Friday, June 08, 2007


I am having trouble with blogger so I am using my MYSPACE blog

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Dec 13 

Sunday CJ and I went to Industria around 9 for my birthday party, both of us were tired as hell since we had each had about 3 hours sleep that day so we only stayed to 11. Cheryl made me chocolate cupcakes and her and Elton gave me a gift certificate to SOMETHING WICKED as well as buying me a drink.

CJ got me a clear Lucite skull from their shop I had admired at the vampire party in Oct. I love it and it goes great with my collection.

Jeff and Marissa stopped by and brought me some gifts from them and Nadia who made me a birthday card, she also sent me a little skull candle and Jeff and Marissa gave me a sign that says Don't Even Ask, a candle and candle holder and a little bear statue. It was fun to visit with them for a little bit and we had a chance to talk about gaming and come up with ideas for role playing in January.

Monday CJ rested while I went to visit my mom at my grandma's house where she was watching my grandfather while grandma went on some errands. My uncle Steve came over and took grandpa for a ride in his truck so my mom and I went shopping at Eyes of the World and The Crones Cupboard for my brother and CJ.

I stopped by the office on my way back home and rented a garage near my apartment since I am sick of not having a place to park when I get home late at night, it is worth $15 a month to have a sure place to park. Tonight when I took CJ to work I tested the garage for the first time since there is not a lot of space to get turned in front of them and was able to get the van in there ok.

Tuesday we went shopping at the NASCAR store since grandma gave me $10 to find CJ a gift from her, CJ collects Jimmie Johnson stuff but since Jimmie won the NEXTEL cup there was not a lot of his merchandise there. We didn't find anything in the right price range we both liked so we headed to Corona Village for lunch (I had a coupon) they have amazingly good food and a really cheap lunch menu and were very gracious and cool even though they knew right off we were using the coupon. I had a lunch size chicken fajita and was full as could be for $7 while CJ had a monster burrito and even brought half of it home for the same price.

CJ has been really down cause this is the first Christmas he is not spending with his kids and I am probably not making things better by being so bubbly about Christmas this year. We decided to go to Walmart and get a video game for him to take his mind off of it all and got him KINGDOM HEARTS 2. I also bought him a belt from grandma, he knows about it cause I had to have him try it on, I found a real leather one for $10 that has a place to put extra money in it which might come in handy when he travels to see his kids.

Other than a little bit of shopping and lunch we really didn't do anything today and sadly CJ just couldn't sleep and then one of his co-workers called him and asked him to come into work early. We are hoping that by summer when his kids come visit he will be working a day shift.

The kids got the package of Christmas stuff we sent and even got into it, I was thrilled to find out that Roses favorite thing was the Jesse McCartney scrapbook I made her. I was worried she would think it was dumb but she said she loved it which made me glad.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Dec 8 

I got an ENTERTAINMENT Coupon book for my birthday and so when CJ told me he wanted to take me to lunch we looked in the book for a place to go. I have wondered about this place, The Connector house of ribs and catfish, on 16th street below the connector. Every time I drive by even at lunch and dinner they are empty and I felt bad for them so I said lets go there before they go out of business.BIG MISTAKE.

First off the entire time we were there the place was empty and cold as ice, the only person there was the cook and she didn't seem to know what was going on at all. She took our order after a while and then even later yelled at us across the room asking if we wanted something to drink. I had shown her the coupon first thing like I always do, I have been getting those coupon books for my birthday for about 10 years now and love them, I have never had trouble before now.

The coupon if you have never had one of the 2 for 1 books is just that… a buy one entrée at regular price and get the other free up to the stated maximum value, in this case UP TO $13. Half way through the meal they tell us OH we are not going to respect that but we will give you $5 off. Mind you the ONLY reason we had chosen this place was because of the coupon and now they are telling us it is not valid.

We wait for the owner to show up and she tries to tell us the meals had to be exactly $13, mind you there was NOTHING on the menu for exactly $13, not even 12.99. I tried to tell the lady that was not how the coupon works and she told me "I don't care I didn't pay for it you did and now I am not even giving you $5 off."

This meant that we did not have enough with us by $2 to cover the bill and she told us we could not leave until we paid. I tried calling my grandmother but the phone was busy and I started to cry, this was ruining my birthday for me. Finally she says you can go but never come back, as if I would.

CJ was behind me as I stormed off crying and cussing once I got out the door, she tells HIM "Oh you can come back but not HER." Like either of us would ever put up with that again.

It is the old bait and switch, a con game, they get you in there with the coupon then wont accept it. All I can say is I see why they are always empty and I hope they are out of business soon.

This pretty much put a shadow on my entire birthday since all day I kept thinking how pissed off I was about it.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wed dec 06 

Well bummer, CJ wont be getting 5 days off in a row because someone quite without notice. He will get the 6th and 7th off and then work Friday and Saturday (we had plans for Friday) and then have the 10th and 11th off, which is good since my birthday is the 7th and my party is the 10th. Money wise it is good but we had been making a lot of plans for those days off.

We still plan to get the house all cleaned up and do every speck of laundry there is in the house, which is going to cost us a bit to dry though I may take a load or two over to grandmas today and leave the heavy stuff for the laundry mat.

We need to clean out the van since the back is full of CJ's stuff that needs to go into storage or be washed and put away. Not to mention it just plain gets messy with newspapers and whatnot.

Tuesday CJ and I had breakfast with my Mom and then she came over and helped me with the kitchen and CJ did the front room, man do I need to dust in there, I think I am going to try some of that Pledge that is suppose to make things less dusty. I got 2 loads of dishes done and today I am hanging up the clean clothes and bagging up the dirty ones.

I have been playing this word association game a lot, it is fun and makes you think, I beat the computer 3 times, once at only 208 words, I am easily amused.

And it isn't like I am sitting here listening to Rock and roll holiday music on yahoo launchcast or anything.....LOL

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


Write down what you see, hear, and are thinking..

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4... " . . . movement: for example, teres major, and latissmus drorsi both pull on the humerus . . ."

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What's there? CJ's game case, which has a slat shaker and a bottle of incense on it

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Good Eats on food network about making sausage

4. Without looking, guess what time it is: 3am

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 2:50am

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? The upstairs creaking once in a long while

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? When I took CJ to work and had to park around the block when I came home at midnight

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at? My computer

9. What are you wearing? Nada

10. Did you dream last night? I always have weird movie like dreams without much meaning

11. When did you last laugh? About 10 mins ago reading the "I'm so goth" list

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? 1940's movie monsters and a wall collage

13. Seen anything weird lately? This weird looking guy almost ran into me in the maverik parking lot

14. What do you think of this quiz? It is a way to waste time til I get sleepy again

15. What is the last film you saw? All the way through? Goldmember on DVD

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? Pay off my bills, and those of my family and CJ and then have a house built for me that is just what I want and hire a maid

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know: I sleep with a stuffed toy (a lime green monster toy I made)

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? I would end war, and make people more caring to each other, if all the resources we spend for hate went to help others the whole world would be better off

19. Do you like to dance? I would love to but I can't

20. George Bush: Now you are ruining my mood

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? I am never going to have children so I will have to name my next cat Azreale

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? Again I would name a boy cat fred

23. Would you ever consider living abroad? If I was healthy I would love to travel but I doubt I would want to live aboard for very long

24. What do you want to say to God when you reach the pearly gates? I don't really believe in heaven so it is moot question

Monday, December 04, 2006

"I'm beginning to think the unthinkable," 

Sagittarius Horoscope for week of November 30, 2006

Verticle Oracle card Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
On Jupiter's moon Europa, there is an absolutely straight narrow line about 125 miles long. NASA'S photos show it clearly. Commenting on this improbably regular feature, renowned author and inventor Arthur C. Clarke says he finds it hard not to conclude that it was constructed by intelligent life. "I'm beginning to think the unthinkable," he writes. Make that sentence your watchword in the coming week, Sagittarius. Be ready to imagine the unimaginable, see the unseeable, and think the unthinkable. And I mean that you should do that with the most optimistic attitude possible. According to my reading of the astrological omens, the almost unbelievable prospects coming into your sphere are interesting and invigorating.

birthday rambelings 

I recently looked at a survey and realized that almost all my answers were really long, and since I am not sleeping worth a damn I thought I would just use the question as subjects to motivate my writing. I figure I will write what ever comes to mind on the subject.

So my first Subject is Birthdays (and aging ) and the thoughts that those subjects lead to

My birthday is in less than a week and I will 38, my goodness how time flies, literally, I can remember my 30th birthday and how upset I was about it. I had made the mistake of giving up my cheap apartment to move in with a man and then he cheated and I had to move out,. I was living at my dad's business, My car had died and I was driving a piece of crap and I was having a bad time with season depression and failing at school and to top it off I was turning 30. I felt unsuccessful, unloved, unlovable and OLD rolled up into one.

3 weeks before my birthday and one week after I was miserable, I was convinced my life was ending, I cried a lot even though I had lost a lot of weight (having no place to cook and living off microwave soup) I was healthy, I was able to go to school for free (I pulled out Cs that semester) and sure as hell did not look my age. I thought my world was ending, what I did not realize was my mentally and emotionally even though my 30s have been often hard I have learned a lot and grown as a person and there is not much I would actually change, just little things.

So here I am 38, I have chronic arthritis, I have a sleep disorder, I am still poor, I can't afford to go to college and yet I am not worried about my birthday, I am pretty excited over all. I am in love and loved back, I have a nice place to live, a good car and I am ok with my life. Yes I wish I had the body I had at 20 or even 30, I regret I did not and do not take better care of it but my life is actually pretty good and I now realize that worrying about my age is not going to stop me from getting older it is just going to make me less happy.

Maybe that is why I have so many plans for my birthday, more of a birthday week actually. Tuesday I am going to go out with mom and hopefully have her help me clean up the kitchen, then Wednesday early I am going to lunch with grandma and Thursday CJ is going to take me out to lunch.

Friday we are hopefully going to go downtown and see some of our friends for the goth meet up since CJ will have the weekend off for once and then on Sunday we plan to go to Industria to party with my friends there. I was hoping to go out with my dad as well but I can't get ahold of him and he is not returning calls (but that is a subject for another post) He may come through or not I have learned not to stress out about it.

I remember a lot of my old birthdays, one of the oldest I remember is when we lived in the northend of Boise and my mom invited a bunch of kids over and put down a huge tarp in the living room, rented a helium tank and filled dozens of balloons and let us paint on the tarp. Others I remember from my 20s were mostly big drinking parties at my dad's house (he had a big place with a hot tub back then) I have probably had more boring simple birthdays than not but I don't really remember them so they don't really count I guess.

Having a birthday 18 days before Christmas poses weird issues, there are the times when you get smaller gifts cause people are going to have to buy you two in one month and the times when you can talk them into buying you one big gift for both your birthday and Christmas (like my computer last year) Of course as I get older gifts are fun but not the end all and be all of my birthday. My friends have laughed at me for asking for things like a full size crockpot and good pans and baking dishes (I had a nice set and lost half of it somewhere when I moved apartment units, which is weird when you consider I moved a block and a half or so) I just like getting the things I need, I even asked my mom to buy me a huge box of really good garbage bags from Costco, just cause they are not cheap and I don't have a Costco card and she does and I am sick of double bagging all my garbage with cheap bags. Hell it took me 2 years to go through the last box I had from there.

I was born on Dec 7th 1968, this means that even though I am soon to be 38 I have lived in 5 decades, I hate to admit I find myself saying sometimes "well when I was young." I think about my friends who are in their early 20s and the stuff they have never experienced or the stuff they grew up with that wasn't even thought of when I was a kid like Compact discs. I have friends who don't remember anything but CDs have never owned a record player and probably wouldn't know how to make one work. I have friends who don't believe me when I tell them cell phones use to be the size and nearly the weight of a brick. Then there is the fact that when I was a kid you didn't here so much about the perverts out there, I am sure they existed but you seldom worried about them, I never knew a really young kid who did drugs and we did not have dollar stores so we did not get to get something every time we went shopping. Sometimes I think that people really spoil the hell out of their kids more these days to make up for all the stuff they felt they did not get as a kid, how special can a birthday or Christmas be if a kid is use to getting something every time they go to the store?

When I was little birthdays and Christmas were a HUGE deal cause you got gifts and since we did not get a lot of stuff in the middle of the year at random that made it that much cooler.

OH did I mention the poinsettia cakes?

Every year til I was well into my teens I got a cake with Poinsettias on it cause that was what they had in the store, I got so I hated them, now I was wondering if I could get the bakery people to put them on a triple chocolate cake for me if I ask nice... And pay a bit extra.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Running around on payday as usual 

I have direct deposit so my money was in the bank by 4 am Friday morning and as usual lately I could not sleep so I went to Wal-Mart around 5 am and did a little shopping. I am pretty much done for Christmas now that I have the kids bought for as well as my grandfather and step dad.

I got CJ's son a plush talking lion, I got his daughter a lot of art stuff ( printed her off tons of Disney Princesses stationary and coloring sheets as well as a 12 pack of princesses sticker sheets which I put in a Lisa Frank portfolio, bought her a 24 pack of washable crayons, a small pad of construction paper and another of doodle paper, a princess wallet and drawstring bag I put big bead necklaces in and I made her a little scrap book of Jesse McCartney,,, her little crush) I got Nadia a porcelain doll and donated two toys to Toys for Tots. I also gave CJ a Dragon model toy (I got them 3 for $12 at Walgreen's)

I bought my Step father a Seahawks ornament and my grandfather a big box of the real chocolate covered cherries (not those nasty cordials) I already have a set of Pajamas for mom and a set of vase for grandma (I am going to give them to her with some small bouquets)

CJ's gifts are on layaway at Something Wicked (I have to go in this weekend and pay on them) and I finished filling his stocking except for candy which comes dead last so it will last..LOL. The dragon I let him have today was suppose to go in his stocking but did not fit so I just gave it to him.

I bought a book of short Christmas stories and went to Chef's Hut to read and drink coffee while I waited for CJ to get done at work then we went and paid some bills, bought butane for our lighters and hit the dollar store that was having an $.88 cent sale and then walgreens and then we went and got our hair cut, well he got pretty much sheered and I got a trim to clean it up a bit. We then went back to Walmart so CJ could buy a couple of red sweatshirts for work to wear under his uniform and to put money on gift cards for his kids. Then we grabbed some Subway and went home, We have to mail Rose and Thomas's gifts today since we did not do it yesterday.

I dropped the rent check off at the office and talked to them about whether CJ could be on my lease or not and they STILL did not know for sure so the manager e-mailed the lady who makes the decisions and then called me to tell me he was OK to move in. FINALLY, after over 2 months of trying to get him in her officially.

Marissa called and asked if CJ and I would like to go to Chinese food with them and Danielle and Amber so we went to the place that has Buffet at your table and all sat around being silly and arguing conspiracy theories. We then all went over to the Navajo room and CJ sang Margaritaville and then the two of us had to go so that he could get ready for work. I offered to bring their gifts with me but they told me they would unwrap them if I did so I have to wait, I would be fine with them unwrapping them early..LOL

We dont usually get to do stuff like that since CJ almost always works on Friday and Saturday nights and is just too tired to do much. Thankfully next week CJ has 5 days off (all his days off in one pay period at one time) so he has not only my birthday party day off, Sunday Dec 10th but he has my birthday the 7th off and Friday and Saturday nights as well so I am hoping we can go to the Friday goth meetup and maybe do something on Saturday as well. The funny thing is the only day he asked for off was the 10th and that was the one the boss was asking him if he really needed off afterall, thankfully he stood his ground and has it off. It will suck a bit having an extra day off as far as pay goes but there is so much we have to get caught up on like laundry and house cleaning, this place needs it top to bottom for Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas, we bought some egg nog, I figured it out, it is 100 calories a swallow. NO seriously, it is 200 calories per HALF CUP and I figure a good swallow is at least ¼ of a cup. Lets just say it is a one time treat and we only bought a quart thankfully. It is a good thing I like it but can only stand a little bit.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

if Oprah gave me $1000 

Oprah recently gave all of her studio audience $1000 and a Sony camera with the stipulation they spend the money on someone else and film it.

Now one of the audience was a local Boise woman, and what did she do with the money?

Buy Pizza and then tip the 4 drivers between $200 and $300 each. Nice for them but it seems like the lazy way out.

This time of year there are so many good charities begging on bended knees for any help they can get and this woman decides to take the easy way out. Four people get a nice treat, OK but dozens and dozens COULD have been helped.

I have always said that if I was rich I would buy a new high quality artificial tree every year, buy all the ornaments in some theme and then when the season is over pack it up and donate it to a charity to either have and use or to sale/auction off. As it is I donate stuff every year even though I can barely afford it.

If you gave me $1000 and told me I HAD to spend it on strangers then I would make that money go as far as humanly possible.

I would also divide the money up, and yes I can think of 3 things to do with $333.

First off I would go to local super market chains and ask them about getting a group discount on turkeys, tell them I will spend $333 AND film the one who gives me the lowest bid on turkeys for the Idaho Food bank.

I would go toy shopping, I mean I COULD just donate the $333 to Toys for Tots but I would love to be able to go bargain shopping and spend the money, I am pretty sure I could stretch the hell out of that money and have fun doing it.

Lastly I would go shopping for stuff for the homeless, I would hit all the discount places and buy up tons of hats, scarves and gloves, buy blankets and whatever the local Interfaint council told me they needed most for their emergency mission.

Yeah that would take some of my time, but then I like to shop as long as I have access to a mart-cart. I would spread every dime as thin as I could and do as much as I could and make sure dozens of kids have at least one decent toy this year, a dozen or more families have a turkey and that the emergency mission here in town had what they needed.

Then I would hock the camera and buy all my friends a drink.

Too much time 

My new background is proof I have too much time on my hands. I wanted a winter background I knew no one else could have unless they took it from me so I made one.

I went to this cool site that has real photos of wonderful snow flakes to show the variety of them but all of them where on a mixed blue background so I downloaded about 20 of them and changed the backgrounds to black and chose the best ones and then cut them out and put them on a black background. Sounds easy but it wasted about an hour and a half of my time what with searching for them and all. But I think I came out wonderful.

I am back to sleeping 2 or 3 hours at a time, I was sort of worried since I had one day where I slept about 14 hours but I think it was just my body catching up with its need for sleep. So far I really haven't had to many S.A.D. symptoms (KNOCK WOOD)

I am going to go have breakfast with my mom after giving CJ a ride home from work so I had better go warm up the car, I realized that the poor thing has not had an oil change in about a year (yes I am embarrassed) and so driving it bone cold is not a bright idea, I will get one this next week when I get paid.

I have LIFE IS A HIGHWAY stuck in my head and it is driving me nuts so I am driving the cats nuts by singing the first verse (the only one I remember) over and over in silly voices. Yes I talk to myself when I am alone, I don't carry on conversations so much as I just burst out with silly things every so often and the cats look at me like "would you be quite we are sleeping"

Oh well I make myself laugh so it is worth it.


(this is the song on my profile right now, I am going to try to get it played at my birthday party)

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me they will never see, the fear within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

(I've waited all day in the pouring rain, but nobody came, no, nobody came)

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith is come
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
(you defend)
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
Although we are men, with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in God
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winter born
And in this moment..I will not run
It is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands
(bloodied hands)
And in our Dying, we're more alive-than we have ever been
I've lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

25 questions for 2006 

1) Was 2006 a good year for you? Actually it was, even though my arthritis has deteriorated and I hurt most of the time, emotionally I feel better than I have in a long time. I am in a good relationship, I am ok financially and I am on a stable regiment of medicine that works better than I ever have had.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? When I finally realized I was in love with CJ and he was in love with me as well.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? When I thought things were not going to work out with CJ and me early on cause of some troubles that came our way for a few weeks, thankfully it did not last long.

4) Where were you when 2006 began? In bed with a friend watching tv we were both sick

5)Who were you with? *A*

6)What were your new years resolution of 2006? Oh god pretty much the same as always . . . Wish I was better at them.
Taking better care of myself
To Be happy more
To be less cynical
To be more open and allow myself to trust a guy if the chance came along
To love myself more
Get my house in order so I can be proud of it

7)Did you keep your new years resolution of 2006? Lets see
Taking better care of myself… I did alright 'til the middle of the year when I found out I could eat dairy again, now I am addicted to Ice cream and I have to stop, I have actually gained a little weight since the start of the year.
To Be happy more… I actually spent a lot of this year pretty happy over all, I would say well more than half the time I was pretty happy, I have learned to separate my physical pain from my state of happiness.
To be less cynical…I am trying hard to not let things get me down, I am pretty happy over all and yet I am very cynical about my physical state.
To be more open and allow myself to trust a guy if the chance came along… I did this twice, once to *A* and he pretty much just proved I meant nothing to him but then I finally really opened my heart and found CJ and have been pretty damn happy since..
To love myself more… I want to love myself in all ways but I still feel like my body has betrayed me and I have betrayed my body, I am not getting anywhere and I feel as if I never really will and that makes it damn hard to love your body when you hurt all the time. Emotionally I am more forgiving of myself than I have been in the past
Get my house in order so I can be proud of it… I got motivated and unpacked my possessions and realized I was staying here longer than a year after all. My house needs to be cleaned from top to bottom, hurting so bad it is hard to keep up with. I plan to have it totally clean by Christmas 06 as a Christmas gift to myself.
8)Do you have a new years resolution for 2007? Pretty much the same as always
Take better care of myself. . . Now it is getting desperate, I have so much trouble exercising and I hurt so bad and my impulse control sucks, even just gaining 12 pounds has made my knees hurt so much more. I HAVE to get serious, I have to loose weight, eat healthy and change my way of taking care of myself
Make my relationship work, make it last more than a year, keep it healthy and sane. . .this relationship is important to me, I want to prove I can have a loving healthy relationship that lasts
Keep up with my house better . . . I get so very depressed when the house gets messy and cluttered. Part of this is figuring out what to do about the damn cats, mostly princess and the litterbox issue before I have to give her away or something.
Shave the cats and keep them shaved . . . Possibly the weirdest resolution I have ever made, I love my cats, I hate their long fur, it is everywhere and ends up in mats and they wont let me brush them so I am having to shave them a little at a time and I feel if I could just keep them that way it would be so much better. I will never own another long hair cat if I can help it.

9)Did you fall in love in 2006? With whom? Yes!! With CJ

10)Are you still in love? YES!!!

11)Did you breakup with anyone in 2006 (got broken up with)? I was involved with *A* and when he decided he did not want to be involved with me anymore he also decided we were not friends enough to let me know he was done with me.

12) Did you cheat on anyone this year? No, until CJ I was not in a serious committed relationship and so I could not cheat and I have NO intention of cheating on CJ ever.

13)Did you consider having children at all this year? I am childless by choice and this has cost me BFs as in the past.

14)Did you make any new friends in 2006? I became good friends with Danielle and made a few other friends as well

15)What was your favorite month of 2006? Probably Oct, but Nov has been pretty good as well,
16)What was your Least favorite month of 2006? Aug, CJ and I were dealing with some crap and I was just figuring out I was in love and was not sure if things could work out, we did not get into a committed relationship until Sept.

17)Did you travel in 2006? No I did not have any money for it early in the year and with the arthritis I could not handle the driving needed to go anywhere very far.

18)What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2006? Pirates of the Caribbean 2

19)What was your favorite song from 2006? I have such a hard time choosing one song there have been so many I enjoyed. But I do have to admit every time CRAZY BITCH by Buck Cherry comes on I sing it.

20)Did you treat somebody badly in 2006? I try to never treat anyone badly

21)Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? Yeah I was involved with this guy, maybe not serious serious but I thought we were more than just bed buddies and when he decided after over 8 months to bail he did not even say goodbye. I also got stood up quite a few times and had a few guys act like they really liked me when all they wanted was to get laid.

22)If you could go back in time to any moment of 2006 and change something, what would it be? I would have been more willing to get involved with CJ earlier and not let my fear of being hurt get in the way for over a month, making things hard for both of us for a while.

23)What are your plans for 2007? Loose some weight so I can feel better physically. Stay in a healthy relationship for more than a year and be happy. Take better care of myself in all ways.

24)Did you lose anybody close to you in 2006? No

25)Did you do anything this last year you wish you hadn't? I wish I had taken better care of myself physically.
I read my answers from last year and it is kind of sad how few of my resolutions have changed and how little I kept them. I can say that except for physically this has been a better year though.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Chain letters? Current mood: geeky
Chain letters, Myspace is full of them, every time I look at my bulletins I find new ones.
I never participate, never send them on, I don't believe in them. But that does not stop me getting a slight creepy feeling when I open them and see how if I don't send them I will be miserable. Not that I believe it, but I hate to think it even. OK so why do I, a pretty much logical person, still get a sinking feeling when I see whatever the threat is connected to the message, is there some part of me that wonders if I am playing with fire?
Here is the thing, wouldn't it be great to be able to blame everything on your failure to pass on a chain letter? Wouldn't it be nice to say well it isn't my fault I have not met anyone decent or it isn't my fault so and so broke up with me, it was that chain letter I did not send six months ago. It would be so nice to give up responsibility for everything except passing on annoying chain mail.
If I do answer them and stuff still goes wrong is it them my fault? Do I have to find something else to blame? What about plain old luck? What about fate? Can we really circumvent those with the push of a few buttons? Wouldn't it be nice?
Now post this message on your own blog and send me a dollar and we will see if chain mail works… hey that would work for me anyway.

Happiness... Another one that caught my attention Current mood: happy
I do believe that some people have a natural tendency to be happy while there are others who have a similar hardwired tendency to let themselves be miserable. The cup is half full or half empty personalities. Me I am a "the Cup IS .. And doesn't the water look pretty in this light?" kind of person. I admit I am the type of person who, though I have many many problems and pains, sees the world as a pretty good place over all.I am no Pollyanna, I see the problems too. But a long time ago my grandmother taught me to try to find at least one great thing in every day that goes by. Lately it has been sunrises. I have had to get up early, often exhausted, to get CJ from work and this last week it has been just as the sunrise was happening and for me it was like a little reward for getting my ass out of bed. Sunrises are one of those things we often take for granted since they tend to be less showy than sunsets and last less time (at least here with mountains to the east) But to me that just makes them more special when I do see them.
I don't have to stop at night and make myself think of 3 good things because it is in my nature to recognize those things during the day but I do believe that doing so will help other people. I do believe in genetic predisposition but I believe in behaviorism as well, you CAN teach yourself to think differently. I had to teach myself to kill off negative self talk, thoughts about how awful I am, so that I could learn to survive without self loathing.
Anyway I found this article interesting if a little self explanatory, it just seemed to me the way I was raised to be one of those DUH moments… think positive and you will feel more positive… is something I was taught from birth. But I guess some people wont believe anything until you do a study on it.

Researchers seek routes to happier life
By MALCOLM RITTER, AP Science Writer Sun Nov 26, 6:23 PM ET
NEW YORK - As a motivational speaker and executive coach, Caroline Adams Miller knows a few things about using mental exercises to achieve goals. But last year, one exercise she was asked to try took her by surprise.
Every night, she was to think of three good things that happened that day and analyze why they occurred. That was supposed to increase her overall happiness.
"I thought it was too simple to be effective," said Miller, 44, of Bethesda. Md. "I went to Harvard. I'm used to things being complicated."
Miller was assigned the task as homework in a master's degree program. But as a chronic worrier, she knew she could use the kind of boost the exercise was supposed to deliver.
She got it.
"The quality of my dreams has changed, I never have trouble falling asleep and I do feel happier," she said.
Results may vary, as they say in the weight-loss ads. But that exercise is one of several that have shown preliminary promise in recent research into how people can make themselves happier — not just for a day or two, but long-term. It's part of a larger body of work that challenges a long-standing skepticism about whether that's even possible.
There's no shortage of advice in how to become a happier person, as a visit to any bookstore will demonstrate. In fact, Martin Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania and colleagues have collected more than 100 specific recommendations, ranging from those of the Buddha through the self-improvement industry of the 1990s.
The problem is, most of the books on store shelves aren't backed up by rigorous research, says Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, who's conducting such studies now. (She's also writing her own book).
In fact, she says, there has been very little research in how people become happier.
Why? The big reason, she said, is that many researchers have considered that quest to be futile.
For decades, a widely accepted view has been that people are stuck with a basic setting on their happiness thermostat. It says the effects of good or bad life events like marriage, a raise, divorce, or disability will simply fade with time.
We adapt to them just like we stop noticing a bad odor from behind the living room couch after a while, this theory says. So this adaptation would seem to doom any deliberate attempt to raise a person's basic happiness setting.
As two researchers put it in 1996, "It may be that trying to be happier is as futile as trying to be taller."
But recent long-term studies have revealed that the happiness thermostat is more malleable than the popular theory maintained, at least in its extreme form. "Set-point is not destiny," says psychologist Ed Diener of the University of Illinois.
One new study showing change in happiness levels followed thousands of Germans for 17 years. It found that about a quarter changed significantly over that time in their basic level of satisfaction with life. (That's a popular happiness measure; some studies sample how one feels through the day instead.) Nearly a tenth of the German participants changed by three points or more on a 10-point scale.
Other studies show an effect of specific life events, though of course the results are averages and can't predict what will happen to particular individuals. Results show long-lasting shadows associated with events like serious disability, divorce, widowhood, and getting laid off.
The boost from getting married, on the other hand, seems to dissipate after about two years, says psychologist Richard E. Lucas of Michigan State University.
What about the joys of having children? Parents recall those years with fondness, but studies show childrearing takes a toll on marital satisfaction, Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert notes in his recent book, "Stumbling on Happiness." Parents gain in satisfaction as their kids leave home, he said.
"Despite what we read in the popular press," he writes, "the only known symptom of 'empty nest syndrome' is increased smiling."
Gilbert says people are awful at predicting what will make them happy. Yet, Lucas says, "most people are happy most of the time." That is, in a group of people who have reasonably good health and income, most will probably rate a 7.5 or so on a happiness scale of zero to 10, he says.
Still, many people want to be happier. What can they do? That's where research by Lyubomirsky, Seligman and others comes in.
The think-of-three-good-things exercise that Miller, the motivational speaker, found so simplistic at first is among those being tested by Seligman's group at the University of Pennsylvania.
People keep doing it on their own because it's immediately rewarding, said Seligman colleague Acacia Parks. It makes people focus more on good things that happen, which might otherwise be forgotten because of daily disappointments, she said.
Miller said the exercise made her notice more good things in her day, and that now she routinely lists 10 or 20 of them rather than just three.
A second approach that has shown promise in Seligman's group has people discover their personal strengths through a specialized questionnaire and choose the five most prominent ones. Then, every day for a week, they are to apply one or more of their strengths in a new way.
Strengths include things like the ability to find humor or summon enthusiasm, appreciation of beauty, curiosity and love of learning. The idea of the exercise is that using one's major "signature" strengths may be a good way to get engaged in satisfying activities.
These two exercises were among five tested on more than 500 people who'd visited a Web site called "Authentic Happiness." Seligman and colleagues reported last year that the two exercises increased happiness and reduced depressive symptoms for the six months that researchers tracked the participants. The effect was greater for people who kept doing the exercises frequently. A followup study has recently begun.
Another approach under study now is having people work on savoring the pleasing things in their lives like a warm shower or a good breakfast, Parks said. Yet another promising approach is having people write down what they want to be remembered for, to help them bring their daily activities in line with what's really important to them, she said.
Lyubomirsky, meanwhile, is testing some other simple strategies. "This is not rocket science," she said.
For example, in one experiment, participants were asked to regularly practice random acts of kindness, things like holding a door open for a stranger or doing a roommate's dishes, for 10 weeks. The idea was to improve a person's self-image and promote good interactions with other people.
Participants who performed a variety of acts, rather than repeating the same ones, showed an increase in happiness even a month after the experiment was concluded. Those who kept on doing the acts on their own did better than those who didn't.
Other approaches she has found some preliminary promise for include thinking about the happiest day in your life over and over again, without analyzing it, and writing about how you'll be 10 years from now, assuming everything goes just right.
Some strategies appear to work better for some people than others, so it's important to get the right fit, she said.
But it'll take more work to see just how long the happiness boost from all these interventions actually lasts, with studies tracking people for many months or years, Lyubomirsky said.
Any long-term effect will probably depend on people continuing to work at it, just as folks who move to southern California can lose their appreciation of the ocean and weather unless they pursue activities that highlight those natural benefits, she said.
In fact, Diener says, happiness probably is really about work and striving.
"Happiness is the process, not the place," he said via e-mail. "So many of us think that when we get everything just right, and obtain certain goals and circumstances, everything will be in place and we will be happy.... But once we get everything in place, we still need new goals and activities. The Princess could not just stop when she got the Prince."
In the give me a break already catagory . . . Current mood: irritated
Woman faces fines for wreath peace sign .. --> -->By ROBERT WELLER, Associated Press Writer Sun Nov 26, 11:13 PM ET
DENVER - A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-
Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan.
Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs. He said some residents have also believed it was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said.
"Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up," he said in a telephone interview Sunday.
Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, "Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing."
Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas.
"Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied," she said. "What if they don't like my Santa Claus."
The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board "will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive."
The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee.
Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything. Kearns fired all five committee members.

What ever happened to the whole PEACE ON EARTH GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN thing? So what would happen if 3 or 4 people complain about someone's Nativity scene? What if I put a menorah in my window? (freedom of religion means ALL religions right?) And what if I DON'T decorate, can they complain about that as well and force me to?
This is not a protest, or more to the point it wasn't a protest until they decided to strong arm her and the committee members into agreeing with the viewpoint of a few people, fascism anyone? NOW it is a protest, and I say more power to her.

Monday, November 27, 2006


Man what a whiner Current mood: uncomfortable
Yesterday we drove out to Kuna to see CJ's mom and nieces and nephew for a late thanksgiving meal. We had to leave around 4pm since I was falling asleep and did not feel well and CJ needed to drive by his dad's for a few minutes. By the time we left it was pouring down rain hard and cold and driving was hell. The to add insult to injury or more to the point injury to insult, I slipped getting in the car and wrenched my knees so they are hurting so bad I can barely walk a block.
We didn't make it to Industria since I was sick and CJ was tired as hell.
The antibiotics are clearing up my ear but man do they make me sick to my stomach, I have to take them with food and usually I feel sick for a few hours after I do. What sucks is I have at least another week of being on them. My ears are still ringing but no more shooting pains so I can deal with that.
I slept most of the night and then most of today, it must be SAD since I usually can't sleep if the TV is on and I slept through a bunch of them. CJ isn't feeling well either, one of his ears is bugging him (I hope the heating pad and ear drops help that) and he just generally feels run down and sore. I am hoping it is just winter ick.
We bought fried chicken for lunch and I think it set my tummy off since I have been hurting ever since, we also bought the fixings for tacos but the last thing I want to do is cook. My kitchen needs a through cleaning and I am at the end of my rope where the cats are concerned, princess will only use the box to pee and only if I keep it totally clean, so I have to put papers down on the floor and yet she seems to always catch just the edge of the papers. She also has hairballs really bad, I am trying to shave her but it is taking forever, her fur is soooooo thick it is sickening, literally, all that fur is making her sick. I don't know what to do, I can't catch her not going in the box so I really can't punish her, I can't make her do it no matter how much I clean out the box and put fresh litter in it. She is making me wish I only had one cat but I can't bring myself to get rid of her but there are sure times it is tempting.
Then there is nepo who thinks he is a monkey and tries to eat his food by picking it up with his paw and putting it in his mouth, or at least trying to, what really happens is it ends up all over the floor. The kitchen and the cats is my job and I just don't seem to be able to keep up with the mess they make much less my own messes, it is really starting to get me down.
Sorry to sound so whiney I just don't feel good and it tends to come out in my writing, I am sure everything else will be better soon. I made new backgrounds on CJ and my profiles today so at least I did something other than sleep all day. Sad thing is I think I am going back to bed now.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


My christmas tree Current mood: cheerful
We bought a nice little inexpensive fiber optic 3 ft christmas tree yesterday and I decorated it with my crystal ornaments. I actually like the way it looks and the lighting effect is not too cheesy.

and a shot of it in the dark

I am just determined to enjoy the holiday season and relax this year, I have not decorated in years and this year I have a tiny little tree for CJ's collection of Jimmie Johnson ornements in the computer room, stockings on the wall in my room and this 3ft tree in the front room. Now I want to get those cinnamon pine cones, I love the smell of them.
I really think it comes down to DECIDING you will let yourself enjoy the holidays, deciding not to get bogged down in what you don't have and to just relax.