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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 

I am back
Current mood: annoyed

Lets see what has been happening in TRinaland?For the last week or so I had a couple of guys on Yahoo claiming to be from Idaho City and Sun Valley talking to me on line, telling me how amazing I am, how I am the perfect woman, all that great stuff. Flattering huh? Yeah right up til I tried to get them on the phone and they would not do it, and they didnt have the balls to be honest or say Well I cant call right now. No they both of them told me that Yeah I will call in just a minute, in an hour, sometimes today, and then never did. Then after I called them on it they stopped talking to me.Does anyone know if you can be on yahoo messenger under two names at the same time without having to use like two computers? Cause I honestly think these might be the same guy. I hate to think that there are TWO of them. And guys wonder why we dont always trust them?Oh yeah the first one promised to rent a hotel room at the anniversary inn so that I could take picture for my website, after we had talked for a while he was offering to take me to the Pleasure Boutique and buy me toys even though I had not asked for them it just came up I wanted a set of leather wrist restraints. He started on about how he was going to buy me all this stuff and no string attached unless I wanted to. Then he pulled his little we will go out Friday I promise and then disappearing thing.So I thought I would write him a story about what might have happened if he got everything he told me he fantasized about doing. I called it the Lost Weekend (which is probably one of my hottest stories yet) and sent it to him. I hope he does read it and his most likely married heart out. By the way Sam Puchinalli sucks.The fact is lots of fat chicks think the guys who like them are crazy, I am starting to agree that a lot of them are, not because they like fat chick but because they live so much of their time in a fantasy world about what it would be like to find the perfect fat chick, and she never seems to be the one they have if they have one. Now I dont claim it is all of them I have met some great BBW Admirers, but boy I have met some nut balls. And yes I know there are nut balls interested in average women as well but I dont have to deal with them so what can I say.Lets see what happened otherwise? Not a whole hell of a lot, my weekend pretty much sucked with my boy toy yet again doing his I will try to get into town to see you all weekend thing and then not being able to which I at least understand to some extent cause of his kids. I finally did see him Monday after I had been up late at Industria and I was exhausted and he was depressed about his kinds going out of town, yeah lets just say it did not end up being a party filled day.We started playing all flesh must be eaten at Jeffs so let see how that goes cause I ended up taking a ready made character and I am a cheerleader. I just dont have a cheerleader personality.So to recap, men are making me crazy on line and in real life, and I am a cheerleader. Yeah that is just about my week.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006 

Sorry
Current mood: confused
Sorry I havent been blogging lately, my life really hasnt been anything that I want to write about right now, I have a lot of crap I am confused about at the moment, primarily men and how I feel about my interactions with them and theirs with me . . . But what else is new?Hopefully some of it will be figured out this weekend and I will get back to writing in my blog.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tuesday, August 22, 2006 

I want
I want someone in my life
I want someone who does what they say they are going to do
when they say they are going to do it
and how they say they are going to do it.
I want someone who cares as much for me as I do for them.
I want someone who needs to be with me
who wants me for me
Who will treat me the way I treat them.
I just want someone in my life who deserves to be there.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday, August 18, 2006 

Hate the mall
Current mood: sleepy

I will never, ever go to the Mall for another haircut so long as I live. Danielle and I went to the mall because she wanted to get her hair done at Master Cuts. They told us an hour, two hours later I was finally in the chair.Thank goodness for What Not to Wear, Danielle and I watch people go by at the mall and talk about the odd things they choose to wear. Mind you I am the last person who should talk about what other people wear but it doesnt stop me.I am about ready to give up on the weekly Goth Meet up, no one is showing and I think it is kind of burned out, I am going to try for the once a month thing, maybe the first Thursday of the month even though that is a busy day downtown, at least the place is jumping and maybe people would show up for a once a month get together if I remember to advertise it a bit more.I spent most of last night writing more of my BBW Erotica, I added two chapters to an on going story, I think they came out great. Check out my writing if you want.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday, August 13, 2006 

Weird weekend

Friday Danielle and I went out to Mulligan's for a couple of hours, I just couldn't pull my head out long enough to feel anything but crappy.The place was pretty dead, don't ask me why it just was and there wasn't even enough badly dressed people to make the evening interesting so we left early. I was feeling physically fine, just down, in fact my knees have been doing great actually for the last 3 weeks or so. All I wanted to do was get to sleep at a reasonable time and just not think so I took a Lunesta, they are suppose to help you sleep for 8 hours.I slept at least 13.I got up just long enough to call Brandy and ask her when her BBQ was going to be on Saturday morning and she said between 5 and 6 PM. Then I set the alarm and went back to sleep.Here is the weird thing, I woke up with the most intense pain my knee and it isn't from the joint, it is from the muscle, that long muscle that connects to the outside of your knee, up your thigh.. And from walking so weird because of it the same muscle is hurting not quite so bad on the other leg. Here is the scary thing, I usually even with the worse knee pain don't have too bad a time getting up from the edge of the bathtub (I sit there to rinse off or to brush my hair or put on my shoes) I have yet to think "I am not going to get up this time, I am going to get stuck."And yet today I wasn�t sure I could get up from there. I had to straddle the edge and use the door handle, my leg was just that weak.I have sort of been fooling myself these last few weeks that I am not going to ever get so bad with the arthritis that I will end up in a wheelchair. I have been telling myself that I will be able to handle any pain that hits me. I am wrong.If this pain does not go away soon I am in huge trouble, I just can't handle it, it keeps me from wanting to do anything, I have to keep moving, I have to keep mobile or I might as well just give up and die.Brandy's BBQ went nice, Jeff and Marissa and Danielle showed up with Nadia (who came back from Washington early) Normal Dan was there as were friends of Tom's. Jeff and Marissa were in full pirate gear for the pirate party at the Plank. They had to drive to the next town over to drop Nadia off and then come back so I took Danielle with me to drop her check at the bank and stop by my house to see if I could find something to wear that was Piratey. No such luck, all my costume type clothing is put away.Danielle and I showed up early and waited for Jeff and Marissa to get there, they were having karaoke that night and I don't do that at all, not even a little, it literally hurts me to try to sing like that. And then the fact is I am just Down, I was pretty manic there for a month and a half, misbehaving, drinking a bit more then usual and being a bit crazy, maybe it is only reasonable that I also have a bit of depression. My meds do work, but what most people don't get is even with a full spectrum of meds I still have symptoms, just milder versions. I still have borderline feelings only I am better able to deal with them and not act on them. I still have Bi-polar incidents but not as often or as intensely, I know if I was Not taking my meds I would be so depressed I would not function at all right now.Anyway I ended up going home around 10:30 because I was feeling so down and I did not feel good physically, and there is only so much tiddlywinks you can play with fake pirate gold while listening to a Chinese man sing in Chinese.I finally got to sleep around 2 am and I woke up at 4 shaking like a leaf, so cold I thought I would freeze to death, the thermostat on my clock said it was 72, a tad cool but not so much so that I should be racked with the shakes. All my winter blankets were put up so I ended up putting on two vel-lux blankets and a sheet and putting my heating pad on my feet. I got warm but while I was still there so cold I was shaking my face got flushed and hot and I felt light headed. I took the heating pad off my feet when I stopped shaking and fell back to sleep to wake up maybe 20 mins later so hot I could not stand it. This is how the next 4 hours went, alternating between freezing (chills) and sweltering (night sweats) I drank a half gallon of water in that time and when I woke up at 8 to go get Jeff I was sleeping fine without a blanket as I usually do when it is over 70* in my house and the temp on the clock was 73*I don't know what caused it, but I hope it is over.Mom called while I off taking Jeff to work and asked if I wanted to go to breakfast with her so we went to Rockies and I had a strawberry waffle and Ice tea. My mom and Brother later brought over a couch for my computer room (which the cats have decided is for them which is fine since they are not under my feet).My brother is coming to Industria tonight which is cool and I am giving Brandy a ride there so she can get out for the first time since the baby was born. I probably wont stay too late since I am still hurting even with the Vicadin

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Happy?
Current mood: depressed

I looked at the Johari window I have on the front of my profile, where 28 people chose an average of 6 words (out of a list) that they thought of when they thought of me. Dozens of words were chosen, most of all Intelligent. Out of the only 8 words not chosen for me was HAPPY.I was always shocked by this in the past, I laugh at everything, I try hard to enjoy life, I WANT to be happy, and sometimes I even am.But a lot of the time I am not, I am not even miserable per say, I am just not happy a lot of the time. I want so much I can't have, little things like not being in pain, not hurting inside and out and being loved by someone I can love back.I have come to the decision that some people are just not meant to be truly happy. Some are meant to never be properly connected, they are always just a little disconnected from the world. Weird that a lot of people, many who don't even know me see that and yet I didn't want to.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Friday, August 11, 2006 

Another week at a glance
Current mood: pensive
Well this last week has been interesting, I got in a wreck on last Friday.I was driving down Emerald when this woman pulled out in front of me with only about 2 car lengths between us and even though I stepped on the breaks I slammed into her. She was young and driving what looked like a brand new car. I asked if she was alright and she said yes and then I told her to pull up behind me and I would get her info, I pulled over to the side of the road and looked back to see that she had driven away and was already half way down the street. The side of her car had huge deep gouges in it and probably was worse off than my car, I can only assume she did not have insurance or a license or something.When I got back to my place I saw that the front of my car was leaking and that my turning light had been completely sheered off but thankfully my headlight was fine. I could only open the door just far enough to get my big ass out if it and I was scared the radiator was broken.My uncle came over to look at it and found that it was the plastic reserve tank to the radiator which had cracked and he was able to fix it and pull the front panel enough to get the door to open right. The blinker is hopeless so I have to single with my hand. My aunt cleaned out my car which had gotten horribly messy so now I am trying really hard to keep it clean.Sunday night I went to Industria with my friend CJ and when I went to drive him home I stopped at this little 24 hour Mexican place and got the best burrito I had ever had for $3.Then I got food poisoning first thing in the morning and had to call my mother at 6 am to bring over a wet dry vac. I was sick all day.Other then that it has been a really mellow week except that I have finally gotten motivated again and started writing more BBW erotica. I looked at my stuff and tried to figure out what I have not written about yet and realized that I didnt have anything with Males dominating Females only females dominating everyone. So I did a two part story, Gothic Man and The Shopping Spree, as well as finally writing the third part of a story I did a long time ago.Not chatting in chat rooms this week has given me a lot of time to actually get stuff done.Mind you I have come to the conclusion that I still just cant allow myself to care about anyone or I will end up hurting, my meds dont make all my Borderline symptoms go away they just make it so I can tell right away I am thinking wrong. The best way I can explain it is I KNOW something but FEEL something else and I dont seem to be able to stop it and just let myself trust.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Thursday, August 03, 2006 

A Week Worth Of Blogging
Current mood: cheerful

Wow I havent blogged in a week, it isnt even that I have been that busy I just havent been motivated. The weather broke finally and the temps have been in the 80s and 90s and my SAD broke like that. I feel 100% better and even though my sleep is, as always, fucked up I am not sleeping 12 hours a day.FRIDAY, Danielle came over early and hung out, I made us dinner and we watched WHAT NOT TO WEAR on TLC, that night at Mulligans we kept seeing people in unattractive clothing and saying What not to wear.SATURDAY, Marissa went out of town to see her great grandmother who is ill and so Danielle, Jenna and I dragged Jeff to Mulligans and hung out for a while. I was going to meet a new friend there but Jenna mentioned that a lot of our friends would be at a pirate party and I ended going to that.I had only eaten a small piece of chicken and some rice all day long and had taken a vicadin at 7 so when I had something to drink after midnight it hit me like a bomb. Had to get sick to sober up and I hate doing it but if I hadnt I would have passed out. I have to be more careful, as it was I did not get home until 4 or asleep until 6amSUNDAY, Had to pick Jeff up at 8 am and couldnt go back to sleep til 2:30 so I called him and asked him to try to find a ride home since I was so tired I was afraid to drive and my knee was killing me. Thankfully Jenna gave him a ride home.I got some sleep and finally took my anti inflammatory which I had forgotten to take that morning so I was alright to go to the Balcony for Industria. It was a bit dead and I just hung out with some friends and talked and avoided drama.MONDAY, breakfast with mom, pretty much just hung out at home until game time. We had a blast playing the game and even though we drank quite a bit we got a lot done game wise. I went to surprise Danielle at work and SURPRISE someone had not gone to work after all and so I just went and had lunch.TUESDAY, it was payday and I woke up at 4 am so I went shopping at Wal-Mart at 6 am so that I could avoid the crowds. I ran some errands and took a nap and then got on to chat, I met the coolest guy in Ohio (the cool ones who think I am hot are always far away) and we voice and cam chatted for 3 hours and then he called me and we talked for 3 more. So I was up to 6 am on WEDNESDAY and slept a lot of the day away until 3 and then went and got Danielle (after making damn sure she was there) and we went to happy hour and stopped at the store to get her some money orders. My neck has been killing me so I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed around 11 and woke up around 2 then went to bed again around 4 and slept until 7:30 when I went shopping again. It is so nice out right now the temp is on 67* and even though the painter guys are outside making a racket it feels wonderful.