Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Finding Mr. ???
People keep telling me "Just hang on you will find Mr. Right."
Here is the thing though, I really don't need to find Mr. Right at this moment. In fact I probably need to NOT find him, I need to get to a point where I can have male friends without them being my Boy-friend or me wanting them to be. I really have always gotten along with men best though I do have some really good female friends.
All I really want right now is to go out with a few guys, get to know them, flirt, have fun and not get in too deep.
Here is the thing though, I really don't need to find Mr. Right at this moment. In fact I probably need to NOT find him, I need to get to a point where I can have male friends without them being my Boy-friend or me wanting them to be. I really have always gotten along with men best though I do have some really good female friends.
All I really want right now is to go out with a few guys, get to know them, flirt, have fun and not get in too deep.
Exodus
How odd, I now know three different people living in Boise who are leaving town in June, one I just started talking to and two who I have known off and on for a while.
Personally I like Boise and am not in a hurry to live anywhere else but I do see how people could want to move, to see if not being in the same place will make a difference in their lives. Every so often I want to run away from home and get out of town for a week but money is usually an issue but as far as moving for good I just don't see it.
Personally I like Boise and am not in a hurry to live anywhere else but I do see how people could want to move, to see if not being in the same place will make a difference in their lives. Every so often I want to run away from home and get out of town for a week but money is usually an issue but as far as moving for good I just don't see it.
Unleashed
I went out tonight with Daniel to Cafe Ole' where we hung out and ate chips and salsa while drinking pop and then went to see the Jet Li film UNLEASHED. I was truly impressed by this film if not by the behavior of the back two rows of patrons who were rude and asses.
Unleashed is not the usual Jet Li film, it is much deeper and darker in some ways but the action scenes were intense and the story interesting.
I really like Daniel, and I plan to learn from my past mistakes and try not to get needy and greedy, not to let my BPD rule my life and friendship with him. I have to be in control not my BPD.
Daniel said he read my site and I wonder how far he has read this blog, it scares me when I think of some of the things I have written in the throes of my illness or depression, things are so different now, I feel so much more in control of my life and my feelings and while it is not always easy to trust and have faith I am trying.
Unleashed is not the usual Jet Li film, it is much deeper and darker in some ways but the action scenes were intense and the story interesting.
I really like Daniel, and I plan to learn from my past mistakes and try not to get needy and greedy, not to let my BPD rule my life and friendship with him. I have to be in control not my BPD.
Daniel said he read my site and I wonder how far he has read this blog, it scares me when I think of some of the things I have written in the throes of my illness or depression, things are so different now, I feel so much more in control of my life and my feelings and while it is not always easy to trust and have faith I am trying.
Monday, May 23, 2005
This week
I have a had a really good week or so. I have been chatting on Yahoo (Idaho room) And have actually met some really nice guys.
I had given up on yahoo since I had had so many unpleasant experiences with it, I would run into men who would spend all their time trying to get me to do a booty call, hook up just for sex and then get insulted if I didn't want to. I use to have a web-cam and all I heard was take off your clothes and show us your tits... I gave it away to a friend.
I've decided to try to move on with my life and meet more people so I decided to try it again. This time I made a few changes to my profile, I made it clear that I am NOT looking to hook up for sex, that I don't have a cam and I don't cyber, that I AM looking to talk to people about all kinds of things but that I expect to be treated with respect and that if a guy wants to get to know me he needs to respect me and not just want my tits. I use the name Big Beautiful Boise Goth so there is not doubt right up front that I am a big person. I also changed the pic on my profile putting one where I am smiling and not showing too much and then changed the pics in my briefcase, taking off the most suggestive ones and putting on more normal shots of me out and about, ones with the best pics of my face and not me in lingerie.
Here is the thing, it has made a big difference, yes I still have guys who think they can convince me to just screw them but I have also met a lot of men who are sweet and honest and think I am beautiful, funny and nice and who want to actually take me out even if it is just for coffee and a movie and who accept that they are not guaranteed anything more from it.
I met a friend from out of state who has been working in town who has taken me out to dinner quite a few times and who I took for a drive up in the hills to show off the area to him, we also managed to get a couple sets of pictures taken. Sadly he leaves Thursday morning.
I have also been talking on the phone with a couple really nice people, one who is leaving town the first of the month and and one who I am going out with Tuesday who I really like and have spent hours laughing with over the phone.
Am I going to find Mr. Right on line? I don't know, I don't know if I even need to but I am finding friends.
Listening to: A mix CD I made a friend for his birthday, Concrete Blond, Veruca Salt, Tori Amos, Anna Nalick, Arcadia, U2, Jem and more.
Mood: Really Positive, I am actually kind of Motivated today, i vacumed, did laundry and am planning what to do to decorate my place.
I had given up on yahoo since I had had so many unpleasant experiences with it, I would run into men who would spend all their time trying to get me to do a booty call, hook up just for sex and then get insulted if I didn't want to. I use to have a web-cam and all I heard was take off your clothes and show us your tits... I gave it away to a friend.
I've decided to try to move on with my life and meet more people so I decided to try it again. This time I made a few changes to my profile, I made it clear that I am NOT looking to hook up for sex, that I don't have a cam and I don't cyber, that I AM looking to talk to people about all kinds of things but that I expect to be treated with respect and that if a guy wants to get to know me he needs to respect me and not just want my tits. I use the name Big Beautiful Boise Goth so there is not doubt right up front that I am a big person. I also changed the pic on my profile putting one where I am smiling and not showing too much and then changed the pics in my briefcase, taking off the most suggestive ones and putting on more normal shots of me out and about, ones with the best pics of my face and not me in lingerie.
Here is the thing, it has made a big difference, yes I still have guys who think they can convince me to just screw them but I have also met a lot of men who are sweet and honest and think I am beautiful, funny and nice and who want to actually take me out even if it is just for coffee and a movie and who accept that they are not guaranteed anything more from it.
I met a friend from out of state who has been working in town who has taken me out to dinner quite a few times and who I took for a drive up in the hills to show off the area to him, we also managed to get a couple sets of pictures taken. Sadly he leaves Thursday morning.
I have also been talking on the phone with a couple really nice people, one who is leaving town the first of the month and and one who I am going out with Tuesday who I really like and have spent hours laughing with over the phone.
Am I going to find Mr. Right on line? I don't know, I don't know if I even need to but I am finding friends.
Listening to: A mix CD I made a friend for his birthday, Concrete Blond, Veruca Salt, Tori Amos, Anna Nalick, Arcadia, U2, Jem and more.
Mood: Really Positive, I am actually kind of Motivated today, i vacumed, did laundry and am planning what to do to decorate my place.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Another pic
This was taken a few days ago
A little chat
Usually I would not post stuff people say to me in chat but this was something I just felt i had to post. (YES I changed his name)
I have tried to explain to guys on line why I don't just hook up with them, they seem to think that because I am fat I should be thrilled to get laid by a stranger. Sorry no such thing.
*****************************
g%$#13: i know your profile says that your not into hooking up, but i really do want to make love to you. I know if you were to make an exception you would not be sorry
trinaxxl: LOL thanks anyway
g%$#13 are you sure
g%$#13 i think your way sexy
giantsfan13: 
trinaxxl: Thank you but yeah, I figure if a guy is not willing to go out with me he is not all that into getting with me
g%$#13 you figure wrong
trinaxxl: no I think I am right, if guy can't show me the respect to get to know me and go out and do something then he is not showing me enough respect to get physical with me
g%$#13 see now that is not what you previously said
g%$#13: but that does make sense
trinaxxl: it is a level of interest,
g%$#13 i agree
g%$#13 but i'll tell ya something
g%$#13: a guy can be interested in sleeping with a girl and not necessarilly want to take her out
trinaxxl: like I said level of interest
g%$#13 although you missed the boat here
trinaxxl: thanks anyway
g%$#13 i would have asked you out as well
g%$#13 but o well
trinaxxl: then why didn't you?
g%$#13 because i wanted to see if you would just automatically come right out and shoot me down and you did
trinaxxl: No actually I told you I like a little respect, seems like you just wanted to see if you could get laid
g%$#13: no what i wanted was to let you know that i dont play games and that if i took the time to get to know you i expected to get laid. big difference
trinaxxl: OHHH I see, so maybe I should have just said save the $30 to $60 guys usually spend taking me out and just give me the cash for some sex? I mean hey it that is pretty much the same thing right?
g%$#13 your very confuding
g%$#13 *confusing
trinaxxl: yeah that whole respect me thing is hard to get
trinaxxl: here is my point if you take me out and pay you think I should screw you, how is that different from you handing me cash, still no respect and other then legality it is pretty much the same
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Star Wars Midnight showing
I just got back from the midnight showing of Star Wars Revenge of the Sith
This movie is by far darker then anything else in the Star wars sagas. It is also so intense that it may not be a movie you want young children to see.
That said I can honestly say that I had almost nothing to argue with the movie about and at times nearly forgot to breath. I went with the local FanForce (starwars fan club) and then went to breakfast and I can honestly say that what most of them complained about was things they had heard were in the movie and were not, over all they loved it and trust me they are hard sells.
Visually it is stunning, the first scene of battle blows your mind and the fighting through out the movie is literally breathtaking. The acting is overall really good though I feel that Lucus has a hard time with romance and it tends to come out sappy.
One complaint I have is that if you have not seen the Clone Wars cartoons ((check out www.starwars.com or rent the CD)) or read the graphic novels there is some things that are hard to understand. Also I do not like the way battles are interrupted by slower moving scenes but that is pretty mild.
As I said above if you can get to a digital performance it is worth it, not only is it amazing to see but it is 6 mins longer. There are only 70 digital screens in the country and we are lucky enough to have 2 of them in town and two of the best quality as well.
I will definitely be going to see it one more time at least on the digital screen.
This movie is by far darker then anything else in the Star wars sagas. It is also so intense that it may not be a movie you want young children to see.
That said I can honestly say that I had almost nothing to argue with the movie about and at times nearly forgot to breath. I went with the local FanForce (starwars fan club) and then went to breakfast and I can honestly say that what most of them complained about was things they had heard were in the movie and were not, over all they loved it and trust me they are hard sells.
Visually it is stunning, the first scene of battle blows your mind and the fighting through out the movie is literally breathtaking. The acting is overall really good though I feel that Lucus has a hard time with romance and it tends to come out sappy.
One complaint I have is that if you have not seen the Clone Wars cartoons ((check out www.starwars.com or rent the CD)) or read the graphic novels there is some things that are hard to understand. Also I do not like the way battles are interrupted by slower moving scenes but that is pretty mild.
As I said above if you can get to a digital performance it is worth it, not only is it amazing to see but it is 6 mins longer. There are only 70 digital screens in the country and we are lucky enough to have 2 of them in town and two of the best quality as well.
I will definitely be going to see it one more time at least on the digital screen.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Pic
Well so far with these pics I have been told I look like a big version of Neve Campbell in Wild Ones and Lisa Marie Presley... so which is it or is it either of them??
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Wild Week
So I decided I need to move on with my life, to let go of my feelings as much as I can about a certain someone, I realized I am being a spoiled brat.
And here is the funny thing, as soon as I decided that I started to meet people.
Tuesday I went to see Constantine and to coffee with a guy name Nate, Thursday I went to have hot wings with this young guy (19, sweet and fun to hang out with but too young for me to be anything more then flirt friends with) and then stopped by another guys work and visited with him and we are going to a movie next week as well.
Friday I met a friend from out of state who is here for two weeks for dinner and margaritas at Cafe Ole' then we went to coffee and I drove 14 miles to Nampa to go swimming at his hotel for a few hours and to take a ton of pics for my website.
Saturday night we went to Goodwoods for BBQ and then saw Fever Pitch and then had Crepes at IHOP.
Sunday we are going to get together and hopefully take a bunch more pics for my site and swim some more and I may take him for a drive on Monday and show him the area.
All of these men have been totally flattering, totally complimentary and pretty darn nice.
I have no idea what will happen I do know I am taking my time and not giving into impulses and that this is a great ego boost.
And here is the funny thing, as soon as I decided that I started to meet people.
Tuesday I went to see Constantine and to coffee with a guy name Nate, Thursday I went to have hot wings with this young guy (19, sweet and fun to hang out with but too young for me to be anything more then flirt friends with) and then stopped by another guys work and visited with him and we are going to a movie next week as well.
Friday I met a friend from out of state who is here for two weeks for dinner and margaritas at Cafe Ole' then we went to coffee and I drove 14 miles to Nampa to go swimming at his hotel for a few hours and to take a ton of pics for my website.
Saturday night we went to Goodwoods for BBQ and then saw Fever Pitch and then had Crepes at IHOP.
Sunday we are going to get together and hopefully take a bunch more pics for my site and swim some more and I may take him for a drive on Monday and show him the area.
All of these men have been totally flattering, totally complimentary and pretty darn nice.
I have no idea what will happen I do know I am taking my time and not giving into impulses and that this is a great ego boost.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Moving on
I am trying to move on with my life, to meet more guys in this area who actually find me attractive, right now I am just looking for friends but it seems most of the guys I meet only want to get laid and leave. I guess as long as I keep believing I deserve better I will be alright.
I perfer when a guy is honest about what he is looking for, if he is not going to want to be around then let me know so I don't waste my time. I hate when a guy tries to convince you he wants more emotionally and then when he doesn't get what he wants physically (or even if he does) bails out. I do deserve better but I figure the only way to deal with it is to just keep meeting people and keeping to my convictions. And NOT giving in to impluses.
Hopefully I will meet people worth knowing who think the same about me, and if nothing else it is nice to know there are people who find you attractive in real life.
I perfer when a guy is honest about what he is looking for, if he is not going to want to be around then let me know so I don't waste my time. I hate when a guy tries to convince you he wants more emotionally and then when he doesn't get what he wants physically (or even if he does) bails out. I do deserve better but I figure the only way to deal with it is to just keep meeting people and keeping to my convictions. And NOT giving in to impluses.
Hopefully I will meet people worth knowing who think the same about me, and if nothing else it is nice to know there are people who find you attractive in real life.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
I'm The Only One
Please baby can’t you see
My mind’s a burnin’ hell
I got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin’ like something
That might be good for you
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one
Please baby can’t you see
I’m trying to explain
I’ve been here before and I’m locking the door
And I’m not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won’t make
It go away
You’ll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
My mind’s a burnin’ hell
I got razors a rippin’ and tearin’ and strippin’
My heart apart as well
Tonight you told me
That you ache for something new
And some other woman is lookin’ like something
That might be good for you
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one
Please baby can’t you see
I’m trying to explain
I’ve been here before and I’m locking the door
And I’m not going back again
Her eyes and arms and skin won’t make
It go away
You’ll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow
That holds you down today
Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone
Go on believe her when she tells you
Nothing’s wrong
But I’m the only one
Who’ll walk across the fire for you
I’m the only one
Who’ll drown in my desire for you
It’s only fear that makes you run
The demons that you’re hiding from
When all your promises are gone
I’m the only one
MELISSA ETHERIDGE
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Personal soundtracks
I love making Mix CDs, so I started making an auto-biographical soundtrack CD about my life. At first it was hard as hell to find songs I wanted to use then I found too many.
I began to realize the songs fall into two catagories, my past and my present/future
The first one I am calling "Once I was" and the second is "And I will be"
Anyway I am still looking for songs for them I thought maybe some of you might have suggestions. Don't waste time on songs like fat bottom girls, baby's got back or big bottoms or whole lot of rosie, they just dont cut it.
Anyway here is the songs I have so far but wether all of them will go on the CDs I don't know.
These are the past ones, who I was and/or no longer want to be (these include songs that ment something to people in my past) , songs that had meaning in my past but no longer really effect me the same way.
ONCE I WAS
Ani Defranco - Not A Pretty Girl
Anna Nalick - Paper Bag
Bonnie Raitt - I can't make you love me
Chris Rea - Just Passing Through
gary jules - mad world
maria mckee - if love is a red dress (hang me in rags)
Matchbox 20 - Unwell
Neil Young - Cinnamon Girl
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Pearl Jam - Better Man
Radiohead - Creep (Acoustic)
Staind - Outside
The Cars - Who's Gonna Drive You Home Tonight
These are the songs about who I am now and the person I am trying to become.
AND I WILL BE
Alanis Morissette - Everything
Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)
Bette Midler - I'm Beautiful
Charlotte Martin - Talk to Strangers
Chris Isaak - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing
Dido - I am what i am
Garbage - Wicked Ways
Meridith Brooks - I'm a Bitch
Natalie Merchant - Wonder
Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
Seether feat Amy Lee - Broken
Sneaker Pimps - Destroying Angel
I began to realize the songs fall into two catagories, my past and my present/future
The first one I am calling "Once I was" and the second is "And I will be"
Anyway I am still looking for songs for them I thought maybe some of you might have suggestions. Don't waste time on songs like fat bottom girls, baby's got back or big bottoms or whole lot of rosie, they just dont cut it.
Anyway here is the songs I have so far but wether all of them will go on the CDs I don't know.
These are the past ones, who I was and/or no longer want to be (these include songs that ment something to people in my past) , songs that had meaning in my past but no longer really effect me the same way.
ONCE I WAS
Ani Defranco - Not A Pretty Girl
Anna Nalick - Paper Bag
Bonnie Raitt - I can't make you love me
Chris Rea - Just Passing Through
gary jules - mad world
maria mckee - if love is a red dress (hang me in rags)
Matchbox 20 - Unwell
Neil Young - Cinnamon Girl
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt
Pearl Jam - Better Man
Radiohead - Creep (Acoustic)
Staind - Outside
The Cars - Who's Gonna Drive You Home Tonight
These are the songs about who I am now and the person I am trying to become.
AND I WILL BE
Alanis Morissette - Everything
Alanis Morissette - You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)
Bette Midler - I'm Beautiful
Charlotte Martin - Talk to Strangers
Chris Isaak - Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing
Dido - I am what i am
Garbage - Wicked Ways
Meridith Brooks - I'm a Bitch
Natalie Merchant - Wonder
Sarah McLachlan - I Will Remember You
Seether feat Amy Lee - Broken
Sneaker Pimps - Destroying Angel
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Attack
I took Ativan for an Anxiety attack, only to find out it makes my BPD more extreme and interacts with the Abilify to make me more anxietous. So no more ativan.
I hate having bad dreams and the Anxiety brings it on.
I hate having bad dreams and the Anxiety brings it on.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Another Whiney Wednesday, more or less
As I have mentioned before I am on a mailing list where we have a Whiney Wednesday post where people list the top things they have to whine about in their lives right now, I also try to add the 5 things I am happy for. I hate to point out how many of the things are the same week to week. Anyway here is the one for today.
I am actually doing really well and dont have a lot to whine about but here goes.
1. something is wrong with my eyes or how my glasses are fitting cause my eyes hurt a bit and feel stressed, and it makes me feel dizzy.
2. Money or more to the point the lack there of as always, especially this month since I had two months with extra money and none this month, when you get use to spending it is hard to stop.
3. my spare room (art, computer, sewing room) is a disaster I Need to get motivated and get it organized so I can start sewing some decent summer clothes
4. I have a sore neck but I pretty much always have that, I guess it is also a side effect of the Abilify I have started taking.
5. Getting sick after eating ribs at Sharies, it will be a while before I eat there again.
Lets see what is going good for me.
1. my meds seem to be working really well and thankfully I have insurance since the Abilify is over $300 for 30 of them (do the math it is scary) I am feeling a lot better and a lot more in control.
2. I have wonderful friends who make me feel safe and wanted, who make me feel as if I am important to them, which sadly I did not have for years.
3. a wonderful family who help me in so many ways and make sure I have my act together, it is great to be able to have my mom and grandma as a couple of my best friends, people I can talk with..
4. I have been a lot more motivated doing art and my craft stuff and have been drawing every day at least a little and I have made two new Medusa Mirrors (one for me and one as a birthday gift)
5. I have a great place to live, I have ideas for fixing it up the way I want and I finally have a real couch...LOL and someone to give my futon away to.
I am actually doing really well and dont have a lot to whine about but here goes.
1. something is wrong with my eyes or how my glasses are fitting cause my eyes hurt a bit and feel stressed, and it makes me feel dizzy.
2. Money or more to the point the lack there of as always, especially this month since I had two months with extra money and none this month, when you get use to spending it is hard to stop.
3. my spare room (art, computer, sewing room) is a disaster I Need to get motivated and get it organized so I can start sewing some decent summer clothes
4. I have a sore neck but I pretty much always have that, I guess it is also a side effect of the Abilify I have started taking.
5. Getting sick after eating ribs at Sharies, it will be a while before I eat there again.
Lets see what is going good for me.
1. my meds seem to be working really well and thankfully I have insurance since the Abilify is over $300 for 30 of them (do the math it is scary) I am feeling a lot better and a lot more in control.
2. I have wonderful friends who make me feel safe and wanted, who make me feel as if I am important to them, which sadly I did not have for years.
3. a wonderful family who help me in so many ways and make sure I have my act together, it is great to be able to have my mom and grandma as a couple of my best friends, people I can talk with..
4. I have been a lot more motivated doing art and my craft stuff and have been drawing every day at least a little and I have made two new Medusa Mirrors (one for me and one as a birthday gift)
5. I have a great place to live, I have ideas for fixing it up the way I want and I finally have a real couch...LOL and someone to give my futon away to.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Cable
I finally got Cable TV hooked up in my house after finding out I coudl not get Satalite.
I was really worried that if I got Cable I would end up doing nothing but watching TV in a daze all the time but the funny thing is I have been doing more art and crafts since I got the cable in. I lay on the bed and draw, I throw a old blanket over it and do crafts. I have made two Medusa Mirrors (painted mirrors with snakey frames) and have been drawing something ever day.
I also bought a real couch from an auction and will be giving my Futon to a freind when she moves in a few weeks, hell I now have two TVs, a real couch, a Mini-van and a good bed. You would think I was a grown up or something
I was really worried that if I got Cable I would end up doing nothing but watching TV in a daze all the time but the funny thing is I have been doing more art and crafts since I got the cable in. I lay on the bed and draw, I throw a old blanket over it and do crafts. I have made two Medusa Mirrors (painted mirrors with snakey frames) and have been drawing something ever day.
I also bought a real couch from an auction and will be giving my Futon to a freind when she moves in a few weeks, hell I now have two TVs, a real couch, a Mini-van and a good bed. You would think I was a grown up or something
