but hey those are the ones that count right.
The Lucid Dreaming Institute asks : "how do you know that you aren't dreaming right now?"
Simple I am never in pain in my dreams, even if I am in pain in my sleep it doesn't make it through my dreams.
The other reason this is the perfect Greek god is my favorite series of Graphic Novels are the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman It reminds you just how "deep" the comic medium can go, how the 4 color format, given time and enough pages can open entire worlds.
There is so much there I could get into but the fact is if you Have read the Sandman and/or the Death series you already know and if you have not nothing I tell you will prepare you for it. You will either love it or hate it
The first two posts I made today are pretty depressing... TRUE but depressing so I decided to add a few interesting bits of nonsense to even it out.
I Love, LOVE Quizilla, I doubt you can learn much about yourself there but it is fun to see what you come up with.
So I too the Which Greek God Are You? Quiz
Morpheus
?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Well in this case it could not be more true, I live in the Dreaming all the time. In books, in my head, in my sleep. I am never truly bored cause my owe dreams and day dreams are better then anything on TV. One of the reasons I don't like taking my meds is they kill my sleeping dreams, I literally do not dream as much when I take my meds and for someone who loves to sleep and for who waking up is often a disappointment cause I want to see how the dream ends that is big deal.
Am I the only person who will get woken up in a dream and laying there half awake keep telling yourself the story of the dream, working out the ending in your head, hoping to catch hold of the tail of the dream and be pulled back into sleep?
I am a cognitive/lucid dreamer to a great extent, which use to drive my brother nuts because he would buy books on the subject and say "I am going to learn to control my dreams" and I would ask him "What do you mean?"
He explained Cognitive/lucid dreaming to me... Cognitive Dreaming means dreaming while knowing that you are dreaming. Lucid Dreaming is when you can shape and guide your dreams. You can learn to change things in your dreams, make things happen and even end a dream.
So I look at him after he has gone on a while about it and say "Wait I thought everyone did that, I have done that as long as I remember."
It is true I have only had maybe 3 bad dreams in my life, dreams I had no control over that and those were emotional not scary. I have had dreams that resemble what other people talk about nightmares, monsters, bad guys, zombies, disasters ... BUT I am always aware I am dreaming, there is always a feeling of WOW cool dream. I have directed these dreams like movies, creating a resistance against the monsters or whatever the same way a movie writer would and I have even as I felt a dream going to a place I knew I would be uncomfortable with either forced myself awake or simply changed the dream like changing the channel.
Maybe these are only the dreams I remember but hey those are the ones that count right.
The Lucid Dreaming Institute asks : "how do you know that you aren't dreaming right now?"
Simple I am never in pain in my dreams, even if I am in pain in my sleep it doesn't make it through my dreams.
The other reason this is the perfect Greek god is my favorite series of Graphic Novels are the Sandman series by Neil Gaiman It reminds you just how "deep" the comic medium can go, how the 4 color format, given time and enough pages can open entire worlds.
There is so much there I could get into but the fact is if you Have read the Sandman and/or the Death series you already know and if you have not nothing I tell you will prepare you for it. You will either love it or hate it
Sick of being sick
I sound miserable, I look at this and the last post and I think damn what is the point I am physically in discomfort all the time and my mood sucks. The thing is unlike the old days I don't actually hate myself and I don't want to die I am just sick of being sick.
The fact is I have gastrointestinal problems since I was a small kid. I am basically messed up from one end to the other.
I have TMJ (bruxism) and it causes me to grind my teeth so bad it keeps me awake, or makes the sleep I get very unproductive, it causes my neck and shoulders and upper back to be stiff or hurt most of the time and I have literally had teeth shatter that were being worked on because the dentist did not see that they has fractured all the way to the root, I destroy fillings faster then you can imagine. In my case my teeth are literally to "Perfectly" aligned, they fit together with no distinctive over or underbite and I don't just grind at night I grind my teeth anytime I am not paying attention.
I have a hiatal hernia which sometimes causes pain in my back and chest like I am being stabbed, this comes along with Acid reflux since the part that is herniated is suppose to keep the acid from getting all the way out of your throat. I admit this is my fault, I spent a short time in highschool doing the bulimia thing and it tore me up, I know it is why I have problems with cavities in my teeth and I realize it is why I now throw up so easy anytime my stomach feels too full of pressure from gas or from pain, something that really plays hell on my body.
There is something wrong with my stomach, something that has been going on for years and just keeps getting worse. I have ulcer attacks off and on but what I am going through these days is something else, everything I eat no matter how bland or otherwise creates amazing amounts of gas ((yeah charming subject I know)) and it never passes through me, it sits in my stomach getting worse and worse til I burp over and over... hey so NOT being in a relationship right now has its upside since every night I feel like I am living in a frat house... but it is that or fall apart with the pain. I am going to make an appointment with a Dr. I have to I can not stand this anymore and after getting sick earlier this month I don't know if I should try pepto therapy in case it is a bacteria or what.
Oh yeah getting sick this month, REALLY sick. Starting on the 1st day of the year ((good omen huh)) I started to have chronic mind numbing cramps in my gut and intestines, admittedly it was probably related to what I had eaten since I have an intolerance to dairy that is beyond belief so I tried to wait it out, and I did for nearly 2 days. I spent two days in so much pain I thought death was better until I could not stand it anymore and called a cab to take me to the nearby hospital. When I got there at 6 pm they thankfully took me right in, they had the damnedest time getting a vein to get blood or put an IV in which they had to do realizing I was totally dehydrated ((something I am still having a really bad time with)) They wanted to get an MRI but I am too big for the machine and so they did Ultrasounds and X-Rays and I was admitted.
I spent 2 nights there being pumped full of IV fluids, Morphine ((which sadly had little effect other then to calm me down and putting me to sleep)) and Phenegran to keep me from throwing up. Finally after 3 days of liquid diet and bed rest I was in good enough condition to go home. The Dr thinks it may be Diverticulitis, literally pockets in my intestines since my white blood count was double the normal and the morphine did not help much.
I have hoped it would go away but it does not seem to be planning on it, this hurting every damn night, not being able to stay hydrated and not being able to take my pills without a burning pain afterwards has got to stop, I am like a bear with a dozen thorns in my paws and it is making me grumpy and nuttier by the day.
I know I am probably going to have to completely change the way I eat, I need to strip the kitchen bare and scrub it down and then stock up on what ever the Dr says and actually eat at home once in a while ((It is amazing how much I eat out)) this of course would be easier if my kitchen was not SOOOOOOO damn cold all the time. In this house I am lucky if I can cool and heat the front room and the bedroom and barely the bedroom. Though I have decided I damn well need to get off my ass and insulate the bedroom windows, I can not stand laying in bed and actually feeling a cold breeze gusting in from them ... LOL might as well just open them.
The fact is I have gastrointestinal problems since I was a small kid. I am basically messed up from one end to the other.
I have TMJ (bruxism) and it causes me to grind my teeth so bad it keeps me awake, or makes the sleep I get very unproductive, it causes my neck and shoulders and upper back to be stiff or hurt most of the time and I have literally had teeth shatter that were being worked on because the dentist did not see that they has fractured all the way to the root, I destroy fillings faster then you can imagine. In my case my teeth are literally to "Perfectly" aligned, they fit together with no distinctive over or underbite and I don't just grind at night I grind my teeth anytime I am not paying attention.
I have a hiatal hernia which sometimes causes pain in my back and chest like I am being stabbed, this comes along with Acid reflux since the part that is herniated is suppose to keep the acid from getting all the way out of your throat. I admit this is my fault, I spent a short time in highschool doing the bulimia thing and it tore me up, I know it is why I have problems with cavities in my teeth and I realize it is why I now throw up so easy anytime my stomach feels too full of pressure from gas or from pain, something that really plays hell on my body.
There is something wrong with my stomach, something that has been going on for years and just keeps getting worse. I have ulcer attacks off and on but what I am going through these days is something else, everything I eat no matter how bland or otherwise creates amazing amounts of gas ((yeah charming subject I know)) and it never passes through me, it sits in my stomach getting worse and worse til I burp over and over... hey so NOT being in a relationship right now has its upside since every night I feel like I am living in a frat house... but it is that or fall apart with the pain. I am going to make an appointment with a Dr. I have to I can not stand this anymore and after getting sick earlier this month I don't know if I should try pepto therapy in case it is a bacteria or what.
Oh yeah getting sick this month, REALLY sick. Starting on the 1st day of the year ((good omen huh)) I started to have chronic mind numbing cramps in my gut and intestines, admittedly it was probably related to what I had eaten since I have an intolerance to dairy that is beyond belief so I tried to wait it out, and I did for nearly 2 days. I spent two days in so much pain I thought death was better until I could not stand it anymore and called a cab to take me to the nearby hospital. When I got there at 6 pm they thankfully took me right in, they had the damnedest time getting a vein to get blood or put an IV in which they had to do realizing I was totally dehydrated ((something I am still having a really bad time with)) They wanted to get an MRI but I am too big for the machine and so they did Ultrasounds and X-Rays and I was admitted.
I spent 2 nights there being pumped full of IV fluids, Morphine ((which sadly had little effect other then to calm me down and putting me to sleep)) and Phenegran to keep me from throwing up. Finally after 3 days of liquid diet and bed rest I was in good enough condition to go home. The Dr thinks it may be Diverticulitis, literally pockets in my intestines since my white blood count was double the normal and the morphine did not help much.
I have hoped it would go away but it does not seem to be planning on it, this hurting every damn night, not being able to stay hydrated and not being able to take my pills without a burning pain afterwards has got to stop, I am like a bear with a dozen thorns in my paws and it is making me grumpy and nuttier by the day.
I know I am probably going to have to completely change the way I eat, I need to strip the kitchen bare and scrub it down and then stock up on what ever the Dr says and actually eat at home once in a while ((It is amazing how much I eat out)) this of course would be easier if my kitchen was not SOOOOOOO damn cold all the time. In this house I am lucky if I can cool and heat the front room and the bedroom and barely the bedroom. Though I have decided I damn well need to get off my ass and insulate the bedroom windows, I can not stand laying in bed and actually feeling a cold breeze gusting in from them ... LOL might as well just open them.
That All important First Post
I have decided to get back into Blogging again, as anyone who looked at my old blogs know they got pretty few and far between. I was doing all the old formatting on my blog and loading it and it was just too easy to put it off.
Of course as anyone who follows my page knows I also have not updated ANYTHING on the site for months, no new galleries of pics, no new art, no new erotica of links pages. Fact is winter pretty much shuts me down... not that I am much better in the middle of summer.
And I guess I have to be honest here (and that is more or less what the point of this thing is, journaling in a way I might actually keep up with right?) I have been off my meds for gods only know how long.(I am Bi-Polar) I have tried to go back on but keep blowing it... and I know it is a big part of why my life is so shot to hell right now, why I have no motivation, why I have no interest in getting involved with anyone or doing anything, hell I have joked on one night about wanting to get laid then passed up the chance the next day just because I don't want to be around anyone in a close and personal way, and this has been going on for MONTHS now.
This summer, about the time my blog went to hell, I went through a hardcore mania, I was not sleeping, staying out, hanging out downtown with people I barely knew and the truth is I was very wild, and was having a lot of sex... something I thought I had grown out of. Admittedly the reason I was doing it had changed a bit, I don't think I was being wild this time to improve my self esteem but lets be honest when enough guys lie to you to get you in bed then totally trash you it has the opposite effect of boosting your self esteem.... I sort of crashed out where men were concerned when one of them freaked me out and stole my bathing suit (I will tell you this story someday) and since early summer I just have not wanted anything to do with men really. Well in an amorphous way the idea of getting physical is a turn on sometimes, I admit I will see someone and think damn what a cutie, then I think yeah but I would have to put out so much effort to be with that person even for a little while and I just don't have the motivation.
I KNOW it is clinical depressionon top of Seasonal Affective Disorder and I KNOW I MUST start my meds again but the facts of depression and SAD is it is so hard to get motivated to do anything.
But it is time to get off my fucking ass and get my life somewhat back on track or I am going to be so deep in the shit I will never find my way out.
MY READING OF THE MOMENT
I am into the Florida Noir genre of books, most of them can not really be called mysteries though that is where you will find them at the book store.
Right now I am working my way through Tim Dorsey's books, as well as Karl Hiassen's.. here is what I finsihed reading this morning...
Tim Dorsey
Hammerhead Ranch Motel
Of course as anyone who follows my page knows I also have not updated ANYTHING on the site for months, no new galleries of pics, no new art, no new erotica of links pages. Fact is winter pretty much shuts me down... not that I am much better in the middle of summer.
And I guess I have to be honest here (and that is more or less what the point of this thing is, journaling in a way I might actually keep up with right?) I have been off my meds for gods only know how long.(I am Bi-Polar) I have tried to go back on but keep blowing it... and I know it is a big part of why my life is so shot to hell right now, why I have no motivation, why I have no interest in getting involved with anyone or doing anything, hell I have joked on one night about wanting to get laid then passed up the chance the next day just because I don't want to be around anyone in a close and personal way, and this has been going on for MONTHS now.
This summer, about the time my blog went to hell, I went through a hardcore mania, I was not sleeping, staying out, hanging out downtown with people I barely knew and the truth is I was very wild, and was having a lot of sex... something I thought I had grown out of. Admittedly the reason I was doing it had changed a bit, I don't think I was being wild this time to improve my self esteem but lets be honest when enough guys lie to you to get you in bed then totally trash you it has the opposite effect of boosting your self esteem.... I sort of crashed out where men were concerned when one of them freaked me out and stole my bathing suit (I will tell you this story someday) and since early summer I just have not wanted anything to do with men really. Well in an amorphous way the idea of getting physical is a turn on sometimes, I admit I will see someone and think damn what a cutie, then I think yeah but I would have to put out so much effort to be with that person even for a little while and I just don't have the motivation.
I KNOW it is clinical depressionon top of Seasonal Affective Disorder and I KNOW I MUST start my meds again but the facts of depression and SAD is it is so hard to get motivated to do anything.
But it is time to get off my fucking ass and get my life somewhat back on track or I am going to be so deep in the shit I will never find my way out.
MY READING OF THE MOMENT
I am into the Florida Noir genre of books, most of them can not really be called mysteries though that is where you will find them at the book store.
Right now I am working my way through Tim Dorsey's books, as well as Karl Hiassen's.. here is what I finsihed reading this morning...
Tim Dorsey
Hammerhead Ranch Motel
