Saturday, October 29, 2005
Coolest site of the week Chicano Pop Art
To whom it may concern
You know who you are, I know who you are.
STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS
leave my mom alone about what you read here, I am 36 years old and my life is none of your business, stop reading my blog and get on with your own life.
STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS
leave my mom alone about what you read here, I am 36 years old and my life is none of your business, stop reading my blog and get on with your own life.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Well no surgery
Probably just as well since the thought of surgery has made me cry so much.
My doctor says they won't approve it till I have 5 years of diet therapy documented with a diet specialist, so it would be 5 years to even think about getting it.
She told me I would end up in a wheelchair if I don't loose a lot of weight before 5 years is up and she wont refer me to a orthopedist until I loose 50 pounds cause they wont even consider me for surgery over 400 pounds.
I am really working on it now, I can't deal with the pain and if it takes giving up fast food and pop then I will do it, as well as junk food and going out all the time.
So NOV is NO month for me,
No Sex (giving it up for a month)
No Soda
No fast food
No bingeing
I let you know how it goes.
My doctor says they won't approve it till I have 5 years of diet therapy documented with a diet specialist, so it would be 5 years to even think about getting it.
She told me I would end up in a wheelchair if I don't loose a lot of weight before 5 years is up and she wont refer me to a orthopedist until I loose 50 pounds cause they wont even consider me for surgery over 400 pounds.
I am really working on it now, I can't deal with the pain and if it takes giving up fast food and pop then I will do it, as well as junk food and going out all the time.
So NOV is NO month for me,
No Sex (giving it up for a month)
No Soda
No fast food
No bingeing
I let you know how it goes.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Not enough credit
Well I HAD thought I had $400 in credit with my landlords but they called and said OH we made a mistake, you only have $200.
I mean Yes it is $200 off my rent next month but still I wish they had their act together and had waited to call me till they knew one way or another how much it was.
I have been up a few hours already, I just can't sleep long I hurt so much. I see the Dr today and will talk to her about getting more meds to help me make it through the night and about the WLS.
I guess I better go take a nap.
I mean Yes it is $200 off my rent next month but still I wish they had their act together and had waited to call me till they knew one way or another how much it was.
I have been up a few hours already, I just can't sleep long I hurt so much. I see the Dr today and will talk to her about getting more meds to help me make it through the night and about the WLS.
I guess I better go take a nap.
Credit in my favor
Remember the money my mom came up with a week or so ago to cover the pro-rated rent?
Well it seems that they were not suppose to charge me for that money cause of all the time it took them to get the place ready. So I now have a credit of around $420 towards rent. Not bad.
Watched Arsenic and Old Lace, one of my favorite old movies, I can watch that movie every year, my favorite Halloween movie. My favorite Christmas movie is Humphrey Bogart's We're No Angels.
Well it seems that they were not suppose to charge me for that money cause of all the time it took them to get the place ready. So I now have a credit of around $420 towards rent. Not bad.
Watched Arsenic and Old Lace, one of my favorite old movies, I can watch that movie every year, my favorite Halloween movie. My favorite Christmas movie is Humphrey Bogart's We're No Angels.
Internet any time now (yeah right)
I am waiting for the internet to come one today, my DSL is suppose to be up and running sometime today and I am just so bored with TV and I hurt too much to read for long. It is 1PM you think they would get there act in gear and hook it up.
Dad called and said he will help pay for the computer my mom is getting me for my birthday, mom says I still can't have it till the 7th of Dec but at least that is only a month and an half away. SIGH then I will be 37.
I made the mistake last night of going with Brandy to a party and getting a little drunk, it did not seem like I had drunken that much but I guess it did not agree with my meds and now it is acting with my daily meds and depressing the hell out of me.
Here are the things that are depressing me in no particular order.
No Lap Band and my compulsive eating seems as bad as ever no matter how hard I try I am hungry all the time, even after I eat.
I am turning 37, I am alone, I have not been in a serious relationship in years and I am getting older and older at an alarming rate.
I hurt all the time and I feel as if the pain is starting to show on my face, I am starting to look a lot closer to my age, I have always been proud of looking young, it has been about the only advantage to being fat I know of.
I had to move from an apt I love to another one, you might say they are the same but my old one had great parking for visitors and this one has none.
I have been totally out of control where men are concerned, I have been allowing myself to be treated like an amusement park ride, fun once in a while but no one wants to ride it everyday.
My damn internet is still not on. I did pretty well for being off line for over a week but I am getting tired of it, I think I am addicted.
I am broke, I am always broke.
I feel so unattractive, I look at my photos and I look in the mirror and I don't believe they are the same person, I don't see how anyone can tell me I am beautiful even though I hear it on line all the time, all I can think is, "yeah but you don't know the real me."
Dad called and said he will help pay for the computer my mom is getting me for my birthday, mom says I still can't have it till the 7th of Dec but at least that is only a month and an half away. SIGH then I will be 37.
I made the mistake last night of going with Brandy to a party and getting a little drunk, it did not seem like I had drunken that much but I guess it did not agree with my meds and now it is acting with my daily meds and depressing the hell out of me.
Here are the things that are depressing me in no particular order.
No Lap Band and my compulsive eating seems as bad as ever no matter how hard I try I am hungry all the time, even after I eat.
I am turning 37, I am alone, I have not been in a serious relationship in years and I am getting older and older at an alarming rate.
I hurt all the time and I feel as if the pain is starting to show on my face, I am starting to look a lot closer to my age, I have always been proud of looking young, it has been about the only advantage to being fat I know of.
I had to move from an apt I love to another one, you might say they are the same but my old one had great parking for visitors and this one has none.
I have been totally out of control where men are concerned, I have been allowing myself to be treated like an amusement park ride, fun once in a while but no one wants to ride it everyday.
My damn internet is still not on. I did pretty well for being off line for over a week but I am getting tired of it, I think I am addicted.
I am broke, I am always broke.
I feel so unattractive, I look at my photos and I look in the mirror and I don't believe they are the same person, I don't see how anyone can tell me I am beautiful even though I hear it on line all the time, all I can think is, "yeah but you don't know the real me."
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Beep Beep
Mom came over while John was watching football and we went to lunch (grilled chicken sandwich and a cup of soup) and then shopping.
I waited for her out front at Home Depot and then when we went to Wal-mart I finally gave in and tried one of their shopping scooters because my knee was clicking. (bones hitting bones)
It is a little embarrassing, I know a lot of people who saw me on it probably thought I was riding just cause I am fat, but I can't let that get me down. It simply hurts way too bad sometimes to shop.
I got a 500 count bottle of Ibuprofin and a huge ice pack with elastic to hold it in place, as well as a thing of white face make-up for Halloween and pink long eyelashes to go with the pink costume.
I am considering the intestinal by-pass if the insurance will pay for it, I have seen and heard so many horror stories about it but I can't go on with this pain, my other knee is starting to hurt from taking so much of the burden of my walking off balance. I can't sleep for any length of time without waking up and hurting so that I have to change positions a couple dozen times a night.
I have to find out if they will pay for the reconstruction surgery for the loose skin, I am already sure they wont pay for a boob job which I will need if I loose a couple hundred pounds.
I am between a rock and a hard place and the devil and the deep blue sea.
I can't loose enough on my own and I am hurting more and more everyday.
I am scared to death of the by-pass and the effects on my body.
I don't know what to do.
Right now I have people who think I am beautiful fat, even though they never seem to want more from me then access to my body. Who will want me when I am a mass of loose skin and then scars?
I know it is a stupid thing to think about but hey I am human and a very flawed one at that.
I waited for her out front at Home Depot and then when we went to Wal-mart I finally gave in and tried one of their shopping scooters because my knee was clicking. (bones hitting bones)
It is a little embarrassing, I know a lot of people who saw me on it probably thought I was riding just cause I am fat, but I can't let that get me down. It simply hurts way too bad sometimes to shop.
I got a 500 count bottle of Ibuprofin and a huge ice pack with elastic to hold it in place, as well as a thing of white face make-up for Halloween and pink long eyelashes to go with the pink costume.
I am considering the intestinal by-pass if the insurance will pay for it, I have seen and heard so many horror stories about it but I can't go on with this pain, my other knee is starting to hurt from taking so much of the burden of my walking off balance. I can't sleep for any length of time without waking up and hurting so that I have to change positions a couple dozen times a night.
I have to find out if they will pay for the reconstruction surgery for the loose skin, I am already sure they wont pay for a boob job which I will need if I loose a couple hundred pounds.
I am between a rock and a hard place and the devil and the deep blue sea.
I can't loose enough on my own and I am hurting more and more everyday.
I am scared to death of the by-pass and the effects on my body.
I don't know what to do.
Right now I have people who think I am beautiful fat, even though they never seem to want more from me then access to my body. Who will want me when I am a mass of loose skin and then scars?
I know it is a stupid thing to think about but hey I am human and a very flawed one at that.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Damn Qwest
Still no internet, Qwest now says that they are not even sure I can get internet and wont know until Monday.
I wish I had gone with Cable Internet.
I am having a horrible time sleeping, no position is comfortable, I wake up ever 10 or 20 mins and when I do sleep a while I have the weirdest dreams. Lots of Zombie dreams.
I wish I had gone with Cable Internet.
I am having a horrible time sleeping, no position is comfortable, I wake up ever 10 or 20 mins and when I do sleep a while I have the weirdest dreams. Lots of Zombie dreams.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
$19,000.00
Went to lunch with BrandyAngela, Mabel and Lizzy, I have to stop eating out at restaraunts. Found out I wont be getting the LAP band after all. My insurance does not cover it, though it will cover an intestinal by-pass which is a dangeous and painful procedure. So unless i can come up with $19,000.00 I wont be getting it. Don't ask me why it has me so depressed. I really did not want it in the first place but I was starting to think it was my best chance. I do not want by-pass surgery, I just want to not be in pain all the time. And it is ALL the time. I dont sleep right because I can't get in a comfortable possition for long, I don't do a lot of the simple stuff i use to like go shopping just for fun or even go to a lot of places if I have to walk very far at all. I just hurt so much.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Screeching Spring
Took my laundry over to my grandmothers and we went over to Chef's Hut for grilled ham sandwiches and fruit cups.
I started working on my Halloween costume, I found this killer material last year, pink flannel with big 2 inch wide black widows all over it. I am making a baby-doll dress with a big black ribbon under the breast and around back in a big bow and then extra flannel for big floppy bows on pigtails ((I will braid my hair to make my pig tails fluffy)) White Nylons and a big lollipop with fluffy pink slippers ((if I can find some)) which I plan to sew little plastic spiders on.
We went over to Uncle Steves and he took the back tires off and found a broken spring, thankfully that was all it was, not the axel or shocks like I was fearing. It cost up about $10 to fix it and less then an hour, in which time I managed to drop a hydraulic wrench/gun on my foot...OWWWW!
My car is working perfect now so I am pretty happy about that.
Listening to Bauhaus
I started working on my Halloween costume, I found this killer material last year, pink flannel with big 2 inch wide black widows all over it. I am making a baby-doll dress with a big black ribbon under the breast and around back in a big bow and then extra flannel for big floppy bows on pigtails ((I will braid my hair to make my pig tails fluffy)) White Nylons and a big lollipop with fluffy pink slippers ((if I can find some)) which I plan to sew little plastic spiders on.
We went over to Uncle Steves and he took the back tires off and found a broken spring, thankfully that was all it was, not the axel or shocks like I was fearing. It cost up about $10 to fix it and less then an hour, in which time I managed to drop a hydraulic wrench/gun on my foot...OWWWW!
My car is working perfect now so I am pretty happy about that.
Listening to Bauhaus
Monday, October 17, 2005
$268
So I get woken up with a call from the landlords office.
"Hi T'Rina did I wake you?"
"Just a little." ((By the way I usually sound like I am dying first thing in the morning with a raspy voice))
"Oh sorry, Anyway I don't want to have to charge you that $75 late feel on the $268 you owe us so I was wondering if you could pay it today?"
"WHAT $268?"
"Oh for the pro-rated rent on the old apt. It has been 5 days and I have to charge you $75 if you don't pay it today."
"No one TOLD me about any $268 or any money owed at all."
Seems I was suppose to be billed for the extra days after the first of the month I had to stay in the apt while I was waiting for the new one but no one told me and since the late fee is automatic I was fuck out of luck.
Next call sounded like this.
"Hi Mom? Yeah well it seems I owe the complex $268 today or they will charge me $75 more."
Thank god for mothers with credit cards.
Went to pick Nadia up from school for Jeff and hung out to start the newest roll playing game. SERENITY. We spent all evening making characters and watching episodes of FIREFLY.
My car is really screeching in the back left tire, I will have to call grandma and have her find out if Uncle Steve can check it out.
"Hi T'Rina did I wake you?"
"Just a little." ((By the way I usually sound like I am dying first thing in the morning with a raspy voice))
"Oh sorry, Anyway I don't want to have to charge you that $75 late feel on the $268 you owe us so I was wondering if you could pay it today?"
"WHAT $268?"
"Oh for the pro-rated rent on the old apt. It has been 5 days and I have to charge you $75 if you don't pay it today."
"No one TOLD me about any $268 or any money owed at all."
Seems I was suppose to be billed for the extra days after the first of the month I had to stay in the apt while I was waiting for the new one but no one told me and since the late fee is automatic I was fuck out of luck.
Next call sounded like this.
"Hi Mom? Yeah well it seems I owe the complex $268 today or they will charge me $75 more."
Thank god for mothers with credit cards.
Went to pick Nadia up from school for Jeff and hung out to start the newest roll playing game. SERENITY. We spent all evening making characters and watching episodes of FIREFLY.
My car is really screeching in the back left tire, I will have to call grandma and have her find out if Uncle Steve can check it out.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Fucking S.A.D.
You know I went through most of last year without any really bad attacks of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) unlike the year before where I slept most of fall and winter away.
Today it hit me like a hammer, I just couldn't seen to stay awake. I would wake up and think about getting up and then find myself waking up again later.
I took the keys to the old apartment in today and went by grandmas house, she took me out to dinner at this Chinese buffet (I had a big plate of stirfried broccoli, carrots and onions with a little bit of noodles, a small amount of chicken and one crab ragoon)
I feel like I have no control over my appetite and not much more control over my eating and the S.A.D. makes it much worse.
I am so depressed about the idea of having to have WLS, I don't want it but I know the pain is just going to get worse. I forgot to take my pain pills this morning and the pain was really bad, every step grated. I have seen what rapid weight loss does to the human body, I am already far from what most people consider attractive, but what happens when I am covered in loose skin.
They tell you how the LAP Band is not a painful procedure, I wonder if they also tell you how much pain it is having the excess skin removed?
How about how much pain there is having a huge band of skin removed and your muscles bisected and reattached?
Will my insurance cover a boob job when I loose weight and they go from an already not very firm H to a heaven only knows what? I doubt it.
What about my thighs, my pubic mound, my ass?
How much will losing weight age me? What will it do to my face?
You bet I am a vain bitch but anyone who tells you they don't think about these things is either lying or
I was at the bar tonight sitting there thinking about stuff.
How did I get so old without even noticing it happening? I feel like I woke up one day and found myself 35 and it just keeps speeding on by. In a few months I will be 37, in a few years 40 and I just don't feel that old emotionally. Mind you physically I feel about 70.
How did I let myself get this big? How did it happen? And why do I seem to have no control over it or anything else in my life.
Why did I have to be born so broken inside? Why does so much have to be wrong with me? If I had JUST manic-depression, Or even JUST BPD or even JUST anxiety or JUST S.A.D. I would be a lot better off but to have it all is like drownding in your own mind, drownding in your own pain.
I came home early, I was only there maybe an hour and a half, I am just so tried everything seems to be so much work, even just visiting with friends. Oh though I did get hit on pretty hard by a chick, when I told her I was taking a month off sex she told me she would see me in a month...LOL.
Listening to The Cruxshadows.
Today it hit me like a hammer, I just couldn't seen to stay awake. I would wake up and think about getting up and then find myself waking up again later.
I took the keys to the old apartment in today and went by grandmas house, she took me out to dinner at this Chinese buffet (I had a big plate of stirfried broccoli, carrots and onions with a little bit of noodles, a small amount of chicken and one crab ragoon)
I feel like I have no control over my appetite and not much more control over my eating and the S.A.D. makes it much worse.
I am so depressed about the idea of having to have WLS, I don't want it but I know the pain is just going to get worse. I forgot to take my pain pills this morning and the pain was really bad, every step grated. I have seen what rapid weight loss does to the human body, I am already far from what most people consider attractive, but what happens when I am covered in loose skin.
They tell you how the LAP Band is not a painful procedure, I wonder if they also tell you how much pain it is having the excess skin removed?
How about how much pain there is having a huge band of skin removed and your muscles bisected and reattached?
Will my insurance cover a boob job when I loose weight and they go from an already not very firm H to a heaven only knows what? I doubt it.
What about my thighs, my pubic mound, my ass?
How much will losing weight age me? What will it do to my face?
You bet I am a vain bitch but anyone who tells you they don't think about these things is either lying or
I was at the bar tonight sitting there thinking about stuff.
How did I get so old without even noticing it happening? I feel like I woke up one day and found myself 35 and it just keeps speeding on by. In a few months I will be 37, in a few years 40 and I just don't feel that old emotionally. Mind you physically I feel about 70.
How did I let myself get this big? How did it happen? And why do I seem to have no control over it or anything else in my life.
Why did I have to be born so broken inside? Why does so much have to be wrong with me? If I had JUST manic-depression, Or even JUST BPD or even JUST anxiety or JUST S.A.D. I would be a lot better off but to have it all is like drownding in your own mind, drownding in your own pain.
I came home early, I was only there maybe an hour and a half, I am just so tried everything seems to be so much work, even just visiting with friends. Oh though I did get hit on pretty hard by a chick, when I told her I was taking a month off sex she told me she would see me in a month...LOL.
Listening to The Cruxshadows.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Sick and Speeding
I went over to some friends house for game night and was having the worse stomach problems, cramps and all that nasty stuff. Finally around midnight I had to head home, I hurt too much and I was getting so tired.
I was heading out on to 27th street when I suddenly thought I am going way too fast and I am going to get stopped by the police.
CUE LIGHTS
right as I started to slow down there were the red and blue lights so I pulled over and prayed I would not get sick there and then. Thankfully the officer came right up to my car as opposed to making me wait for him to run everything. I was just about in tears when I told him I was sick and was hoping to make it to the gas station down the block before I got ill.
He was very sweet and let me go even though I was going nearly 50 in a 30.
As I was heading down the block I saw six cop cars at the store I had wanted to go to and figured I had better head home. Thankfully I made it home without getting sick.
I was heading out on to 27th street when I suddenly thought I am going way too fast and I am going to get stopped by the police.
CUE LIGHTS
right as I started to slow down there were the red and blue lights so I pulled over and prayed I would not get sick there and then. Thankfully the officer came right up to my car as opposed to making me wait for him to run everything. I was just about in tears when I told him I was sick and was hoping to make it to the gas station down the block before I got ill.
He was very sweet and let me go even though I was going nearly 50 in a 30.
As I was heading down the block I saw six cop cars at the store I had wanted to go to and figured I had better head home. Thankfully I made it home without getting sick.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Amazing Show
I woke up in my new place today, it is nice to finally get moved even though I am still living out of boxes, 98% of everything I own is packed.
THE CRUXSHADOWS and EGO LIKENESS played at the Bouquet tonight. I got there early and watched them set up and do a sound check that was four full songs including at least one with both bands on stage. Hell the sound check was better then many act's total sets.
EGO LIKENESS is amazing, the lead singer complimented my day of the dead shirt and the guitarist (HOT) came out in the audience up where I was sitting and gave me a glow stick out of his hair.
I bought their CD DragonFly and got it signed by all the members.
THE CRUXSHADOWS gave quite simply the most amazing show I have ever seen. The lead singer Rouge was all over the place, walking in the audience, singing and climbing on things. He also ended up right next to me in the audience and later climbed up on the railing in front of me and nearly fell on top of me. The have two dancers who do back up singing even though it is a small setting like the bouquet. Along with a keyboardist they have an amazing guitarist and a girl who plays electric violin.
I got to hug Rouge and tell him how great it was to have him come out in the audience since I could not stand up front.
I bought there CD Frozen Embers and got it signed by Rouge, the violinist Rachel and the guitarist.
The only sucky thing is I had to park around the block from my apt since the cludesac I live in has 48 apartments and less then 30 parking spaces.
FRI OCT 14th Clean up and run around
Adam came over to help me clean up the apt I moved out of which was a good thing cause he ended up having to bring his vacuum cleaner over to my old place since mine broke yet another belt. I hurt so bad I cleaned the fridge and all the counters and lower cupboards while sitting in my office chair, my knee is so swollen and my feet so sensitive I could barely stand.
I took him to lunch at Chef's Hut.
My mom showed up to finish cleaning and it made me feel good to have some of it done for her.
I drove Jeff and Nadia around on errands today and then came home and relaxed.
I am not use to living under people, and just to make sure it is extra annoying to me my upstairs neighbor's daughter is having a slumber party and there are a herd of girls upstairs playing music and stomping around. Between that and the lack of parking in this part of the complex I will be moving out in one year as soon as my lease is up. I wont even be unpacking a lot of my things, my knick-knacks and other things as well as repacking a lot of the stuff I just tossed into boxes as I get things out of them.
I am stuck here for a year and that is sad cause I like the apartment itself but the set up is awful as is the parking and all the rules the landlords have for everything. It is going to take a lot of getting use to.
THE CRUXSHADOWS and EGO LIKENESS played at the Bouquet tonight. I got there early and watched them set up and do a sound check that was four full songs including at least one with both bands on stage. Hell the sound check was better then many act's total sets.
EGO LIKENESS is amazing, the lead singer complimented my day of the dead shirt and the guitarist (HOT) came out in the audience up where I was sitting and gave me a glow stick out of his hair.
I bought their CD DragonFly and got it signed by all the members.
THE CRUXSHADOWS gave quite simply the most amazing show I have ever seen. The lead singer Rouge was all over the place, walking in the audience, singing and climbing on things. He also ended up right next to me in the audience and later climbed up on the railing in front of me and nearly fell on top of me. The have two dancers who do back up singing even though it is a small setting like the bouquet. Along with a keyboardist they have an amazing guitarist and a girl who plays electric violin.
I got to hug Rouge and tell him how great it was to have him come out in the audience since I could not stand up front.
I bought there CD Frozen Embers and got it signed by Rouge, the violinist Rachel and the guitarist.
The only sucky thing is I had to park around the block from my apt since the cludesac I live in has 48 apartments and less then 30 parking spaces.
FRI OCT 14th Clean up and run around
Adam came over to help me clean up the apt I moved out of which was a good thing cause he ended up having to bring his vacuum cleaner over to my old place since mine broke yet another belt. I hurt so bad I cleaned the fridge and all the counters and lower cupboards while sitting in my office chair, my knee is so swollen and my feet so sensitive I could barely stand.
I took him to lunch at Chef's Hut.
My mom showed up to finish cleaning and it made me feel good to have some of it done for her.
I drove Jeff and Nadia around on errands today and then came home and relaxed.
I am not use to living under people, and just to make sure it is extra annoying to me my upstairs neighbor's daughter is having a slumber party and there are a herd of girls upstairs playing music and stomping around. Between that and the lack of parking in this part of the complex I will be moving out in one year as soon as my lease is up. I wont even be unpacking a lot of my things, my knick-knacks and other things as well as repacking a lot of the stuff I just tossed into boxes as I get things out of them.
I am stuck here for a year and that is sad cause I like the apartment itself but the set up is awful as is the parking and all the rules the landlords have for everything. It is going to take a lot of getting use to.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Packing, pain and weight loss
Mom more or less finished packing up my place and there I am barely able to walk after going up and down the steps so much.
Thankfully my friend Adam helped mom move furniture or she would have done all of it herself.
I realize I have got to loose a lot of weight and I have totally given into the snack craving with all the stress of having to move, I am sure I gained back the 20 Lbs I lost while on Darvaset (it caused horrible depression) and I can only hope not more.
I hurt so bad from all the exertion and I realize it is just going to get worse, walking off kilter cause of the left knee and the right foot has made my hips hurt and now my right knee has started to twinge.
I am afraid I am going to have to give in to the Weight Loss Surgery so I can get a knee replacement, because even if they would fix one knee now the other is just going to deteriorate more as well as my hips and my ankles.
I don't want weight loss surgery (WLS), I have seen what rapid weight loss does to the body of really big women, how baggy and saggy they get. I already am to some extent but not as bad as I will be if I loose 100 pounds in a year. If I do get WLS it would have to be the LAP Band, I wont accept anything else since it is the most easy to reverse.
I am going to try for the next few months going on a pretty serious diet, keeping track of everything I eat and why and going to the YMCA to swim. I want to see if I can lose some weight by myself before giving in to WLS. I also plan to talk to a surgeon about how much weight they want me to lose before they would consider Knee replacement.
Thankfully my friend Adam helped mom move furniture or she would have done all of it herself.
I realize I have got to loose a lot of weight and I have totally given into the snack craving with all the stress of having to move, I am sure I gained back the 20 Lbs I lost while on Darvaset (it caused horrible depression) and I can only hope not more.
I hurt so bad from all the exertion and I realize it is just going to get worse, walking off kilter cause of the left knee and the right foot has made my hips hurt and now my right knee has started to twinge.
I am afraid I am going to have to give in to the Weight Loss Surgery so I can get a knee replacement, because even if they would fix one knee now the other is just going to deteriorate more as well as my hips and my ankles.
I don't want weight loss surgery (WLS), I have seen what rapid weight loss does to the body of really big women, how baggy and saggy they get. I already am to some extent but not as bad as I will be if I loose 100 pounds in a year. If I do get WLS it would have to be the LAP Band, I wont accept anything else since it is the most easy to reverse.
I am going to try for the next few months going on a pretty serious diet, keeping track of everything I eat and why and going to the YMCA to swim. I want to see if I can lose some weight by myself before giving in to WLS. I also plan to talk to a surgeon about how much weight they want me to lose before they would consider Knee replacement.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
My Mom, the Goddess
I was finally able to sign the lease on the new downstairs apt only to find out that the one I am in already rented and they need to be in as soon as possible since they have to have it ready by the 20th. They took forever to get anything done then tell us we have less then a week to move and clean the place. I am going to get screwed on the deposit and they are going to be adding a lot more since I was not able to live there 3 years or more so I will have to pale for about 60% of any painting they have to do.
My Mom is a Goddess, Wonder Woman and SuperGirl all rolled up in one.
She is 5'2 and maybe 120Lbs soaking wet and she loaded up my entire apt. in my van and her car, making trips up and down the stairs at least 60 times. She is my hero and I feel so guilty cause my knee makes it impossible for me to go down the stairs carrying much of anything.
I called up the Cable company, the phone Company and Idaho Power.
I do not get my Cable till Thursday and my phone till Friday and if I want to keep my old phone number I will be off line until NEXT Thursday the 20th. Mind you if I change my phone number they could have DSL ready on Friday, go figure.
My Mom is a Goddess, Wonder Woman and SuperGirl all rolled up in one.
She is 5'2 and maybe 120Lbs soaking wet and she loaded up my entire apt. in my van and her car, making trips up and down the stairs at least 60 times. She is my hero and I feel so guilty cause my knee makes it impossible for me to go down the stairs carrying much of anything.
I called up the Cable company, the phone Company and Idaho Power.
I do not get my Cable till Thursday and my phone till Friday and if I want to keep my old phone number I will be off line until NEXT Thursday the 20th. Mind you if I change my phone number they could have DSL ready on Friday, go figure.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Finally!
Finally convinced the landlady to let me move apts, mind you the place had been ready since Thursday the 6th but it took her five days to let me know. I didn't find out till nearly 5 pm that night so had to wait till the next day to start moving in.
Mom and I went shopping after splitting a monster veggy borrito at Cafe Ole' and stopped by BORDERS Bookstore. Mom bought me a book of Erotic Art and then we went to TARGET where she bought me socks.
Lunch, Erotica and socks, I have the coolest mom.
Mom and I went shopping after splitting a monster veggy borrito at Cafe Ole' and stopped by BORDERS Bookstore. Mom bought me a book of Erotic Art and then we went to TARGET where she bought me socks.
Lunch, Erotica and socks, I have the coolest mom.
Kissing the virgin
I went to Industria and saw this guy T* who I have known a while and who I pretty much Always end up taking home when we meet up at the club. This week I spent time talking to him but also these 21 yr old guys, one of who I had met over a year ago, the other a cute little blonde who told me he was a virgin. He might be a virgin but I can tell you he likes BBWs by the way he was flirting with me and putting his arm around me. Oh yeah and the fact that he looked me in the eyes and said, "Teach me how to kiss."
What a line.
Of course it worked and I ended up kissing him for about 30 mins until he stepped back and said, "Thanks I better find my friend." Tease.
Mind you in the meantime my friend T had left the bar and I don't know if he is mad about it or not, so much for a sure thing.
I also ended up giving a kiss to a cute hippy chick, nothing serious but enough to make the boys groan and want to know why they can't have one.
Went and did the usual IHOP thing afterwards.
I guess it really doesn't matter since I am giving up sex for at least 2 weeks if not a month, I feel out of control, I have been way too wild lately. I need to know I am choosing to fool around for pleasure not just cause I am out of control. I am definitely not acquiring any new lovers for quite a while.
What a line.
Of course it worked and I ended up kissing him for about 30 mins until he stepped back and said, "Thanks I better find my friend." Tease.
Mind you in the meantime my friend T had left the bar and I don't know if he is mad about it or not, so much for a sure thing.
I also ended up giving a kiss to a cute hippy chick, nothing serious but enough to make the boys groan and want to know why they can't have one.
Went and did the usual IHOP thing afterwards.
I guess it really doesn't matter since I am giving up sex for at least 2 weeks if not a month, I feel out of control, I have been way too wild lately. I need to know I am choosing to fool around for pleasure not just cause I am out of control. I am definitely not acquiring any new lovers for quite a while.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Going to be off line for a bit
I know I have been really bad at keeping up with this blog but I am going to try to stay up to date more.
A lot has happened in the last week or so.
Wednesday the 5th I went to see Gene Loves Jezebel at the Bouquet.
Saturday the 8th I went to the Balcony to hang out with my friends from NNI, they are swingers (not something I am into) but great, funny out going people. I guess you would have to be pretty outgoing to say to someone, "Hey mind if I play with your spouse?"
I feel kind of bad cause even though they are all cool I am always going to be on the outside of the group, one I am not part of a couple so I am not a swinger, two I am a lot bigger then any of them and even though the women flirt with me the men don't and so even if I was inclined to swing it is not really an option.
I know I could never bring myself to swing if I was in a relationship, I don't think it is in me to love someone and share them like that. But that does not mean I don't like these people.
To bad a lot of the stuff they do is couples and members only parties.
We ended up at IHOP with about 20 of us and thankfully I was not the only single female, a friend from Yahoo>Idaho Chat> Room1 was there from a town not far away.
A lot has happened in the last week or so.
Wednesday the 5th I went to see Gene Loves Jezebel at the Bouquet.
Saturday the 8th I went to the Balcony to hang out with my friends from NNI, they are swingers (not something I am into) but great, funny out going people. I guess you would have to be pretty outgoing to say to someone, "Hey mind if I play with your spouse?"
I feel kind of bad cause even though they are all cool I am always going to be on the outside of the group, one I am not part of a couple so I am not a swinger, two I am a lot bigger then any of them and even though the women flirt with me the men don't and so even if I was inclined to swing it is not really an option.
I know I could never bring myself to swing if I was in a relationship, I don't think it is in me to love someone and share them like that. But that does not mean I don't like these people.
To bad a lot of the stuff they do is couples and members only parties.
We ended up at IHOP with about 20 of us and thankfully I was not the only single female, a friend from Yahoo>Idaho Chat> Room1 was there from a town not far away.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Friday - movies and roses
I picked up Jeff's daughter Nadia from school today, I call her my niece, then took Jeff to cash his check and back to his house then I went and got a case for my poolcue. For someone who plays so badly I have all the cool toys.
I took Jeff to his girlfriend's house so they could take Nadia to get picked up by her grandma and went and cleaned out the minivan, Damn what a mess.
Jeff, Marrissa and I went to IHOP to wait for the movie to start at 9:30 at the new theater in the next city over ((about a 15 mile drive)) but first we had to pick up a friend of our across town. We got to the movie with seconds to spare and met Cody there.
SERENITY is an amazing Sc-fi adventure and I would suggest that anyone whether they have seen the series FIREFLY or not go see it. I had to race across town to get one friend home in time for his curfew and to get Jeff and Marrisa downtown to her place then I turned around and went back to Meridian and went to coffee with friends. Altogether I probably drove 50 or 60 miles just for the movie and coffee.
ROSES
I got 2 dozen roses from one of my on-line admirers from Europe, ohhh man they are so lovely.
I took Jeff to his girlfriend's house so they could take Nadia to get picked up by her grandma and went and cleaned out the minivan, Damn what a mess.
Jeff, Marrissa and I went to IHOP to wait for the movie to start at 9:30 at the new theater in the next city over ((about a 15 mile drive)) but first we had to pick up a friend of our across town. We got to the movie with seconds to spare and met Cody there.
SERENITY is an amazing Sc-fi adventure and I would suggest that anyone whether they have seen the series FIREFLY or not go see it. I had to race across town to get one friend home in time for his curfew and to get Jeff and Marrisa downtown to her place then I turned around and went back to Meridian and went to coffee with friends. Altogether I probably drove 50 or 60 miles just for the movie and coffee.
ROSES
I got 2 dozen roses from one of my on-line admirers from Europe, ohhh man they are so lovely.
