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Thursday, December 30, 2004

You Might be Goth if . . .  

You pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit

You paid more then that for a fancy case to hold them in

You stop using the case cause someone else has one just like it

You won't get in a fight because it might smudge your make up

You wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black lipstick on your face

In the winter you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark

In the Summer you go to bed before Dawn and wake up after dark

People can't tell whether you're searching for a missing contact or dancing

The only day people don't look at you strange is is Halloween

You don't know whether the person you're sleeping with is male or female until you're actually in bed with them

You don't care

The shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"

You were rooting for the vampires in "From Dusk Til Dawn", "Lost Boys", etc.

You compare all possible partners to them

The Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child

You watch Sesame Street as an adult just to see The Count

You wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer

You would rather not wear a coat in Winter then have it clash with your outfit

You can define 15 shades of black

You dye black clothing Blacker

You have almost gotten in a wreck because your platform boots or your drape sleeves got in the way

You own more clothing made of velvet, satin, leather and/or PVC than you have ever owned jeans

You tell a friend "I will wear the black outfit" and they say "which one?"

You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress" and they say "which one?"

You tell a friend "I will wear the long black dress with sleeves to the floor" and they say "which one?"

You wear sunglasses in the produce department at night

You wear devil horns in the produce department at night

You wear devil horns to Denny's anytime

You go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"

You know the names of the night-shift waitresses at Denny's

And they know yours

You have written poetry at Denny's

You have silverware from Denny's in your car

You consider coffee, cloves and booze the 3 food groups

You have more candles in your house then light bulbs

You have more candles in your house then a Catholic Church

You have candles in your house you took from a Catholic Church

You include trips to different graveyards on any plans you make to travel

You have had pictures taken of you in a graveyard

You have pictures of you in graveyard in every state you have ever been to

You have had sex in a graveyard

You have had sex in a graveyard in every state you have been to

You have Pictures of you having sex in every graveyard you have been to

You spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre

Your boyfriend complains that his ribs just don't stick out the way they used to

Your girlfriend complains that you look better in her black, velvet skirt than she does

You refer to others as "The Normals" or "Mundanes"

You only want to grow poisonous flowers in your garden

You think dead flowers are prettier than live ones

You think anything dead is pretty

You refer to your age in mortal years

You get offended if anyone calls you Mortal or Human

You give yourself the honorary title of Lord or Lady

You laugh at anyone who gives themselves the honorary title of Lord or Lady then buy them a drink

You know what a Malkavian is

You know what a Malkavian is because you've been there, done that and you have the t-shirt

You have been killed by a Malkavian at least once

You dressed as The Crow for Halloween one year

You have dressed as The Crow for Halloween the past few years

People asked you "why didn't you dress up fo Halloween" and you are dressed as the Crow

The club you frequent has concocted an original drink called "The Vampire's Kiss"

You buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose

You think blood is "pretty"

Your boots have more eyes then you have years

Your boots are tall enough that you would get hurt if you fell off of them

Your boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child for two years

You would live on Ramen for two years if you could just find the right pair of boots

You have worn costume fangs to a Goth club

You have worn costume fangs to Denny's

You have worn costume fangs to a family dinner

And your family did not notice the difference

You've willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery

You have more synth hair then real hair

You have hair a color that does not exist in nature

You get offended when someone in your family tells you that you are looking healthy these days

You own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.'s

You own even 1 Projekt c.d.

You are always trying to find bands your friends have not heard of yet

When someone else "discovers" your favorite band, you find another favorite band

You are always trying to find clothes your friends don't have yet

You get rid of clothes when your friends start wearing the same thing

Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

Jehovah's Witnesses accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

You accost Christians with pamphlets on the street

Satanists just look at you and smile

You look at them and Laugh

Friday the Thirteenth is your lucky day

You can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier

But you look to both for fashion advice

You decide Wednesday blows them both away

You could spend $500 on just make up

You could easily blow $500 in a Halloween store

You wish the Halloween store was open all year

Instead of after Christmas shopping you do after Halloween shopping

You buy gifts for your friends in the Halloween store

You were disappointed to find out that "American
Gothic" is a portrait of two farmers

You know lines from "American Psycho" by heart

You have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times

You can quote lines from it by heart

You own at least 3 items wiht "jack" on them

You own every movie Tim Burton has ever made

You try to find household items in black

You use black cotton balls

You have painted your fingernails black

You have painted your fingernails black with a marker and not even noticed you were doing it

You claim the Chupacabra is a friend/relative of yours

You claim the Chupacabra is a pet of yours

You claim that YOU are the Chupacabra

You own a hearse

You own a hearse and don't work in a funeral parlor

You keep a coffin in the back as "decoration"

You keep a coffin in the back as a bed

You think of the hearse as the "family car"

You think heresy is a religion

You claim heresy as YOUR religion

You own a rosary that you wear

Upside down

You wouldn't touch a cross with a six foot pole

You own a glow-in-the-dark rosary that hangs from the rearview mirror in your car

You fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000 years

You have argued on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic view on vampires

You have actually refused to talk to someone after this debate

You wish to name your first born Lestat

You plan to name your first born after ANY Anne Rice character

You didn't know they were character names

You decorate your Christmas Tree with Bats and black ribbon.

You wear a mourning veil to your best friends wedding.

So did she

All her bride maids wore black.

So did she

You don't take anti-depressants cause they might ruin the mood

You have a purse that is small and black and only hold your lipstick and eyeliner and enough money for drinks

Your purse is large, square and metal

The purse has scratches from being used in a fight

It has scratches from being kicked on the dance floor

This is the reason it was scratched in a fight

You think bats are "cute"

Your family has finally started to buy you goth gifts

You mom calls to tell you she saw the cutest little spider pin at the store and she thought of you

You've been with your significant other for over a year and still wonder what they look like without make up

You and your boyfriend fight over make up

You decide to get matching his/hers make up caddies to separate your make up

You smudge your lipstick on purpose to look like Robert Smith

You eat those limited edition pop-tarts just because they have bats on them

You save them because Hey!...they're limited edition

You call them goth-tarts

You know what Renfield's Disease is

You have Renfield's Disease

You have taken anything on this list personally

You were offended

You laughed cause it reminds you of your friends



# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 2:26 AM

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Bill Day 


Bill Day's Page on


I will be highlighting a different editorial cartoonist as they catch my attention

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 5:52 PM

Monday, December 27, 2004

A few Questions about New Years Eve 

Ginger asked these questions on a mailing list so I thought I would share them here

What's the best new years resolution you ever made?
To simply be happy, to learn to accept myself the way I am And I pretty much have.

What's the worst new years resolution you ever made??
to loose 100 pounds in a year... that is about 2 pounds a week, and of course I failed and spent a long time thinking I was a horrible person for being a failure. Mind you in the process I spent a month living off of air popped pop-corn and 7 calory broth... then there was the celery and grapefruit diet for 6 weeks and then there was bulimia... that lost me 35 pounds, and the enamel off of my teeth. The fact that I was 16 at the time and that I so messed up my system I gained a lot more the next year was something people did not talk about back then.

What's the best way you ever rang in the new year?

When I was a teen we use to have these amazing parties at my Dads old house on warm springs but it seems as an adult something always screws up, I am either sick, 2000 miles from my bf or at loose ends. I have spent way too many NYEs alone at home or even asleep due to Seasonal Affective Disorder.
BUT there was this one time that while it was not the funnest NYE it was a serious eye opener.
I have not always had self confidence, I could usually fake it pretty well but in the old days I was filled with self loathing. In my mid 20s i started to realize I had to change things or die.
My friend Lee Arnold invited me to go to this big downtown celebration here in Boise, you bought these badges and got into a cartoon festival at the Flicks, a party or two and some other things. It was actually a really warm night for this time of year so I was wearing a long skirt and a comfy sweater.
I was having an OK but not brilliant time and I was walking on Main street downtown and laughing with my friend and his friends.
This HUGE limo drives by and this beautiful young woman in an wonderful evening gown is standing up through the moon roof sipping champagne with this great looking guy in a tux. I thought wow that would be so fun. She is soooo lucky. Things like that don't happen people like me.
And right then she literally screams "YOU FAT PIG" at me.
I was shocked, my friends were shocked and embarrassed for me. I stood there stunned as the limo drove away and people on the street stared at me.
In the old days I would have allowed it to ruin my night, my month, even my year, Mind you we are talking the year or even months before.
But you know when you are a kid and your folks tell you that people say mean things cause they don't like something in themselves? That they have to make themselves feel better by treating you badly and they may not even realize that is why they do it?
Well I believe it was true.
I stood there and thought, Wow that girl is in a limo on New Years Eve, with a hot man, she looks like a model and something in her is missing, something is wrong enough with her she has to be hateful to a stranger on the street to make her feel better on what should be an amazing night for her.
How sad... for her.
I finally realized that the problem wasn't me, I didn't MAKE people treat me badly, something lacking in them did that. And that I had the total choice to let it ruin my time or not.
I honestly consider that the true start of my transformation from fat chick to Big Beautiful woman.

What's the worst way you ever rang in the new year?
my worst was new years 1999-into 2000. I went to visit my friends in Seattle for 2 weeks and after a week my asthma turned into Bronchitis so bad I was unable to do anything.
That was the same year they closed down the Space Needle out of fear of terrorism. Everyone was waiting for the Y2K bug to hit.
I told my friend Keith to go out and have fun since the people i had been staying with had dumped me at his place.
I sat on his couch and got sick on chicken gumbo soup ((still can not eat it)) and had to lean against about 7 pillows cause I could not lay down since I tended to choke. So I sat there in his little studio while all my BBW friends had a huge party (the reason I had come to Seattle) and all my gay friends marched down Capital Hill.
At 6 AM I called up Southwest airlines and figured out I would have to pay another $50 to get a seat home at 8 am ((mind you I had only paid $120 round trip. I called up my BBW friends ex bf ((the one she would not let me stay at her house alone with since she was still jealous of him even though I was sick and she was dating another man)) and had him drive me to Seatac just in time to catch a plane home.
I got to Boise as a raging storm hit and my grandma had to take me to the hospital where they told me I now had pneumonia. I then spent the next 3 months suffering from lung problems and they have never really recovered.

What's your resolution for this year?
I have a handful of things I want to do this years but I don't see them as Resolutions.
There are a few goals I want to try to acheive but I am making them on a week to week basis, I am trying to challenge myself to do things... but not freaking out if I don't do them as well as I want

How long do you actually think it'll last?
Hopefully at least a week...LOL nice thing about this is everyweek I can start with a new one.

How have you always wanted to celebrate new years?
Humm I would like to go to a party or bar with a ton of great friends knowing I look my best and in a great mood. Then meet a nice guy and flirt outrageously for hours, the kind where you know the person is totally into you. Then kiss him at midnight and stop kissing him around dawn. On the 2nd.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 4:36 PM

Doing Industria 

My sleep schedule is screwed up totally again. I went to bed at 10:30 am yesterday and woke up at 9:20 PM. I laid there for a few moments and thought about wether I wanted to get up and go to Industria (goth night at the Balcony) or not.
Of course I got my ass out of bed and into a long black empire dress I had revamped to fit better by putting a slit int the front and sewing in a dark red panne velvet panel. My hair needed a wash but I didn't have time so I pulled a bunch of it up and put my red falls in it.
This is what they look like.
I grabbed my make up and headed down to the van and put it on by the map light while the van warmed up. I did my finger nails Diamond shine red at the stop lights from my house to the bar.
I got there before 10 PM but the place was a bit dead and more to the point it was full of people I did not know, they were either regulars who come on friday and saturday or they had read the article and were checking it out.
I went up to the sky box attached to the DJ booth and said hi to Ryan and tried to read a little. I ended up dropping my wallet to Genesis so he could buy me my regular, a Pepsi with lime ((I am such a party animal)) The sweetie brought it up to me and I sat there trying to read but gave up after 15 mins because the book was just not exciting enough. I had brought the fixings for a blue set of falls and I unwound them then had to go in search of a knife. Nice thing about my friends it is easy to find a knife when you need it.
Brandy showed up a bit late and we waited for her new BF while I worked on the blue falls. She seems a bit weird around me about her BF and later made a comment about me wanting what was her. I had to keep myself from both laughing at her and saying something mean. I honestly have no interest in her BF, I just want her to act normal around both of us.
I hope this relationship of hers does not change my relationship With her. I honestly care about her but I can not let myself start to feel hurt when she says or does stuff that gets to me. I guess I need to take a little time off. I will give her some space this week and probably see her New Years Eve. It is too easy to let things build up, little things that probably don't mean anything become big things that get in the way. I don't want to loose her as a friend but it is so easy this time of year when I am feeling kind of moody to over react.
Anyway I finished the blue falls and had both of them in my hair from a top knot so I had this huge mound of Maroon and Blue locks on my head. I think they look great and can't wait to make them out of other colors. I really want to get DARK GREEN and make some with thick braids to resemble snakes, I may even work some small glass beads on the end for eyes.
I danced a little, my knee is still bothering me so I end up dancing with one foot cocked to keep my left knee bent... thankfully you can get away with that to Graver music (Goth Raver Music)
After a little while Dusty ((the guy I fooled around with a few weeks ago)) came over and said hi. He told me he had come by that night just hoping to catch me there and that he had checked the club out on other nights hoping I was there. I am not how sure I believe him but I am willing to let my ego be stroked. I joked with a friend that Dusty looks enough like Agent Mulder at 24 to justify my actions.
He sat with me and hugged me and said "see I told you I would never ignore you here." I thought it was sweet he remembered me telling him it was an issue with me.
He mentioned he had a friend from out of town sleeping on his couch and that he was exhausted having been up for over 24 hours. He went and talked to his friends and after that I walked by him and stroked his back and he gave me a quick hug and as I walked away I heard him say that is the girl I told you about. Later he told me he had to leave cause he was falling asleep but he wanted me to come home with him.
I told him he was too tired and I would end up keeping him up all night. He told me we could cuddle and then I woudl be there in the morning. I pointed out to him I had only been awake a few hours so why didn't he call me in the morning or whenever he had time. I gave him my number, I honestly don't know if he will call. I like him but I refuse to let myself worry about it. A few more kisses and I sent him on his way.
I wandered around doing my social butterfly routine and after a while I had to go out into the bitter cold to get a breath of more or less fresh air.
I was standing on the balcony that covers two sides of the bar looking at some of the great Art Deco buildings downtown when I was joined by this guy who I had said hi to while talking with a friend. He stood next to me and we talked about the buildings and how nice Boise's Downtown is. We talked about other cities and then sat there and talked about a lot of stuff. I got this vibe that he liked me but I was not sure. But every time I would go inside and then come back out he would join me again.
The funny part was when this drunk girl was falling all over the place going on about how she was so fat, mind you she probably weighed as much as my left leg. I finally went over and moved her honestly tiny friend and had a guy pull her up from behind as I pulled on her hands. I told her "No I am fat, you are average."
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder and said "But you have these great boobs." which she proceeded to grab... and grab some more. Her friend kept trying to get her hands off my tits as she kept grabbing for them and telling me how great they are. SIGH why does it seem only gay guys and strait chicks want to grab my tits some nights???
They finally peeled her off of me and a bunch of us sat out there some more and laughed about it.
I came back out later and he joined me again, this time wearing a coat, when I mentioned I was getting cold he said well you can have my coat. I got up and stood next to him and said I would just steal his warmth but he insisted I let him put his coat over my shoulders. He didn't hand me the coat like most guys do, he actually came around behind me and very nicely put it on me. I should have turned around and given him a kiss on the cheek but even I feel a little shy sometimes. We talked some more and i stood next to him rubbing his neck with one hand.
I asked if he minded and he told me he loved being touched. I restrained myself from making too sexy a comment as is my want. I think I sometimes scare guys away doing that, who knows maybe that is why I do it. I know people think I always flirt blatantly, or that I either always know if a guy is or is not attracted to me and to be honest I usually do. What gets me is when I dont get a clear vibe, when it seems like a guy likes me but I am not sure. Sometimes that makes me act less wild, makes me want to take time. Alot of times I am wrong, they are just nice guys, if I am lucky they actually see something in me and it is worth getting to know them.
So in the end I got a hug, a smooch on the cheek and a "Hope to see you next week hon." from him and off to Denny's I went with Erin and Adam. We met Brandy there ((that is where she made the comment when I joked about kissing her BF forehead to smear him with lipstick... something that she wiped off right away saying MINE MINE MINE, mind you at the party on last saturday she marked EVERYONE with lip stick... including my entire face.))
Hatter, Ginger and Miia joined us but none of us stayed very late since I had to get Erin and Adam back to her car.
I haven't been to sleep since then which is why this is so rambling. I did go to an appointment this morning then out to breakfast with grandma and to the bookstore.


# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:47 PM

Article on Blogging in the times 

I thought this was a good Article. With it being the most searched word and beign in the 2004 Almanac you think I would not get so many people asking me on line what a blog is.
Times Article
In fact I think I am goign to have to do that friday cat thing...LOL

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:33 PM

Web site revamp 

I have redone a few pages on my site.
I redid the front page and put this great black and white photo of me up. I did a firey name logo for the top of the page and redid all the buttons in deeper richer tones against a black background.

I have also redone the photo list page doing a new background for it, using another of my ex BF steves drawings of me on a dark purple background and a new logo.
I redid the Erotica page, making the banner I had made by PSing a photo into a border background instead.
I redid the guest map page that somehow was all messed up and I have made a bunch of new buttons for the base of the Gallery pages.
http://www.msxxl.com

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:23 PM

Friday, December 24, 2004

Happy Gothmas 


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our house

was blasting the "St. Vitus Dance" by Bauhaus;

Torn fishnets were draped on my forearms with care,

And two cans of Aquanet applied to my hair;

My thoughts were of graveyards, and horror and dread,

Black visions of pain and despair in my head;

And Bianca, whose face was as pale as the moon,

Had thrown up her arm for this evening's swoon,

When out by the gravestones there came such a clatter,

I sprang from the coffin to find out the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a ghost,

Expecting to find a dark devilish host.

The moon on the breast of the uncaring snow

Threw ominous shadows on objects below,

When, before my tormented eyes did traverse,

But a gorgeous black Crane & Breed carved-panel hearse,

With a gaunt, shrouded driver, who filled me with fear,

And eight skeletal creatures that might have been deer.

More rapid than vultures his coursers they came,

And his deep Andrew Eldritch voice called them by name;

Now, Murphy! Now, Morgoth! Now, Torment and Woe!

On, Dreadful! On, Lovecraft! Mephisto and Poe!

To the top of the gravestones where fog wisps its breath!

With a weight on my soul I consign you to death!

As dead leaves that before hellish hurricanes fly,

When they flutter like giant bats' wings to the sky,

So up to the crypt-top the coursers they leapt,

While dearest Bianca, like death, still but slept.

And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof

The clicking and scratching of each bone-white hoof.

As I drew in my arm, and was whirling around,

Down the ebony chimney he came without sound.

He was clad all in black, and he looked oh-so-goth,

A billowy ensemble of crushed velvet cloth;

His boots were knee-high, quite buckled and zipped,

And the Spandex and fishnets 'round his legs were ripped.

His eyes glowed with bluish fire, deathly and cold,

A black eye-liner'd face neither youthful nor old.

A broad lipless mouth drawn with torment and hurt,

And his sorrowful face was as white as my shirt.

A smoldering cigarette tight in his grasp,

Its smoke curling eerily 'round his cloak clasp;

His gaunt frame was topped with long ebon hair,

And a sharp scent of brimstone and cloves choked the air.

His arms were outspread in the shape of a cross,

And I quailed when I saw him, feeling sorrow and loss;

He narrowed his eyes with a twist of his head,

And I felt the full weight of his angst and dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,

Left some Dead Can Dance CD's; before I could ask,

A single tear fell across his aquiline nose,

And then, like an angel, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his hearse, to his team he then hissed,

And away they all drifted like early dawn's mist.

But I heard him intone, ere he vanished from sight,

"Gothic Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!"

((Someone sent this to me I thought you might enjoy it))


# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 9:07 PM

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Depression Creeping In... 

You hear people say that , depression creeping in, and it is true, that is what it is like. Creeping, Sneaking, Sly.
You think it is gone, you know it can't be but you think wow maybe it is in remission ,like cancer. Maybe I have learned to deal with it, maybe it will never be really bad again. Maybe I can get through my life without it eating me up inside, tearing me down, bricking me up.
Then it sneaks up on you bit by bit, creeps in under your personal radar and starts nibbeling at your soul, at your confidence, at your joy, like rats in an old mattress. Eating it and poluting it from the inside out. It bricks you in, making you want to hide away so you don't taint others with the dark crud that is inside of you. It creeps up on you and suddenly you realize no amount of chocolate, no amounts of hugs, no amount of sunlight is going to make it go away easily.
Then there is the fear, that it wont go away this time, that I will loose everything all over again. I just keep telling myself I have survived it before, that I will come out the other end of it all right. I also have that part of my brain that is still whole and not dark telling me that i am being dramatic but it does not feel like drama, it feels like pain, it feels like drownding.
I know it is chemical, I know the confidence, the joy, the soul I had before is still there. I just don't seem to know how to get them back fast enough to keep from feeling tainted by my depression. I know I have to fight through it I just don't seem to have the energy to do it right now.

All the other issues I have in my life, being broke, the holidays, my family, my friends, my house, they are all tainted in my veiw by this and I have to get out of it or risk loosing so much of what I have fought for.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 6:11 PM

All I want for christmas 

All I want for Christmas is to get my act together...
I want to get my house fixed up, cleaned up, organized.
I want to get my house decorated the way I want it.
I want to get my moods under control.
I want to get my health in better shape.
I want to feel better about myself and more comfortable with others.
I want to be happy.

So I guess since I don't think Santa is coming down my chimney (or bathroom vent as the case may be)) to bring me these things I guess they are as close to a New Years Resolution as I am going to get.

So some ideas on them will follow.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 2:06 AM

this week 

Has been up and down all over hell and breakfast.
I could go into deep details but I am not in the mood.
Basically my main drive crashed and I lost all my bookmarks and a bunch of work, now I am going to have to start saving everything on my other drive since the main drive is the one I have to reformat so often.
Friday night was my friend's Erin's graduation party and we all met first at Mulligan's and then a group of us came over to my house. I gave them the long directions..LOL and Genesis, BrandyA and I rushed back here and did a quick clean up of the front room. About 10 people hung out in my front room and we drank some beer and munched on chips, talked and listened to music, over all it was actually a lot of fun. Someone I have had a bit of a crush on was there but I realize how stupid it is to have a crush on someone who has no interest in you and my general sense of self preservation is kicking in so I am making myself not care. All it takes is some internal dialog, some mental rewriting and the willingness to take everything he says in a bad way...LOL. Every time I find myself being attracted to him I mentally slap myself out of it... hell if it gets desperate I guess I could physically slap some sense into myself. I hate being weak, I hate wanting what I can not have, or being attracted to people beyond the most basic attraction, beyond the him nice eyes or good smile level. It makes you weak, makes you venerable. Even when I am sexually attracted to a guy it is usually pretty controlled. It has been a long time since I have been so attracted to a guy I could not get him off my mind even if I was Buddies or more with him.
Maybe I AM shallow... but shallow bays tend to be protected teh best.

Saturday night Brandy and I went to a Birthday party in the next town over. I had way too much to drink because I was playing drinking games with this half shot glasses but then I realized I had many many of them so we could not leave until about 7 AM. We ended coming over to my house with this guy she is now dating ((as of Sunday night)) and we all piled onto my bed and slept. Mind you I only have a queen size bed and I am the Queen who fits it. so adding 2 other people to the mix was not a comfy sleep. I ended up falling off the bed and hurting me knee. We woke up that afternoon and brandy and I were laying there talking over him and joking around but after a while the feeling of third-wheelism got so strong I got up ((yes out of my OWN bed)) and went and took a very very long shower so they could lay there and talk. At least for my peace of mind we will just have to believe that is all they did. I can tell she is damn serious about him and there goes my late night coffee partner into a relationship.... oh well insta-boyfriend-syndrom strikes again. Seems like all my friends do this.
I don't know if I want to have a BF so much as I would really like to have at least one guy who WANTS to be my BF....LOL.
Oh well I don't see that happening any time soon so I am trying to get past it.
Like I said I may be shallow but it is safe.
My motto these day is
LOVE may be DEEP and Meaningful but for LUST to be Meaningful it only needs to be at LEAST 6 inches deep.


I have felt depression slipping in on me and it got bad this last couple of days. Worse then Depression I fear I am rapid cycling and that is when I tend to get hurt by the way I behave. I can handle depression, I can handle mania, but the up and down, back and forth, often in the same day is a killer.
I hate having to take meds, I want to avoid it as long as I can bit if I hit rock bottom or keep bouncing like a yo-yo I will have to go back on them.
I know the Asthma is part of it, when I am sick for any length of time it tends to knock me out emotionally.

I finally got my computer up but I have lost all my book marks, all my saved stuff that I had not backed up yet. quite a bit of stuff and then of course I now have to put tons of programs back on the computer. I am going to instal a lot of them in the secondary drive since it is the first one I have to reformat. I had to wait a few days to get my formatting disks back from my brother who used them to fix a cab problem on his computer.


Tonight Genesis and I went to a YULE party at some friends house, it was good to get out and probably helped me a lot with my moods. Sadly he had to get back home so he can work in the morning, I am hoping he can find his own place soon though I do like having him here.

I don't want to be depressed, I don't like how bitter it makes me. I may only half believe it and I may only do that when I am in a bitchy bitter mood but well the only thing most guys find less attractive then a fat chick is a bitter fat chick.

Weather 23*f
Listening to : The Doors only station on Spinner.com and Blues Women

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:11 AM

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Top ten reasons I am not a Satan Worshiper 

People who hear I am Goth or see me in my black gear often ask me if I am a Satan Worshiper... I can never quite figure out why they think this but here are the top ten reasons I don't worship Satan

10. Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9. Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone and sulfur is a bitch to get out of Velvet.
8. Hard to keep the flaming goat skulls lit, cheap ass dollar store candles just don't cut it.
7. Decreased availability of blonde virgins, Finding them is hard enough, but keeping them virgins til sabath is pretty much impossible.
6. Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet and I have a $300 deposit.
5. Wailing of the damned souls in Hell keeps the neighbors awake and I just can't convince them it was sex.
4. The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3. Repeated stooping motions for administering the "Kiss of Shame" creases my floor lenght skirt.
2. Demons smell even worse than brimstone and they are not housebroken.
And the number one reason...
1. Impossible to worship something you don't even believe in.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:12 AM

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Birthday picture 

This is a pic of me at my Birthday party at a local Mexican place. We had about 30 people in and out of there, all dressed to one extent or another in goth gear.



# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 6:03 PM

Saturday, December 11, 2004

Boise Weekly article 

The Boise weekly finally updated their site so we were able to get a copy of the article about the local goth scene. (my portion of the interview is highlighted))

Blood Rites, Brocade and Bauhaus

If you’ve ever read an authentic Gothic romance, then you understand the interplay of virginal innocence, infinite sorrow and darkness is as seductive as it is sinister. The language is inflated by modern standards, but stylized tales of pale, shuddering damsels trapped in the menacing architecture of abandoned castles and formulaic plots had 19th century literati spellbound. From this obscure fictional mold and the collapse of Great Britain’s late seventies punk scene sprang a distinct subcultural incarnation—Goth. Like punk, the Gothic label has come to mean many things, and outsiders are left to decide whether black clothes and make-up are elements of style or identity woven with the music, mysticism, rituals, occult studies and practiced melancholy that remain icons of Gothic culture.

The exact genesis of the Goth subset is as uncertain as its form, but it is widely believed that the 1979 Bauhaus release “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” triggered the musical and pop-cultural shift from hardcore punk to the introspective morbidity of bands like Siouxsie and the Banshees and The Damned. This first generation of Goth icons were not labeled as such until many years later, but they introduced an untried musical perversion that wove dark, even macabre poetry with disturbing imagery and a sound layered with pounding bass and dissonant melodies. The routinely disenchanted, youthful masses were primed for just such a sound, and the movement exploded in the early 1980s in a flurry of black hair, red lipstick and vinyl.
Like many other decade-oriented, cultural mutations, Goth faded almost as quickly as it appeared. But lost momentum was due more to lack of definition than substance, and a new wave of self-declared Goth bands paved the way for an international resurgence. Rosetta Stone, The Shroud and London After Midnight were among them, and they all pushed the boundaries of what it meant to be Goth. By the mid-to-late ’90s, Goth culture had filtered into something of its own mainstream, and dark aesthetics and supernatural inklings became more and more associated with the mood of the music. This was due in part to artists like Marilyn Manson, a figure whom most “real” Goths dismiss as the masthead of rebellious teenagers going through a phase, but his notoriety invited the world to take a closer look at dark subculture as it morphed from repressed fascination to full-blown lifestyle.
Despite Boise’s decidedly white- bread majority, the population bristles with rebellious, tight-knit minority groups, including a healthy community of Goths. Two years ago, that was not the case. While working on another story about the local club scene, I was introduced to Raine Saunders, a “full-time” Goth who was one of only a handful at the time. Before our meeting, I had already constructed her from the powdered skin down to the distaste for anything happy and pastel. My only experience with Gothic culture up to that point came from Saturday Night Live skits and interaction with experimental Goths in high school, and I assumed Raine would be aloof and disgusted by my “normality.” Much to my surprise, she and her friends were immediately warm and enthusiastically transformed me into one of their own. Their bustles and corsets were made of materials that looked almost liquid—vinyl, velvet, satin, silk, lace and even PVC—in a spectrum of black, gray, white, red, purple and silver. Their hair was functional art that crowned a visually explosive mixture of turn-of-the-century elegance and modern erotica. Watching them prepare for an evening of revelry, I realized the effort that goes into the Goth aesthetic. And after hours of dancing and talking with such lively, genuine women, I realized how much unfair judgment they endure in a society that preaches understanding, however hollowly.
Since then, I have harbored a growing curiosity about Gothic culture, especially in a state as conservative as Idaho. And when a copy of Gothic Beauty magazine landed on my desk, the still shots of frowning models inspired me to track down the women who had bucked such stereotypical “gothness.”
Gracious as ever, Raine agreed to be Virgil to my Dante in the deliciously dark landscape of the expanding local Goth scene. We agreed to meet early on Sunday and make our way to The Balcony around 11 p.m. I was surprised that Industria, or “Goth Night,” was still happening, but Raine assured me that the crowd had multiplied by the dozens since I last donned a satin cloak and stilettos. She has been one of the most active members of the Goth community, bringing national bands The Cruxshadows and Black Cape for a Blue Girl to Boise this summer. Turnout was low, but Raine was encouraged by the 60-plus crowds and the promise of greater things to come. She invited me into her home in the North End, a tidy space filled with dark wood, heavy drapes and piles of plastic toys. Raine and her husband have a 4-year-old son, another fact that somehow surprised me. I just couldn’t imagine a Gothic family, and even though Raine is the only member who looks the part, it alerted me to the fact that stereotypes run deep, even amongst those who consider themselves open-minded and progressive.
“Dark culture, vampire stuff—that’s what people immediately think of. There are people who call themselves blood drinkers or vampires who might sleep in a coffin or donate blood for rituals or drinking, and then there are people who just like to dress that way. No matter who you are, you make assumptions,” Raine said. “There is so much more to me than this, but I really identify with it. It makes me feel more like myself than anything else.”
Raine offered up her closet as a solution to my jeans-corduroy combo. Almost everything was black with a few lines of red and silver, a far cry from the Polaroid she showed me of a girl with a perm and a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. And the shoes—knee-high leather boots laced all the way up, platform sandals and even saddle shoes, all very shiny, very black and very steep. With Raine’s help, I chose a clingy Betsy Johnson dress, a handmade necklace of beads with an antique looking crucifix and those terrifying boots (which turned out to be supremely comfortable). She decided on a tulle skirt, a black peasant blouse and the kind of corset you only see in vampire movies. It was molded to fit the body, painted with metallic flames and laced with thick ribbon.
“I’m still making payments on it,” Raine chuckled.
Then it was off to the abode of a delightful woman named Analisa, a registered nurse, mother of two, Webmaster and dead ringer for Kathy Najimy. She has what you might call a nuclear family, but her daughters play with pierced, raven-haired dolls, and her Yale-educated, psychologist husband is perfectly comfortable in chinos and a turtleneck while standing next to his wife in full Gothic regalia. Her living room was full of people dressed to the nines, and no two looked alike. She wore a floor-sweeping gown with black platforms, and her matching dreadlocks were swept up and back, adding even more height to her already towering frame and long, pale face. Corsets and candles were everywhere, but the guests sat talking and sipping red wine like anyone at a cocktail party. Analisa’s daughters bounded through the house saying hello to familiar faces and politely greeting my unfamiliar one. There were elements of Goth in their appearance, but they were happy, personable and seemingly well adjusted—just kids being kids.
Raine led me into Analisa’s bedroom where I could comfortably transform. Ceiling-high shelving bowed under an impressive collection of vintage and new action figures ranging from Star Wars to Hellraiser. Most of them were from the horror genre, and I wondered how Analisa could be so sweet and so into gore.
“I saw a lot of scary stuff,” she said, explaining that her work as a ride-along ER nurse and film tech in Hollywood numbed her to horrific visuals and spawned something of a fascination. She is not obsessed with horror; she simply appreciates its cinematic artistry, and if we all get really honest with ourselves, there is a part of every human psyche that is just as fascinated; most of us are just too scared to admit or explore it.
When Raine and I were alone, I slipped on her stretchy frock and the intimidating boots. Then came makeup. A tan, voluptuous woman named Debbie sat down in front of me. Her layered, reddish hair fell about her bare shoulders, and I couldn’t help but compliment the glorious decolletage that peeked from her cinched, pink satin bustier. Black eyeliner curled away from her lids in an Egyptian flourish, and her red lips came to dramatic peaks below her powdered nose.
“You have great eyes,” she said, promising to make me look like a “gothier” version of myself. As she shadowed my eyes, touched up my mascara and muted my skin, Debbie talked about her upcoming trip to Hawaii.
“Aren’t you already a little tan for a Goth?” I asked.
“I’m just Debbie,” she said. I suddenly understood—the definition of Goth depends on the individual. It’s a choice, a lark, an impulse—an aspect of self _expression that is different for everyone and as arbitrary as jeans and a cardigan. And while some Goths follow a strict code of etiquette and aesthetics, these particular Goths are all about being who they really are. “Beautiful,” Debbie said leaning back to inspect her work. She had kept her promise. I looked different, but even with smoky eyes, white skin and severe lipstick, I looked like me.
The Balcony was like a killer Halloween party that night. Just as Raine predicted, many were vamp, some wore street clothes, some the spikes and leather of “rivetheads,” or Gothic punks and others a confused mixture of Edwardian robes and club kid kitsch. What only a few years ago had been a struggling theme night was now a thriving social scene. Everywhere we turned, someone else was hugging hello and catching up on the latest news. It seemed strange. I always thought Goth parties were somber affairs, but the joint was definitely jumping. I ran into Raine’s friends T’Rina and Brandy in the bathroom, and they addressed the stereotype with vigor.
“Everyone thinks we’re depressed all the time, and some Goths try to look that way,” Brandy said. She explained that big city Goths tend to be cliquey and exclusive and that having a good time is frowned upon. “It’s so extreme. Everyone spends so much money on clothes. They never smile and it’s really dramatic,” she said. “A ‘cool’ Goth has no emotion, but after moving here, I realized I could have a good time. My friends put life in me,” she said. Brandy has battled real depression for many years, and dressing in black began as a way to express her inner turmoil. “The Goth thing became part of me, and it helps. I couldn’t see myself being any other way, and my friends here accept me no matter what,” she said. T’Rina, one of the funniest, most unapologetic people I’ve ever met, burst in and said, “Built the way I am, people are going to look at me anyway, they might as well look at me on my terms.”
Thirty-five-year-old T’Rina is not a small woman, but her opulent curves are draped in the rich fabric of handmade gowns, her delicate features enhanced by noticeable but not overly dramatic makeup. She sees herself as the fun-loving aunt of Boise’s young Goth set, and above all, she keeps a sense of humor about being judged not only for her size, but also for her clothing, taste in music and penchant for midnight knitting at Denny’s.
“Goths never die, we just dress that way,” she laughed, adding that she’s losing weight on the Goth diet (i.e. mass amounts of caffeine with just enough beer to get sick the next morning and clove cigarettes to kill appetite). She got involved in the local Goth scene in the early 1990s, and discrimination now is the same as it was then. “People have told me they don’t want me around because I don’t fit in, but these people tell me I’m beautiful and wonderful. They don’t care how I look or what size I am, because who you are is how you treat people,” she said. “I like snakes and spiders and dark stuff—not because I’m depressed, because it makes me happy, just like other people like pink flowers and puppies.”
So-called “first-generation” Goths like T’Rina have a tendency to doubt the intentions of younger followers. They believe teenage angst is the main motivator and that such fire burns too hot and fast to contribute anything lasting to the continuance or enjoyment of the lifestyle. This is often true, but some Goths insist that they are born Goth, a predisposition as viable as sexuality. Silverwitch, the affectionately titled “old codger” of Raine’s raucous group, could be considered one of these natural-born Goths. At 45, he has been involved in the scene for almost two decades, but unlike his 20-something friends, his look is subtle—except for the foot-long knife he keeps in the pocket of his leather jacket.
“I sell knives and swords and other sharp, pointy items. I just like scaring people,” Silverwitch said, chuckling and letting the light play down the length of his glossy blade. Of the dozen or so Goths crowded around two tiny tables, he immediately established himself as the “peanut gallery,” a playful, almost paternal character with a denigrating sense of humor undercut with love and respect for his “family.” “I’m a walking contradiction—non-conventional, yet I do languish in conventionality. I like to bowl and play pool and watch Shrek,” he said. “You find that with almost everybody here. We don’t let ourselves be defined into one narrow way of thinking. I’m probably the oldest person here, but these people support and respect me. They’re my family.” In addition to selling decorative cutlery online and at Goth events like Goddess Fest, Silverwitch is an ordained Christian minister and a heterosexual advocate for gay rights. “My spirituality is eclectic, I don’t focus on any particular path. I’ve studied many religious beliefs and dogmas and pieced together in my own mind what makes people believe what they do,” he said, adding that the color black is significant to Goth spirituality in its inclusion of every color in the spectrum. “It’s not a morbid fascination with things that are dark. For me it’s natural; and I’m colorblind, so wearing black makes it easy to coordinate.”
For Ginger, darkness is part of the fun of Gothic life and the essence of its psychology. The slender, porcelain-skinned redhead spoke wryly and thoughtfully, revealing pronounced, extra-sharp incisors every time she smiled. I could tell she was suspicious.
“Is this about making fun of us, or what?” she asked. I assured her that I was genuinely interested in the lifestyle, and though her eyes stayed slanted the whole time, she shared a little of her past. As a girl, Ginger dressed mostly in black, “like Emily the Strange, only with red hair,” she said. At 14, she started going to underground Dark Wave Raves and hanging out at Dreamwalker with a group of skaterpunks. Her interest in industrial music grew, and with that an interest in the occult.
“I was told you’re a vampire,” I said, trying not to sound surprised. Fingering the sequins on her gauzy shirt, Ginger answered in the tone of someone explaining for the millionth time. “For me it’s a lifestyle—bondage, ceremony, vampire stuff,” she said. “And the teeth are real.” The “vampire stuff” is mostly ritualistic bloodletting and blood drinking that never involves force. It is a willful sharing of heat and passion, a give and take of life force that Ginger calls a “sensual thing.” Within the Gothic heading, blood rites fall into four categories: vampiric imitation, curiosity and experimentation, erotic experience and the extremes of schizophrenics, religious cultists and fanatics. Ginger borrows only from the first three categories, and even in that, she is not unbalanced or even that unusual. Most people have unspoken fetishes and fantasies, hers are just out in the open. And like most people, she enjoys being part of a group that accepts her for who she is. “I love the clothes. You get to dress up and be beautiful like everyday is a masquerade, and I love the music … and I really love that people who come toward this community tend to be intelligent and well- read and think about what they want out of life,” she said.
One such person is Ginger’s friend Raziel, a lifelong Goth who still dresses “normal” for family functions and describes the Goth spectrum as “creatively influenced musicians, poets and artists who are emotionally tuned-in and drawn to death.”
“We celebrate death like life. It’s part of the cycle, the yin and yang,” he said. A true intellectual, Raziel cited several academic works on Gothic life as well as classical literature, saying that it aligns with the dark part of the soul. “Your family may not understand, but exploring darkness is important in the life process. Then there’s social conditioning; we see it for what it is—the cookie cutter 2.5 children, SUV, white picket fence—and rebel against it,” he said.
But rebellion is only a fraction of the spirit behind the lifestyle, a fact illustrated by Behni, a priestess of the Temple of Set, owner of a zombie-mobile and a wealth of Gothic history. Her faith is categorized as Satanic, but much like Gothic culture, socially constructed connotations of the label do not embody the belief. It is based on Plato’s concept of forms, identifying Satan as the first isolate intelligence and reality as consciousness separate from an absolute. Many disagree with such beliefs, and Behni accepts and respects this fact just as she does people’s unwillingness to recognize the positive aspects of Gothic life.
“This is a subculture of Pagans, Wiccans and even Christians—people dissatisfied with mainstream society gravitate toward untraditional religion, too,” she said. “I was Goth before I knew I was Goth. One day I looked in my closet and everything was black. But it’s like any subculture. Cowboys have apple pie and hats and a code of ethics. We’re the Goth equivalent. We like to touch each other, to comfort and accept each other. I don’t know what it is, maybe finding your own type, but there’s a lot of love.”
My Gothic pilgrimage was a welcome return to the id. I forgot everyday inhibitions and indulged in the sensual pleasures of music, wine, human contact and laughter. My guides moved as if possessed to the throbbing sounds of Suicide Commando and Front 242, the Balcony’s dance floor a gorgeous blur of black shapes, white hands and sweat. Brandy’s hair spun as she dipped and crawled like some Gothic ballerina. Behni moved in patterns, Raziel like liquid and Analisa in her own interpretive trance. Though I was nervous at first, the music took me. I lost myself for a moment under the lights, and it felt good—really good. I was happy to take off the boots and makeup later that night, but I would go back in a heartbeat. Getting to know Raine and her friends taught me a lot about superficiality and individuality. From Ginger (a recreational vampire) to Normal Dan (a baby-faced computer programmer) to Genesis (a gay drag queen) to Raine (a down-to-earth young mother), anyone is welcome in the Goth community. That may not be so true outside Boise, but each Sunday night, a group of endearing, self-titled misfits get together to have fun and for a few hours, feel like they belong.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 5:59 PM

Cough Hack 

I found out that what I have thought was a case of broncitis that would not go all the way away was actually a case of chronic Asthma. My Dr says that this explains the exhaustion and the the dry cough.
I hate it because even though I am now on medicine it may take a while to start acting. I feel so wiped out all the time.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 5:57 PM

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Arty goth, 

Well I was an arty geek why not an arty goth





Take that in any form you'd like. You could be a DJ, you could paint, you could write, you could even code. Still, you hold whatever you do as Art. You are passionate, and you can also try too hard.


What kind of goth are you?

Created by ptocheia



# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 11:09 PM

Monday, December 06, 2004

T'Rina and THE Grey Hair 

Every other year or so I freak out around my birthday and go on about how I am getting old and looking it
And this is the year
Yeaterday I am in my bathroom looking at my face concidering dermabrasion and I see this 4 inch long white hair on the edge of my hairline and I start to go off..
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
My faithful house-man Agador (Genesis) yells out from the computer room "What is going on?"
I tell him "I have GREY HAIR... I found my first grey hair".... being a good little drag queen he understands the earthshaking significance of this statemant and comes running
There I am standing in the washroom leaning about 8 inches from the mirror, (( let me point out that my lousy eyesite is not an age issue but that I have been legally blind since I was 14)) on the edge of getting slightly Week-before-birthday hysterical and just I am about to take the all important step of PLUCKING out my first grey hair I brush my finger near it
And it FALLS OUT
I pick it up and look up at Agador and say in a very sheepish voice...
"Oh never mind it is a CAT HAIR."

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 5:35 PM

Sick Chick 

I hate being sick.
I have broncitis and a sinus infection again. I actually got an appointment with my Dr tomorrow and I hope I can get an inhaler and maybe this new pill called Musinex that is a 12 hour non narcotic expectorant. Even the liquids that say they are non drowsy put me to sleep so I just can't take them before going out.
I went to Industria last night after not being able to go anywhere really all week because of the SAD and sinus problems. I probably should not have gone there either but I was not willing to give up my weekly fix of seeing my friends. I was exhausted, I had gotten up at 6 am and spent the day in the front room with all the curtains open trying to get as much sun light as I could without freezing my ass off outside and I didn't even get to take a nap.
One thing about S.A.D. is it messes with your sleep cycle, it can cause you to sleep for 14 hours a day for a week and then only sleep a few hours here and there for a few days and then you crash back to deep sleeping. Not being able to breath well when I lay down does not help.
I ended up not going to bed until 5 am this morning and I got up at 9 am and have only dosed a little today.
I was so tired last night I felt like I was in a daze, I was wandering around like I had been drugged and people kept asking me if I was mad or bored. It is kind of hard to explain to people that I am almost never bored. Even when I am tired and can barely move I love watching people and my own thoughts keep me entertained.
One of the best things my family ever taught us is that "Bored people tend to be boring."
We learned that if we are feeling bored find something to do, a craft, a chore, an entertainment, or even just a thought, but do nto expect others to work to keep you from boredom, it is not their job in life.


# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 4:55 PM

Saturday, December 04, 2004

icccckkkkkk 

Friday morning I took Genesis over to the mall so he could pick up aplications and I stopped by the library to find out about some fines I have. Ends up my Grandma had not returned a book I had loaned her. Nice thing is she paid the entire fine for me.
I told Gen I would meet him in the food court where I got a pop (and a McChicken then made the mistake of reading the callorie info about it. I dont think I will doing that again. it had like 470 callories and 200 of those were fat)) The big problem is I stopped in at Hot Topic hoping against hope they would have any jewlery I might like. Hot Topic sales have gone down, could it be cause they carry crap and no one over 18 who is serious about goth woudl buy anything there if they can avoid it?
I have never had a reaction to perfume before but I sprayed a little of their SIREN perfume on me and instantly started sneezing. My sinus' clogged up and I have been pretty miserable all day from it. My sence of smell seems stronger right now and everything I smell irritates my nose.
It has been so annoying that I even went and bought a humidifier today.
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to think when your brain and the front of your head feel like they are full of fuzzy catapillers?
I think I will go back to bed and try to get over it.

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 6:51 AM

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Caught Up for Now 

Oh man that was a lot of writing concidering I planned on it being a quick review of the last week and half.
Anyway that brings me up to Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
After Dusty left at about 5:30 Am on Monday morning I was still too wired to sleep so I called BrandyA ((she is a night owl like me)) and asked if she wanted to go to Denny's. She had just come home from there but was willing to go back with me.
She teased me about leaving early with Dusty and said a lot of people had noticed and not to be surprised if I get teased by it. I don't want people to think I am a hootchie but at the same time I fell I have a right to have fun and not be commented on. I sometimes wonder if anyone would make the same comments about me if I was normal sized. I like to think my friends are better then that but the thought does go through my mind.
We visited, drank a ton of Coffee and Hot cocoa and did some sewing. I was starting to really worry about my gas tank being so close to empty and so I went home and stayed there til about 2 am on wednesday. I am not use to not going somewhere so it was a bit annoying.
Monday night I called my grandma and told her I was having a problem with dehydration and a sick tummy so she being the honest angel of mercy she is came over with a bag full of bananas, Applesauce and Apple Juice with pectin and Poweraide. I have a serious problem with stomach problems that date back to when I was 16 and tried to kill myself with hundreds of aspirin. I am now feeling a ton better I still have a hard time drinking enough liquid to keep up but at least my tummy has quieted down.
Genesis and I just hung out, watched TV and caught up on our sleep until 2 am on Wednesday morning when I my first check of the month gets deposited. I was damn near on empty and the roads were ice but we decided to go get some gas, cash and coffee. I called Brandy up and told her we would be over but it would take a bit cause of the roads being so bad. The first bank we went to did this annoying thing that has been happening with my card on paydays, it says things like processor error and that I have already reached my daily limit. My Credit Union says it may be happening cause the first and the middle of the month has a ton of deposits and the computer gets overloaded. All I know is it is annoying.
Anyway we decided to try a grocery store down the street all the time hoping we did not run out of gas, no luck. On the way home to call BrandyA I decided to check in at Walgreens and see if I could buy something small and get cash back...BINGO I got a Charleston Chew and $60.
We put a little gas in the car at teh first station we saw, I would have filled the tank but it annoys me to pay $.11 more at one station then the other. Once we were sure we would not run out of gas we went and got brandy, it was at least 2:30 by then and we went to Denny's and I got a salad and hot cocoa and they both got hash-browns with gravy and cheese and coffee. It came to $14 for heaven sakes.
About 5:30 we decided to go to Walmart, we wandered all over the store and I bought some cool marron nubby yarn since BrandyA is going to teach me how to weave a scarf on a straw loom...LOL something other then embroidery to do at coffee. I also bought 6 yards of black stretch knit material (60in wide) for $1 a yard. I am not sure what I will do with it but at that price it was too good to pass up.
I bought both BrandyA and myself a new pillow, they had them for $2.50, I adore brand new pillows, they feel so fresh and soft, I would just as soon buy cheaper new pillows every few months and take the old ones apart to make throw pillows with the batting.
Speaking of throw pillows I bought 3 holiday place mats, 2 black velvet ones with black beads on the ends and one really cool looking one made of silk ribbons and gold thread. All of them were lined so all I had to do was open a seam a little and then stuff them with batting pulled out of old flat pillows. It took two bed pillows to make 3 small throw pillows once I had shredded the filling up. You have to over stuff the throw pillows since they get packed back down from use.
I wanted to show them Chefs Hut which is a nice little hole in the wall cafe in a business complex near my house. The food there is cheap and plentiful and pretty good. Both BrandyA and I had 2 Big pieces of french toast and bacon, she had eggs and i had extra bacon while gen had a "small" omelet (easily as big as the ones at Denny's) and hash-browns and a bagel with cream cheese. We all had coffee with international flavored creamers and it only came to $13.50.
Poor Gen was fading but Brandy and I dragged him to Target where BrandyA got a full length mirror and I got some incense. We then went to Dollar tree where I got a few things and BrandyA spent $14 on house stuff.
I finally took them both to my place where they loaded the stuff into the house while I went to talk to the landlady about the people who live next to me. They have a pit bull and at least one puppy (she told me they had 7 there once) and the dog barks no stop, which is bad enough but they are never home and I dont know if it is peeing in their apt but I KNOW it is peeing on the landing outside the door since it reeks of it. She told me they have an eviction notice and can not fight it since they never paid a pet deposit and the god was way over the size limit. I am sorry they have to move and hope they can find a much better place for the dogs but I also don't feel like I should have to put up with the noise, the smell or having to worry they will have the dog out off the lead again and I will have it lung at me like last time and wonder if they will be able to stop it.
Gen got on the computer for a bit then decided to try to vacuum, I noticed last time it was not doing very well which depressed me since it is only a year old but he finally figured out the blades where not turning but we could not figure out how to open the bottom of it. We ended up snapping at each other. I am not use to having someone around all the time and both of us were tired, not to mention that my feet were killing me and I had slammed my shin on a box on my way to the front room. I desperately need to either fix the insoles of my old shoes that have some support to them or find some new ones which I never seen to be able to do.
Finally he went out to smoke and I sat down and unscrewed the top of the brush unit on the vacuum, the belt is dead so I need to write down what it needs and get another, I just hope I can get it at Walmart or something with out having to order it.
Genesis finally decided to get some sleep while BrandyA did her e-mail and I rested and watched some day time TV for the first time in months and months... She kept laughing at me for saying stuff to all the crazy people on the news and talk shows.
Around 1PM we went over to Great Clips where Benhi works ((one of the goth group)) and she trimmed my hair and my bangs, which were in horrible shape from my trying to trim them myself. Benhi suggested a shampoo and conditioner then gave me her discount so I could afford it and afford to give her a tip.
On the way down to Brandy's place we stopped at the Canned Food Warehouse, I bought hash-browns and some martini glasses (I am thinking of having a Martini party for new years)
Brandy was getting totally slap happy and acting like a raving loony, I tapped her on the head with one of the bags of hashbrowns for calling me Wookie for having bits of hair on my face from my hair cut and she started telling people I was her mom and abusing her. We stopped by Sonic for a Strawberry Lemonade and it was like sitting in the car with a person with turettes syndrom. She could not stop laughing and making rude comments when I ordered. I could not keep a strait face no matter how hard I tried to just give her the look.

I dropped her off at her house around 2:40 and did not get back to my place until about 3;30 cause I stopped by a Rite-Aid. When I got home i returned a call from my last boyfriend *N*. I still really care about him and feel sorry we don't spend much time together but he is always busy. I do wonder if he had more time for me would I be able to handle a relationship, or an I just too shallow or something?
We talked for 40 mins, about average for us and as usual I flirted and teased him about wanting to seduce him and he kept telling me how getting close is a bad thing but he admitted he likes me flirting with him. I tease him that I will break down his barriers and seduce him yet.
By this time it was damn near 4:40 and I had to call Brandy and tell her I would not be able to go to Analisa's to take pics for the Boise Weekly article that I was just too tired to drive and if she went to tell people I was sorry.
I ended up sleeping from 5 pm to 2:20 am and I actually feel like I should go take a nap agian for a few hours before shopping but I want to go to WINCO to see if they have any good deals on meat for the month.
As soon as I get back I plan to crash out for a while.
OHHHHH yeah I found my Camera which just shows me how much I need to get eh bedroom and spare room cleaned up
Anyway that brings me up to right now.

Listening to: Girls Under Glass - Frozen

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 6:46 AM

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

So Much Going On 11-28-04 

So much has been going on in my life and I have totally fallen down on keeping up with it all on here.
If I try to report all of it I will just get bogged down and never report new stuff so I will just give a quick review.

SUNDAY NOV 28

Sunday Night is INDUSTRIA at the Balcony, Goth night.
We did not get over to pick up BrandyA until after 9:20 since genesis and I got into watching a show then the news and it slowed us down getting dressed. I wore my purple velvet dress again since my arms were so raw from the glitter black dress from the night before and I just wanted to be comfy. I need to wear a few different things cause lately most of my photos are in that dress.
Even getting there late it was pretty dead til around 10:30, I think a lot of the regulars were pretty worn out from Black Night.
I don't dance a lot, I wish I could but my left knee is so screwed up that after a dance or two even being careful I hurt a lot and can not dance for a while. I do visit, socialize with people all night long, I am like a giant gothic social butterfly flitting from group to group.
This time I spent a lot of time talking with the bouncer Josh about his family and his cat who has a hernia and how he is trying to come up with money to get it operated on. I was sitting by the front door with him and joking with my friends as they came in that I was working security and didn't they feel safer for it.
There was this really cute guy at Industria, he looked like a lighter young David Duchovny He seemed so out of place, clean cut and kind of lost. And of course we all know I adore those clean cut boys. He was trying to dance and not really getting into it so I introduced myself and sort of grabbed his hands and told him to just flow with it. One thing about Goth. dancing is people tend to get really into it and we don't really dance with each other much, instead dancing with ourselves and interacting occasionally with each other. I don't think he (Dusty) ever got comfortable with it.
I ended up flirting with him all evening long. I have said it before, I am addicted to flirting, the way others are addicted to cigarettes. There is something so powerful about seeing a guy light up or grin or get that certain look in his eyes as I flirt with him. I like flirting with friends even when I know it is going no where, I like flirting with strangers and knowing it COULD go somewhere.
When I flirt with friends it is just fun, like performing, doing my Mae West thing. When I flirt with strangers it goes one of three ways... either they laugh and have a good time and it is a way to get to be friends with them and nothing more. Or they react baddly, acting like I am about to toss them over my shoulder and drag them off, in which case it is a good sign they are not worth getting to know that much.
And then there are the times when they light up and I know that something could happen, even if it never does it could and that is also a thrill.
So there I am sitting at the front door of the Balcony talking with Josha nd other people and Dusty came over and started talking to me. At one point he asked me if I was "gay, Strait or bi?"
I told him I do not define myself by my sexuality but if I had to say what I am I would say I am AFFECTIONATE.
We flirted for a while and wandered around the club. I told him I was thinking of going to Dennys afterwards and he asked if we would have to wait to two to go there and what would I do afterwards?
We flirted some more and I guess I am manic but I finally just decided I wanted to play with him so I told him if I could find my friends a ride we could take off. I found Brandy and Genesis a ride home, and in the process made the mistake of making it clear I was leaving early which I never do.
I am sure that cause of my flirting and wild ways a lot of the people who know me think I am a bit of a tramp. I know it is kind of hard to understand that I don't screw around, well lets put it bluntly I don't Fuck around.
I play around, I fool around, I have Buddies with Benefits and all but unless I deeply care about a guy and want to be really involved with him I don't go all the way. Some guys can not deal with that but I figure as long as both of you have a good time and get the pleasure you need then it is all good. I guess if a guy really wants to get to that point with me he had better plan on sticking around, being in my life and making me care for him on a different level then play mates and friends.
I know plenty of people who think that any kind of sexual contact should only happen when you are deep in a relationship and I can see that but it is not the way I am. I love being physical with people as much as I love being flirty... maybe some of my problem is I don't always know the line between flirting and playing. As long as I am safe and don't get my feelings hurt I don't see the need of being in a deep relationship.
I am not saying I would never want a relationship, I just don't see that it should have to happen to let me have fun. I joke that to me Kissing is just a really friendly handshake and fooling around is like a full body massage plus one. I don't think I do very well in relationships, I just don't like the person I become, the doubts I have when I get deeply involved emotionally and in a relationship.
I don't mind just having people in my life I am intimate with, who I play with, who I give and get pleasure from but I get tired of getting with guys who have no intention of getting with me again or being part of my life even as friends or who change towards me after we play around. I can not stand a person who acts like they are ashamed to have been intimate with me, I don't need a commitment I just need to be treated as a friend, as a good person and not as a dirty secret. I make it damn clear to people I don't want more from them than that but that I insist on that completely. If they can not handle being my friend then they sure as hell can not handle being my lover.
As far as fooling around is concerned I figure I can take my fun, give them some without giving up what I consider an important part of myself. I know many people see no point in not going all the way once you are that intimate with a person but for me that last step is much more personal, much more deep to me. I have talked with other women and they say the same. Maybe it is hormones but once I go that far I feel much more attached to a person.
Some people probably think I sound very shallow, very superficial. I am not, I am a caring person who loves giving and yes getting pleasure and as long as I am safe and open about it I don't see why I should limit myself.

Listening to: Faith and the Muse - Fade and Remain

# posted by T'Rina - MsXXL @ 1:40 AM