Saturday, August 27, 2005
Tattoos
These are some questions I posted on a mailing list and my answers
1# do you have any tattoos?
Yes
2# What tattoos do you have and where?
I have 6 or 7 depending on how you count it.
On my left front shoulder I have a goddess above the symbol OHM and over a blue lotus
On my right arm I have a poison arrow tree frog
on my right front shoulder I have a bird of paradise flower that connects over my shoulder to another tattoo
two dragon flies in mating position as well as two more on the other side of my back
on my left ankle I have a half band with an anhk in the middle
on my right calf I have a bow and arrow
3# Do you plan on getting any(more?) and what do you want to get?
I want to get a butterfly or two flying on my back and a few more tropical flowers there.
#4 If you could have any tattoo on your body at no cost by the best artists what would you have done?
I would have my back worked into one piece using flowers and more flying insects to make jungle looking back piece
#5 for those of you who have tattoos did you enjoy getting them? How did it feel to get a tattoo for you?
The weirdest thing for me was when I had my shoulders done and I would feel as if I was being tattooed behind my neck or ear, the nerves are just weird that way. It hurt but pain like that is something you get through, breath through and barely
remember afterwards.
1# do you have any tattoos?
Yes
2# What tattoos do you have and where?
I have 6 or 7 depending on how you count it.
On my left front shoulder I have a goddess above the symbol OHM and over a blue lotus
On my right arm I have a poison arrow tree frog
on my right front shoulder I have a bird of paradise flower that connects over my shoulder to another tattoo
two dragon flies in mating position as well as two more on the other side of my back
on my left ankle I have a half band with an anhk in the middle
on my right calf I have a bow and arrow
3# Do you plan on getting any(more?) and what do you want to get?
I want to get a butterfly or two flying on my back and a few more tropical flowers there.
#4 If you could have any tattoo on your body at no cost by the best artists what would you have done?
I would have my back worked into one piece using flowers and more flying insects to make jungle looking back piece
#5 for those of you who have tattoos did you enjoy getting them? How did it feel to get a tattoo for you?
The weirdest thing for me was when I had my shoulders done and I would feel as if I was being tattooed behind my neck or ear, the nerves are just weird that way. It hurt but pain like that is something you get through, breath through and barely
remember afterwards.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I was getting in damn-van (my mini vans name) at my apartment complex yesterday when this woman walks up to me, first off she was wearing a total bright pink
matching top and bottom outfit secondly she had her hair all curled up on top of her head in a very elaborite style, very 50s (she was probably in her 30s) thirdly she had the sourest look on her face.
As she is walking towards me she says in a very stern voice "I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IN GOD AND LORD JESUS" and she starts to head away from my car and I look at
my mom for a second like WTF? until I realize the woman is staring at the back of my van where my bumperstickers are... my dozen or more bumper stickers.
I wave at her as I start the car, a little afraid that this rabid christian is going to bite me, and say "Well that good, glad that is working out for you." and then pull off.
Now the only bumper sticker I can think that upset her is my DARWIN or possibly my EVE WAS FRAMED but man she looked ready to beat me with a bible.
I have nothing against anyones religions but have you ever noticed how little a sence of humor some fundimentalist and born agains have?
it is like someone who gives up drinking or smoking and wants to tell everyone about it.
I see religious bumperstickers, anti-abortion stickers and pro war stickers on cars all over the place and just figure that is their right of free speech and while it would be my right to say something....WHY?
I am not going to change their mind, that woman did not change my mind only made me laugh at her attitude.
Why waste your time making snide remarks?
It is like teaching a pig to sing, wastes your time and annoys the pig.
matching top and bottom outfit secondly she had her hair all curled up on top of her head in a very elaborite style, very 50s (she was probably in her 30s) thirdly she had the sourest look on her face.
As she is walking towards me she says in a very stern voice "I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I BELIEVE IN GOD AND LORD JESUS" and she starts to head away from my car and I look at
my mom for a second like WTF? until I realize the woman is staring at the back of my van where my bumperstickers are... my dozen or more bumper stickers.
I wave at her as I start the car, a little afraid that this rabid christian is going to bite me, and say "Well that good, glad that is working out for you." and then pull off.
Now the only bumper sticker I can think that upset her is my DARWIN or possibly my EVE WAS FRAMED but man she looked ready to beat me with a bible.
I have nothing against anyones religions but have you ever noticed how little a sence of humor some fundimentalist and born agains have?
it is like someone who gives up drinking or smoking and wants to tell everyone about it.
I see religious bumperstickers, anti-abortion stickers and pro war stickers on cars all over the place and just figure that is their right of free speech and while it would be my right to say something....WHY?
I am not going to change their mind, that woman did not change my mind only made me laugh at her attitude.
Why waste your time making snide remarks?
It is like teaching a pig to sing, wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Why I haven't been posting
My life is basically a disaster.
I don't know if it is the Darvon I am taking for pain or the pain itself not to mention the turmoil of moving, but I have been so depressed lately. I feel as if everything in my life is falling apart at the seams.
I was doing so good just 2 months ago.
I was not in the pain I am in, only mild pain in my knee.
I had my apartment the way I wanted it.
I was feeling very happy and not too depressed.
And I thought I was over Bacchus.
Now it is all falling in around my ears.
I am in physical pain everyday, to some extent or another every minute, even when I am doped up. Walking hurts most of the time and going up and down my stairway is hell.
Which is why I moving to another apt in the complex, mind you where my apt is up front and has lots of parking I am now moving back to a different one where there is next to no parking. I wish I had looked for another apartment somewhere else now. I have had to pack up everything I own and now I will have to fix the walls where there are tack holes, pay to have the carpet repaired where fingernail polish stained it and redo everything in the new place. The only good thing is I have given away bags and boxes of stuff and threw away my old under-dressers which were getting ragged after having my beds up on them for the last 13 years.
Maybe it is the physical pain, maybe it is the drugs but I have been so depressed and my feelings for Bacchus seem as strong and painful as ever. I feel like I will never find a boyfriend, no one seems to want anything more from me then sex and I keep judging them all against him.
I don't want it to seem as if I never have any fun, this Friday I went to see CKY at a local concert house which was a lot of fun. Saturday we had a BBQ at some friends house but now my knee hurts worse then before, I am so tired I can't think strait and yet I just can't sleep.
I don't want to be like this, I want to be happy and enjoy my life.
I don't know if it is the Darvon I am taking for pain or the pain itself not to mention the turmoil of moving, but I have been so depressed lately. I feel as if everything in my life is falling apart at the seams.
I was doing so good just 2 months ago.
I was not in the pain I am in, only mild pain in my knee.
I had my apartment the way I wanted it.
I was feeling very happy and not too depressed.
And I thought I was over Bacchus.
Now it is all falling in around my ears.
I am in physical pain everyday, to some extent or another every minute, even when I am doped up. Walking hurts most of the time and going up and down my stairway is hell.
Which is why I moving to another apt in the complex, mind you where my apt is up front and has lots of parking I am now moving back to a different one where there is next to no parking. I wish I had looked for another apartment somewhere else now. I have had to pack up everything I own and now I will have to fix the walls where there are tack holes, pay to have the carpet repaired where fingernail polish stained it and redo everything in the new place. The only good thing is I have given away bags and boxes of stuff and threw away my old under-dressers which were getting ragged after having my beds up on them for the last 13 years.
Maybe it is the physical pain, maybe it is the drugs but I have been so depressed and my feelings for Bacchus seem as strong and painful as ever. I feel like I will never find a boyfriend, no one seems to want anything more from me then sex and I keep judging them all against him.
I don't want it to seem as if I never have any fun, this Friday I went to see CKY at a local concert house which was a lot of fun. Saturday we had a BBQ at some friends house but now my knee hurts worse then before, I am so tired I can't think strait and yet I just can't sleep.
I don't want to be like this, I want to be happy and enjoy my life.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Who I want to be
This song is all about who I want to be, I may not be there yet but I am working on it.
ALANIS MORISSETTE
"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
ALANIS MORISSETTE
"You Owe Me Nothing In Return"
I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is
You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
Monday, August 01, 2005
My life is changing
In just two months my life has changed so much, I went from mild, annoying pain to blacking out from the agony I was feeling in my knees. I went from thinking that living in an upstairs apartment was good for me to realizing I am going to have to move to keep the stairs from ruining my knees any worse then they have. I went from finally unpacking everything and decorating my apartment where I thought I would be living for the next 5 or so years to trying to get packed up again to move to a new place.
I feel so loaded down, everything is ganging up on me and making me crazy, I can't think clear and I feel like I am running in to walls.
There are still good moments, I have been babysitting my friend Jeff's little girl and it makes me feel a lot better. My Ex-bf's children hated me, they were not exactly loveable where I was concerned either, making me feel like a monster all the time and making me doubt my ability to even be near children, they really messed with my head.
Nadia hugs me and tells me she loves me and tells me it is alright that I can not play in the park with her the way i wish I could. She has given me the confidence to also take care of another friend's child.
Jeff, Nadia and I went to the park for the Goddess Festival this saturday, I ended up walking all over hell and breakfast. I figure I am going to hurt, nothing will stop that from happening but I can't let it stop me from enjoying my life.
I feel so loaded down, everything is ganging up on me and making me crazy, I can't think clear and I feel like I am running in to walls.
There are still good moments, I have been babysitting my friend Jeff's little girl and it makes me feel a lot better. My Ex-bf's children hated me, they were not exactly loveable where I was concerned either, making me feel like a monster all the time and making me doubt my ability to even be near children, they really messed with my head.
Nadia hugs me and tells me she loves me and tells me it is alright that I can not play in the park with her the way i wish I could. She has given me the confidence to also take care of another friend's child.
Jeff, Nadia and I went to the park for the Goddess Festival this saturday, I ended up walking all over hell and breakfast. I figure I am going to hurt, nothing will stop that from happening but I can't let it stop me from enjoying my life.
