Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Inventory
Bats and spiders and candy skulls,
dreams and screams and eyes dark as sorrow.
Whisper and wind and broken mirrors
Glitter and Gleams and fingernail polish.
Satin, silk and sin galore.
Soft lips and bitting humor,
Hollow hearts and passionate kisses,
Songs never sung,
Rain that falls only in dreams.
Hopes hidden from sight.
A hard edge in a soft shell.
These are the things I am made of
dreams and screams and eyes dark as sorrow.
Whisper and wind and broken mirrors
Glitter and Gleams and fingernail polish.
Satin, silk and sin galore.
Soft lips and bitting humor,
Hollow hearts and passionate kisses,
Songs never sung,
Rain that falls only in dreams.
Hopes hidden from sight.
A hard edge in a soft shell.
These are the things I am made of
Sensuality test
Here is a test I got from the book The Psychologist's book of self tests
The Sensuality Scale allows you to rate yourself on how sensual you are in day to day things.
I rated a 94% because I don't like sunbathing or saunas and I do admit there is such a thing as too much of a good thing ((though if it is too much is then still a good thing?))
I accept a lot of what the test says about people who are over the top of sensuality, in my case, impulse control and hedonism as well as resposibility issues.
The Sensuality Scale allows you to rate yourself on how sensual you are in day to day things.
I rated a 94% because I don't like sunbathing or saunas and I do admit there is such a thing as too much of a good thing ((though if it is too much is then still a good thing?))
I accept a lot of what the test says about people who are over the top of sensuality, in my case, impulse control and hedonism as well as resposibility issues.
Well I didn't vote for him
I love when republicans talk about Democrats and spending... Notice the only time on this chart that we are in the green (not in decifit) is during the Clinton years.
It has only time W 4 years to take us from a 128 BILLION dollar surplus into a an $412 BILLION dollar DEFICIT with it only getting worse.
It has only time W 4 years to take us from a 128 BILLION dollar surplus into a an $412 BILLION dollar DEFICIT with it only getting worse.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
A Splurge and a Steal
We all have them... Things we just had to buy... Things that are either a Steal, an amazing deal, ....or a Splurge, more then we really want to spend but something we just have to have.
I actually found a Splurge that was a steal.
I have gotten totally addicted to good sheets, 250 or better thread count but the prices of even just the Queen Size bottom sheets much less the sets is a bit out of my range for just tossing money away. I do have a few sets I need to dye a dark color and then there is my Splurge/steal.
Yesterday I was checking out Fred Meyers, their daily prices are a bit much on a lot of things but they always have great sales and amazing clearances, and this time I found a 320 count Black, sateen stripe queen size sheet set that was originally $70 for about 60% off.. I got them for $29.40 with tax. $30 is a bit much for this time of month, I borrowed the money from my grandma and will pay her back ont he first but I just couldn't let them get away from me.
These are amazing sheets, I love sleeping in them. There are lots of things I will cut costs on but the one thing I just have to have is a comfortable bed.
I am trying to come up with a four post waterbed frame for a queen size conventional bed so I can have the support I want, a head and foot board and and still have my underdressers. Eventually I plan on having a bunch of black, Burgundy and dark midnight blue bedding... I am also trying to find a really good black king size comforter but it is something I will have to buy on sale. I hate paying full price when I don't have to.
I think I was born under the clearance sign.
I actually found a Splurge that was a steal.
I have gotten totally addicted to good sheets, 250 or better thread count but the prices of even just the Queen Size bottom sheets much less the sets is a bit out of my range for just tossing money away. I do have a few sets I need to dye a dark color and then there is my Splurge/steal.
Yesterday I was checking out Fred Meyers, their daily prices are a bit much on a lot of things but they always have great sales and amazing clearances, and this time I found a 320 count Black, sateen stripe queen size sheet set that was originally $70 for about 60% off.. I got them for $29.40 with tax. $30 is a bit much for this time of month, I borrowed the money from my grandma and will pay her back ont he first but I just couldn't let them get away from me.
These are amazing sheets, I love sleeping in them. There are lots of things I will cut costs on but the one thing I just have to have is a comfortable bed.
I am trying to come up with a four post waterbed frame for a queen size conventional bed so I can have the support I want, a head and foot board and and still have my underdressers. Eventually I plan on having a bunch of black, Burgundy and dark midnight blue bedding... I am also trying to find a really good black king size comforter but it is something I will have to buy on sale. I hate paying full price when I don't have to.
I think I was born under the clearance sign.
sometimes...
it is so hard for people to understand that I can not always turn off my feelings, change my thoughts, control my desires. I sometimes let myself get carried away, let myself get dramatic about how life is so horrible and something is breaking my heart.
I am working on making myself learn to not care, not obsess, not hurt so much.
Life is short, I doubt I will live another 20 years, not drama, not depression, reality. So why do I allow uncontrolled feelings to ruin my time here on earth? I have to get a grip on this. It is the reason I seldom let myself get close to anyone if I can help it.
Someone told me he did not want to hurt me, I don't seem to be able to get it through to him that HE can NOT hurt ME.... Only I can allow myself to be hurt. I try to explain to him that it is my illness not his behavior that hurts me, it is my unreasonable expectations.
Only I can allow myself to get deeply enough involved with someone or something on an emotional level to allow myself to be hurt or disillusioned. I know that given time I will be able to get over this but it may take a long time. I try to not want what I can not have but it is hard, andI know that I can not make someone feel something for me that they do not but it does not always make it easy to stop wanting.
No I don't think anyone can love me for who I truly am.
I have a choice, break down and cry all the time or simply accept the joy of the interaction, the passion of the moment. I am determined to learn to do this.
People are so afraid of pain, of heartache, but they are transient things, they happen, they hurt they pass. That is life.
I am working on making myself learn to not care, not obsess, not hurt so much.
Life is short, I doubt I will live another 20 years, not drama, not depression, reality. So why do I allow uncontrolled feelings to ruin my time here on earth? I have to get a grip on this. It is the reason I seldom let myself get close to anyone if I can help it.
Someone told me he did not want to hurt me, I don't seem to be able to get it through to him that HE can NOT hurt ME.... Only I can allow myself to be hurt. I try to explain to him that it is my illness not his behavior that hurts me, it is my unreasonable expectations.
Only I can allow myself to get deeply enough involved with someone or something on an emotional level to allow myself to be hurt or disillusioned. I know that given time I will be able to get over this but it may take a long time. I try to not want what I can not have but it is hard, andI know that I can not make someone feel something for me that they do not but it does not always make it easy to stop wanting.
No I don't think anyone can love me for who I truly am.
I have a choice, break down and cry all the time or simply accept the joy of the interaction, the passion of the moment. I am determined to learn to do this.
People are so afraid of pain, of heartache, but they are transient things, they happen, they hurt they pass. That is life.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
You may have noticed . . .
That I'm not all here
I feel sometimes that there is something missing from me. Something that other people sence and that keeps me from connecting.
I know that I am not a FOREVER kind of girl, I just wish I was even a for a while kind of girl.
I feel sometimes that there is something missing from me. Something that other people sence and that keeps me from connecting.
I know that I am not a FOREVER kind of girl, I just wish I was even a for a while kind of girl.
new gallery
Saturday, January 22, 2005
wicked
My desktop wallpaper this week
Friday, January 21, 2005
OUCH
I have been on a cleaning and decorating binge lately, this included putting a LONG strand of white and blue holiday lights up on one wall in my bedroom. I did 90% of it a few days ago climbing up and down a Dozen times on this very heavy OLD oak and steel school chair my mom had before I was born. Then I got to the part where my overstuffed chair blocked the way and I finally decided at about 5 am this morning to move that and finish the lights.
Well I place the chair (not paying attention to where the big chair had left marks in the carpet and start
to climb on... I put my right foot on the chair, put my hands on the back and as I start to lift my left leg up the chair starts to go over and so I rear back hoping to plant my foot.
What I did in fact was plant the chair up against my leg along with a good deal of my weight. I now have a bruise and welt that covers half my left leg and my right little toe is broken. I can't even imagine what my leg will look like in a few days.
Then cause I am soooo smart I decided to go shopping all over town with my mom and hit at least 6 stores.
Hey I never claimed to be logical but I am still walking so that is a good sign.
My leg as sunday morning at 10 am
Well I place the chair (not paying attention to where the big chair had left marks in the carpet and start
to climb on... I put my right foot on the chair, put my hands on the back and as I start to lift my left leg up the chair starts to go over and so I rear back hoping to plant my foot.
What I did in fact was plant the chair up against my leg along with a good deal of my weight. I now have a bruise and welt that covers half my left leg and my right little toe is broken. I can't even imagine what my leg will look like in a few days.
Then cause I am soooo smart I decided to go shopping all over town with my mom and hit at least 6 stores.
Hey I never claimed to be logical but I am still walking so that is a good sign.
My leg as sunday morning at 10 am
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
More Tuesday Questions
I have been posting my answers to the questions we get each week on the mailing list I am on.. here are this weeks, Ginger always comes up with such good ones.
On the Perfect mate:
> What is your idea of your perfect mate?
Personally I doubt the perfect man is out there for me, I mean I sure a guy I would find perfect is out there except I just don't think I would be the perfect woman forhim and that is pretty much my number 1 requirement.
This is funny I was talking about this on line with some friends and I gave this long and sort of silly list of things I want in a man Here are some of them:
*He has to be totally in to me, he has to want to love me, be with me and only me ((yeah big one but hey it seems like it should be at the top of the list, but I see no point in falling for a guy who is ashamed to be with me or who doesn't think I am the right one for him))
*his family and friends should be open enough to like me and if they don't he should not let it poison him to me
*He has to have a sense of humor and a sense of the absurd, I really like a weird sense of humor as well as someone who can be silly sometimes
*He should like to and be able to talk on a lot of subjects, I really like smart and interesting people
*He should be Goth or very Goth tolerant, I don't want to spend our time together listening to him bitch about my music and friends. I also don't want him trying to change a lot about me, if I go shopping wearing yarn falls and a long black gown he should think it is cool.
*He should love to touch, be very open with his affection and very sensual not just sexual, I want a person who can take enjoyment from a wide range of things and being a good kisser is a must.
*I want a guy who is attentive without being jealously possessive, a guy who knows the value of a good phone call when you can't get together but who trusts me enough to let me flirt since he knows I am not going anywhere with it.
*I want a guy who is happy doing simple stuff like going out to coffee, reading at the bookstore and going to cheap movies or just cuddling and watching movies
*Physically I prefer guys with meat on their bones and who is between 25 and a young 39
After I was done with my list this one woman asked.. "Well what would you give up for the guy?"
I asked what she meant and she said "well you have all these things you expect him to do... like like not be embarrassed with you in your wild clothes and kiss you in public, if he has to give up that what are you going to give up?"
I tried to make her understand that if he is the perfect guy for me then he is not giving anything up, he would LIKE those things, he would like being affectionate in public and he would like my wild clothes and think it was cute to seen the Mundanes staring at them and more to the point I would be the perfect girl for him.
There are lots of things I can over look that I might prefer to be different, like if he smokes or has a kid. Anyway now everytime I see her on chat I add something weird to my list. Such as he has to be able to watch a horror movie or a forensic drama and still eat dinner, he has to be willing to try strange food, oh yeah and he should be a bit of a geek... I keep thinking up weird ones to tell her.
>>>>>>>>>>
> Have you ever been in love before? Yes, and that is why I don't ever want to do a long distance relationship again, we were involved off and on for 2 1/2 years a good part of which I lived with him, in which time he broke up with me 3 times, asked me to marry him, told me I was not the kind of woman he saw himself married too But that he wanted to keep dating me. He would tell me I should dress different. His family hated me and he let it really ruin our relationship and let them treat me like crap and that really devastated me. I don't expect to come first all the time but once in a while would be nice. That is why some of the biggest things on my list is that the guy I am interested in accepts me, doesn't let other people change his opinions of me and enjoys a lot of the same stuff.
>>>>>>>>
> Tell us your greatest romantic regret? There are two and they are related. I regret I have yet to find a guy who can make me feel really wanted, needed and accepted, and I regret that spent so long in a relationship that should have become just a friendship after the first time we broke up and the fact that that relationship has really tainted my views on relationships in general and that gave me so many doubts about my ability to be what someone wants and needs.
I am trying very hard to let go the cynical armor I have developed around me that keeps me from letting myself get in a relationship or have faith in people. I am trying really hard to be open to possibilities but sometimes it just seems to be too hard to leave myself open to pain.
On the Perfect mate:
> What is your idea of your perfect mate?
Personally I doubt the perfect man is out there for me, I mean I sure a guy I would find perfect is out there except I just don't think I would be the perfect woman forhim and that is pretty much my number 1 requirement.
This is funny I was talking about this on line with some friends and I gave this long and sort of silly list of things I want in a man Here are some of them:
*He has to be totally in to me, he has to want to love me, be with me and only me ((yeah big one but hey it seems like it should be at the top of the list, but I see no point in falling for a guy who is ashamed to be with me or who doesn't think I am the right one for him))
*his family and friends should be open enough to like me and if they don't he should not let it poison him to me
*He has to have a sense of humor and a sense of the absurd, I really like a weird sense of humor as well as someone who can be silly sometimes
*He should like to and be able to talk on a lot of subjects, I really like smart and interesting people
*He should be Goth or very Goth tolerant, I don't want to spend our time together listening to him bitch about my music and friends. I also don't want him trying to change a lot about me, if I go shopping wearing yarn falls and a long black gown he should think it is cool.
*He should love to touch, be very open with his affection and very sensual not just sexual, I want a person who can take enjoyment from a wide range of things and being a good kisser is a must.
*I want a guy who is attentive without being jealously possessive, a guy who knows the value of a good phone call when you can't get together but who trusts me enough to let me flirt since he knows I am not going anywhere with it.
*I want a guy who is happy doing simple stuff like going out to coffee, reading at the bookstore and going to cheap movies or just cuddling and watching movies
*Physically I prefer guys with meat on their bones and who is between 25 and a young 39
After I was done with my list this one woman asked.. "Well what would you give up for the guy?"
I asked what she meant and she said "well you have all these things you expect him to do... like like not be embarrassed with you in your wild clothes and kiss you in public, if he has to give up that what are you going to give up?"
I tried to make her understand that if he is the perfect guy for me then he is not giving anything up, he would LIKE those things, he would like being affectionate in public and he would like my wild clothes and think it was cute to seen the Mundanes staring at them and more to the point I would be the perfect girl for him.
There are lots of things I can over look that I might prefer to be different, like if he smokes or has a kid. Anyway now everytime I see her on chat I add something weird to my list. Such as he has to be able to watch a horror movie or a forensic drama and still eat dinner, he has to be willing to try strange food, oh yeah and he should be a bit of a geek... I keep thinking up weird ones to tell her.
>>>>>>>>>>
> Have you ever been in love before? Yes, and that is why I don't ever want to do a long distance relationship again, we were involved off and on for 2 1/2 years a good part of which I lived with him, in which time he broke up with me 3 times, asked me to marry him, told me I was not the kind of woman he saw himself married too But that he wanted to keep dating me. He would tell me I should dress different. His family hated me and he let it really ruin our relationship and let them treat me like crap and that really devastated me. I don't expect to come first all the time but once in a while would be nice. That is why some of the biggest things on my list is that the guy I am interested in accepts me, doesn't let other people change his opinions of me and enjoys a lot of the same stuff.
>>>>>>>>
> Tell us your greatest romantic regret? There are two and they are related. I regret I have yet to find a guy who can make me feel really wanted, needed and accepted, and I regret that spent so long in a relationship that should have become just a friendship after the first time we broke up and the fact that that relationship has really tainted my views on relationships in general and that gave me so many doubts about my ability to be what someone wants and needs.
I am trying very hard to let go the cynical armor I have developed around me that keeps me from letting myself get in a relationship or have faith in people. I am trying really hard to be open to possibilities but sometimes it just seems to be too hard to leave myself open to pain.
Bedroom projects
This is the head board I want to make
This chain link headboard is cool I think. Though I would prefer to make it with a finished gate section.
I am making all these plans to fix my place up, spring must be on the way...LOL
I have been looking at the gold sheers on my ceiling and I think I would prefer to take them down someday and put them as sheers under the black curtains in my bedroom. I like the idea of sheers on the ceiling but I am thinking of buying something else, maybe even a white glossy sheer or a white textured one and have it billowing out a bit. If I could come up with a decent bedside lamp set up that would give me light to read and do crafts in there I would not mind using something like Burgundy sheers on the ceiling. I want to have a room that is exotic, Goth and a bit kitsch.
This chain link headboard is cool I think. Though I would prefer to make it with a finished gate section.
I am making all these plans to fix my place up, spring must be on the way...LOL
I have been looking at the gold sheers on my ceiling and I think I would prefer to take them down someday and put them as sheers under the black curtains in my bedroom. I like the idea of sheers on the ceiling but I am thinking of buying something else, maybe even a white glossy sheer or a white textured one and have it billowing out a bit. If I could come up with a decent bedside lamp set up that would give me light to read and do crafts in there I would not mind using something like Burgundy sheers on the ceiling. I want to have a room that is exotic, Goth and a bit kitsch.
Clean up
I must like this guy a bit... I am actually cleaning up my bedroom and getting it fixed up all nice. I have been working on the front room for a while but now I want to have my room the way I plan it. I want that WOW factor going on. I have lots of cool stuff and I want to show it off, to make a really interesting room that is comfortable and that you don't have to worry about stepping on books or clothes.
I Cleaned off the big overstuffed chair in my room and covered it with the faux snow leopard throw I made last year and tossed a few of my stuffed toys on it (I am older not grown up) I also have gotten my light ball (a purple ball of Halloween/x-mas lights you hang up) sitting on the top of a shelving unit I have my purse collection on along with my lava style lamp and my glitter lamp. I am putting up some Christmas lights that have a white cord and white and blue drape lights along one wall.
I am also putting up these gold mesh garden lantern lights across the front of these black and gold curtains I have up. They are made of black upholstery material with gold dragonflies on them. Over my bed is a mesh of gold semi sheer I paid way too much for, they had cheaper gold sheers but none of them had the wonderful metallic sheen that these did. They are on the ceiling and hang over the globe light fixture then back to drape down my wall to about 2 1/2 feet above my bed where they meet up with a gold on gold version of the material for the curtains. I plan to pad that someday if I can't get a decent head board I like.
Some other things I plan to do to my room is to put plant holder brackets in the ceiling on the outside wall (where the curtain is) and hang down some chains at different lengths and put some of the tealight lanterns I have on them.
I also want to put up a few shelves to put small candle holders on.
I have a lot of plans for the apartment since I plan to live her a long time. If I can just get everyone out of here and get back to having my own place I will be so happy.
I have been playing all different kinds of music to motivate me and take breaks to rest and chat while doing my nails inbetween.
I Cleaned off the big overstuffed chair in my room and covered it with the faux snow leopard throw I made last year and tossed a few of my stuffed toys on it (I am older not grown up) I also have gotten my light ball (a purple ball of Halloween/x-mas lights you hang up) sitting on the top of a shelving unit I have my purse collection on along with my lava style lamp and my glitter lamp. I am putting up some Christmas lights that have a white cord and white and blue drape lights along one wall.
I am also putting up these gold mesh garden lantern lights across the front of these black and gold curtains I have up. They are made of black upholstery material with gold dragonflies on them. Over my bed is a mesh of gold semi sheer I paid way too much for, they had cheaper gold sheers but none of them had the wonderful metallic sheen that these did. They are on the ceiling and hang over the globe light fixture then back to drape down my wall to about 2 1/2 feet above my bed where they meet up with a gold on gold version of the material for the curtains. I plan to pad that someday if I can't get a decent head board I like.
Some other things I plan to do to my room is to put plant holder brackets in the ceiling on the outside wall (where the curtain is) and hang down some chains at different lengths and put some of the tealight lanterns I have on them.
I also want to put up a few shelves to put small candle holders on.
I have a lot of plans for the apartment since I plan to live her a long time. If I can just get everyone out of here and get back to having my own place I will be so happy.
I have been playing all different kinds of music to motivate me and take breaks to rest and chat while doing my nails inbetween.
Monday, January 17, 2005
resolutions
One of my new years resolutions was to be less cynical and another was to be more open and allow myself to trust a guy if the chance came along.
Last week I flirted with *C* and *Bacchus* and I thought I might be attracted to *C* more but I kept thinking that *Bacchus* had this wonderful kiss.
Well this Sunday I went to the balcony and was flirting with *Bacchus* and realized I was really enjoying it and when I found out *C* had a GF in an open relationship I was not too upset, in fact I was kind of glad cause it made me realize how great *Bacchus* was. We ended up taking and kissing all night and went back to his place along with a group of other people.
We kissed and hugged and it was amazing, I have no freaking idea what will happen, I am not good at relationships and they never seem to be good at me either. I am going to try to just enjoy the freindship and not worry about a relationship, both of us are touchers, strokers and kissers. It is amazing for me to find a man who is as into slow sensual exploration as I am.
At least he makes me giggle, almost no one does that.
Last week I flirted with *C* and *Bacchus* and I thought I might be attracted to *C* more but I kept thinking that *Bacchus* had this wonderful kiss.
Well this Sunday I went to the balcony and was flirting with *Bacchus* and realized I was really enjoying it and when I found out *C* had a GF in an open relationship I was not too upset, in fact I was kind of glad cause it made me realize how great *Bacchus* was. We ended up taking and kissing all night and went back to his place along with a group of other people.
We kissed and hugged and it was amazing, I have no freaking idea what will happen, I am not good at relationships and they never seem to be good at me either. I am going to try to just enjoy the freindship and not worry about a relationship, both of us are touchers, strokers and kissers. It is amazing for me to find a man who is as into slow sensual exploration as I am.
At least he makes me giggle, almost no one does that.
doing better
I have not had any desire to binge and no desire to purge since the episode that scared me so much. I want to thank all the people who gave me support.
I think it was my body and mind telling me to get a grip of my life, and that is what I am trying to do.
I think it was my body and mind telling me to get a grip of my life, and that is what I am trying to do.
Friday, January 14, 2005
damn
I had a bulimic episode and I can't believe I would do that to myself again. I had that problem in my teens for a while and I know it is the same as self abuse, a problem I had in my 20's, it is a response to stress.
I have feeling really down about stuff lately and I know I have to get my act together.
I have been really out of control with spending, the money I have been expecting to come in the mail is not here yet and I feel like the studio is going to screw me out of it. My car is screwing up, I need to finish organizing my computer/sewing/art room which has become a catch all and I can't get anything done because of the mess. I am totally conflicted about how I feel about relationships, part of me wants one and part of me sees it as a painful thing in my life. My grandma is sick and my Asthma keeps acting up and I wonder if it is something I will have a problem with for the rest of my life.
I have been binging on chocolate a lot lately and I HAVE to stop. I am trying but it is so easy to feed my depression. I am getting it a little under control, a few days ago I bought a bag of Hershey treasures, and today I almost bought a 6 oz bar of symphony but instead bought three 1.5 oz bars and then felt really bad and sick after I ate them all and that is after eating 3 chicken legs and two thighs and some veggies.
After about 40 minutes I just could not stand it any longer, the need to purge was so strong. I was chatting on line and I could not stand it. It is like a compulsion, I have not done it in a long time but I could not resist. What was worse is Genesis is here so I had to tell him "don't lecture me and don't come in the bathroom." I hate that I am week like this sometimes but maybe it will make me be more careful and start to try to control things better.
If you have never had the problem it is hard to understand, first you feel this desperate desire to be full, you just NEED to eat, to fill something up inside of you. Then you feel bad about eating it partly because you know it was not real hunger. I seldom feel really serious guilt about what I eat anymore so this really hit me. Then you feel like you can not stand being full, the feeling of a full stomach makes you want to throw up and it is like you are being nagged at by your own brain. Finally you just have to give in.
I thought I was over this. I guess this is what they mean when they say an alcoholic is never cured. Even though I had drinking problems in my early 20's I now have no desire to get drunk, I can got for years without wanting a drink one way or another. It is hard to know that there will be times in my life where I will fall back on this behavior, where I will feel compelled to do this even knowing how horrible it is for me mentally and physically.
I have feeling really down about stuff lately and I know I have to get my act together.
I have been really out of control with spending, the money I have been expecting to come in the mail is not here yet and I feel like the studio is going to screw me out of it. My car is screwing up, I need to finish organizing my computer/sewing/art room which has become a catch all and I can't get anything done because of the mess. I am totally conflicted about how I feel about relationships, part of me wants one and part of me sees it as a painful thing in my life. My grandma is sick and my Asthma keeps acting up and I wonder if it is something I will have a problem with for the rest of my life.
I have been binging on chocolate a lot lately and I HAVE to stop. I am trying but it is so easy to feed my depression. I am getting it a little under control, a few days ago I bought a bag of Hershey treasures, and today I almost bought a 6 oz bar of symphony but instead bought three 1.5 oz bars and then felt really bad and sick after I ate them all and that is after eating 3 chicken legs and two thighs and some veggies.
After about 40 minutes I just could not stand it any longer, the need to purge was so strong. I was chatting on line and I could not stand it. It is like a compulsion, I have not done it in a long time but I could not resist. What was worse is Genesis is here so I had to tell him "don't lecture me and don't come in the bathroom." I hate that I am week like this sometimes but maybe it will make me be more careful and start to try to control things better.
If you have never had the problem it is hard to understand, first you feel this desperate desire to be full, you just NEED to eat, to fill something up inside of you. Then you feel bad about eating it partly because you know it was not real hunger. I seldom feel really serious guilt about what I eat anymore so this really hit me. Then you feel like you can not stand being full, the feeling of a full stomach makes you want to throw up and it is like you are being nagged at by your own brain. Finally you just have to give in.
I thought I was over this. I guess this is what they mean when they say an alcoholic is never cured. Even though I had drinking problems in my early 20's I now have no desire to get drunk, I can got for years without wanting a drink one way or another. It is hard to know that there will be times in my life where I will fall back on this behavior, where I will feel compelled to do this even knowing how horrible it is for me mentally and physically.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Mid Afterlife crisis
One of the mailing groups I am in has a pretty much weekly set of questions, quite often they are very interesting and really make me think about things... Here was the questions Ginger posed this week and my answers
> If you could change careers right now & be anything, what would you be?
An Artist who makes a living at it full time ((this would include having the motivation and skills needed to do it..LOL)) though at times I wish I had the motivation to run a pay site.
>>>>>>>>
> If you could have 1 conversation with anyone from your past who would you talk to & why?
People in my past are there for a reason. There are people in my past I wish I had known better or who I wish had known me better but mostly if I let go of them there was a reason
>>>>>>
> If you had a second chance, to do 1 thing over in life what would you go back & change?
I would have developed a sense of self esteem earlier in life, I would not have spent so long hating myself and treating myself like crap, I would have spent those years living life to the fullest. As it is I wasted so much time on self hatred and it leaves scars physical and mental you can't get past easily, ones that itch at you even as you get past a lot of what caused them.
>>>>>>>
> What's the 1 thing you've always wanted to do but never have?
Be in a good, strong healthy relationship where I feel as loved as I am loving. Where I have true and honest trust with someone who has it for me and where more to the point we both earn it. Where I don't live 2000 or even 200 miles away from them, where their friends and family are not against us and where neither of us bring in so much baggage we can't get past it. Sounds like that should not be hard huh? But then I am me, I am not a trusting person and I am not all that easy to love. That is not a self pitying statement it is an honest fact. I stay out of relationships because I don't like the person I am in them, I don't like the doubt, the fear and self questioning that I experience.
>>>>>>>>>>
> What's the best thing you've ever done?
Developed a sense of self worth, found a place for myself in this group, and gone to university.
>>>>>>>>>
> What's the 1 thing you'd never want to change about yourself?
I am not sure, there are lots of things about me I would change if I could, and there are even more things I would just tweak a little if I could, I believe it is human nature.
I could say that I would not change my joy for life but I would like to not be so cynical and given to bitterness I am not even aware of a lot of the time.
I could say would not change my brain but lets be honest if I could get rid of my manic depression, even though I believe it is a big part of some of the good things about me, I would.
I could say I would not change my past, but since a great deal of it was hell on Earth, I would.
I could say I would not change my body but lets be honest here.
It sounds like I am being bitter but I honestly am not, I love the fact I usually look at the world with a great deal of joy, I like the way and things I think of most of the time, I just wish I did not have so much chemical and electrical interference in there and I would love to be smarter. I know that my past has made me an interesting person but it has also made me cynical and untrusting. My body is mine, I deserve respect from myself and others but it is not the most comfortable thing to carry around and is flawed in many ways you don't see in my dress size.
I guess I would not change the fact that I am very honest with myself, that I am cognitive of these things and that I don't delude myself about them.
> If you could change careers right now & be anything, what would you be?
An Artist who makes a living at it full time ((this would include having the motivation and skills needed to do it..LOL)) though at times I wish I had the motivation to run a pay site.
>>>>>>>>
> If you could have 1 conversation with anyone from your past who would you talk to & why?
People in my past are there for a reason. There are people in my past I wish I had known better or who I wish had known me better but mostly if I let go of them there was a reason
>>>>>>
> If you had a second chance, to do 1 thing over in life what would you go back & change?
I would have developed a sense of self esteem earlier in life, I would not have spent so long hating myself and treating myself like crap, I would have spent those years living life to the fullest. As it is I wasted so much time on self hatred and it leaves scars physical and mental you can't get past easily, ones that itch at you even as you get past a lot of what caused them.
>>>>>>>
> What's the 1 thing you've always wanted to do but never have?
Be in a good, strong healthy relationship where I feel as loved as I am loving. Where I have true and honest trust with someone who has it for me and where more to the point we both earn it. Where I don't live 2000 or even 200 miles away from them, where their friends and family are not against us and where neither of us bring in so much baggage we can't get past it. Sounds like that should not be hard huh? But then I am me, I am not a trusting person and I am not all that easy to love. That is not a self pitying statement it is an honest fact. I stay out of relationships because I don't like the person I am in them, I don't like the doubt, the fear and self questioning that I experience.
>>>>>>>>>>
> What's the best thing you've ever done?
Developed a sense of self worth, found a place for myself in this group, and gone to university.
>>>>>>>>>
> What's the 1 thing you'd never want to change about yourself?
I am not sure, there are lots of things about me I would change if I could, and there are even more things I would just tweak a little if I could, I believe it is human nature.
I could say that I would not change my joy for life but I would like to not be so cynical and given to bitterness I am not even aware of a lot of the time.
I could say would not change my brain but lets be honest if I could get rid of my manic depression, even though I believe it is a big part of some of the good things about me, I would.
I could say I would not change my past, but since a great deal of it was hell on Earth, I would.
I could say I would not change my body but lets be honest here.
It sounds like I am being bitter but I honestly am not, I love the fact I usually look at the world with a great deal of joy, I like the way and things I think of most of the time, I just wish I did not have so much chemical and electrical interference in there and I would love to be smarter. I know that my past has made me an interesting person but it has also made me cynical and untrusting. My body is mine, I deserve respect from myself and others but it is not the most comfortable thing to carry around and is flawed in many ways you don't see in my dress size.
I guess I would not change the fact that I am very honest with myself, that I am cognitive of these things and that I don't delude myself about them.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Fun Weekend SUNDAY
SUNDAY JAN 9th
My lungs are really killing me from Saturday night which reminds me I have to be better about taking my Serevent every single day.
I turned the material into a skirt ((ends up if it is 45 inches wide I only need 2 one yard pieces not 2 one and 1/4 yard pieces) while watching Extreme home make-over and Desperate Housewives.
I decided to do a white ensemble to go with the skirt. Tight white tank top that looks like it is knitted out of white satin ribbon, a long white tuxedo over shirt and tons of white yarn falls in my hair with a small amount of black ones with red and sliver mesh in them to match the skirt.
I went to pick up Brandy, her BF decided not to go with us. We got there as usual before 10PM and the club was pretty empty but I had wandering around visiting people and enjoying seeing my white blouse glow in the black lights.
I ended up sitting with *Bacchus* and *C* .. Both guys I had flirted with on different nights and their crowd of friends, I am very gregarious and have no trouble getting to know people. I spent the night flirting with them both and for a while hugging both of them at eh same time to keep warm out on the balcony. I am attracted to both of them and I was really enjoying flirting with them and rubbing their backs.
The Bouncer from Mulligan's was there and he did not recognize me, He was saying well you look like this one girl but you would need to have glasses and wear black. I said "yeah put me in white and no one knows me even with these leading the way" and I grabbed my chest. So he reached around me and grabbed my chest as well. I guess I could be shocked but lets be honest after 5 hours in that bra I was not really feeling anything there.
I ended up sitting next to *C* and he began to stroke my leg under the table. You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he does this. If he tries to lift your skirt up or goes right for the sweet spot then he is being disrespectful and he is someone not willing to go slow and do it right.*C* did neither and was very nice about it. He would stop for a bit and I would rub his thigh for a while and we traded off and on for an hour or so. I was kind of wondering if he did not want people to know what was up but after last call he proved that was not so.
We were all getting ready to go and he started to kiss me. Then *Bacchus* said hey where is my kiss and *C* gave him a smack on the mouth and I told him well that kiss was from me.
He said well why don't you give me a kiss yourself so I did. Very nice kiss indeed!
I kind of wanted to break the tension so I walked around the table to the Bouncer and said kiss me I want to break a record and kiss three guys in three minutes. So he did and started to reach in my bra and say lets break this record too. His hand was way up high and he found where I had put my lipstick and said oh are your nipples pierced? I had to tell him that way my lipstick.
I went back to *C* and told him I was sad he had to work the next day and he should try to not have to work early next Monday. In a way though I am glad, I don't want to be tempted to go too far too fast with him, or with anyone else, I am trying to change, trying to not be so cynical and bitter and trying to believe I might actually have more then a one night stand.
We kissed some more then more after that and he walked me out of the club and waited til I found Brandy and was ready to take off before he left.
The graveyard shift waitresses from Denny's were at the bar and we decided to go to the truck stop so they could come with us and not have to go to Denny's. Ryan was there and I was really very proud of Brandy for not getting upset or freaking out, she just avoided talking to him and it worked. Blond Jeff was there and I realize I am over my crush on him, I honestly hate feeling like that with a guy I know I don't stand a chance with. We had a lot of fun and I brought brandy home a little after 4 and got Home myself around 4:30 AM
I have no idea if anything will happen with either of those guys but I am willing to take a chance, willing to enjoy flirting with these guys. For the fragile state of my new resolve to not be cynical I hope I don't end up getting burned again right away.
My lungs are really killing me from Saturday night which reminds me I have to be better about taking my Serevent every single day.
I turned the material into a skirt ((ends up if it is 45 inches wide I only need 2 one yard pieces not 2 one and 1/4 yard pieces) while watching Extreme home make-over and Desperate Housewives.
I decided to do a white ensemble to go with the skirt. Tight white tank top that looks like it is knitted out of white satin ribbon, a long white tuxedo over shirt and tons of white yarn falls in my hair with a small amount of black ones with red and sliver mesh in them to match the skirt.
I went to pick up Brandy, her BF decided not to go with us. We got there as usual before 10PM and the club was pretty empty but I had wandering around visiting people and enjoying seeing my white blouse glow in the black lights.
I ended up sitting with *Bacchus* and *C* .. Both guys I had flirted with on different nights and their crowd of friends, I am very gregarious and have no trouble getting to know people. I spent the night flirting with them both and for a while hugging both of them at eh same time to keep warm out on the balcony. I am attracted to both of them and I was really enjoying flirting with them and rubbing their backs.
The Bouncer from Mulligan's was there and he did not recognize me, He was saying well you look like this one girl but you would need to have glasses and wear black. I said "yeah put me in white and no one knows me even with these leading the way" and I grabbed my chest. So he reached around me and grabbed my chest as well. I guess I could be shocked but lets be honest after 5 hours in that bra I was not really feeling anything there.
I ended up sitting next to *C* and he began to stroke my leg under the table. You can tell a lot about a guy by the way he does this. If he tries to lift your skirt up or goes right for the sweet spot then he is being disrespectful and he is someone not willing to go slow and do it right.*C* did neither and was very nice about it. He would stop for a bit and I would rub his thigh for a while and we traded off and on for an hour or so. I was kind of wondering if he did not want people to know what was up but after last call he proved that was not so.
We were all getting ready to go and he started to kiss me. Then *Bacchus* said hey where is my kiss and *C* gave him a smack on the mouth and I told him well that kiss was from me.
He said well why don't you give me a kiss yourself so I did. Very nice kiss indeed!
I kind of wanted to break the tension so I walked around the table to the Bouncer and said kiss me I want to break a record and kiss three guys in three minutes. So he did and started to reach in my bra and say lets break this record too. His hand was way up high and he found where I had put my lipstick and said oh are your nipples pierced? I had to tell him that way my lipstick.
I went back to *C* and told him I was sad he had to work the next day and he should try to not have to work early next Monday. In a way though I am glad, I don't want to be tempted to go too far too fast with him, or with anyone else, I am trying to change, trying to not be so cynical and bitter and trying to believe I might actually have more then a one night stand.
We kissed some more then more after that and he walked me out of the club and waited til I found Brandy and was ready to take off before he left.
The graveyard shift waitresses from Denny's were at the bar and we decided to go to the truck stop so they could come with us and not have to go to Denny's. Ryan was there and I was really very proud of Brandy for not getting upset or freaking out, she just avoided talking to him and it worked. Blond Jeff was there and I realize I am over my crush on him, I honestly hate feeling like that with a guy I know I don't stand a chance with. We had a lot of fun and I brought brandy home a little after 4 and got Home myself around 4:30 AM
I have no idea if anything will happen with either of those guys but I am willing to take a chance, willing to enjoy flirting with these guys. For the fragile state of my new resolve to not be cynical I hope I don't end up getting burned again right away.
Fun Weekend Saturday
SATURDAY JAN 8th
Saturday I had to drive Genesis to his Mom's house to do laundry so I went on around to this coffee shop I really like called Big City, they have these monster chairs and couches and huge muffins and scones, Day old ones just $1 and coffee for $1.20. I was pretty sure I wanted to go out so I wore one of my black evening goth goth gowns and did my hair up in this wild set of falls all in shades of green, blue and black with green metalic mesh. I hung out there til just about 6pm when they closed then headed down the street to Wal-mart.
I bought some knitting needles attached on a plastic cable, I am going to get this lady to teach me to knit soon. I also bought a big skine of multicolor greens and purples to work with. I also bought 2 1/2 yards of 45 inch wide material they had on the discount rack for $2 a yard... it is white with these very elegant black japanese anime faces on it and some people in very old fashion japanese clothes and fighters, it is highlighted in red and silver. I just could not resist.
I dropped by BrandyA's to see if she was home and wanted to go to the bar with me. Thankfully he BF was not there, since he broke up with her and then begged her to let him come back then acted like an ass on NYE I just don't like being around him. Maybe if he sticks around for 6 months I will try to be friends. I admit I am a bit protective of my friend.
We were way early for the bar so we went to this 50s style diner downtown, the prices were through the roof so we had hot tea and a side dish of French Fries. I have to admit they were amazing fries though.
We headed to the bar around 8:40 to beat the 9PM cover charge and sat there while the DJ played the worse mix of 80's hair band music set to a dance overbeat. It took a long time for the club to fill up but once it did it got packed fast. The smoke was killing me but I was having a great time people watching and walking around visiting. Brandy Danced up a storm though I had to go play Jealous GF when a young short Mexican looking guy was trying to hit on her on the dance floor and grope her. I went up and hugged her while glaring at him, he left her alone and started mauling some other chick. Oh well she seemed to enjoy it. I am weird that way, if I hug someone, if I know or at least like them I dont mind being touched, I like it even but if I don't know or like them it gives me the heebie-geebies.
We left around 1 am. I wanted to go to Chinese food but the cops had most of downtown blocked off for something and it took us so long to get to the ATM and get to the restaurant that they were only taking to-go orders. I dropped Brandy off at her house and then drove up the Sherie's by my house and had a small side of BBQ riblets and hot tea.
Saturday I had to drive Genesis to his Mom's house to do laundry so I went on around to this coffee shop I really like called Big City, they have these monster chairs and couches and huge muffins and scones, Day old ones just $1 and coffee for $1.20. I was pretty sure I wanted to go out so I wore one of my black evening goth goth gowns and did my hair up in this wild set of falls all in shades of green, blue and black with green metalic mesh. I hung out there til just about 6pm when they closed then headed down the street to Wal-mart.
I bought some knitting needles attached on a plastic cable, I am going to get this lady to teach me to knit soon. I also bought a big skine of multicolor greens and purples to work with. I also bought 2 1/2 yards of 45 inch wide material they had on the discount rack for $2 a yard... it is white with these very elegant black japanese anime faces on it and some people in very old fashion japanese clothes and fighters, it is highlighted in red and silver. I just could not resist.
I dropped by BrandyA's to see if she was home and wanted to go to the bar with me. Thankfully he BF was not there, since he broke up with her and then begged her to let him come back then acted like an ass on NYE I just don't like being around him. Maybe if he sticks around for 6 months I will try to be friends. I admit I am a bit protective of my friend.
We were way early for the bar so we went to this 50s style diner downtown, the prices were through the roof so we had hot tea and a side dish of French Fries. I have to admit they were amazing fries though.
We headed to the bar around 8:40 to beat the 9PM cover charge and sat there while the DJ played the worse mix of 80's hair band music set to a dance overbeat. It took a long time for the club to fill up but once it did it got packed fast. The smoke was killing me but I was having a great time people watching and walking around visiting. Brandy Danced up a storm though I had to go play Jealous GF when a young short Mexican looking guy was trying to hit on her on the dance floor and grope her. I went up and hugged her while glaring at him, he left her alone and started mauling some other chick. Oh well she seemed to enjoy it. I am weird that way, if I hug someone, if I know or at least like them I dont mind being touched, I like it even but if I don't know or like them it gives me the heebie-geebies.
We left around 1 am. I wanted to go to Chinese food but the cops had most of downtown blocked off for something and it took us so long to get to the ATM and get to the restaurant that they were only taking to-go orders. I dropped Brandy off at her house and then drove up the Sherie's by my house and had a small side of BBQ riblets and hot tea.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Fun weekend Friday
FRIDAY JAN 7th
I got my car back after the brakes nearly failed ((blown out front brake line)) and so I was mobile again. I had intended to go to a sewing circle at a friends house on Friday night but the weather was crappy and my brakes still need to be bled so they are a bit wonky still, I am trying to avoid driving on frozen roads. I also need a tune up, well to be honest what I really need is to let the van warm up for about 10 mins when I drive it but it is hard to sit there that long in freezing temps.
I got my car back after the brakes nearly failed ((blown out front brake line)) and so I was mobile again. I had intended to go to a sewing circle at a friends house on Friday night but the weather was crappy and my brakes still need to be bled so they are a bit wonky still, I am trying to avoid driving on frozen roads. I also need a tune up, well to be honest what I really need is to let the van warm up for about 10 mins when I drive it but it is hard to sit there that long in freezing temps.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
New Years Eve
Sigh
Well so much for a perfect NYE
You know the problem of going to a party at a friends house with all your friends is there is no one new to hit on or even flirt with, unless you count the 19 yr old guy who looked like a 15 girl.
Raine's party was great, a lot of really nice people, no one got too drunk though this one guy did try to preach to all of us but ignoring him it was pretty damn good.
I got a really bad calf cramp and had to sit around trying to get it to go away but other then that it was fine. Before 1 am everyone had headed out for the bar or other parties.
This is where I made my mistake.
I was heading home worried about my brakes going out when I decided at the last minute to go to a party that some friends had gone to after the one at Raine's since it was only a few blocks out of my way home.
basically just a bunch of very bored, mostly underage people with too much booze and not enough mixer hanging out. All would have been fine and if BrandyA and Ryan had not started to fight and Ryan had not pulled a knife on her. He was pulled off managing to cut himself and a friend of ours and I just stood there and watched thinking what a bunch of dumbasses and feeling sorry for the people whose apartment we were at.
I know I should have been more upset for my friend but I just felt drained and I had to head her BF off from making a macho ass of himself trying to go cause trouble with a guy who had already left and even if he hadn't had a knife. I told him if you want to be her bf then go take care of her.
I am trying to not dislike him but he already hurt her once and if he was so dumb as to get himself killed then it would hurt her more. I know it is something wrong with me that I don't have any faith in relationships but I feel like he will probably do it again and again and I don't know what to do or say when it happens which just makes me madder.
People seem to think I am a cynical bitch but if I go into it not expecting much I don't get nearly as hurt.
Well so much for a perfect NYE
You know the problem of going to a party at a friends house with all your friends is there is no one new to hit on or even flirt with, unless you count the 19 yr old guy who looked like a 15 girl.
Raine's party was great, a lot of really nice people, no one got too drunk though this one guy did try to preach to all of us but ignoring him it was pretty damn good.
I got a really bad calf cramp and had to sit around trying to get it to go away but other then that it was fine. Before 1 am everyone had headed out for the bar or other parties.
This is where I made my mistake.
I was heading home worried about my brakes going out when I decided at the last minute to go to a party that some friends had gone to after the one at Raine's since it was only a few blocks out of my way home.
basically just a bunch of very bored, mostly underage people with too much booze and not enough mixer hanging out. All would have been fine and if BrandyA and Ryan had not started to fight and Ryan had not pulled a knife on her. He was pulled off managing to cut himself and a friend of ours and I just stood there and watched thinking what a bunch of dumbasses and feeling sorry for the people whose apartment we were at.
I know I should have been more upset for my friend but I just felt drained and I had to head her BF off from making a macho ass of himself trying to go cause trouble with a guy who had already left and even if he hadn't had a knife. I told him if you want to be her bf then go take care of her.
I am trying to not dislike him but he already hurt her once and if he was so dumb as to get himself killed then it would hurt her more. I know it is something wrong with me that I don't have any faith in relationships but I feel like he will probably do it again and again and I don't know what to do or say when it happens which just makes me madder.
People seem to think I am a cynical bitch but if I go into it not expecting much I don't get nearly as hurt.
