Standing on the Borderline ~ T'Rina / MsXXL

There is this song I have loved, coveted since I was about 16. Arcadia's MISSING from So Red the Rose.
When I was planning Bacchus' CD I remembered how much this song ment to me and I found a copy to put on it. One night at the bar they had put on some Duran Duran (Arcadia was a spilt off of them) and I asked if he knew the song Missing.
He not only said yes and that he loved it but he turned to girl I know he has had feelings for and said "Oh I put that on that CD I made you didn't I?" I felt like I had been kicked, as if something special had been stolen from me, something I wanted to share had already been given away.
Yes I know it was irrational. As I built the CD Soundtrack I started to realize that that is as much my song as anyones, it has ment something to me for nearly 20 years and I realized that part of the reason I was so sad about this is it has always been a song I wanted someone to think of me when they hear it. I have always wanted to be the kind of woman people write poems for and spend a lot of time thinking up mix CDs of all the songs that make them think of me (nice possitive ones at least) but I am not. I AM the kind of woman people do art of, not sure why but I have a lot of art people have done of and for me.
Maybe it is because I love words so much that I have always wanted to be the kind of person that someone who actually KNOWS me would want to use words to tell me how the feel and think of me.

The thing with the song MISSING other then the fact that it is just beautiful beyond messure is the fact that I listened to it over and over during a really good time in my life (well as god as any time has been) I was 16, living with my dad and even though there was a lot of stress I enjoyed my life a lot then. The memory that sticks with me most about that song is walking back from studying for my GED, my Dad lived on a old street with huge houses and a small very classy cemetary at the end of the street. I was walking through melting snow on one of those amazing big-sky country days, when it is cold, bright and the air is so pure it sparkles. I was walking through the small grave yard, and I coudl see the sun shining through the long melting icecicles on an old building's eaves.
If you know the song you realize it has a sound much like dripping water. I stood there, mid afternoon between the small graceful graves and played the song over a second time while staring at the ice melting. Somehow that image is so strong in my mind, so pure I am glad I never saw a video for the song, since to some extent that IS my mental video for it.
I wish I had more moments like that in my life.

Missing

And as I wander down to where you lay
the blood rushed up to meet the roses
in your hair
I thought I saw you smile
But now I don't see you anywhere
Whispering your love song in my ear
how can you touch me
when you're not really there?

Stumbling out I made my way towards the open door
climbing fast the sun broad streaming
laughter down into your empty gaze
where can I find out
how I want to join in your games
I hear you calling
I hear you ... calling calling calling calling
whispering your love song in my ear
how can you touch me?
how do you really dare?

I am doing a Soundtrack (Mix CD) for Bacchus Birthday.
The thing about making a mix for someone is you end up putting songs that are how you feel about Them, how they make you feel about Yourself, songs that you just end up thinking of them when you hear them, songs that say things about you that you want them to know and songs that you just know they enjoy.

There are two ways to do Mix CDs, you can pick a bunch of random songs and put them in any order or make a Soundtrack, pick very specific songs and then agonize over how they blend together.

Know how compulsive I am you can guess this is a Soundtrack.

Here is one of the songs on it, Pretty easy to figure out that it is about me...

"Unwell"
Matchbox 20

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be, me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think
There must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

I belong to a yahoo mailing list for the Goth group I hang out with in Boise, though the COUNTY MORGUE has members world round
Every few months some new person comes on and asks if we have a love spell for them. Now if they ever asked "is there such a thing as a spell that can bring love into my life?" I am sure they would get a list of interesting, positive and helpful replies as well as a few spells from those who believe in them.
But this is never the case, what they say is something along the lines of "Someone give me a spell to make someone love me and don't tell me they don't exist cause I want the real thing and no crap."
And then the fire storm starts, small at first with a polite reply or two about how you can not force a person to love you and magic does not work that way, or if it does it will backfire. Then come the "you are all full of shit and just don't want to tell me, I don't care tell me how to do it." posts.
These are quickly followed by the "Don't be an ass." and "If you want love get off your fucking ass and go find it." posts and goes downhill from there.
I am posting this here because this is what I am attempting to do in my own life, and it does not hurt to remind myself of it at all.
Here is my post on the subject as I tried to summarize what people were trying to say without getting mad.


I usually don't say anything about this kind of post
until it gets to the point one of the mods is having
to threaten action since I do not practice this kind of magic.

But here is a layperson take on the question.

Wether you believe in pure magic or not, wether you
believe in cause and effect or not ((and if not you
need to pay attention)) here is what it comes down to.

You can not force another to love you. And a full
"Love spell" as most people talk of it is actually a
"Love compulsions spell" a spell to force another's
love.

Wether you believe in magic, meditation, chanting or
positive thought or hell just a lot of wishing it
comes down to this... be careful not just WHAT you ask
for but HOW you ask.

If you want to help bring love in to your life by
these methods don't say "make this person love me."
say instead, "allow me to be the person that the kind
of person I want can love." and it does not hurt to
add a little "Allow me to cross paths with the person
I could love and be loved by."

After that it is action.

While I am in no way Christian a few things have
always struck me as pretty true when you get to the
decent heart of it, in fact they are at the heart of most
religions. Prayer is like meditation or even
attempting to cast spells, it is putting your thoughts
out there. You can put them out but as one nun once
told me "You have to meet him half way, God gave us
free will, he likes to see us use it, and if you are not
willing to use that will to work for something you
must not want it very badly."

The same woman also said "all
prayers are answered, sometimes the answer is no,
sometimes it is phrased in a way you just don't
understand right now."

Take out the religious aspect of prayer and you are
pretty much talking magic, wishful thinking and
meditation. They are great, they focus you but if you
can not match the effort you will not get what you
want.

Look to yourself and find out what it is in YOU that
is keeping love at bay, then work on it, work on
meeting more people, doing more things, work on being
the person you want to love.

Ask yourself this question, if you were to meet an
exact copy of yourself would you want to spend time
with you, could you live with yourself or would you
drive yourself nuts?

Go from there

I have added a MySpace profile as a way to link into my other stuff and to give my friends an easier way to comment
http://www.myspace.com/14127616

And I am my tattered, damaged wings
Unfurled
Failing to catch the wind
Failing to raise me above my pain
And I am my tattered self
No less a Butterfly

T'Rina 4-25-05

Main Entry: dis·com·bob·u·late
Pronunciation: "dis-k&m-'bä-b(y)&-"lAt
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -lat·ed; -lat·ing
Etymology: probably alteration of discompose
: UPSET, CONFUSE discombobulated all the German defensive arrangements -- A. J. Liebling>
***************************

Yep that is how I feel, Discombobulated. To me being discombobulated is when you feel upset, confused, outside of yourself, lost, disconnected and slightly off but none of them so completely that you can put a finger on which it really is or why it is happening.
Maybe it is the weather, those high grey clouds that never seem to have any depth to them. Who knows.
It is just how I feel and I know it will go away. OK I HOPE it will anyway.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:38 PM

"While you and I have lips and voices which are for kissing and to sing with - who cares if some one-eyed son of a bitch invents an instrument to messure spring with."

"To be nobody-but-yourself--in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else--means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."

"It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are."

E(dward E(stlin) Cummings (1894-1962) American writer

Wednesday I went out for a girls night with 3 of my friends and then we met up at a coffee shop for Stitch and Bitch. A guy we know was there and he mentioned he broke up with this girl (I think I mentioned she was the crazy drunk I ended up babysitting at a party around Valentines Day)
I asked him why the hell would you do that she is nuts and doesn't even try to hide it, he admitted she has been text messaging him over and over 100s of times since he broke up with her. I asked what he expected from someone like her and told him she had BPD much worse then I have ever had it. He said he knew she was Manic Depressive but did not think she had Borderline Personality Disorder, that is until I showed him the diagnostic list.
Where I have quite a few of them and some of those more along the lines of 'not so much' and 'well more in the past' he read the list and realized she has all of them in the extreme. She continued to message him and I told him how it would go, how she would most likely progress in it, from I want you back to I hate you to I am going to get even with you. Basically I thought of every case study I have read and took it to the extreme and damned if she did not do all I had said. The thing is she is totally unaware it seems that what she is doing is not right, that it is making things so much worse.
I have never, even at my worse, been that bad. I don't have the anger or the need to manipulate that she does, I don't go from love to hate like that and I am totally aware I am thinking and feeling unreasonable thoughts. Which is why I wear padded hair bands around my wrist, when I find myself thinking some totally BPD thought I SNAP myself with one. Part of the problem with BPD is not only do you have irrational thoughts and feelings you have a very hard time stopping them. And that is a big part of the difference between her and myself, I do try to stop them, I know the difference between thought and feeling and action and I can choose to not take the action. On a scale of one to ten I am a 3 and getting lower and she is an 11.
I am sorry this guy is going through this but at the same time it was important I see this, that I realize that not only am I not as bad as that I have Never been that bad and never will be and that I am getting better at dealing with it all the time.


Friday I picked Bacchus up from work at 3 to run some errands before he had to go home and take care of his daughter. We went to Wal-Mart and I bought a Star Wars Blaster, yes I am a geek. But hey it made me happy.
While we were driving I told him that I had come to the realization that we would never be lovers again, not because he did not want it but because I realized it would be too hard on me. After 6 weeks I still find myself wanting to be that way with him so much it hurts, there was such a connection there it was too intense to exist in a relationship that was not equally intense. I feel some relief about it, but I also feel a deep sorrow and of course there is the temptation of saying so lets have one last go at it and make it really good, but I know it would just tear me open again.
I really need to find someone in town who likes me the way the way I want to be liked, hell who even desires me the way I deserve. I want to feel passion with someone who really adores my body, I want to erase my sense memories.

On one of the mailing lists I am on we have whiny Wednesdays, every Wednesday we list the top 5 things that are getting to us, here is mine.

#1 My medicine is making me so tired but I am having a hard time staying asleep.

#2 Emotions, (mine and others) just once I would like them to all be how I want them to be, but then I can not control my own feelings what chance do I have of controlling anyone else's?

#3 Control, or more to the point the lack there of ((please note #2)) I hate having such a hard time controlling my Emotions and actions.

#4 Having to get my mom to co-sign for my satellite TV thing since I have no credit and having to pay an extra $40 so they can mount it on a tripod since I can't attach it the building

#5 Sick of having my neck snap, crackle and pop like a bowl of rice crispies, I just want it to not hurt but taking anything serious for it makes me extra loopy

And since I am trying so hard to not be too negative I will list some good things.

#1 I am going to get satellite TV with a DVR cause my mom is so cool to put the deposit on her credit card.

#2 My wonderful friends, some of who deserve to be treated better then I have been doing, but I am working on it.

#3 I am starting to take control of my illness and even though I know it could be the rest of my life working on it I have a bit of hope.

#4 I have a great support system, friends, family and councilor.

#5 I have not had a major anxiety attack since I got out of the ER on Saturday morning, just a few tiny ones I headed off. OK so it means decaf tea and coffee, next to no chocolate, no booze and not pushing myself to stay awake when I am tired but oh well anything is better then thinking my chest will explode

What frightens me right now is that I can not seem to tell the difference between hunger/stomach ache and the anxiety/Need I tend to have to be in contact with Bacchus. Every bit of discomfort I feel gets read as stress/Need, as my BPD. I know I was not like this always, but thinking back I can't remember if I was or wasn't like this most of the times I cared about any man.
Last year I had two different guys who were in my life for a while and I did not get like this with them, I pushed both of them out of my life. I realize looking back at my blog and thinking about the last 5 or 6 months that a depression has been brewing for a while. I did not realize it cause it was one of those manic depressions, unless you have had one I don't know how to explain it. Basically it crept up on me, killing my self esteem and making me very negative and down on life a bit but I did not realize how bad it was getting because I was still basically manic, running around, a lot of energy, being very social.
But it was there, negative thoughts and feelings. And into this mix comes a guy who is so much of what I want from a guy, who I love to be physical with and who told me I was beautiful and that I had the most amazing eyes. Then I realize he cares for me but does not love me... Big shock, well not really and that is the problem. The months of depression before I met him had eaten away at my self esteem and together it put my BPD into over drive.
I took a personality profile and it came up with me actually having more Histrionic tendencies then BPD ones, only one problem there, I don't fit the criteria really. Yes I love to be the center of attention but I don't freak out if I am not nor do I hate anyone who is. I Do flirt and use my sexuality to garner attention, but unlike histrionic people I honestly do care about other people, I am very worried about hurting them and inconveniencing them. I honestly care about people, especially those I have feelings for and hold dear.
So taking that into consideration and taking the fact that I want to be able to keep Bacchus as a friend I realized I HAVE to get a grip on my BPD, I have to force myself to give him space, even if it means barely seeing him for a while. The sad thing is it really is FORCING myself, I will plan to not do something and then do it before I realize I am doing it.
I told him Monday that I wanted to give him space, that I figured I would see him Monday nights for the game and maybe on Friday evening for a few hours at least for a few weeks. Then I ended up being so wiped out on Monday night I had to sleep there till 3 am when I drove home half dead and scared to death but I knew I could not spend the entire night without making it worse. While he was telling me he did not want me to drive half asleep he was also pretty clear about the fact that he felt he never has time alone. I try to believe he means from everyone but it is hard for me to believe that. Anyway I was laying there and he mentioned that he wanted to go to a concert at this club on Wednesday but did not know if these friends of his would be able to take him, so out of my mouth comes "I can take you." This not long after I made my vow to give him space. Then I said well I am meeting a bunch of my friends who he knows for a ladies night at a Mexican place here in town where they have 2 for 1 Margaritas. He says "Oh man I love Margaritas." So out of my mouth comes "Well you could come with me I am sure they will not mind." Even as I said it I thought what the hell???
I felt so guilty about taking up his time and invading his space last night I called this morning to tell him I had gotten home alright and then I called him a second time and left a message about the concert time. Both times I had to leave messages and even though I have no reason to believe it and try to tell myself to quit it there is that voice in the back of my head saying "he is screening your calls." Even though I have no real reason to believe it.
I though about it, thought about how I felt weak for not standing by my plan, how he has been able to stand by his vow of celibacy so far and how I could not even vow to not take up his time for 5 days. So I called his machine when I knew he was at work (no chance of thinking he is screening) and told him I felt bad about taking so much of his time and energy, that I was not going to be able to see him Wednesday and that I would not call him till Friday and I hoped we could keep our plans for then, I told him to feel free to call me Thursday night or Friday early to let me know if the plans change.
I realize that my BPD impulses are just like any addictive behavior and that just like it was hard to give up drinking again and just as I still get so tempted to take a drink when I am not feeling good I have to resist giving in to my BPD relationship based impulses, like calling him all the time. If I can not make it one week, one day, one evening, one hour without giving into my impulses what chance do I have of ever controlling them and my thoughts and feelings?
I want him as a friend, I know deep in my heart and more and more in the fore front of my mind that we will never be lovers again, not just because of what he wants but because of what I need. I know that if we ever made love again everything I am working towards would go to hell in a handbag. I would be back at square one. That does not mean I don't need to know he thinks about it sometimes, or to know that he is sometimes as tempted as I am, it is a basically ego driven illness anyway.
I know that I would have to go really far before he would stop being my friend but I don't want to be the kind of friend you dread dealing with. I don't want him to resent me and I don't want to put anymore stress on him, he is a good person and does not deserve it. And I need to know I can control myself, I need to have more contact with my other friends, not let them slip away. I need to be there for them the way they have been there for me.
I need quite simply to get on with it, to get on with my life and to get on with getting better.
It won't be easy but I will do it.

I figure I need all the help I can get to get my self esteem back so I made this.


For a Full Size one click here

You know how when stuff is going wrong in your life and someone says "hey it could be worse"? and they say things like you could have cancer, you could be starving in africa... whatever. It does not usualy help but I have found one that does help.
You could have a leech in your nose.
*****************
Bloodsucking leech spends month up Hong Kong hiker's nose

Fri Apr 8, 7:31 AM ET


HONG KONG (AFP) - A Hong Kong woman hiker who washed her face in a freshwater stream unwittingly returned home with a leech embedded in her left nostril.

The woman did not realise anything was wrong until two weeks later when she felt there was something in her nose, the Hong Kong Medical Journal reported in its April edition.

A first attempt by the family doctor to remove it failed due to profuse nosebleed while a second attempt in hospital was also unsuccessful as the leech retracted into her nose, the journal said in its report on the rare complaint.

Doctors finally managed to remove it using a nasal spray to anaesthetise the five-centimetre-long (two-inch) bloodsucker a month after it had invaded her nostril.

"After two minutes, the leech slowly moved out of the antrum (sinus) and was retrieved with forceps," it said.

"This form of leech infestation has not been previously reported," it added.

The woman could have suffocated if the leech had attached itself to her larynx, the journal said.

"I did not notice any leeches in the water," the 55-year-old housewife told the South China Morning Post.

"I am used to seeing all these worms in the water while hiking."

Another member of her hiking group had also suffered a similar leech infestation and was also treated, the journal said.

****************

So when things get bad remember... you could have a leech in your nose.

Auntie T'Rina ((I have a new favorite saying now))

By JUAN A. LOZANO, Associated Press Writer

HOUSTON - Even though she's been a model, an author and small-business owner, Catherine Schuller said some sales clerks still only see her as an overweight woman who is out of place in their stores.
"I was once in a store and asked for the plus-size section. The clerk said, 'Why would I know that.' It's like I was insulting her," said Schuller, who runs CurveStyle: Reshaping Fashion, a New York consulting firm. "I tend not to want any help from sales associates."
A small Rice University study details some of the unpleasant experiences of women like Schuller and other overweight shoppers. The study suggests sales clerks subtly discriminate against obese shoppers unless they think the customer is trying to lose weight.

But the world's largest retail trade association said the study proves only that some sales clerks are rude.

The research, conducted over five years, was done in three phases and focused on a large Houston mall. The shoppers visited smaller stores; no department stores or restaurants were included.

In the first phase, 10 white women played the role of a customer in four scenarios: casually and professionally dressed average-weight shoppers, and casually and professionally dressed obese shoppers. Those posing as obese participants wore a prosthetic that made them appear to be a size 22.

The obese shoppers reported greater levels of interpersonal discrimination, with the ones casually dressed facing the most rejection. The subtle forms of discrimination included less eye contact, more rudeness, hostility and unfriendliness, said Eden King, one of the study leaders.

"That kind of subtle discrimination is more challenging and potentially more harmful," said King, a Rice graduate student in psychology.

In the second phase, seven women acted as either obese or healthy-weight shoppers. They also carried either a diet cola or an ice cream drink and told store employees whether or not they were trying to lose weight.

Obese shoppers with the ice-cream drink reported the greatest amount of discrimination, King said.

The third phase of the research involved interviews with 191 white women, who were not involved in the study, about their shopping experiences in general. Obese women said they faced more discrimination, spent less time and money in the store and would probably not return.

But Scott Krugman, spokesman for the National Retail Federation in Washington, D.C., said he doesn't think the study clarifies whether the store employees were actually discriminating against the obese shoppers or whether they were just rude across the board.

"Discrimination happens in all walks of life, and it's wrong," he said. "If this behavior is happening, retailers want to know."

Krugman said the women carrying drinks might have been treated poorly because the store may have forbid food or beverages.

However, Chris Crandall, a psychology professor at the University of Kansas who has tracked attitudes toward the overweight for the last 20 years, said the Rice findings are typical.

"To reduce anti-fat prejudice, we have to tell people how much the problem is due to genetics and physiology and how it has less to do with willpower," he said. "But that flies against the American way of thinking about things."

Allen Steadham, spokesman for the International Size Acceptance Association in Austin, said the study's findings should be a call to action.

"Overweight people feel embarrassed when discriminated against and they want to forget it. "We as consumers have to connect with the businesses and make our needs known," he said.

So tell me what you think of the new header and sidebar intro?
Give me your oppinion in the comments

Well I put my hair in rollers Thursday night and then friday get a call from Bacchus telling me that he had only an hours sleep that night and was exhausted and that a friend of our broke up with her man and needed him, and that she was going to move into the spare room at the house he and his roommates share.
Of course this would be easier for me if she was not so beautiful and if I didn't know he has had feelings for her even though he says they have changed to more of a family thing. I was so disappointed that we could not take pics and I felt so bad about being mad, I want to get past these irrational feelings. I actually thought I was doing pretty good there for a while, I was not overly upset about her moving in, though I admit I am sort of jealous, I just wish I looked more like her and that people would fall for me the way they do for her and yes, I am envious of the time they get to spend together. It is one of the things I am trying to work over. It would be so much easier to have a ego based disorder if you had the kind of body and face that people flock to.
Being fat is hard enough, being really fat is even harder, I admit I deserve to have all the self esteem I can get and I actually do pretty well when not in a flare up of my illness. It is just when the depression and the BPD gang up on me and I am feeling unloved and unwanted that my self esteem hits the loo. That of course is the catch 22, When I am feeling up and bouncy I have people who want to flirt with me, who like me and so I meet more people and have more chances of acting out and I start to feel bad that I have no self control. Having people to flirt with feeds my ego but realizing that they are not interested in ME just getting lucky brings me back down.
At some point while I am out flirting and having a decent time I find one I care about and without fail he does not feel the same way. If I am lucky and I get away fast it only hurts my feelings but if I let myself care, if I really like him then it starts the cascade of crappy feelings. An avalanche of BPD. It is like a musical feedback, it just adds onto itself and gets worse and worse.
The sad thing is I met Bacchus on the way down, I had been running manic for so long and was slowly starting to slip into darkness. Who knows if I had not met him, had not learned to care for him I might not have have hit the bottom of the BPD cycle. Or maybe I would have it just would have taken longer and then I might not have gotten help.
I wish I had never gone off of my meds about 2 years ago, I wish I had stayed with my councilor and actually focused on the BPD, and more then anything i wish that by the time I met Bacchus I had had more of a grasp on it, more control. I know it would not have made any difference in him loving me or wanting to have a real relationship but at least I would not feel like I have put so much on his shoulders.
I am sort of hung up on having people remember me, and it breaks my heart that if I were to die today he would remember as tormented and needy as something less then I know I can be, as a person being pulled apart by fear and doubt who nearly begs for reassurance.
What do I want out of life? The list is long so I guess I will go to the question of what do I want for me mentally?
I want to be happy, the honest to heaven type of happy where doubt does not eat at your soul like mice at a bar of soap.
I want to someday have a relationship with someone, an honest one where I am not riddled with fear, obsessive thoughts and jealousy where I have no real doubt that I am truly important and the opinions of others will not sway that.
I want to be the kind of person people choose to spend time with and I want to have no doubt in my mind that they will choose me because they enjoy being with me as opposed to always feeling like they are just humoring the poor fat chick.
I want to be more motivated, I want to go back to doing my art on a regular basis. I DO have talent I just have to work it, explore it and make it happen.
I want to be confident and know that there are men out there who like ME as a person not just as a body with big tits.
Most of all I want to be loved. By myself as well as by someone else. That annoying old adage of you have to love yourself before someone else can truly love you is true at least if you have BPD.

I ended up in the ER at 4 am this morning.
I had not had anxiety attacks much before this week and lazt night they would not stop, I was exhausted and gave up on sleeping by midnight but continued to feel worse and worse as the night progressed. Finally it felt as if my heart was being squeezed out of my chest and I could not breath deeply enough, I felt dizzy and sick to my tummy.
I decided that just in case it was something else I needed to go to the ER, I drove to my grandmas and decided I had to have her take me the rest of the way.
They did an EKG and tested my air intake and my pulse and took a chest X-ray then doped me up with a lot of different things until the pain stopped and I could breat right.
They agree it is an Anxiety attack and have given me valium to help fight the insomnia which is making it so much worse. I feel as if I can not sleep until I am exhausted and my muscles are twitching.
I really hope this will help since it is making me feel desperate.

All night long, all damn night long everytime I go to sleep I wake up barely able to breath, my heart pounding and my thoughts racing.
I want to sleep so bad... as opposed to sleeping badly.
Sleep use to be a refuse, a place I could hide from my problems and now I have not been able to stay asleep more then half an hour all night.

Wednesday night I went to see SIN CITY again with Bacchus and some of his friends, we went to the 9:35 pm show and I was so tired I could barely stay awake even though I love the movie.
I have been having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night while sleeping, I wake up in a sweat and feel panic and fear and a loneliness that tears me apart. I can not stand the silence which has never bothered me much before but now haunts me.
I spent the night at his house wednesday night so I could drive him to work in the morning and had a couple attacks in the middle of the night. He had bought the soundtrack to Sin City and I had put it on as we fell asleep, every time I woke up I would turn it back on. The hard part is I have to wear ear plugs there cause I can not handle the sound of snoring so I would wake up, take them off and use the remote to turn the music back on and listen til the snoring started again and fall asleep with the plugs in my ears again.
I have never had nightmares really and I don't know if these dreams count, I think they are more anxiety dreams, everything in them being more messed up and strange then my own life has been.
We are still not physical beyond the cuddle stage but he is still affectionate, just not as much as I want. I wonder sometimes if anyone Could be affectionate enough for me. Not just sex but attention, those small things, thinking about me when I am not there, letting me know I am important, wanting to just look at me. I wish I could find a guy who could feels for me and treat me the way I treat people I love.
I feel so empty sometimes, like I am simply this bottomless pit of need. I know this is a big part of the eating problem, and the drinking as well though I have not had a drink since the 20th even though it has been tempting, it is also where the sex and flirting thing comes from. I feel this NEED to not be empty.
I want to be full of love, my love as well as someone else's. I just want to be given as much as I give once in my life. I feel as if all I am is need and fear and no matter how I try to stay positive I feel as if it will never get better and those are the times that I think being dead would be easier.
But I guess I have a little hope, a little hope that someday I might not hurt so much or need so much and maybe even the least little glimmer of a hope that I will someday meet someone who can love me the way I am and the way I need. Mind you it is a very small hope.
I have no hope that I will ever be more then I am now with Bacchus and yeah there is a part of me that hurts for the fact that I am not the kind of person someone like him could love. I don't even really believe we will ever be sexual again and that Does hurt a lot, I know I never had his true love but at least I had his desire and when you are not use to having more that is sometimes just enough to get you through. He tells me he does not mind me flirting with him and touching him, I love stroking his back and stuff while we talk. But I end up feeling like this desperate bitch just begging for scraps of attention. It wouldn't be so if I was interested in anyone else but I'm not.
I have been trying to give him room, to not crowd him, I had not actually meant to go over there Wednesday, I was going to wait to see him on Friday when I hope he will take some pics of me for my website but I ended up going to the movie and spending the night the second time this week. I know if I was smart I would bail out, I would leave, I would start searching out guys to go out with even if it was just once each instead of blowing off the guys who do seem to like me and there are at least a couple. Of course I can't get over feeling they just want me for sex. Funny, just about every other guy in my life just wants to have sex with me and the one I want doesn't anymore.
Oh well such is life, at least my life.
I need to get done cleaning up my room for taking photos tomorrow as well as tidying the front room, I also need to pick out some outfits and have them ready as well as put my hair in foam rollers so I can have wavy hair since all my pics for a long time now have had strait hair. Ah the things I do for my website.

I realize with this depression that has been creeping in I have not been taking very good care of myself in a lot of different ways and it has gotten much worse the last few months. I realize it is hard to think positively about yourself when you let yourself go, and dont treat yourself well. I want others to treat me well so I might as well do the same.
I realize that I built up my self esteem all those years ago by "Faking it til you Make it" just like they say in AA. The thing is low self esteem is addictive and when you face something like a chemical depression or a relationship issue that unsettles you it is easy to back slide. It is just like being an alcoholic who has been dry for years and faces trauma with one drink, then one more then after a while they are back to drinking. I have fallen off the Good Self Esteem wagon. So basicly I need to do it all over again, it is scary how easy it is to loose your way and how hard it is to stop.
First off is take care of myself, treat myself well. Eat better and drink more water, dress well and take care with my apearence. Along with that is correcting myself everytime I use negative self speak. Getting out of the house even if it is only to go to the bookstore for a while as well as getting out in public and socializing more.
Some of the things I need to do to take better care of myself include taking my meds and vitimins. I am going to try to not dye my hair for a while and keep it trimmed well (my bangs need it every 3 weeks) My nails are in such bad shape it is scary, they are thin and break really badly ((hence the calcium 4 or 5 times a day)) and my cuticles are inhorrible shape. I am trying to keep them polished to keep from biting them and I am going to try this stuff called nail magic from Sally's and I just got Burts Bee Balm cuticle creme.
I plan to go through my clothing and see what I have, what I need and what I can make for summer.

My slip into true geekdom is continuing.
I have started playing Star Wars Clone Wars era Role Playing Game (RPG) with Bacchus and some of his friends in preparation for the premiere of the 3rd movie on May 19th. For more info check out the Starwars.com website they have a killer database on all info in the movies as well as the books and even many of the stuff that only shows up in the RPG books.
I have not played RPGs for about 20 years and I have to say they are a lot more fun now with a newer system and a Game master (Bacchus) who really knows what he is doing.

Lets see what does the character say about me. We are all starting at 5th level. Three of the four men who are also playing the game are Padawans, young Jedis not quite knights and the other is a force adept for who the force is part of his religion. None of them play humans.
And then there is me.
My character is a near human of unknown origins, even she does not know for sure what she is, having been found as a baby in stasis on a small damaged ship in the outer rim of the galaxy. The ship is too small to have come from far and was most likely used as an escape pod but since the computer on the ship was badly damaged they could not tell where it came from or how long it had been in space. All the ship had on it was the stasis unit with only the most basic of computers and a back up generator neither of which gave a clue to the origins or the length of time they had been in use.
My character, Geila Mauru, was raised on an independent space station around an outer rim planet. The station housed thousands of peoples of different races and many of them had formed a huge extended family and the station was run as a collective. Many of the people there were pilots (some smugglers) computer techs of one type or another, and gearheads who could build any range of things from ships to droids to the expansion of their own station. The station continued to grow and gave a place for over 100 thousand people of all species to work from and had to some extent become one of the largest independent shipping firms in the outer rim as well as a trade center.
Geila was raised by the community as other children were to some extent, she basically had dozens of mothers and fathers and simply moved at will from one to another learning a bit from all of them. When the people who first found her realized that she liked to wander they turned a R2 unit into a nanny (R2-T12-7) so that she could travel the station at will.
No one could figure out if Geila was a genetically modified human or near human or if she is an unknown species. She basically looks like a very sturdy and volumptously well built female human except for the fact that she is 6'5 and has solid black eyes without any white around them, her pupil is only noticeable because it shines like a cats if the light hits it just so. Her skin looks like old gold, dark tannish gold with a slightly metallic gloss to it while her hair is mostly pure white. Mostly because the entire right side of her body has swirling, spiraling bio-tattoos (natural marks resembling tattoos) in shades of burgundy, maroon, purple to black and where they fade into her hair there is a pale shading of the same colors in her hair. What most people don't realize is these tattoos slowly move on her body, so slowly you never see it but will occasionally notice they seem different then before. She is totally ambidextrous and strong even for her size and sees amazingly well in the dark.
She had a happy life learning how to pilot at a very early age and working on any of the ships that different members of her extended family ran so that she learned how to fly any number of ships including more then a few smuggling runs.
By the time she was in her early 20s (or at least had lived on the station for 23 years) she was flying ships by herself ships owned by the collective. A year and half before this game takes place (basically 5 months before episode 2 since the game is 1 year after) Geila (then 26) was flying a new YT2400 which had been somewhat named after her. Geila Mauru means Painted Spirit in language of the first person to find her and so the ship was named The Gilded Soul since another ship had been called The Painted Spirit the year they found her.
While out by herself with only the R2 she still calls Roo (R2 in child speak) she returned to find that the station had been destroyed and that the authorities were calling it an accident though most everyone knew it was sabotage by the Trade Federation who had been trying to muscle in on them for a long time. Of the nearly 175 thousand people who called the station home base in one way or another , many of them pilots, 115 thousand died on the station when the reactors blew. the remaining more or less scattered around the galaxy.
Geila Hates the Trade Fed, She dislikes the Republic for offering no protection to the station and for failing to sanction the Trade fed and she has no use for Jedis in general since like many people at this time she does not trust them and thinks they should have investigated the destruction of the station.
Geila acts tough and to some extent she truly is, more then willing to kill someone who threatens her or to do physical damage where she feels she must, she has turned to smuggling not just to make money but to in some small way cause trouble for the Republic and the trade fed. She carries a Death-hammer blaster, the kind commonly carried by assassins who then decorate it after each kill, when asked why she has it she simply says she saw it, she wanted it and she took it leaving the fact that she most likely would have had to kill the first owner to get it up in the air. And yet she also has a Diplomat grade stunner secured to her left leg opposite the Death-hammer. She is known for never double dealing or cheating anyone she works for or with or hurting anyone who does not attempt to hurt her or anyone she cares about. She takes a long time to get close to people but if she decides you are a friend no one is truer.
She wears tight black pants and a form fitting long sleeve black shirt both with small pockets at random on them as well as a black trackers vest made of Bantha hide that is light but strong and also covered with small pockets where she keeps a surprising variety of tools and small items well distributed. Her boots are designed with ten tiny sheaths on each side where she carries small blades made of strong metal that are brutally sharp on one end and cut as a variety of small tools on the other end, these she throws as well as uses as knives.
She is blatantly disrespectful to authority and will push most people in charge to the edge to see how far she can go. Though it is obvious she generally does not trust men, in her own way she will flirt with them, preferring only ones who offer her a challenge and seems just as happy if they resist as if they give in since she seems to see it only as added challenge.
As the game starts with her captured off of Coruscant for smuggling Spice, she is put in a holding cell and left to wait until an extraordinarily well dressed human male comes into the cell followed by two clone troopers. She sits there in bare feet and just her pants and top since everything else was taken as possible weapons and gives him attitude while he makes his proposition to her. She can either agree to take a mission or plan on spending the rest of her life on a prison colony resembling hell. He is very well spoken and refuses to tell her anything other then she must decide now and that she will go free when it is done or plan on being sent to prison. She tries to push him to see how far he will goes and asks him the sweeten the deal, she tells him she wants his very expensive belt. He tells her his belt is sacrosanct and she will have to take the deal as is or go to prison.
She accepts with no apparent upset and as he leaves she tells him "You know I WILL get that belt off you some day." He gives he a slanted look and small smile and says "I will look forward to it."
She is taken to the chamber where the Jedis and the force adapt have already accepted the mission to go to an uncharted planet in the outer rim where a mining concern is offering to go against the Trade Fed if the Republic will help stop terrorism in the planet's only large city. Geila accepts very grudgingly to take them and four Clone Commandos to the planet, wait for them and then bring them all back alive or plan on being hunted for the rest of her life by both bounty hunters and every Republican planets law enforcement.
She returns to her ship to find that it has been fueled, emptied of most of its cargo and searched, a fact that seems to make her madder then losing the Spice. One of the cargo bays has been converted into living facilities for the eight passengers since while the ship is suppose to accommodate six passengers as well as the one person needed to fly it Geila has striped the Passengers compartment and combined it with hers. As they board the ship the Jedis see that there is art everywhere, strange abstract seeming geometric lines and shapes in a wide range of colors that fade from one to the next chase each other around different surfaces seemingly at random. Even her R2 unit is covered with a fine tracing of lines and shapes that resemble a wiring schematic in different shades of dark purple and black over its white and silver body.
Geila tells the 8 of them to make themselves at home, stay out of her hair and let her put her ship and possessions back in order since the people who searched it made it very clear they had touched everything, a fact that seems to make her furious.

So I wonder what it says about me, my character not only does not fit in anywhere she is an orphan many times over. She clings to her past (her ship, her droid and her possessions) and feels the need to ornament them, make then purely hers (is there some reason this schematic theme is used over and over?)
She does not trust men of any species, but she will flirt with them but she never seems hurt by them (as opposed to me who trusts too easily and who gets hurts as well).
She is as alone as anyone can be, not only being the only one of her kind but having lost her family and then not seeing most of the scattered remains of that community as they try to survive around the galaxy. While I am not alone, having both family and friends I often feel as if I am, as if I so different no one can understand me and as if I will be alone forever.
I think I made her so tall and sturdy because I simply can not bring myself to play an average female (as if it is some kind of betrayal of who I am) she needs to be an outcast at first glace, without a doubt because that is often how I feel.
And she is a lot of things I wish I was, truly unique, tall, strong self confident and very beautiful as well as talented and skilled.

I really do think about these things way too much but I guess that is the writer in me.
I will try to remember to give you updates on the game as we go....LOL got to keep racking up those geek points.

I took Bacchus to see SIN CITY yesterday.
AMAZING FILM


We are both talking about wanting to see it again soon and it is rare I ever want to see much less pay full price to see a movie again in the same year.
Now of course I want the Graphic Novels by Frank Miller.
I am feeling a lot more comfortable now that I am on my meds, I don't have the same level of anxiety I have had about just about everything in my life recently. I feel ike with this as a stable platform I should be able to deal with a lot of the issues in my life that have been plauging me. I was able to spend time with Bacchus and not get depressed or start talking about how I feel about certain things about us, I know I have been a pest lately about dumping my feelings on him and I hope when I have a lot more control I will be a lot more fun to hang around with. I know that you can never really take back the impressions you make on people and a lot of time people can not get past the crazy behavior even after you mellow out and get your act together.
I hope my friends will like the more mellow me...LOL
Some times I feel like I am more then one person, my behaviors can be so different from time to time, manic, depressed, BPDish, and more calm and normal. Maybe for a while I can be the normal T'Rina and get my act together. I now can not figure out why I was off my meds so long, I know I was in a mostly up phase either manic or bordering on manic for the last year or so but now that I look back I see a lot of turmoil in my feelings and I hope I can get it under control. I wish I had met Bacchus while on my meds, I wish he had never seen me being crazy, being torn apart emotionally all the time and I know he fears it is because of him, it is so hard to explain to people that this is all inside of me and they are not at fault.